Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: Ups, Downs, And ‘Nups!

Well last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta certainly contained some baggage! And not all of it was Cargo By Cynthia Bailey. At least no one lost their bags in Maui (only their marbles).

After conquering LA with her Cargo collection, Cynthia is ready to take on Atlanta – America’s fashion mecca. Let’s be honest though, the real person Cynthia needs to impress is Sheree Whitfield. THE elegant and sophisticated fashion pioneer behind the infamous and influential She By Sheree. Big leagues!

Kairo has modeling dreams so as a favor to build his portfolio Cynthia asked him to walk in her show. Kairo dead-eye shuffles like he’s auditioning for The Walking Dead and is carrying his former human life in that mock-croc backpack. Sheree is the only one impressed, and she’s the only one unimpressed that Kairo’s only compensation is a measly bag. Even though most of the models aren’t even getting that.


Kairo models for Cargo

Didn’t She By Sheree show an ice sculpture and some photocopies at New York Fashion Week? If she thinks Kairo is sooo much better than Cargo, SHE should have better connections than Cynthia.

Kairo at least got Noelle’s phone number for his troubles. Now she can ‘tutor’ him in modeling. That boy has less game than a broken X-Box, but Noelle – she’s a smart girl who knows how to work a controller. Cynthia warns that this connection better be “strictly runway.”

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Speaking of keeping things professional, Porsha Williams decides to legally bind herself to Todd2 with a “Baby-Nup.” She drew a document to specify exactly what will happen if she gets herself knocked up without having Todd locked down. Porsha calls Phaedra Parks, aka Frack Esq. for advice on how to execute the so-called legal document (I’m pretty sure she copied and pasted it from Mad Libs), and Phaedra is like CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO UNMARRIED MEN! Everybody knows… Baby Daddies are soooooooo yesterday!

Phaedra knows – hot dog bun vaginas with no pickles are just so untasty. Especially when you can’t even see what you’re eating cause your big ol watermelon baby bump covers all the meat!

Basically this BabyNup is like an extension of Kanye West‘s Gold-digger anthem, and I’m pretty sure Mama Joyce wrote it, because it requests that Todd2 turn over all of his assets for the next 18 years, while allowing Porsha full rights to make any and all decisions. In exchange he can possibly have visitation. If he doesn’t sign, the only Porsha he’ll be getting is the one in a frumpy housecoat. Realizing that once she gets prego that’s the only Porsha he’ll see anyway, Todd wisely protects himself. “Confidence in us doesn’t come from a piece of paper,” he explains, before showing himself the door. Porsha is shocked. She has NO idea why Todd is seeing this as such a negative – all she’s trying to do is strengthen her bank account. For the baby.

Porsha gives Todd a Baby-Nup

I previously questioned Todd’s sense given that he’s dating Porsha, but now I believe him a man with a bit of gray matter behind that perfect smile. And Porsha… she really needs to stop counting Todd’s roll of coins before her baby-nup has hatched. Did I mention she is NOT pregnant; i.e. her bun is hotdog-less!

Well, one door closes and another one slams shut. Behind that door was the budding friendship between Phaedra and Kenya Moore. The divorce party was the Phuneral By Phaedra. Or the kiss goodbye on the penis. Or whatever.

Kenya’s cousin Che visits to hear all about how Phaedra’s true colors are smoke and marshmallows, and their truce in Flint disappeared the very second Phaedra no longer needed Kenya. In fact Kenya is tried of being blamed for everyone’s failures – this includes Matt’s. Yet she’s STILL not ready to officially, officially let him go. Instead she’s trying to ‘do a Cynthia’ by having a Friends With Benefits breakup, so she invites Matt to King’s (her dog) first birthday party. Matt is King’s father and all.

Sounds like Kenya needed a Puppy-Nup!

Phaedra opens up her divorce at Lake Bailey

Over at Lake Bailey, Phaedra is crossing Cynthia’s threshold for the first time in SIX years. She wore her thong bathing suit under her jeans just in case they went for a swim. Lord those outfits: it was like gypsies (Cynthia), Tramps (Phaedra) and Thieves (their hearts stolen by Peter and Apollo!).

So they discussed Phaedra’s surprise divorce sipping Kool-Aid from wine glasses, sitting on a surplus sofa Cynthia purchased from Kenya. Phaedra is concerned Matt may have left a tracking device inside the cushions, but I’d be more worried he’d left another type of something behind. Let’s just hope Cynthia has access to a good Stain Doctor!

Anyway, Phaedra is not happy Porsha has “mentioned” her divorce to the other ladies, but if she must talk, it might as well be Cynthia who is going through her own. Cynthia is ready to be washed clean from her years of Peachter and asks Phaedra to baptize her by sprinkling the holy, cleansing Lake Bailey waters on her crooked wig. Haven’t we had enough restoration?

Of course, it’s really Phaedra who needs to be healed. For all the Jesus she claims to have let into her heart, forgiveness and fix it’s she has not found where Kenya is concerned. It’s ridiculous! Cynthia still hopes that Kenya and Phaedra can have another – yes ANOTHER – chance at healing if they succumb to the Lake Bailey.

No. Just no. Cynthia, Real Housewives Of Atlanta producers – that ship has sailed; it is lost at sea twirling and twirling and twirling because there are no lifesavers that can accommodate a stallion or a donkey booty. At least Cynthia’s proposed baptism got Phaedra to agree that Kenya meant no malice or mockery with her divorce party – it was just a good old time eating cut up penises!

Kandi Burruss goes to dinner at Aunt Bertha‘s so she can give them the good news that the OLG Restaurant is finally almost ready,  and the bad news that Maui was a straight-up mess. Aunt Nora offers to “eat these hoes alive” for Kandi. Maybe they can add Canabalizd Housewives to the OLG menu?

Mama Joyce is already salivating as she pries for information about Phaedra’s divorce. Kandi reveals that Apollo hasn’t mentioned anything about it… WHY IS SHE STILL TALKING TO HIM?! Then Todd arrives – late – and all talk ceases for fried chicken. Even Ace, aged 9 months, get his own chicken wing. Kandi is raising him with the right priorities!

Betrayal goes two ways: Kandi speaks to Apollo, but Phaedra helps Kandi’s former assistant Johnny procure an employment attorney to possibly sue Kandi and Todd. Johnny accuses them of stealing the OLG Restaurant idea and the play A Mother’s Love.

Phaedra & Johnny

Phaedra is overjoyed by the “battle royale” of tea Johnny has provided and literally takes a big ol gulp. Oscar, the real other attorney, is much more measured and only agrees that Johnny “possibly” has a case. He didn’t get any contracts in writing that verifies he shared his ideas with Kandi first. This is like Kim Z vs Kandi in Tardy For The Party – except this time Kandi is the Kim Z, and Johnny is the Kandi. Woaaaah, Oooooah (sung like the DBT song!)

Finally the Cargo fashion show is here! But where is Kairo? He is very late and misses call time, since his manager is Sheree, who is on her own time on her own planet orbiting her own ego. I thought Cynthia conducted herself very professionally and seemed extremely prepared for the show. Even if it did take place in the sewer where could Sheree’s BS could be heard swirling all around.

Sheree at Cargo by Cynthia Bailey

Sheree has no patience for Cal, Cynthia’s partner, attempting to check her on momager duties. Whatever happened to customer service, Sheree?!

All is forgiven and forgotten when Kairo walks down the runway which causes Kenya to momentarily get the vapors. She’s lucky the tiger mom that is Sheree didn’t catch her tongue. Yikes.

I guess Kenya is lonely since the only man she’s getting is illicit sex in the back of Matt’s truck. Kenya invited Matt to King’s momentous first birthday party, held at a dog boutique called Bark Fifth Avenue, to end on a good note. But, like many divorced parents, they cannot get along for the sake of the child. Poor King is gonna need Dr. Jeff!

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Matt and Kenya end up yelling at each other in the back stairwell. Matt sulks, pouts, and tries his hardest to emotionally manipulate the manipulator. But Kenya has lots of years of practice on this neophyte. Two crazies don’t make a sane, but Matt is an emotionally unstable, a-hole who needs serious anger management.

Kenya and Matt

Matt blames Kenya for stringing him along and lying, and she graciously acknowledges emasculating him and rushing things without giving him time to grow up to her level. But Kenya wasn’t single and alone before Matt (nope – she was reality TV fake-dating to great success), and she won’t be single and alone after (so long as she has Matt, in the truck, with the booty call)!


While Kenya officially, officially – this time! – ends things, poor Matt (sarcasm) hunches over sulking until she walks away. Well, King turned one and Krayonce finally turned into a grown-up. Motherhood really makes a gal mature! Though I don’t advise Porsha trying this in order to grow up.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]