I am shedding a single Lisa Rinna blue bunny tear over this season of The Real Housewives Of New York coming to an end. Thank god we have Luann de Lesseps‘ one-on-one special with Andy Cohen coming up next week to extend our stay in crazytown just a while longer! Until then, let’s relive last night’s final installment of the 3-part reunion, in which Sonja Morgan and Tinsley Mortimer decide whether Tinsley needs a life coach, Bethenny Frankel and Ramona Singer face off for round 742 of “I AM HAPPY! I AM KIND!” and Dorinda Medley tries to recall all of the things she did while in a blackout this year.
The night starts out with lots of sex. Well, at least talking about it – which these ladies love to do. Tape rolls on the innuendos, accusations, and droll dinner conversation that uncovered more than we want to know about everyone’s sexcapades. Andy wonders if this is the most oversexed or undersexed group he’s ever seen? While some regret their words, like Tinsley, who admitted she went too far in discussing her sex life with ex-husband, Topper, Sonja doesn’t regret a thing. But does Sonja like the back door more than the front door? She opens any door! As long as it’s not Tinsley’s hat delivery guy on the other side of it.
Ramona also stands by her belief that oral sex is not actual sex, freely admitting that she lets a guy “take care of” her (but never reciprocates!) before waving him off for the night. This is surprising news to no one.
Moving on to Ramona’s initial ruffling of Bethenny’s feathers, we revisit what happened in the Hamptons that involved an innocent <side eye> question about porn. Bethenny thinks Ramona was coming at her by feigning concern about her child seeing bad press, but Ramona swears up, down, sideways – and even on Avery! – that she was authentically concerned. Mmm hmm. Okay, Ramona. Instead of brushing it off and moving on, this became the moment that launched a thousand fights – the largest one occurring at Dorinda’s Berkshires home, where all madness comes to roost.
So, did the naked hug across pool noodles solve everything? Nope. Nein. Nyet! Even though Ramona still can’t quite cop to her true intentions, she does admit her delivery is almost always botched. But Bethenny is all kinds of fired up and unwilling to budge an inch. Ramona is also lost in her own delusions, claiming “I come from a place of kindness!” while frantically scrolling through text messages that will back up her argument. (Cut to Luann laughing her bejeweled neckline off right now, which reflects exactly what I am doing – minus the jewels.)
Bethenny is not just taking issue with Ramona now, though – she’s still pissed about the Brooklyn bridge, the stolen dresses, the dissing of her business, and years of pent up frustrations. Ramona says she is genuinely happy for Bethenny and wants only the best for her. Then why did she come so hard for her? After witnessing Ramona’s attack on Bethenny in the Berkshires, Luann (who lived through her own Berkshires attack! #SoleSurvivor) thinks it takes more than a simple apology to get past something like that. Dorinda agrees, wondering if Ramona even realized how brutal she was? Ramona just blames rage and booze, but refuses to acknowledge pills
that she is obviously on at ALL times.
In the end, Ramona thinks she’s a better friend to Bethenny than Bethenny is to her, which is correct. But this also fueled her bitterness this season, which she’s loathe to admit. Meanwhile, Bethenny is focusing on the behavior, but not the origin of it all: their unbalanced relationship. In any case, this sh*t has got to end somehow! So they finally put it to bed, claiming they can coexist. But that’s as deep as it goes. And they’re not clawing each other’s eyes out on stage right now, so even the group sees this as progress.
Now, we must take a stroll through the dusty halls of Sonja’s “home for wayward It Girls,” in which Tinsley
was held prisoner boarded for many months. Although Sonja still thinks Tinsley was raised better than the ungrateful wench she hosted, she still thinks Tinsley is, well, an ungrateful wench. But she didn’t plant the Page Six story! Because Bravo did it for fake drama. And she does love Tinsley like a sister, who simply needed a mentor. And Sonja is the mentor everyone needs, people. Her toaster oven wisdom runs deep. Plus, she knows how to make lists! She does not, however, know how to wash underwear or clean water lines or fix the heat.
Despite how hard Sonja was on her (which Sonja even admits), Tinsley insists she’s grateful. And the party she threw for Sonja was genuinely meant as a gesture of good will. Basically, Sonja wanted to stop Tinsley from turning into…Sonja. And maybe in her own mangled way, she succeeded. Because Tinsley is now practically ready to marry an age-appropriate rich guy who definitely does not have a fake French accent.
As a fitting last stop on the reunion tour, we’re brought back to Mexico, which is possibly ties with Scary Island as the best Housewives trip ever – but for pure comedic reasons. Ramona’s hostage situation garb and peeling face, the cracked-out room grabbing, Luann falling twice and rebounding like a champion, Sonja making out with anything that breathes, Dorinda stabbing herself…Well. It was a LOT. But never too much!
Bethenny was self conscious about making the trip “Skinnygirl” overkill (has she been reading the blogs?!?!?!), but admits that it was the most fun she ‘s had in years. Everyone agrees, even Tinsley, who’d been in booze-swilling training in Palm Beach (not to be confused with West Palm) for four whole years just for this very trip.
Caught up in the light moment, even Ramona cops to the fact that she and Sonja looked like “stupid old b*tches” with their disgusting room snatching behavior. Sonja, however, has no regrets about trying to make out with Luann, Carole Radziwill, and Bethenny after a
thousand few too many tequilas.
Dorinda also has no regrets about stabbing herself – because she has no memory of it! But she does feel badly about her dustup with Bethenny over being late to dinner, which turned into a drunken psychoanalysis out by the pool. Though she barely remembers being in Mexico that night, let alone what she actually said to Bethenny, Dorinda thinks it’s water under the bridge now. Bethenny seems to agree…but something tells me she won’t forget that conversation should she go head to head with gangsta Do again.
In an homage to their last night in Mexico, the ladies offer their “rose and thorn” for this season. Luann giggles that her rose was getting married, and her thorn was
staying married for only seven months falling in the literal thornbush – and everyone talking trash about Tom. Yikes. Dorinda’s rose was Hannah moving out on her own, and her thorn was arguing with Bethenny in Mexico. Tinsley’s roses are moving back to New York and finding Scott, and her thorn was fighting with Sonja. Sonja’s rose is being friends with Dorinda again, and her thorn was being too hard on Tinsley. Carole likes to keep her flower metaphors political, saying that her rose was going to DC with Dorinda for the Women’s March, while her thorn was election night.
And finally, Bethenny and Ramona offer up their roses and thorns – which could easily describe their dysfunctional relationship of ten years. Ramona admits her thorn was her behavior, largely directed toward Bethenny (but also toward the occasional Mexican villa employee), and her rose was that naked hug. What two pool noodles have joined in holy drunkenness, let no man tear asunder! Bethenny’s rose is feeling “lighter and freer” this year, while her thorn was the personal drama going on with her ex. Wait – Ramona didn’t even make Bethenny’s thorn list? Dang. That was cold.
And with a shot of tequila and a toast to the A-team, RHONY season 9 is finished. Were you not entertained? I sure was.
TELL US: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF EVERYONE’S ROSES AND THORNS? ARE THE LADIES (MOSTLY) IN A GOOD PLACE NOW? WHAT ARE YOUR ROSES AND THORNS OF SEASON 9?
Photo Credit: Bravo