Confusing times on Real Housewives Of Orange County! Brooks makes me suspicious, yet Meghan Edmonds makes me equally suspicious. Whose motive is weirder?! I love a mystery – Veronica Mars is my favorite show, but Meghan makes amateur private investigators everywhere look psycho.
Brooks Ayers is a professional liar, smooth as snake oil and slathering it on Vicki Gunvalson as the serum of youth. Meghan is a two-bit phony, but she has two luxuries: Time and Vendetta (and internet access). This will not end well.
Things begin with Meghan meeting Heather Dubrow and Shannon for dinner. Everyone gets along now because Shannon saw the light that Meghan is always right (AKA, get along well enough to talk ish about Vicki).
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Shannon is throwing an Aries-themed party to celebrate being born in the Year of The Nut. Everyone must drink drinks while observing proof that her marriage was saved. (And if you could please tag photos on Facebook the mistress will see, that would be great!). Meghan is concerned Vicki and Brooks will attend, because she knows things! Bad things…
Meghan has been stalking Brooks! She called his doctor posing as a cancer patient and was informed his doctor doesn’t “do cancer.” Meghan gleefully confesses this to Heather, who merely shrugs and continues eating her steak (vampires crave blood), and Shannon Beador, whose mouth is literally on the floor (with limey-vodka dribbling out of it).
Once Meghan opened the can of worms by admitting she is crazy enough to do the dirty work, Heather and Shanon are uber-quick to question Vicki and Brooks. Shannon “dropped everything” (meaning she stopped burying evil eye crystals in David’s affair’s garden) to get Brooks an appt with a leading Lymphoma specialist. On the way to the appointment Brooks “got two flat tires” and missed. Hmmmm – sketchy (seriously).
Heather blithely commented that there are many conflicting stories, but went on describing the lovely waiter, and the steak being just rare enough to quench her thirst for blood. But is there resveratrol in it? Heather is too preoccupied with her own leeches to get too invested in Vicki’s!
Shannon, meanwhile, is relieved to finally have met someone crazier than herself. She shoots Meghan judgey eyes that I interpreted as saying, “This bitch is so batshit not even Dr. Moon could help!”
Here’s my favorite part of this whole Meghan mess. Before confessing, Maturity-Meghan ruefully told a story about Hayley throwing a rager while she and Jimmy were out of town “getting away” from kids and work (of which Meghan has NEITHER!). The cops were called. If Savior Stepmom was in charge this never would have happened – she has rules! Meghan complains that LeeAnn initially punished Hayley, then relented, which Meghan would NEVER have let happen. I love how Meghan heartily throws all of Jim’s exes under the bus, insults their parenting, and then claims LeeAnn’s cancer is her cancer and their children are her children. Meghan is a martyr y’all! A cancer crusader for justice. Let’s get her a cape and see if she flies!
However, IT GETS WORSE! Meghan then got to work googling and ‘happened upon’ a blog where Brooks‘ ex-girlfriend posted a comment stating he faked cancer. Meghan remembered her “good friend from college” is from that same “small town” in Mississippi as the ex and pried the ex-girlfriend’s number out of friend. Then Meghan texted the ex and unearthed a string of information which she did not reveal – the women did confirm dating Brooks, but wouldn’t discuss his cancer.
She also filed a restraining order. Meghan confessed to Jimmy while playing beauty shop and coloring on her hair with marker. But like all kids afraid of getting in trouble, Meghan lied. She told Jimmy the ex-girlfriend never responded.
Jim, probably imagining getting sued by Brooks, tells Meghan to stop. She rolls her eyes and DM’s Hayley about how lame Jim’s rules are.
Tamra Judge fixed her mom up on a blind date because her mom sits in her room all day watching reality TV.
Is she hiding in shame because Tamra is her daughter. Sandra wants to wear a zebra-print shirt on the date, but Tamra shrieks that it’s “hoochie.” Tamra would know hoochie…
Ryan and Tamra are supervising the date. Ryan makes sex innuendos as Sandra’s very nice date arrives. Tamra wonders if he’s going to keel over from exertion. Tamra and Ryan wander away and she informs Ryan that Eddie would like the $8k she gave him to be a loan. Ryan’s response, “So? This is a family matter. Eddie is not my dad.” No, but Eddie partially owns that $8k, which makes him involved! Eddie is also the fool that married Tamra. Pity the fool and his money who are soon parted.
Ryan whines that he wasn’t ready for parenthood and is considering calling off his wedding to Sarah because responsibility is scary. Ryan blames Tamra’s bad examples for his failures. Tamra prescribes church. Which has worked wonders for her…
Across town, Vicki trepidatiously prepares for Shannon’s party. She packs mace and orders Brooks not to get in any arguments because they owe Meghan no explanations. Agreed. Brooks, however, plans to confront Meghan, because the ex Meghan contacted, informed Brooks about her Cancerous Inquisition and sent him the entire text thread. Oopsie!
Shannon’s house looks amazing and zany. When Meghan and Jim arrive Meghan starts waving wildly and Jim snaps, “You’re waving at no one.” Meghan has a lot of imaginary friends. They’re helping her cure cancer one google search at a time! Meghan gifts Shannon some liquor that symbolizes Aries. She learned about it on Google of course!
Meghan gathers all the ladies around and spills her details. Lizzie Rovsek, who is my favorite person on this show, exclaims “Oh Shiiiiit!” but looks disgusted. Meghan beams at her own craftiness. Heather remarks wryly that something is off about Brooks, and Tamra pretends to be oh-so upset for Vicki.
Vicki arrives as everyone is shit-talking her so Heather skitters away because it’s too two-faced to say hello after you’ve been decimating a friend behind their back. This is considered highly principled for a Real Housewife! Meghan turns tail and runs because she received a pernicious warning from Vicki to “respect your elders.” Also Vicki may drop kick her into the pool and sic the giant inflatable dragon on her. Yes, Shannon is now the proud rescue mom of a dragon and a bumper sticker, “My Dragon is smarter than your Real Housewife ChildBride.”
Brooks makes a beeline for Meghan “Justice Quest” Edmonds and politely asks to speak to her and Jim “as a couple.” Meghan is forced to comply. Brooks, smooth and creamy as good chess pie with good southern manners, softly asks Meghan why she’s invading his privacy. Meghan just blankly repeats all the lines she practiced in the mirror about it being her right to know his health plan because things don’t add up. Is it now? Brooks never broke a sweat.
Heather rushes around alerting everyone that the shit is gonna go down. “SHHHHH!” Hisses Shannon attaching a super-sonic crystal to her frontal lobe to hear.
Brooks wants to know what Meghan’s motives are. Meghan doesn’t have much to say for herself except that Brooks is fishy and “knowledge is power!” She’s justified in seeking justice! She wasn’t stalking, she was researching! To help! Vicki insists Brooks’ doctor told him to stop chemo. Cut to Brooks saying his doctors wanted more aggressive chemo. (are they talking about the same doctors?) “Brooks doesn’t have cancer!” deduces Meghan. Jim, mortified, stares at the floor. Vicki, dejectedly, stares at Brooks and feels the pit of embarrassment in her stomach. It was the calmest Vicki has ever been. I wished Vicki and Jim would take each other’s hands and feel a kindred spirit. Instead they each half-heartedly defend their partners.
Meghan accuses Vicki of slandering her by calling her crazy and evil. Meghan fails to realize it’s not slander if it’s true! Actions speak louder than words – she admitted to stalking a man! Instead of bothering Brooks’ doctor, Meghan ought to seek out a psychiatrist!
But seriously – what is Meghan’s motive? Does she actually believe she has a right to minute details of Brook’s treatment simply because LeeAnn also has cancer? Should Brooks send Meghan a text when he poops juice? What about when he has a doctor’s appointment – she could tagalong. She definitely needs a hobby!
Vicki suggests Meghan study oncology. “Maybe I will,” snaps Meghan who then googles “On-Call-O-Gee.” Meghan then demands to know if Brooks told Tamra that Jimmy said two of their four months of marriage were a struggle. Jim nervously rubs his face (BUSTED BY BRAVO!). “I don’t talk to Tamra,” states Brooks. Adding, “Consider the source.” Meghan wonders if this implies Tamra “lacks credibility.” This woman thinks she can cure cancer, but she believes TAMRA has credibility!?
The conversation disbands – Brooks is very unruffled, while Vicki looks like she may pass out. Brooks’ reaction was bizarre! But that STILL does not make Meghan’s actions acceptable.
Meghan immediately runs to Tamra. Tamra flips out and runs around the party shrieking “Consider the source – You’re talking about me!” Tamra can’t handle the truth – she isn’t credible! She, like Brooks, is as known a liar. Evidently, it takes one to know one! Also she is the world’s worst friend – when will people on this show REALIZE this?!
Tamra storms over to Brooks and demands he explain himself. He declines because well, how do you explain to an irascible liar and terrible friend, that they are in fact an irascible liar and a terrible friend. Tamra’s argues that she has always supported Brooks and Vicki. In what universe?
Vicki scurries over, embarrassed and subdued, ordering Tamra to stop embarrassing herself (Who is Vicki dating again!?). She reminds Tamra it is she who repeated the gossip, but TAMRA who repeated it to Meghan – therefore she has no one to blame but herself. “You threw me under the bus by telling Meghan,” Vicki hisses. “It’s not about loyalty,” shrieks Tamra. Brooks, realizing they’re distracted, flees. Eddie slops noodles into his mouth. NOM NOM NOM
Meghan watches the whole episode unfolding while smirking evilly in the corner. Meghan is scary. Jim again demands she stop. She agrees to with all the hollow false promises of a teenager who wants to borrow the car.
This brings me to my quandary on the perplexing questions of Brooks and Meghan: It is impossible to choose the lesser of two evils! After carefully considering it, I’ve decided they’re both attention-seeking, liars willing to do whatever it takes to get their way, and therefore they are soulmates. Jimmy will be single soon. Holla if you’re in the market for a mouth-breather wearing mom jeans!
Jim Edmonds may be able to catch a baseball, but he can’t catch a runaway Meghan. Of course, he obviously cares much, much, MUCH more about baseball – and well, ANYTHING, really – than he cares about his wife. Despite Meghan chanting to herself that Jimmy loves her soul, it’s not possible to love a cold, vacant black hole of vacuous obsession and whining. After all, I tried to love this show!
The bottom line is this – Meghan KING Edmonds has no dog in this fight. She has absolutely no history with Vicki or Brooks and no motive. Come to think of it Meghan has no dogs in any of the fights she drags herself into – she’s either a masochist with a Fifty Shades fixation or a bored, lonely, lady who ought to channel her quest for justice and over-abundant compassion into volunteering. She deemed herself the self-appointed crusader to take down Brooks. Many have tried but Meghan will succeed – armed with the resources of “a psychic and a blog.” Even Brooks points out how ludicrous her sources are (add Tamra to the list!). That’s all kinds a wrong!
We’re talking about a man who spends his so-called work hours perusing the aisles of Hallmark and writing down card verses, then practicing them in the rear view mirror of the car his latest grift-recipient purchased. But then again, we’re also talking about a woman who spends all of her s0-called stepmom savior hours on google. Meghan may self-congratulate herself on her own “resourcefulness” but every other Housewife looked disgusted and afraid.
Yes, Brooks is sleazy and sketchy. Meghan’s behavior makes her look just as sleazy and sketchy! Two wrongs don’t make a right.
It is despicable to go on TV and speak authoritatively about cancer treatments with no qualifying expertise! However, Meghan is also an expert on parenting despite having absolutely NO experience. I would know – I stalked her ex-husband via a blog, texted him, and he confirmed Meghan never had children and only went to Chuck E. Cheese once but got drunk and was kicked out of the ball pit.
There are lots of different ways to treat cancer. And lots of different bodies and people and health plans. While I can’t speak for Brooks anymore than Meghan can, I have personally known people who beat cancer (and are in remission for years) without chemo. Meghan needs to shut the F–K up and quit announcing on national television that because SHE Googles a lot she knows how cancer is treated. Meghan should dedicate that energy into investigating why her own life is so empty she is playing Lifetime Movie girl detective with someone’s health, then declaring these findings as fact. You are not a doctor, Meghan, and the Fisher Price stethoscope you play with is not real. Brooks’ smarminess aside, in general, what she is doing is dangerous and disgusting.
The worst of Meghan’s offenses: she’s making me feel bad for Vicki. Unforgivable!
TELL US – DID MEGHAN GO TOO FAR OR IS HER QUEST FOR JUSTICE JUSTIFIED?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]