Whenever the Real Housewives Of Orange County throw a decades-themed party they’re guaranteed to turn that era into the apocalypse. Remember the 80’s Bunko Night party? Also, anyone else seeing parallels between Shannon Beador and Kelly Dodd?
Kelly is a hot wreck of insane annoyingness. Girl, you have got to dial that down to at least 11! She’s just … TOO MUCH. When Kelly drinks holy – can she not reign it in! Shannon was totally twatty to Kelly, but Kelly had a raging case of the Saturday night ferocious when she massively over-reacted to two gossipy bitches talking garbage and Shannon’s projecting. Or who knows – maybe Kelly does have something to hide? WHOOOO are you, Kelly Dodd? Do I really want to know?
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At least we discovered why Shannon just does not jell-o with Kelly (other than the obvious that they’re both annoying!) – she believes Kelly was some other man’s mistress!
As if the original 70’s weren’t bad enough, the RHOC reboot forced us to endure Vicki Gunvalson dressed as Daphne from Scooby-Doo and Shannon storming around looking like a suburban Housewives version of “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves” while at a Key Party. (Except she ain’t sharing David!)
Even worse, Shannon had these two ‘friends’ there, who thought the 70’s meant dress like your favorite communist hooker, and would totally be down for David inserting his key into their locks if they weren’t hired to muddle Kelly’s limes instead.
The episode begins at the end of Shannon’s party and she totally DID look like Mrs. Roper. Which try as she might, Tamra Judge can’t make that into a compliment. Meanwhile, Kelly is being escorted out by Michael and turns into an owl. She does not fly away though! Oh no, we wouldn’t be that lucky.
Then magically we flashback 48 hours earlier to Shannon and David escorting their children to a costume store. David wonders if the girls are attending the 70’s party. Uhhhh… Shannon wonders if Stella attended school this week. Poor Stella was too sick for sex-ed class and now has a burning desire to know if David has wet dreams. So she asks. Over and over again.
Shannon brags that this demonstrates how close their family is. Not quite – but it’s proof that you’re wholly inappropriate with your daughters and have overly-involved them into your very adult affair. I love how Stella f–ks with Shannon SO HARD.
Across town, Kelly is shopping with Tamra in a totally normal store. Like if they wish it and hope it Shannon’s 70’s theme will transform into ‘Look your most hot in a bikini because you’re training for a fitness competition’ (and Shannon is training for a vodka chugging one with Kelly as her main competition).
Kelly admits to Tamra that Shannon is negative and difficult. Heather Dubrow told Kelly about her initial experiences with Shannon, so Kelly knows she’s not alone! Tamra explains they once had an issue, but insists it’s her fault. A) Maybe Jesus really has changed Tamra? Was she… taking accountability?! B) Holy Hell – seeing that flashback of Shannon from her first season – she has aged 10-years! (DAVID IS BAD FOR YOUR CONSTITUTIONS AND NO AMOUNT OF CRYSTALS WILL MAKE YOU GET OVER THE AFFAIR).
Of course, Kelly is actually just upset because Shannon doesn’t love Vicki anymore – and that’s not fair! Vodka is transparent, and so is Kelly! Or maybe she’s a tequila girl? Either way!
On the other side of town, Meghan King Edmonds is pretending Jimmy is excited about what’s happening with her eggs as he boards a plane days before her egg retrieval surgery. He’s not – unless they’re sunny side-up and served with bacon, or contain a map leading him to his missing cellphone charger. Meghan rambles some excuses about Jimmy not connecting with women after spending his life in a locker room – except Meghan is his THIRD wife.
Here’s Meghan’s medical issue: she’s a walking coma. NEXT. (Vicki Snores Syndrome ZZZZZZZZ).
Since Jimmy doesn’t want videos of Meghan poking herself with a needle then high fiving her own reflection, she goes over to Heather’s to whine about shots and harvesting eggs. Bravo needs to stop with the medical crap! We don’t care about IVF journeys, anymore than Jimmy does. And, no, we don’t take Meghan seriously as a cancer advocate – especially considering that she’s married to a man who prefers scented candles to hearing her talk.
At Heather’s, the kids buzz around while the chef prepares dinner so Heather can drink champagne. Then Terry walks in and Heather immediately berates him for scheduling a trip on Mother’s Day. Hey Meghan – welcome to your future! Also, Heather, reality check: That chef? The miracle ice maker, the pizza oven made of diamonds, the closet with champagne dispenser, the Chanel… yeah, that ain’t free because you’re the universe’s most special snowflake! Someone has to work for that. Cut the man some challa, and chill like a glass of champs!
Kelly gets pedicures with Jolie where we learn her version of Catholic guilt is to make sure Jolie regrets not using her iPad enough. Kelly believes she’s a strict mother and Jolie attends Catholic school to make up for all the materialism in the OC. It’s working – Jolie gave up ice cream for lent, but only in solidified form. Liquefied ice cream like milk shakes or soft serve don’t count. #FixItJesus #WheresTamraToSaveJoliesSoul
Over at Vicki’s, she’s full-time Nana while Briana recovers. I loved this – it was cute, sappy, silly, and funny, and Vicki’s grandsons are adorable. It’s absolutely the best side of Vicki – the one I’m going to try to remember when she phones a certain undesirable later.
In the limo to Shannon’s party, she informs David that Vicki was invited. David is not happy, because out of loyalty to Shannon HE hates Vicki more than she does! These two are faker than the wig atop David’s crazy eyes. He’s got crazy eyes; and she’s got crazy everywhere else – especially in the colorectal region, it seems. The only thing disintegrating faster than this happy marriage facade is Kelly’s sobriety.
Always empty of the love tank, Vicki rides to the party with Kelly and Michael, who are already (eye-roll) “MC Hammer’d.” Wrong decade, Kelsters! Vicki has been desperate for a ‘whoop it up night’ after the stress of Briana. She believes if she can go to Shannon’s party and remind the girls that she’s so like super fun, all the bad blood will be forgotten. Except like the sticky remains of a Jell-O shot on the floor, there’s always something there to remind you!
In this case, that something is Meghan, who questions Shannon about why she invited Vicki (Shannon remembered when a certain someone excluded her from a party – ahem, Meghan), and Tamra about why she’s friends with Vicki again. Meghan scoffs that SHE of high morals, truths, and justices would NEVER, EVER forgive a liar. Since no one cares about Meghan’s opinions or her eggs (which are the size of cantaloupes!) she sulks in the corner alongside her mom, who is in town for Meghan’s egg retrieval because Jimmy only cares about retrieving baseballs. Just to clarify, Meghan’s mad that Vicki was living a lie.
Even Tamra is annoyed. Like ‘God Meghan, last year when you did all my dirty work I could pretend to stand by you, but this season when a piece of butter-less toast is more exciting – especially because I’m on my fitness journey to Jesus diet – shut up about my life!‘
As soon as Kelly walked through the door, Shannon’s friend Jaci, who conveniently remembers that time when Kelly and Michael were separated, and they partied with Kelly’s ‘in between Michael times’ man. Shockingly, I thought Kelly recovered well from Jaci announcing this right in front of Michael, as Shannon smirked.
Kelly repaid the favor by telling David he looked like a pedophile in that wig. Kelly obviously got the memo that Shannon has no sense of humor – particularly where David is concerned – and Shannon’s wig starts emitting fumes of rage and her eyes turn to red glowing crystals. Luckily we were saved from that scene by Heather arriving on roller skates, ready to roll right away from the Boogie Fights as RHOC’s Roller Dictatress.
The creepiest thing at this party was not Kelly turning into an animal species, or Shannon’s carnival fortune teller costume, or David screaming in Vicki’s face, or Heather falling on her ass in her skates but accusing Terry of pushing her, but Tamra, sober and rational (but STILL expert at shit-stirring).
As Tamra is enjoying her chicken skewer, Shannon’s two “friends” Jaci and Nina have a little dirt to spill about Kelly’s past. Naturally, Kelly and Vicki walk by just at this moment, searching for a missing purse. Jaci tries to call Kelly over, but Nina gets into an argument with Kelly over the location of the purse, causing Jaci to mumble, “That didn’t go like I thought it would…”
Little sprouts grow out of Tamra’s flower headband… something is not right here. Did Shannon try to set Kelly up? Yes – yes she did. There is NO WAY Shannon is friends with Jaci and Nina, who, as Kelly points out are basic bitches trolling the Newport/OC scene looking for sugar daddies. Shannon wouldn’t trust those girls within 200 miles of David’s antenna. Second of all, how staged! The way Shannon tried to cover up her smirk as Kelly confronted Jaci? Giveaway!
It turns out Nina threw Vicki’s purse on a sofa – actually throwing it on Heather, who was having a heart-to-heart with Terry about his work schedule. He may be winning reality TV, but he’s botching fatherhood! While Vicki and Kelly are locating the purse, Tamra waddles in fast as her lucite platforms can carry her to whisper that Jaci is talking about Kelly. Kelly storms back in there and BOOM! Eruption.
Somehow, Kelly winds up screaming at Shannon that she looks like Mrs. Roper – she does – and the Three’s Company was in Shannon’s marriage. Wearing her Nancy Sinatra boots, Vicki walks away. Nice job defending her BFF there!
As the landlord of that party, Shannon evicts Kelly, but as Michael is trying to pry his wasted wife from the scene (while instigating her), Kelly calls Shannon “dumb.” As if that weren’t bad enough, in the next room, Vicki mutters something about Shannon being in her drama element and David screams in Vicki’s face calling her a disgusting liar who was in bed with Brooks in more ways than one. Vicki, to her credit, kept her cool and then she reminded Mr. High and Mighty that he’s a cheater – which makes him a liar too. OUCH. And bridge to friendship BURNED.
“This is how he talks to Shannon,” Vicki snaps, “I’m not Shannon.” Heather and Tamra are standing there speechless, when Shannon barges in screeching and whining, “”David! David! These people are calling me DUMB! DO SOMETHING!” Was this romper room? Is Shannon in pre-school?
Kelly, overhearing David yell at Vicki, rushes over to protect her. They are so close! This friendship is so real! Shannon’s high-pitched voice has NOTHING on Kelly’s shrilly, shrieky ranting that is echoing in my brain like a nightmare. But did anyone else find it ironic that Shannon “vodka lips” Beador kept telling Kelly to have another drink?
“No wonder you cheated on your wife!” Kelly screamed to David while walking out the door. Heather and Tamra gasp. An enraged Shannon calls out Kelly as being the REAL cheater. Apparently, Shannon and Kelly live in the same neighborhood. When Shannon was moving in there was a rumor that a girl was cheating with another neighbor and they were caught making out. I think Kelly denied it – I really can’t tell from her reaction, which consisted of screaming “WHOOOO?!”
Or maybe that was Kelly’s karaoke rendition of The Who’s WHOOOOOO are you? Cause Kelly really wants to know, WHOOOOOO did she cheat with? Or maybe WHOOOOOOOO saw me cheating? Or possibly WHOOOOOOO are you calling a cheater? Is that me you’re talking to? Cause I really wanna know too. “Kelly sounds like an owl,” observes Tamra.
Meghan, who brought us this gem, Kelly, insists she’s never seen her act this way. Then she slumps home to ice her eggs. Kelly and Vicki tumble into a limo where Kelly is irate over being set-up. Vicki is irate that her boots weren’t made for walking right out on the Brooks drama, so she CALLS HIM to complain that he’s ruining her life and has to prove she wasn’t lying to protect him! What was that – Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? (Brooks does!) with Vicki using the Phone A Friend Lifeline? Vicki – you weren’t crucified, only terminally stupid! #Vicktim
Back at the party, Shannon decides with the riff-raff out, the fun can begin. She strips off her ‘hooker Mrs. Roper’ costume to put on a “naked suit” with obvious strap-on, so she and Tamra can recreate Shannon’s favorite 70’s activity: streaking. They race into the party to dry hump Heather.
I’m not sure if that means the party ended on a high note or a low one? Something tells me there is a lot more to the Shannon/Kelly saga (I think Kelly has some dirt on Shannon too).
TELL US – DID SHANNON SET KELLY UP? DID KELLY OVER-REACT? CAN YOU BELIEVE VICKI CALLED BROOKS?
[Photo Credits: Nicole Weingart/Bravo]