Last night was the season finale of a very, well, bizarre season of Real Housewives Of Atlanta. Thankfully we didn’t relive Lesbian-Gate – we’re saving that for the reunion – but we did witness the official end of Phaedra Parks and Kandi Burruss‘ friendship. Something else happened… Something big, I think… Oh what was it? Hmmmm… OH! Chateau Sheree. Yep, it’s up and running. Almost.
We barely saw Cynthia Bailey and Porsha Williams – they were mere extras to the drama. That’s the way the cookie crumbles, I guess! Speaking of cookies – you cannot bake them in Sheree Whitfield‘s kitchen.
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Chateau Sheree is ready to make its debut like no other McMansion in all of Georgia with a Masquerade Ball. Which is perfect considering that building this house, and Sheree’s life, is a lot of smoke and mirrors, and that the Chateau’s walls, like its proprietress, have plenty of secrets underneath that mask of perfection! It’s magical realism here – the magic is in suspending your disbelief. Sheree is probably also hoping the masks will prevent guests from seeing properly – especially considering that, at this juncture, several Sheree’s baseboards and trim pieces are piled up in the corner! She can call it a sculpture.
Despite the unfinished portions, Sheree is determined to make magic happen at this housewarming. She wants
nightmares fantasies to come true! And people dangling from chandeliers! “Because nothing about Sheree is below average.” First of all it sounds like Sheree is hopping a ride at Disney World. Second of all I keep remembering that party Sheree threw in Season 1 where NeNe Leakes was left off the guest list. I don’t see how any Sheree party could top that – unless she leaves Kenya Moore off the guest list, because just imagine the ensuing tantrum and hysteria.
Unfortunately one day before the party this wonderful person is throwing for a home they do not live in, Sheree’s appliances up and disappeared. Sheree goes to SheHulk in the blink of an eye. And all those pieces of crown molding are still sitting in a corner – maybe they’re being punished for not being magical enough? But seriously – get the lady a stove! Witches need heat for their cauldrons. I kid… the witch lives down the hill.
Anyway, knowing that
Kenya the women will judge the Chateau harshly and nitpick every unfinished crevice, Sheree decides to disguise the missing appliances with wood pieces. And also hire security for “nosy bitches.”
In other developments, ones that are really kind of sad, Kandi and Riley are meet Block for dinner. Kandi brings Riley to her favorite restaurant for this meeting, because in Kandi-Land food fixes everything. Block always sounds like he’s talking with his mouth full and Bravo gave him subtitles. I want to know what is in Block’s mouth? Maybe he was choking on his own BS. He refers to Kandi, sitting-in on this dinner with the child he hasn’t seen in 3-years, as “The Translator.” Yet, even she has no idea what he’s talking about.
Nobody needs to speak Block’s language to understand that he expects Riley (and Kandi) to forget how he hasn’t been around. He actually blames Kandi for “Brainwashing” Riley against him. Kandi and Block start arguing, but Riley interrupts to call him out and remind him that he didn’t even sign her birth certificate. Riley was very composed and mature – I was really impressed; meanwhile Block is Mama Joyce crazy. Since Riley has high tolerance for that sort of mess, and the man is her dad, Riley agrees to give him another chance. Let’s hope that in the next three years he borrows Sheree’s long-forgotten Speak & Spell.
Anyhoodle, Phaedra is just hard at work. Doing what it is attorneys do; defending and upholding the law to the purest of her capabilities, and as an attorney she will not turn her back on those in need of help. Especially those who are in need of help suing Kandi!
Once again, Phaedra meets the long-suffering Johnnie at the employment attorney’s office, and they have decided to take part of his case. The claim that Kandi “stole” the OLG restaurant idea from him is baseless, but Johnnie working thousands of hours in unpaid over-time is worth a claim. It seems like they’re going to be relying on footage from RHOA and Kandi’s Wedding spinoff to substantiate his claims, because the attorneys – who seem very legit (I looked them up) ask who employed him while Bravo was filming the wedding. Phaedra did some quick calculations and determined that while planning Kandi’s ‘Coming To America’ themed wedding – of which ironically she was in – Johnnie was making about $2.30 an hour. I wonder how much overtime Phaedra got paid for playing a bridesmaid?
OK, but seriously – I don’t know anything about this case beyond what I’ve seen on TV, but if Johnnie really was being underpaid by so much, he deserves to pursue a case. However, Phaedra shouldn’t be involved. That just smacks, not of a desire to uphold the law, but of a desire to uphold the law of pettiness against an ex-friend.
Kandi denies that Johnnie‘s claim has any merit, and Todd compares her to Tyler Perry, because once you reach “mogul” status little people are always trying to sue you. Kandi has an attorney on retainer to deal with such silly matters and is unconcerned. We shall see!
Finally, it is time for Chateau Sheree! Just in case all of Atlanta couldn’t find it, Sheree has “Chateau Sheree” projected onto the side of the house with light. There are aerial artists, ever-morphing faces, and Sheree wearing a figure skating costume. Or was it the Queen Of Hearts from Alice In Wonderland?
Coming to Chateau Sheree, for Real Housewives Of Atlanta, is akin to coming to reaching the Mecca. And Chateau Sheree is a mythical place, rising from the ashes of Sheree’s life with Bob. It does deserve its own carefully crafted theme-party, and a personal babysitter. Yes, Sheree employed one of her friends to personally oversee the movements of people within the compound, and report back any and all infractions or criticisms. Basically she was security for Krayonce; a personally appointed tattle-tale. Which it turned out was a good idea.
Phaedra attends the party with Dwight. Oh how I have missed Dwight. He is wearing a tuxedo jacket of his own creation. Is his line “You By Eubanks”? Or perhaps Eww by Eubanks? I’m pretty sure the print on said jacket featured the uncompleted skeleton of Chateau Sheree and the highway running outside its door.
Most of the ladies are thrilled and ecstatic for Sheree. I wish I could say the women were in such good spirits they found no time for gossip, but alas they are ARE Housewives. And in a house, of any magnitude, Housewives must create conflicts, stir the pot, and be messy. So Cynthia tells Porsha all about how Apollo’s girlfriend appearing at the OLG opening; and later Cynthia asks Kandi how she feels about Phaedra assisting Johnnie.
When Phaedra learns about Sherien, her veneer cracks right in half and all her Jesus goes right out the unfinished kitchen of the Chateau. She denounces Kandi and Todd as “wicked” and intentionally trying to hurt her. Phaedra is so filled with rage she could “knock a bitch’s head off.” Well, I never! Everybody knows … a Southern Belle should never resort to violence because her nails might break. Plus, it is Sheree who is wearing the Queen Of Hearts costume, and since it’s her home, she has the authority to decide who loses their head. But Kim Zolciak is on the security committee and also has a say.
Ah yes, Kim. Well, well… Both she and Kenya were completely extra, but at least Kim was supportive of Sheree. Kim arrived, dragging Kroy behind her, and walked right past Kandi, completely ignoring her.
While Kim is taking the tour with Sheree, Kenya arrives, only to snipe on Sheree’s house and search for an imperfections. I swear, she had a secret camera with her to ‘document’ any and all small flaws like a Housing Inspector. Kenya did need that personalized babysitter, because she behaved like a complete child. Supposedly she made peace with Sheree, and had found a new appreciation for their shared experiences in abusive relationships, yet now she’s at her housewarming with a garbage bag looking for trash to dig up? Kenya – go home and sort out why Moore Manor‘s windows are made of crackle glass.
With Sheree distracted, Kenya decides to take her own tour of the house pretending to look for the bathroom. Instead she convinces Kandi to sneak down to the basement… and GASP – it is UNFINISHED! The horror! Kenya cackles with glee that at the boards piled up. Good thing she didn’t try to get a water out of the fridge! When they are caught – by the appointed Kenya-sitter – Sheree loses it and threatens to put people out of the Chateau.
RELATED – Kenya Says Kim Has An Issue With Her!
As Kenya is careening around the master bedroom accusing Sheree of copying her light fixtures and declaring that Moore Manor has bigger closets, Kandi and Kim make peace. They decide there’s no point in being awkward after 5 years have passed. And in that time Kim has spawned an army. They are interrupted by “Kendra” complaining about the Chateau until Kim asks what we’re all thinking, “Why are you just being such an asshole?”
Kenya refuses to get an etiquette lesson from “Octomom” and her “duck lips,” but the sad thing is: she needed it! Kim IS an expert on parenting at this point (eye roll). Kim announces that since Kenya is so interested in exploring the Chateau, she should find the door and leave.
Obviously Kim and Kenya have to get into a rumble. Even with Sheree yelling “NOT ON THE CARPET they’re from Rent-a-Center!” (joking). Kim (who nearly flashed her Kroy-tter earlier) snarks that Kenya needs to worry less about what’s in Sheree’s bathroom, and more about her slit being so high her Krayonce is about to “fall out.” Kenya decides we should all be so lucky, but Kim, in case you’ve forgotten, has a man. (Is that what we’re calling Kroy these days? Cause I thought he was a robot?)
Of course Kenya has to take it to levels of unfinished basements by saying Kim looks like she’s had 5 kids , and sneering that they’re from three different men, then laughing that Kroy is unemployed. Kim is probably right that Kenya wishes she had Kim’s life. Too bad she has only Moore Manor and Matt-Attack. Kim just keeps pursing those “duck lips” and telling Kenya that her Sheree’s refrigerator is running away, so Kenya better go catch it. Check her recycling, bitch!
Finally Porsha breaks things up by barging into the circle to hug Kim and act as a human anger management shield.
This is why I just can’t with Kenya – she comes to someone’s party – someone she’s supposedly ‘good’ with, insults their house, and then laughs at Kim’s body when called out. So mean! Kenya needs anger management – maybe Porsha knows a guy? Finally Sheree tells them both to stop, and makes a speech about what an amazing accomplishment Chateau Sheree is.
The finale ends with Kandi and Phaedra having yet another disastrous meeting. Kandi apologizes about Sherien showing up at the OLG and insists she had no idea. Phaedra accepts the apology she feels she deserves, then refuses to answer Kandi’s questions about what’s going on with Johnnie. Phaedra claims she is bound by attorney privileges to not reveal details of the case – yet it’s OK for it to be revealed on TV?! Something in that buttermilk ain’t clean!
In the updates, we learn that Kandi co-wrote “Shape Of You,” and that the OLG Restaurant is finally opened a year behind schedule. They serve a cocktail called The Sherien, and she makes regular appearances for her fans and to run a prison wives support group. (I made that part up, obviously).
Porsha launched a detox cleanse called “The Dump” – it’s named after Todd2. Kenya is doing a domestic violence PSA. And Cynthia has not convinced Peter to be her BFF, but she is dating other people.
As for the Chateau, the wonderful person who built a home with no certificate of occupancy, is living there – despite what the authorities claim. So is Sheree squatting in her own home?
TELL US – THOUGHTS ON CHATEAU SHEREE? WAS KENYA BEING MESSY, OR DID SHEREE DESERVE HER CRITICISM? WERE YOU GLAD TO SEE KIM? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF KANDI AND PHAEDRA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]