Tamra is preparing to go to Northern California with her mom to witness her granddaughter’s birth. Sarah, Ryan’s wife, has a scheduled c-section and Tamra is bummed Ryan will be in the delivery room instead of the TAM-MA. After all WHO has more experience with babies?! #Astro.
The whole situation is a bit bittersweet, however, because Vicki is leaving for Chicago for her mother’s funeral and Tamra is sad she won’t be able to attend. Tamra deals with her grief by focusing on how she’ll be the hottest grandma in the OC and that her mom Sandra will be the hottest great-grandma. She instructs Sandra to get a full-body health scan and then have some sex for the other type of full-body scan, so she doesn’t die. Only Tamra would combine sex and death and grandmothers in a heart-to-heart. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not…
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Have maturity will travel … out to sea for some yoga atop a surf board. Meghan Edmonds is, like, the HashtagCoolStepMom that everyone wants, ’cause she, like, understands instagram and stuff and is, like, besties with her step-daughter Hayley. It’s because they have the same emotional and mental maturity levels. Sadly, while Hayley is 17 and acts like a brat, yet Meghan is 30-something who acts like a 17-year-old brat. Poor Meghan – she doesn’t wanna grow up she’s a Toys R Us kid!
According to Meghan the most important part of parenting is, like, being relatable and fun. Someone needs to stop taking parenting tips from Mean Girls. Also, Jim needs to hire a nanny. He should ask his good friend Heather Dubrow to recommend someone.
Meghan and Hayley do paddle board yoga, because that’s what HashtagCoolStepMoms do so they can #NoFilter IG that shit. Hayley is not on board (pun intended) – she only seems happy when Meghan face plants and falls in the water.
Afterwards Meghan cries to Hayley about how Vicki lost her mom which relates to Hayley because her mom Leann has terminal cancer. 1) Meghan has ugly cry face 2) This should not be on camera! #HashtagInappropriateStepMom
Heather fills Lizzie in on what happened with Vicki’s mom. They both tear up at the thought of losing a parent, but Heather is thankful Vicki has such a strong sibling support system to help each other through. Heather decides she’s going to start focusing on building a big, strong family – right after the nanny makes dinner and handles baths. And right after Heather finishes building a big, strong house with enough rooms that she never has to deal with these children – how many are there again? – until they’re like 25. Ahhh… being rich is so difficult.
At Shannon Beador‘s big, strong house of health and wealth, the foundation has crumbled – even though it’s constructed with healing crystals to ward off evil eyes and evil WiFi signals. Earthquake Beador is an 8.5 and all the organic is coming down.
Shannon and David gather their daughters in the living room to instruct them about the importance of positive communication. David sounded drunk and slurs about having a bad day because Shannon was pissed at him for not calling when he said he would. Maybe he was hittin’ the sake again?! Doesn’t Dr. Moon have a healing property for inappropriate boundaries!? What about complete and utter idiocy? Oh, definitely not because otherwise he would be Dr. Out Of Business. Seriously – who says this crap to their pre-teen daughters?!
Shannon rails on David for destroying the equilibrium of lemons to limes to pears and making it seem like she had no reason to be mad when the reality is, she wanted a list of all the places he took his mistress so she could avoid those places, but he wouldn’t comply. Oh honey – you ain’t avoiding Neimans no matter how many toxins are in that environment. #WhiteSale Then Shannon cries. Again. And David stomps out. Again. And this is all in front of their kids. Again. And really, Shannon go move in with Vicki.
Before leaving for NorCal to meet her granddaughter, Tamra visits Vicki to give her a little support. Vicki is sobbing, so Tamra gives her a hug and is nice to Brooks. Which is much appreciated, considering he’s not allowed to attend the funeral because Vicki’s family hates him. Ouch! Then Vicki starts warbling about how Brooks is practically keeling over so she’s afraid to leave him alone. Is she asking Tamra to Brooks-Sit in her absence? Does Hallmark sell condolence cards for ‘Sawrrry I can’t man-sit your deadbeat dude!’? They need to corner that alternative market. Or Vicki needs to get a new product on the Bravo Home Shopping Network.
While Tamra is in the hospital awaiting the arrival of Ava, she walks us down memory lane over how much Ryan has changed. Yes, he’s gotten beard-ier. And now he’s reproduced. #FixItDrMoon. But, of course, I started to lose my will to snark because – ZOMG – babies! And Ava is a cutie. And seeing Tamra cry – like for real because she didn’t overdo the Botox – was sweet. Congrats Tamra, Ryan, and Sarah. And welcome to the world of reality TV Ava.
Over at Heather’s house she’s less enamored with her spawn – and Terry. Coco is throwing a fit and wants nothing to do with Terry, who is just sitting on his a$$ while Heather also micromanages her son’s project building model home of Monticello out of Marshmallows. In retaliation for his recalcitrance while the nanny is taking a bathroom break, Heather tells Terry he has moobs and needs a reduction.
Later while the nanny is preparing and supervising dinner, Coco starts throwing a tantrum over ice cream so Heather instructs the nanny to feed her pasta then put her to bed. Heather grabs a glass of champs – because overseeing the nanny is sooo hard – breezes out of the room, and takes a much-needed break. #Priorities
Speaking of tantrums, Meghan and Jim’s ex-wife Leann rented a suite so Hayley and her friends could get ready for winter formal. Meghan even brought a giant bowl of chicken skewers because who doesn’t want to get their makeup done while eating meat off a stick? Meghan says her mom used to make a big deal out of winter formal and made mini sandwiches.
Hayley arrives and is bratty as hell because her mom forgot to bring her dress. Jim has to hustle – in his DAD JEANS (LOL LOL LOL! #HashtagNotCoolDad) – to go pick up the dress. Don’t worry – Hayley found a million other things to throw fits about. Like why is Coco late for the party?! And why can’t Hayley have ice cream for dinner?!
I am so over bratty teenagers – Meghan included. Hayley is rude to her mother. Meghan brags that she communicates with Hayley better than Leann does… they have a secret language called whining.
When Hayley’s dress arrives – did she say thank you? Nope! Honey, the best accessory is a smile. Meghan doesn’t understand these teenager people. She texts her biffle like what the Yolo – why they be trippin’? Like cool stepmom 4 lyfe hired a photographer so they could takes photos on the beach for InstaAwesome. Hayley sulked and complained until Dad Jeans Jim told her to knock it the f–k off. Jim needs super nanny for Meghan and Hayley.
Vicki returns to OC. Shannon calls her to check in and Vicki shares she is completely numb following the funeral but is happy her mom is resting in a mausoleum instead of the cold ground. You know, I snark on the OC ladies, but when it’s important they rally around each other in support and love.
Shannon comes over to bring Vicki a plethora of healing homeopathic remedies because they’ve all worked sooooooo great for Shannon’s life! Vicki is going to a “median” to try and communicate with her mom – yes – she means “medium” but whatever works – as someone said on twitter, “they’re both in the middle of things.” Shannon wonders if she should see a median about resurrecting her dead marriage and communicating with the ghosts of happiness past.
Finally Tamra prepares to leave Ryan and the new baby. She sniffles about how her first born is all grown up now. Except Ryan isn’t so grown up that he’s providing for his own family. He wants to move back home to live with mommy – and bring Sarah, her three little girls from a previous relationship, and the new baby with him – and Tamra is going to finance this whole move. WWHD? (What Would Heather Do?) Heather would pour a glass of champs while instructing the nanny to store Ryan in the porte-cochere until he can wipe his own ass. But the kids can come inside.
TELL US – IS SHANNON’S MARRIAGE DOOMED? IS MEGHAN BRATTIER THAN HER STEP-DAUGHTER?
Photo Credit: Bravo TV