Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Kiss And Tell


We rejoin Below Deck Mediterranean and the crew of the Sirocco in the midst of an anchor crisis. It’s been nine hours and they are still toiling away at trying to untangle their hopelessly twisted anchor. But Wesley Wiz Walton isn’t going to give up and poof! he manages to save the day (and the charter season) by setting the anchor free! Captain Sandy Yawn is thrilled and she’s not the only one. This is just one big turn on for the most eligible bachelorette on the Mediterranean: Deckhand Malia White.

Problem solving skills are sexy and Malia can’t help but swoon over Wiz coming to the boat’s rescue. That’s bad news for resident goon Bobby Giancola, who lost major points given his lack of simple math and not being able to stay calm under pressure. Of course he doesn’t know he didn’t really have a chance with Malia to begin with but that goes back to those math skills – if one sexy deckhand has two good looking crew members chasing after her and one giant ball of steroids that drunkenly yells at other women for c*ck blocking him, how many possible suitors does the sexy deckhand have left? Bobby is decidedly out of the equation.


Below Deck Mediterranean recap

So that leaves Wiz and Chef Adam Glick vying for the attentions of Malia. Sweet little Max Hagley and is the only one who isn’t after her and with good reason, he has a gorgeous girlfriend at home waiting for him. Well, not exactly at home – she’s go go dancing in Dubai but close enough.

Now that the anchor is fixed and the crew has a night off before the next charter guests arrive, they head out drinking. You can cut the sexual tension with a knife. Despite Wiz having a hard and fast rule about not dating a fellow crew member, he can’t help himself and shamelessly flirts with Malia by making fart noises with his hands. Adam watches helplessly, wondering what kind of bodily function noises will put him ahead in the race for Malia’s heart. He turns to Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier, telling her has fallen in love after seeing Malia dive off the boat earlier and Hannah looks pretty bored with the whole thing. Me too, girl. What on earth is in the Croatian water that these guys can’t stop getting all dry humpy over Malia?


Everyone drunkenly heads back to the boat and Malia sits in the middle of a literal love triangle with Wiz and Adam, while Lauren Cohen is at it again with her constant need for approval. This time, she wants former fling Bobby to forgive her for….ummm…what exactly? She doesn’t even know but she asks for a hug and then sloppily kisses him on the cheek one too many times. Poor Bobby, the one girl he doesn’t want is the only one willing to give him the time of day. I have a little barf in my mouth even typing this but do you guys think Lauren isn’t over their little hook up yet? IDK but it sure seems like she spends a lot of time worrying about Bobby.

The next day, we learn about the new charter guests and Adam is thrilled to discover they have no food allergies or dietary restrictions. This is music to his blue balls, I mean, ears, and he is excited about the culinary possibilities. He is ready to do some food shopping on land and Hannah suggests Christine “Bugsy” Drake join him in the fun. The two end up bonding after Adam decides his initial treatment of Bugsy was misplaced and he likes her. He really was a jerk to her in the beginning so I’m not sure why she even wanted to spend more time with him but clearly it all worked out for the best. Not so much for Hannah, who is quickly losing favor with Adam.


The guests arrive and immediately start drinking while the crew drops anchor and gets out the water toys. Everyone in the giant banana and two of the guests look like they are having a blast being dragged around on the thing until it tips over at high speed. Bobby has to dive into the water and pull the female guest to the side of the boat. She was wearing a life vest but she got the wind knocked out of her and was rattled, so Bobby went into “full firefighter mode,” asking her what year it is and where she is as a head injury check. Well, thank god she had a trained fire fighter in the WATER to help her figure out what year it is. Oh, and she didn’t even have to be naked for him to asses her injuries!

Since the weather is starting to turn and the wind is picking up, it’s time to get the inflatable banana back on board and head to land so the guests can enjoy a bit of Croatia. They enjoy themselves alright, so much so that they invite ten other people back to the boat with them, all while Hannah and Bugsy are on break. This leaves a deer-caught-in-headlights Lauren to scamper around trying to get all the drinks made. She says it’s her time to shine, but she can barely handle laundry duty so maybe she should worry less about shining and more about not burning out in the atmosphere. Sure enough, she can’t keep up and a guest wanders downstairs to ask Adam for a beer. He’s annoyed and goes to wake up Hannah and Bugsy to ask for the help that Lauren claims she doesn’t need. Break or no break, I don’t think Hannah or Bugsy would have minded jumping into action to help accommodate so many extra guests but Lauren is so hell bent on making a good impression that all good sense flies out the window.

Below Deck Mediterranean recap

Since it’s a Croatian themed dinner tonight, Hannah passes out cute little invites to the guests and requests they wear togas, which the chief charter guests grumpily refuses. He’s also not happy Hannah asked him to stay out of the main dining room (presumably to keep the surprise of the dinner set up) and takes it out on her later at dinner. The other guests awkwardly try to diffuse the situation and I guess he realizes he went too far and tries to cover up his brow beating by saying he’s teasing her like a little sister.

While Hannah gets her feet held to the flames over whether or not she mixed $700 wine bottles into the same carafe (she didn’t), Lauren is crying behind the scenes AGAIN. She’s telling Bugsy her sad little tale about how much her ironing arm hurts and when she does finally snap out of it to help her fellow crew, she isn’t much help at all. It’s time for dessert and dinner may be over but the awkwardness isn’t because as Hannah and Bugsy continue to serve the guests, the head guest is arguing with another guest about how much to tip them. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he seems to be cheaping out and he storms off after his friend points this out. Sounds like someone needs to get the toga out of his ass! Sigh, #richpeopleproblems.

It’s the final day of the charter and they head into port with Bobby screwing up again but Wiz taking the blame when Captain Sandy comes to reprimand them for getting one of the lines in the water. The guests depart and even start to cry as they thank the crew for making the trip so special. In the end, they did leave a $12K tip (no thanks to that one guy!) and I guess that’s fair considering one of the guests had her life saved from bouncing off a banana.


As the interior crew cleans up, Bugsy tries to counsel Lauren through her meltdown on how overwhelming it is to constantly wash Wiz’s shorts. Really. Is this Lauren’s first job? I need to know because so far, she hasn’t done much and what she has done consists of my daily housekeeping at home so I’m not sure what is so hard about her job.

Hannah catches wind of this heart to heart and is annoyed she wasn’t included as the Chief Stew. Bugsy is also annoyed because she thought she was in charge of managing how annoying Lauren is. Either way, Lauren continues to whine about how she can’t ask for help and how she hasn’t gotten a gold star for all the hard work she has done. OMG Lauren you just got a $1,100 tip for making one drink and ironing some damn napkins?! If that’s the going rate for those tasks, I would be a millionaire by now. Not that I iron my napkins but you get the idea.

Moving on, it’s time for the crew to head out for another night of drinking and fighting for Malia‘s attention. Adam Is trying really hard to make up for lost time with Malia and nips at her heels like a puppy. They all have dinner and hit the Croatian club or rather, disco, where Malia confides in Bugsy about how hard it is to make a choice between Adam and Wiz. Waaaaaah just pick one or both and make it happen already. All this build up is getting old.


Adam takes a drunken opportunity to tell Bugsy how much more he likes her than Hannah, all with Hannah standing close by. Bugsy is uncomfortable but luckily, he changes the conversation to asking whether or not he has a chance with Malia, hoping that Bugsy will indulge his ego. But he’s too late – while he was busy asking Bugsy what his chances are, Wiz was breaking protocol and eating Malia’s face on the dance floor. Malia claims she is caught off guard and wasn’t expecting the kiss at all but given their dancing, hand holding, and constant flirting, I have a hard time believing that.

When they all head back to the boat, Adam corners Malia and she immediately tells him she made out with Wiz. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy did she tell him this? Either way, Adam says he doesn’t care and goes in for a forceful kiss of his own. So I guess Malia didn’t have to choose after all!


Photo Credit: Bravo