Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives Of Orange County season 10. There’s a new girl in town, but the old gals are bringing all the drama!
Vicki Gunvalson is WOOHOOING to her hooha’s content and rolling in the affirmations! Brooks Ayers and his (apparently suspect?) cancer have moved in and Vicki is relishing in the fact that she can play the nagging, over-bearing, mother hen who also holds the bank account and the car insurance. “Brooks eat that carrot or you’re gonna get spanked!” Of course, Brooks is acting the part of the rebellious teen sneaking light ranch dressing and whining that he can’t have Wonderbread with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter like all the other boys.
“Cancer loves white bread!” Vicki lectures, making a little note to up Brooks’ insurance policy and give a rousing speech at the next insurance convention about the benefits of long-term care policies. Now she knows from experiences. WOO HOO! Vicki is having her affirmations for breakfast and selling them too.
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Vicki explains she’s been lonely, and it’s wonderful having someone there next to her. Maybe she should get a roommate instead of a deadbeat. Or a cat?
Vicki being Vicki, she’s taking precautions so Brooks gets no equity in the house or anything else – not even the Pier One angel collection! – if they breakup. “It’s like a prenup without the ‘nup!'” Vicki announces. However, it’s not all full love tanks and full houses – Briana is still angry about Brooks’ existence and now believes he’s faking his cancer. Oh, and Tamra Judge has ditched Vicki for Jesus and babies who she’s putting up in a shabby-chic manger complete with wise gay uncles toting cashmere swaddles. And former Housewives toting grandchildren of their own who they found left in the rental they were evicted from.
But I must backtrack… first of all Tamra has found Jesus. And she’s re-found her love of fake boobs. I don’t believe Jesus fixed Tamra – although she does now apparently believe that boobs and bibles go together. So she’s Jesus Jugs Jr –
hypocrisy imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Alexis Bellino! Tamra, missing her former girlfriends, decides to get some new ones surgically implanted. I have no idea why – or what correlation that has to finding herself again and becoming a new and improved person, save to say that Tamra has confused looking within to putting something new and fake in. Congrats?
Most hilariously – Tamra is disappointed that when she wakes up from boob job surgery none of her friends are there with flowers. Then Bravo shows a flashback of the last time Tamra got a boob job and Gretchen Rossi was at the hospital, full of Gretchen Shitstine Bootay plastic makeup. Even more ironic because Tamra isn’t even fake-friends with Gretchen anymore. So she doesn’t have those boobs or that friend. Tamra whines that none of the girls like her anymore because she was “too honest” so now she’s just gonna tell people what they want to hear. Which is really living the word of Christ.
In other Tamra news she’s becoming a grandmother! Ryan knocked up a girl he stalked on instagram, but now Tamra loves her, Ryan loves her, Sarah is his wife and everyone is madly happily in love. Except Tamra is telling everyone it’s her baby! Seriously – she throws Ryan a baby shower and the caterer actually thought it was Tamra’s shower! Personally I think Tamra is just totally in denial about the fact that she’s becoming a grandmother. And she wants to be the hottest grandma in the OC so that explains the implants.
For Ryan and Sarah’s shower, Tamra creates a shabby-chic hoedown with an open bar. And shots in mini baby bottles. Yes, indeedy – breeding class. Since Tamra has nary a friend left to invite, she is reduced to begging Lynne Curtin, who had vaginal rejuvenation and then wound up with baby. She’s not sure which came first: the baby or the revirgination. Lynne explains the child as belonging to her daughter Racquel, but she’s not sure what he’s gonna call her because he can’t talk. Oh well! Then Lynne starts talking abut things that matter: Vicki accidentally posted an IG pic of her boobs. Too bad Ryan had already met Sarah…
Moving on to Heather Dubrow – everything is PUUUURFECT! She’s building a new house that gets bigger and bigger and bigger every day because otherwise Heather would have nothing to do! She needs an $8,000 faucet, and 14 bathrooms (she can be constipated in a different one each day for two whole weeks), and of course she needs the porte-cochere so when the paparazzi are chasing her she can hide, then be whisked into her mansion. Heather is apparently confusing herself with Batman, or Princess Kate, but whatever the case she needs to bring herself and the porte-cochere down to earth and stop feeding her kids donuts bigger than my whole house.
Heather is also the connection to Meghan Edmonds, aka the new Housewife. Meghan is… blonde. And seems desperate to keep up appearances. She’s married to Jim Edmonds, who’s baseball royalty. Meghan is his lowly third wife and he has four children – she is closer in age to her step-daughter than she is her husband. Meghan never wanted to marry a man with children, wrinkles, or a professional sports bank account, but low and behold look what she would up with!
Meghan insists she’s not a gold-digger she just like fell madly in love with Jim because he treats her sooooo great and respectfully and amazingly and like knows her soul. Hashtag Cool Hubby! And she is the ultimate cool stepmom (hashtag). Of course, none of that is what we observe. Instead we witness Jim ignoring Meghan, swatting her away, and acting like he’d rather barf than kiss her. Jim must know that Meghan has the soul of a sixteen-year-old, because that’s how he treats her.
Jim’s stepdaughter has barely constrained contempt for Meghan, who gushes about how they’re going to go out to dinner “as a family.” Dinner over which Jim announces that he can’t find his wedding ring and didn’t bother to look for it while Meghan looks sulky and hurt. Meanwhile the stepdaughter smirks. Meghan begs Jim for a kiss but he can’t be bothered to lean across the table to peck his 30-year-old wife of a year. Meghan and Jim have moved like 8 times in this same year, finally settling in OC so her step-daughter could be closer to her ailing mother.
“We are redefining what the word family means by our love!” Meghan brags. Somebody’s been raiding Brooks‘ stolen Hallmark stash! Something in the buttermilk ain’t clean. And this one is thirsty enough for the rotten milk.
Finally – Shannon Beador. Oh Shanny – get this one on Couples Therapy – stat! I had hoped we’d see a happier, light-hearted, less vodka-infused Shannon this season, but alas it is not so. Things have gone from bad to worse. First she and Vicki go out for dinner where Shannon almost rips Vicki’s intentionally “distressed” Chanel coat. And distressed designer is about the most perfect description for Shannon I could think of. It was perfectly ironically serendipitous.
Shannon orders a salad without dressing because she’s avoiding yeast. While Vicki crows about how proud she is of Shannon and David for mending their marriage and focusing on love, Shannon bites her bottom lip and tries to restrain herself from licking Vicki’s salad dressing off her plate. I swear, Dr. Moon needs to start slipping percocet in Shannon’s acupuncture – or maybe she’d just be a lot happier if she ate some damn salad dressing (or a cookie that wasn’t made of organic free-range holistic slow movement hay leftover from Tamra’s baby shower).
Vicki and Brooks are off to Mexico with carrots in Brooks’ suitcase (for his anti-inflammatory juicing – is it legal to carry carrots over the border. Maybe customs will detain him… until his cancer is cured, at least!), meanwhile Shannon and David are off to a couples counseling retreat with some very heavy baggage. It turns out Shannon has been hiding the truth from her friends and the reality is very grizzly: she caught David having an affair!!!!!
Shannon heard him whispering on the phone – at first she just thought he didn’t want to be caught on a cellphone in their home which is an anti-irradation zone where no cell signals are permitted. Then she found hotel bills in his suitcase. If David were smart he would have rented a room online because Shannon doesn’t use the internet – wifi has voodoo powers that cause cancer. So what it sounds like to me is that Brooks should move in with David, and Shannon should move in with Vicki in some sort of perverse version of Celebrity Wife-Swap. Except it’s like Pseudo-Celebrity By Association Douchebag Swap. At least Shannon’s house is toxin free … on paper.
Shannon cries through the group therapy session as she opens up about how she caught David in the affair and confronted him, but she refuses to let her marriage fail. She sobs as she reveals that her children unintentionally found out. David admits he moved out for 2 weeks, and is overheard telling the counselor the affair gave him “new life.” Shannon opens up about her emotionally empty childhood, also full of infidelity and betrayal, and how she is afraid she’s repeating the same mistakes with her daughters. David complains of how angry Shannon always is – it just seems like these two will never make it work.
And speaking of anger, Tamra and Vicki miss each other desperately, but Tamra has hurt Vicki, and vice versa, so now they’re angry at each other – again. They should be at this couples therapy retreat too because they are so damn co-dependent. They can’t quit each other, but they can’t get along either. And in some sick way I love them together.
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MEGHAN? ARE YOU SHOCKED TO LEARN ABOUT SHANNON’S MARRIAGE? HAS TAMRA CHANGED? DOES BROOKS REALLY HAVE CANCER?!
[Photo Credits: Bravo]