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Lauren Wirkus freaks out

On last night’s Summer House we met the newest housewife Jaclyn Shuman, and Do. Not. Like. So far. Sorry.  Also, Lauren Wirkus got a first glimpse of the sleaze-o-rama that is Carl Radke, and Kyle Cooke finally, officially, had his last bootycall with the foolish Amanda. Well that’s what he says anyway.

But first we must break-down the hot tub wrestling match that went on between Kyle and Everett Weston the night before. Ashley Wirkus has never seen water slash so high as when Everett threw it at Kyle’s slurring mouth. Ashley – you could walk to the beach which is probably like 8 feet from you. She crashes Lauren and Kyle’s slumber party to reveal the details of the fight. She’s shocked Everett got so worked up over Kyle trying to simmer down his argument with Lindsay Hubbard.

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The next morning, Kyle fires up the margarita machine for a serious chat: EVERYONE MUST STAY SINGLE IN KYLE’S HOUSE. Not really, but he does point out that Everett and Lindsay’s phony happiness isn’t masquerading their very real dysfunction, which is cramping everyone’s style. The rule is quite simple: don’t kiss where you eat, and don’t swim after eating – lest you get a cramp. That’s why Kyle keeps Amanda on retainer a mere 45 minute uber ride away!

Later Lindsay sheepishly admits to Everett that she over-reacts because she has abandonment issues from not talking to her mom in 8 years. Well, that’s all really sad and all but do not try to ruin Kyle’s summer with your reality. Keep that nonsense in Manhattan where it belongs. She promises to work on her jealousy, and Everett monotones that he’ll overlook it. All is well until the next binge drinking session. Lindsay also shares that she needs therapy. No time like the present, and perhaps also get someone to counsel you on the amount of clavicle bone every single one of your tops shows. That girl never met a plunging neckline she didn’t like!

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All of Lindsay’s drama is quickly superseded by Jaclyn waltzing her fit model ass through the door. Jaclyn would like to clear up for all of us that “fit model” does not mean “fitness model” – it means she is a human mannequin designers use to assess how their garments will wear. It’s a demanding job. One which requires all of Jaclyn’s time. So much time she barely has time for relationships, but she does have time come up with every cheesy, annoying, desperate for male attention-seeking innuendo-laden sexual comment in the history of Will Farrell. Stop trying so hard! We don’t need to hear about all the balls you have in your face, your various holes, and the beef between your legs at dinner. Too much!

Predictably Kyle and Carl are intrigued because easy access is their type of women. Stephen McGee sniffs that Jaclyn is “cheap.” Jaclyn is proud to declare herself a “tease,” which she sneers is way better than being a “slut or a whore.” UGH.

Jaclyn arrives at the house

Within 6 minutes of being in the house, Lauren is feeling the anxiety over Jaclyn’s orbit around Carl. She confides to Ashley and Stephen that it’s making her feel uncomfortable. Ashley who already doesn’t trust Carl can’t stop herself from saying ‘I told you so!’ It will become a common theme where Carl is concerned.

Lauren pretends to not care about Jaclyn and Carl firing because she “knows who Carl will be making out with at the end of the night.” In response, Ashley gives her a disgusted look and rolls her eyes. Precisely, because being considered a consolation prize, is no consolation – just ask Amanda!

After Kyle tries and fails to hook-up with Jaclyn he booty-calls Amanda at 3 am and she Ubers right over. The next early afternoon, after sleeping off the booze, the group splits guys vs. girls for the day. They guys go deep sea fishing, while the girls do yoga.

None of the guys know much about fishing except for Stephen who grew up in ‘bama with a papa named Cletus and a catfish pond in his backyard. He may have brought a hot pink inner tube to the boat, but he’s the only one man enough to handle an eel and work a pole. Carl gains some newfound respect for Stephen’s secret manliness and Stephen starts to see Carl as the “very hot older brother type,” which is about to be bad for his relationship with the Wirkus twins.

deep sea fishing

The guys tease Carl about his pseudo-relationship with Lauren, and he admits to being a little weirded out by how overly involved Ashley is. He also doesn’t want Lauren cramping other potential hook-ups. Carl, previously the lone wolf, cannot be confined to the cage of a million-dollar beach house in the bed of a 6’foot blonde Amazon. While Carl vows to prepare for more away games, Stephen realizes he’s in the awkward position of being both one of the guys, and one of the girls, something Jaclyn also feels. It’s not a pleasant place to find oneself as we shall see.

Jaclyn complains about being forced to hang out with the girls in coochie-smelling yoga class. It’s not fair – she’s a guys-girl and women are just jealous and competitive because she’s soooooooooo hot and fun. Um, no. We’re not. We’re just annoyed by women who project their own insecurities and competitiveness onto other women, then blame women collectively for why they can’t maintain female friends. It’s very simple – don’t flirt with men you friends like, then your friends won’t feel competitively towards you. See, I cleared that up. If Lauren is your friend, and she likes Carl – back your fit body up!

Of course Lauren can’t help but feel threatened. She quickly makes distinctions between what she has to offer (boobs, curves, and a charming personality) vs. Jaclyn’s boobless little boy body. “If you can’t tone it, tan it!” preach the Wirkus twins. Indeed.

Back in the city Kyle has some business to attend to. First his free-baller shorts collection, then his free-balling with Amanda. After discussing it with Stephen he realizes he has to stop leading her on. After all he can’t have Amanda interfering with his goals to be the premier designer of shorts for men who don’t like underwear. Maybe Jaclyn can be his fit model?

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Kyle invites Amanda for a drink and then basically dumps her again. He promises, again, to stop calling her for hook-ups. She should stop answering though! Self-respect – get some! Amanda cries while Kyle gestures for the check. Now Kyle can filly devote his energies to mastering the home game hookup!

After a taxing 4-day work week in Manhattan, much of the group reassembles in Montauk for the weekend. Cristina Gibson is at the hose again, but thankfully Lindsay and Everett are not. She gets enough of their drama during the week, and welcomes the break. Next summer Kyle is probably gonna make people sign friendship contracts vowing that they won’t get in a relationship.

Carl lies about having a date

Also gone is Carl, who’s at a family friend’s wedding. Carl told Lauren he was bringing his mom as a date, he even sent her a photo of him and his mother at the wedding. Unfortunately in the week since fishing, Carl and Stephen have become buds, and makes the mistake of sending Stephen a photo of himself attending the wedding… WITH. A. DATE.

As the group is heading out to dinner, Stephen happens to open the photo Carl sent, right at the very moment Lauren is sitting behind him in the car. She sees over his shoulder that it’s Carl with a date, not his mom. “Dumb,” hisses Ashley. “I told you he was gross.” Ashley is clearly the smart twin. When Lauren tries to grab Stephen’s phone for a closer look, Stephen tosses it out the window. Lauren freaks out, but Stephen declares that he won’t betray Carl. Why is everyone so hard-up for Carl?!

Lauren snatches Stephen's phone

Lauren is in hysteria mode over Carl’s lies and betrayals, panicking about why he wasn’t honest, and how Stephen is now hiding things from her too! She is furious. Stephen complains that he’s also in the middle, but Lauren shrieks that “no one f–king cares” about his feelings. Ranting that she’s about to “BLOW!” over how to handle the situation.

“Don’t talk to me like that,” sulks Stephen. He tries to appeal to Ashley, but she announces that she’s staying out of it. Which is what Stephen wants the rest of the housemates to do as well. Unfortunately that’s hard to do with Lauren having a tantrum at the table, and everyone keeps asking what’s going on, while Stephen tries to shut them out of it. Lauren instead decides EVERYONE must know, but she demands no one speak to Carl – not even Stephen! – until she has a chance to discuss it with him the following weekend.

Lauren insists she’s not mad about Carl bringing a date, but that he was shady and duplicitous about it. I understand her point, and I also think Carl likes to lead women on, and she got overly wrapped up in what was essentially an easy hook-up for him. I mean, we’re talking about a man who attended Kyle Cooke‘s Seminal Seminar On Summer Goals, Featuring: Mastering The Subliminal Hook Up.

Stephen faces the wrath of the Wirkus Twins

Stephen is upset because he doesn’t want Carl to think he showed Lauren the photo on purpose and betrayed his loyalty. His appetite is ruined, and Cristina is disappointed that wherever she goes drama seems to be following. Well, honey, you did sign onto Bravo!

TELL US – DID LAUREN OVER-REACT OR IS CARL SLEAZY? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF JACLYN?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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