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Kyle Cooke in a mullett wig

On last night’s Summer House, Fourth Of July fell on a Monday, which meant the party continued for one more lovely day!

Despite having to venture back to the city to begin a hellacious 3-day work week, the housemates threw a ‘casual’ BBQ brunch, where they frolicked in flag-adorned wardrobes, then strapped on their respectable fisherman’s sweaters and chinos to jettison back to reality later that evening, or in some cases, 4 am the following morning.

Yes, in Montauk every minute is a minute you could be consuming a cocktail, or dealing with a c–k! (or is it dick – I’m conflating the two with good reason here). The rules of Summer House are governed by Kyle Cooke and his roving eye.

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Kyle believes all problems, from clingy flings to regrettable comparisons to Steve Jobs, can be solved by blender drinks, 4 am potato chip showers, and pointing to positivity using drunken Thai Chi. Kyle just wants to channel the party gods, guys! And in Kyle’s dictatorial Neverland, the only rule is no relationships! Therefore he is pissy that his good friend Everett Weston went ahead and got couple’d. What about Kyle’s bromance?!

Kyle also condemns other adult-like behaviors unless you are the Wirkus twins cleaning the kitchen post-party.

Kyle Cooke BBC

Celebrating the Fourth Of July should never be wasted on remembering America’s fight for independence, but instead awash in the marvel at American innovation in creating the beer bong. And then washing that down with a “BBC” – a Baileys, Banana, and Cream. Cause why not?! After all we won that independence in a war against Britain! The BBC is essentially the alcoholic version of a meal replacement shake. Like Slim Fast For Sunday Sloshers.

Kyle also decided no good fight for independence is complete without honoring America’s greatest discovery – screw you Vidal Sassoon, but come in nice and close for a hug 1992 Billy Ray Cyrus, because on this great day let the freedom to business in the front; party in the back, ring. Which is kind of a great metaphor for the lives of the Summer House crew, no?

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By week they are all business in NYC, selling $1.9 million in dental sales from a backpack while waltzing around Chelsea, or rushing from SoHo to NoHo to host the opening of an envelope, then, on Friday, driving to Montauk around 1 – perhaps 3 if you have a particularly heinous slave-driving boss – to get down to the business of partying in the back bay.

Well such is the lives of early-thirties semi-singledom in Manhattan/Montauk. Last night’s drama was all about relationships. Kyle is dating-ish Amanda, who is 9-years-younger in years (not maturity), however all this means is she’s “not looking for a ring” and has “less cellulite.” Oh, those girls of a Tinder-age – so gullible about the machinations of older men (in mullets) with the emotional maturity of toddlers.

Kyle and Amanda Summer House

Kyle’s quandary is that he may want to get back together with Amanda post-summer, so he doesn’t want to crush that potential by stringing her along. Amanda told him that she can’t handle the instability of whatever they have going and wants more commitment. To Kyle that seems to means consistently hooking-up when it’s convenient for him. And Kyle will not be tamed!

I already have a love-hate relationship with Kyle. He reminds me of my wonderful years as a West Virginia University undergrad and he’s definitely the type of guy you’d have fun with – not the type of guy you try to have ‘talks’ with while spraying sunblock on his mullet. Because Kyle is all fake hair and douchetoids.

Proving that incestuous socializing is all the rage in this group, we learn that Kyle had his first guilt-free summer fling by making out with Lindsay Hubbard and Christina Gibson‘s other roommate the night before. Kyle then invites them both to the Fourth Of July BBQ. In between rosé and margies, Kyle frets about it being awkward.

While holding hands with Kerry as Amanda hovers across the pool, Kyle marvels at the “crockpot of chemistry” brewing. Um, that sounds like what happens when mixed drinks alchemize with STDs. Basically – not your mother’s crockpot!

Unwisely, Amanda decides to ‘stay’ the night with Kyle before he’s forced to return to NYC on Tuesday. Oh, honey… she needs some of Ashley Wirkus‘ tough love.

Lauren and Carl go on a FroYo date

Ashley is living cross-country from her hubby Brad. Since she is old, married, and settled she invests all her energy into micromanaging Lauren’s budding romance with Carl Radke, and trying to get Lauren married and settled. After hooking up two nights in a row – one of them breaking the bed (and my night vision) in the process – Lauren is starting to have ‘feelings-lite’ for Carl. Ashley obsesses that Carl will break Lauren’s heart. She reminds Lauren of this approximately every 15 minutes.

Perhaps Ashley’s perspective isn’t too far off, though. Carl is … well, he’s sleazy. He goes into overdrive trying to woo Lauren, even taking her on an impromptu FroYo date so they’re forced to ‘talk,’ not just get drunk and f–k. Before that ‘date-ish,’ Lauren seemed to have realistic expectations about where things would go with Carl (drunkenly into the hot tub, then into his bed, until a better blender drink came along).  Over potent Fro-Yo, she opens up about what she’s looking for in a man: no surprise it’s “Tall, Dark, and Handsome” but also Brad. Which is just odd, dark, and creepy.

Especially since Carl kinda checks all the Brad boxes. Even worse, Carl goes along with it, joking that he’s Brad 2.0, the better version, and the he and Brad need to meet and do a grill-offs and balance the Wirkus estrogen with some manliness. Later when Ashley is FaceTiming Brad, and Lauren says hello, Carl pops in to ‘introduce’ himself and broflirt with Brad. Dude – if Lauren is just a summer fling of convenience, I don’t think courting a bromance with Brad is the way to set boundaries!

But Carl, the former ‘chubby kid” who over-compensated with being funny and a good listener, has much to prove to his own ego.

Carl & Lauren's Mock Wedding

Even as Lauren and Carl shove cake into each other’s mouths, a la a wedding, then make out and frolic by the pool in front of everyone, Carl keeps telling himself he’s come two-times too many to the tower of Lauren, and must distance himself before he falls in deep. Poor Lauren. I actually like the twins for all their twinspeak, and I don’t think Lauren deserves this, but I also think Ashley’s meddling is making Lauren go overboard in proving what’s going on with with Carl. Ashley, go find Brad 1.0 and leave Lauren be.

My favorite housemamember is mild-mannered Stephen McGee from ‘bama! His daddy is named Cletus, he grew up super religious and even went to a Christian college before dropping out and fleeing to NYC. He only came out three years ago and as Kyle asks about his life, pool-side, while wearing a mullet wig, Stephen feels a little closer to home. Stephen seems to take life, and the looniness, in stride. I like how he and Ashley stick together as the ‘sane ones’ – even asexually snuggling in bed together. Brad doesn’t worry at all about Ashley being in a house full of singles since half their relationship has been spent apart.

Lindsay fights with Everett

I guess I have to talk about the nacho supreme of dysfunction that is Everett and Lindsay, don’t I? According to Instagram, these two are still together. These two are together not because a psychic who Kyle met on one of those hotlines told Lindsay a tall, thin guy was in her orbit, but because they were tired of orbiting the sun alone. And there by the Grace of God be convenience. The biological clock works in mysterious ways after thirty – especially when you’re sharing an apartment the size of an ATM lobby with two other girls, one of them being the ever-nagging Christina.

Lindsay is jealous and insecure though, and Everett has a psycho-chip. Christina reveals that Everett has practically moved in, leaving the toilet seat up (ick), and therefore Christina knows things, like how Lindsay pretends everything is perfect and happy, when they have loud arguments all the time. In Montauk they start fighting because Everett got a text from a CO-WORKER and Lindsay freaked out that it’s “inappropriate” for him to respond. Ummmmmm…

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Before all that, they hit the gym in preparation for a day of BBC excess, and decide to move in together. Instead of telling Christina, her roommate, Lindsay tells the Wirkus twins, who immediately distract Christina by making her clean, and then casually mention how Lindsay is sticking her with the rent.

Christina spends all of July 4th obsessing about Lindsay planning to move without telling her, until Lindsay calls a powwow with Christina and Kerry – their other roommate – to gush about how in love she is with Everett and not to worry because she has months before her lease is up. “I hope you’re happy,” says Christina tersely.

Christina finds out Lindsay is moving out

I see this relationship going places. Like to the bottom of a grimy STD invested hot tub with a splash of Kyle. The following Friday, while Christina remains in the city for work, Kyle decides the party can never stop and whips up watermelon blender drinks. Except Lindsay and Everett buzzkill the fun by getting into a huge fight, in the hot tub, about him texting his “not cute” co-worker (I’m sure this statement made for great workplace relations today). It starts when Everett complains to Ashley that Lindsay is insecure and has issues.

Lindsay doesn’t care if said co-worker is 700lbs with a tail, Everett should not be acknowledging that another vagina may be out there – in fact he shouldn’t even acknowledge the presence of a bromance. He should only have eyes on Lindsay – and her crazy eyes. Everett is right to call her insecure. He is not right to throw a huge tantrum and start cussing at her.

Fun police Kyle wants everything to stay light, frothy, and superficial – no fights will darken his summer house! In the midst of Lindsay and Everett’s fight, he jumps into the hot tub, splashing everyone and pissing Everett off even more. In his blissful drunken Thai Chi zen-dom, Kyle is immune to “serious conversations” or social cues that involve “emotions.” Kyle calls him a “drama queen,” so Everett splash-attacks him the way I did when my little brother wouldn’t leave my friends and I alone in the pool (we’re talking 8th grade here).

Kyle & Everett's hot tub fight

Of course, Kyle and Everett almost get in a fistfight, in the hot tub – mostly it’s Everett lashing out, though. And that folks is Summer House. And this folks is why we fell in love with Vanderpump Rules all those years ago.

I end this recap with a warning: Bravo, take it from me – get a handle on Pump Rules. We want brofights and homances, and misguided fashions, and tantrums of the glorious unchecked variety, and drunken meltdowns with real tears and tons and tons of partying like the future doesn’t matter and the past well, one sodden night you left on a swan shaped raft alongside your dignity.

TELL US – WILL KYLE EVER GROW UP? IS CARL STRINGING LAUREN ALONG? IS LINDSAY JEALOUS AND INSECURE? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]