Last night’s Below Deck charter was annoying “AF,” which is how lead charter guest Sarah liked to tag every last thing! I don’t know if she just learned to spell and wanted to prove that she can, or possibly that she thinks English is a dead language replaced by Hashtag Speak, but she was correct in labeling their group “H.M.E”: Hot Mess Express. More like Hot Mess Distress.
The happy couple was only happy if there was booze to be consumed, and her much-older fiance was essentially silent as she careened around the yacht complaining, tantrum-ing, and shrieking like Vicki Gunvalson. Shockingly the one thing aboard Valor that consistently impressed this charter group was Jen Howell. How’s that for a reversal of the status quo!?
While the last charter was sober AF, these guests turned Valor into a party barge from MTV Spring Break. Every single thing was booze, booze, booze, and when they weren’t guzzling their liquor, they were sexually harassing Jen! Seriously.
Moments after getting on board, Sarah is complaining about every last thing while demanding non-stop drinks and music so they can Dance! Dance! Dance! She wants her luggage unpacked with all her barely-legal swimsuits displayed (and probably also ironed and then placed on her prodigious rack). Thankfully, Jen rules at the unpacking game – including propping up a giant, geriatric teddy bear in one of the guest’s rooms. Kate is impressed that she’s finally found something Jen can manage – arranging stuffed animals! I suppose being a mom and acting like a child has given Jen a lot of practice in that realm.
The guests requested a light lunch almost immediately which had a (finally) clear-headed Matt Burns scrambling to make steak salad. In between skinny margaritas and any other alcohol she can get her hands on, Sarah gobbles it up, then complains that it’s the only the food they get. Her father-fiance whispers in her ear that she needs to settle down or take a time out in the corner.
These guests are so ravenous for alcohol that Kate was literally chasing them around the yacht trying to stop them from breaking into the wine fridge themselves. Is the plan is to drink Valor dry?
While Jen is managing bears, Brianna Adekeye is on drink patrol, and poor Bruno Duarte is forced to assist “interior” soothe these snooty guests. Sarah wants music NOW in da club, but Kate is playing wine tag, so it falls on him to save the day by finding the stereo. Apparently this is quite a Herculean effort which requires taking many breaks to gawk at Sarah in her bikini. Bruno complains to Nico Scholly that interior sucks and he shouldn’t have to do their jobs. Nico has no room to talk about anyone sucking – and also, hey DUDE! That’s your girlfriend Bruno is talking about. Rude AF.
After swimming and shrieking, the guests enjoy many more drinks with their dinner, then a PJ party. In preparation for the evening’s event, Jen irons flannel pants per their’ request but when she shows the lascivious wife her options, the woman leers that her husband finds Jen attractive, then closes the cabin door, trapping Jen inside, and takes off her clothes and shoves her “titties” in Jen’s face! “I’m just giving you want want,” she slurs, as Jen says no and escapes as soon as possible. Jen is shocked by aging memories – she assumed everyone over the age of 35 had implants, I suppose!
Back upstairs Jen tells Kate she’s not going down there alone anymore. Instead of being supportive, Kate shrugs it off, because this comes with the yachting territory – which Jen would know if she were a real yachtie. Nice Kate. Great job supporting women’s rights. And what a prescient episode in the wake of the Harvey Weinstein revelations. Jen was quite literally Harvey Weinstein’d. (No joke).
The guests said PJ party, but what they meant, according to Kate, was a lingerie party. And sure enough no flannel pajamas were worn. Baker Manning and EJ Jansen got their consensual flirt on as they erected (see what I did there!) a tent under the stars on the roof of Valor, complete with pillows, blankets, and billowing canopies. It was romantic AF! Of course the guests arrived in next to nothing – including one wife wearing a shortie robe with no panties. The only thing they cared about was the caliber of booze being served. Cucumber gimlets! The best Scotch. Now! Now! Now! Do these people not have access to alcohol where they come from? Or are they afraid without booze they’ll realize how unhappy they all are and that they have nothing to say to each other?
Shockingly, after all the liquor, lead guest Sarah is up bright and early to exercise – girl has to earn her keep!
The next day, the plan is a beach picnic. This no normal beach picnic though, oh no! The theme is Guys in Bow Ties; Girls in Pearls. Kate is overjoyed.
Nico volunteers to lead the beach set-up. He wants to prove to Captain Lee Rosbach that EJ is unnecessary, and should be fired because he is the real bosun! Famous last words, right? Also leaping in to prove himself is Bruno. Does he want to transition from deck hand to “interior” since they need so much saving? Trying to suck up to Kate, he suggests packing a portable bar. Kate reminds him it’s not even 10 am so perhaps they could engage the guests in water sports or sunbathing – NOT boozing. Unfortunately by the time they get on the beach it will be well-past lunchtime!
Thankfully Bruno prevails and an enormous cooler full of liquor is carted onto the tender and requires two strong (re: alive) men to lift it to shore. Somewhere aboard Valor, Sarah was probably watching with her binoculars trained on its every move, salivating, and holding her breath for fear that some of the glass bottles would jostle and break wasting this precious liquid courage of the Gods. I mean, girl has to pay the hefty price to the piper to live a life this luxurious!
Poor Matt was thinking tacos for lunch until Kate steers him straight. How about bowtie pasta with fresh peas – to fit this very high-brow theme?! If only everyone listened to her so effortlessly!
That’s where the simplicity ends. On the beach, Nico is a clusterf–k and over-complicates every detail, like setting up a tent on the super windy day when there’s a perfectly nice cabana behind it. After he spends forever setting up said tent, he doesn’t bother to secure it so it blows away and is ruined. Lee watches, disgustedly, from the boat as lunch is delayed later and later, frustrating the guests. The guest who wants to be in Jen’s pants complains that she’s “lost all sun time” waiting for transport to the beach.
When they finally arrive on shore, it’s water they want, not alcohol, but Jen is fussing over a fancy fused fruit water as they die of dehydration. Maybe that was her plan in order for them to leave her alone? Of course Jen was wearing such a stunning and giant bow on her head the wife couldn’t resist mentioning that her husband loves it. The same husband who referred to the bathroom as “the little boy’s room.” These people are creepy AF.
After about an hour on the beach, the guests are already eager to get back on board with easier access to booze. And Jen, apparently.
Over dinner, the wife straight-up grabs Jen’s ass after telling her how pretty she is. When Jen relays this to Kate, Kate is again apathetic. Instead of giving Jen some tips on how to handle handsy guests, or even pulling her from service since she is being SEXUALLY HARRASSED, Kate is like, well it comes with the job and we’ve all dealt with it.
Just when Jen thought she had escaped the hands of Mrs. Grabby, she comes right into the kitchen to invade her space. Ostensibly her reason was to remind Jen that she wants “ice cold water” in her room for turn down, which seemed like a ploy to get Jen into her room at bedtime and then possibly suggest a little trip on a train going downtown.
Witnessing the interaction, Kate lectures Jen for “sending mixed signals” with the wife by touching her waist and being too friendly. Yes, Jen did touch the woman, but only because she was stumbling into the kitchen and practically rubbing her crotch onto Jen. Jen explains that she didn’t want her to fall down.
At least Kate did Jen a solid by coming with her to bring the water so she wouldn’t be alone in the people’s room when they arrived. The couple came downstairs just as Jen and Kate made their escape to hide. I think Kate should’ve told Lee about all this. Just me?
Despite all the hassle, the guests weren’t that thrilled with the charter and their tip reflected it. An unimpressed Captain Lee complains that service continues to be “mediocre” and he is most annoyed with Nico.
Nico can’t be bothered, though, because his brother is coming to visit and lucky Brianna gets to meet the family mere minutes into her ‘relationship’! In yachting things move fast. Next week they’ll be broken up and arguing for shared custody of the pillow.
Meanwhile, poor bumbling EJ tried to kiss Baker, but got sand in his eye. He likes her attitude and vibes and that he can confide in her about how much Nico sucks – and she totally understands!
Back on board a case of dirty feet have Nico and EJ in another fight. The bus was filthy and no one wore shoes, so their feet were black. EJ told everyone including Nico’s brother to wash their feet, and was met with scorn and arguments, and Nico “talking shit” and cussing at him again. Poor EJ – he just can’t win! Also, Nico does realize EJ IS HIS BOSS!
TELL US – DID KATE HANDLE JEN’S ISSUE CORRECTLY? SHOULD NICO BE FIRED?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]