The ladies of Real Housewives Of Orange County should just become Sister Wives married to Brooks Ayers. Literally all they do is talk about him! Obsessed is putting it mildly. Unfortunately, Jesus is also being dragged into this. Save yourself Jesus, let “Saton” have the others.
According to Vicki Gunvalson, Satan (pronounced as “Saton”, which rhymes with Louis Vuitton) has infiltrated Coto and its surrounding enclaves (and Shannon Beador‘s anal cavity) to create confusion. Vicki say: Saton loves confusion! Saton say Real Housewives confused about being good friend. Yes, Saton is writing his own misfortune cookies now.
Let’s get this started! Briana is visiting, and since Brooks has been shipped off to a Motel 6 (or Jeana Keogh‘s abandoned storage shed), Briana, Ryan, and their sons are staying at Vicki’s. Home is where the heart is… unless Brooks is on the premises.
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Vicki is thrilled. Briana and Ryan, on the other hand, believe the house is haunted by Brooks‘ demons of moochery and it has developed a “musty” smell. Briana is depressed because the family home was compromised. Ryan complains the house is “dirty.” Apparently without him there to police the sofa things have descended into filth. Mr. Highfalutin of the tornado shelters has high standards. Perhaps there is a vacancy at Palace de Dubrow. Also, Brooks has defiled the family sofa by sitting on it! Maybe Tamra Jesusy-Judge can perform an exorcism?
After Briana talks shit about her mom, Vicki and the fam head to a petting zoo. Michael joins them. Michael is so over everything. Which is why Michael is my favorite person on RHOC. Team Michael Is My Everything.
While riding the miniature train, Vicki announces she “feels like a circle jerk!” Vicki doesn’t understand exactly what a circle jerk is (because Saton loves confusion). Ironically, circle jerk could accurately describe Vicki’s relationship. Brooks: A jerk who runs circles around her!
Meghan King Edmonds realizes, like, being a stepmom is “Hashtag”NotCool,” so she’s decided to be Hayley’s friend. Which means wearing a headband attached to a BumpIt! because all the kids are watching Jersey Shore these days… Try as Meghan may to reenact Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead, she hath failed! Instead Meghan and Hayley do a homemade face mask while Jim is off in St. Louis working
on wife no 4.
“Hayley needs someone to talk to and I want that to be me,” whines Meghan. Yes, because someone in that house needs to acknowledge Meghan “Waving At No One” Edmonds. It sure won’t be Jimmy!
Reminding Meghan someone cares, Tamra calls. Tamra is being bapittymitized by her pasture and she wants Meghan to attend. Meghan invites Hayley as her +1 since Jim disappeared into a pile of Dad Jeans. Might Meghan’s stalking prowess locate befallen Jimmy? Truth! Justice!
Speaking of… Shannon Beador and David see their therapist about THE AFFAIR To Never Forget. Shannon sobs about Trust! Forgiveness! Communication! All of which David has. Because David stayed after he strayed – even though he’s cosigning to a life reflected in Shannon’s judgey eyes. “David and I have saved our marriage!” boasts Shannon, drying acid tears. They saved their marriage yet sold their souls to
Bravo Saton. Who loves creating confusion and conflict. Thank goodness for the savior – vodka-infused lemons!
Now that Shannon is done saving her marriage from Saton, she’s focused on becoming World’s Best Mom. Shannon drags her teenaged daughters to get makeup. But, there are conditions: they can paint their faces like hookers so long as they use organic makeup. Is Shannon taking parenting advice from MeMeMeghan now?
Heather Dubrow meets Shannon and Tamra for lunch. Sixteen seconds after sitting down the ladies start discussing Brooks. And cancer! Cause um… what else would they possibly discuss? Tamra’s joint account with Eddie and her worries about how she’ll hide how much she gives Ryan? Divorce-onary spending! Shannon comments that David and Eddie are penny-pinchers, while she and Tamra don’t watch the money. Precisely how David was getting away with THE AFFAIR To Never Forget.
Tamra tells Heather about Brooks’s scan. They discusses, again, why Vicki showed Tamra but not the other 3 Real Oncologists of Orange County: Shannon (whose had scans), Heather (who’s married to a plastic surgeon) and Meghan (who has a computer). It never crosses anyone’s mind that Vicki chose Tamra because Tamra is supposed to be Vicki’s warrior friend. Basically everyone accepts that Vicki assumed Tamra was the only one stupid enough to believe the scan. (Saton loves confusion!). Tamra is fine with this
because Satan is her homeboy.
The ladies reel over Heather and Terry’s skincare line containing resveratrol. Shockingly, Heather, who developed this skin care line from it’s microparticled conception, had no idea until she was announcing resveratrol on LiveTV. The ladies marvel that resveratrol can cure cancer and wrinkles. Miracles! Resveratrol is multi-faceted. Just like grapes. Grapes make, among other things,: wine, juice, jams, compotes, desserts, raisins, face scrubs, sour bitter betties looking for reality TV storylines…
Shannon complains that she tried to be a friend to Vicki by taking her to lunch and demanding she talk about Brooks. And then Vicki called her “nasty”. However, after what we’re abut to discuss down page, Shannon has NO BUSINESS being insulted by the word “nasty.”
Then Shannon reveals the least shocking information ever – that David had an affair. Heather and Tamra are like, yeah, we knew – it wasn’t their Botox rendering them expressionless. Shannon rambles about how she’s fixing her marriage and beating OC’s 72% divorce rate. The divorce rate has gone up two percentage points since the season started?
Because Meghan and Jim moved to town?
Tamra tries to insist her conversation with Heather from last season, the one where she called Shannon, among other things a “sad, sad soul” who “drinks too much,” was benevolent. Tamra was being kind by forcing Heather to take pity on cockoled Shannon. Whatever Jesus Dud.
Speaking of Jesus, Tamra is getting baptized and covering all the important bases. Like getting a makeover (Jesus Barbie 214: Though Shall Not Face Jesus With Unkempt Highlights) and buying a new dress because this is not so much a church service about accepting Jesus into your heart, but a Dress Like An Angel party. Hopefully now one gets confused and wears Victoria’s Secret lingerie!
Why is Tamra not getting investigated for the veracity of her Jesus?
Tamra meets Briana for a little girl chat. Tamra tries to misremember us by saying Vicki asked her to talk to Briana about accepting Brooks, but in reality Tamra “Pot Stirring For Jesus” volunteered. Sipping Bloody Mary’s (Saton’s brew), Briana worries Vicki is ruining her life by isolating herself from friends and loved ones over untrustworthy Brooks. Tamra tries to make her ‘concerned warrior friend’ act convincing, but she’s too busy salivating when Briana informs her that previously Brooks claimed to have survived pancreatic cancer but then when Briana ‘Meghan-ed’ deeper, Brooks confessed to actually having pancreatitis. Or an inflammation of the pancreas mainly caused by alcohol. Brooks and his inflammations! Especially those inflammations of the truth – always cropping up at the worst possible times!
Well, Briana’s doubts and skepticisms are a lot more believable than Dr. MeMeMeCanGoogle‘s. And yes, NO ONE LIKES OR TRUSTS BROOKS. Let’s move on. Forever.
Tamra and Vicki meet at a prom store to buy a new white dress for Tamra’s baptism, which will be taking place in SkyZone, presided over by Jim Bellino, right?! Tamra, who is now the go-between for Vicki and the other women, asks how Brooks is and then launches into telling Vicki all the women think the scan is fake. Vicki doesn’t care – because she’s blaming “Saton” for confusing people and stirring up evil right in Shannon’s vodka extraextraextra lime cocktails.
Can Alexis Bellino start teaching Jesus Barbie classes – Vicki and Tamra need them.
In what can only be considered a bad omen for Tamra’s Jesus conversion, on the day she is to be dunked into the Holiday Inn pool and Club Detoxed from sin, Shannon does anal. So fitting.
NATURALLY, it was SHANNON’s version of anal. Which means an at-home colonic provided by Dr. Moon, then getting a piece of the plastic tubing lost inside her butt. When is Meghan going to start probing into Dr. Moon – and Shannon’s claims about crystal healing (which sounds like a Pat Benatar song)?
Backdoor Real Housewife!
Shannon freaks out while digging through her massive collection of enemas as the extracted colonic tubes are hanging out in the sink. Shannon retreats to the bedroom to give herself the enema then demands David’s help. She also called Terry. That Saton sure does like confusion!
Let’s break this down. First, Shannon did a colonic with plastic in it! Shannon of the nontoxic crystal-infused palace of unsexual healing put plastic up her butt? What about BPA?!
Then because Shannon doesn’t have internet (WiFi is toxic!) she can’t look up help and Dr. Moon isn’t answering the phone.
But(T) the biggest WTF: Shannon did a COLONIC hours before attending a party where the required dresscode is WHITE. Heather does leeches before a party, and leaked. Shannon does a colonic before a party – and hopefully won’t be leaking poop! But she could just shower in the locker room of the YMCA pool. That’s where Tamra is getting bapittymitized, right?
Things get worse for Shannon! Actually things got worse for David. Shannon made David dig “up there” to locate the broken piece. Which, it turns out, hadn’t gotten lost at all. Shannon knows – she investigated the contents of her toilet.
Shannon humblebrags to her already traumatized daughter about how David went deep to show his love. He still has the poop underneath his fingernails to prove it. As Shannon gloats in a cloud of saved marriage smugness, David calmly washes his hands in the kitchen sink. Proof is in the poop!
Meghan is not feeling the love. Hayley bailed on going to the baptism. Meghan calls Jimmy to confess how lonely she is without a playmate. Can’t Meghan just have a friend? Jim astutely tells her no one will care that Hayley ditched because she’s a TEENAGER. A real one, unlike Meghan of the Stunted Adolescent Edmonds of Headband Hills, CA. Why is Meghan a stage-five clinger bizarrely attached to her teenaged stepdaughter?
Meghan listens to her Lion King soundtrack, playing “Can You Feel The Love” on repeat until she hashtagfeelsbetter, then third-wheels it with Heather and Terry to the “Angels In The Outdoor Pool” party.
Shannon may have gotten her colon cleansed, but it hasn’t cleared away her doubts. Since Shannon must have suspicion and doubt, (and David has thusly proven himself loyal), she’s convinced herself Vicki knows Brooks is faking cancer and intentionally duping Shannon. Shannon’s proof: Brooks wouldn’t go to Shannon’s doctor. The doctor who gave her an at-home colonic then wouldn’t answer his pager when buzzed (cell phones are toxic!)?
Vicki attends the baptism without
Saton Brooks. “There won’t be conflicts at party for Jesus,” she decides. Oh Vicki – Housewives have no scruples!
Speaking of which… if Saton creates confusion, and so too does Brooks, does that mean Brooks is Saton? Brooks does whisper false affirmations to delude
one Vicki into his cull…
PS – I totally want John Oliver to break down the cancer schadenfreude on RHOC. PPS – I totally wanted to title this recap “Backdoor Real Housewife.”
TELL US – WAS SHANNON’S COLONIC THE LOWEST MOMENT IN RHOC HISTORY? IS VICKI “DUPING” THE WIVES?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]