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Southern Charm Recap: Pulp Fiction

Our lovely recapper, Lauren, is temporarily unavailable, so I’ll be your pinch hitter this week for Southern Charm – or as it’s come to be known in some circles: Men In White Pants Behaving Badly. This season seems like it’s all about turning the tables on the good ole’ boys club, what with Naomie Olindo facing off with JD Madison, and Kathryn Dennis finally getting her very own #GirlSquad. While some of the “boys” are learning their lessons – or hiring their Uber driver as a life coach – others are shacking up with perpetually DEHYDRATED people like Ashley Jacobs.

We begin at Craig Conover’s home, where he’s calling up a life coach he found on the Google Machine. He’s ready to stop eating chicken fingers for breakfast (wtf was that on his counter!?) and get his newly coached arse in gear. Cameran Eubanks is getting ready for her baby girl by shopping with her mom – and accusing her of dropping her on her head when she was a baby. Um. Well, it all worked out in the end, so no worries.

Southern Charm Recap: Pulp Fiction

Cameran hopes to be the same sort of strong mother she is grateful to have, despite any bumps along the way. Breaking news: Cameran has also become a germaphobe in her final months of pregnancy…which is interesting to no one. Yeah, I said it. Moving on!

Southern Charm Recap: Pulp Fiction

At the bar, Shep Rose and Austen Kroll are staring into each other’s eyes, picturing their bleak futures. Naomi and Chelsea Meissner join them to hear all the dirt about boys night. But it’s Peyton – Shep’s ex, Austen’s (maybe) current, and Craig’s future fling – who becomes the main topic of conversation. Peyton is essentially the goddamned Slade Smiley of Southern Charm, and she’s wasting no time making the messy rounds.

Southern Charm Recap: Pulp Fiction

Naomi is less than thrilled to hear that Craig may have a little crush on Peyton. After she demands to see a photo of this newest thirsty vixen, she just rolls her eyes and channels her inner PEG (Psycho Ex Girlfriend), mentally planning to slash tires and carve initials into seats. “I’m not crazy,” she says with totally dead eyes.

OMG! Below Deck Med is coming back soon. Squeeeee! Alright, back from commercial break…

Craig is in his happy place: The sewing shop. His new guru is apparently my 2nd grade teacher or her identical twin, who guides Craig in his search for new patterns, technique, and machinery. She is indeed the ambassador of Craig’s fabric “Quan.” Kathryn stops by to request special pillows for her kiddos, and to listen to Craig’s latest grievances. Naomie doesn’t think he follows through on anything, but he’s going to prove he can, doggone it! Kathryn believes in Craig and wants him to believe in himself. I want these two to get together. Are they not the PERFECT match? Why is this not happening, STAT? C’mon, universe. Get on this sh*t.

Southern Charm Recap: Pulp Fiction

Austen goes home to have dinner with his family (who are just the cutest, right?) and to propose his newest venture. It’s called “I want to be an entrepreneur but have no idea how to do that.” Austen has dreams, yo! He doesn’t want to work for the man! He wants to drink beer, think about beer, and brew beer out of his garage! Does he have a plan? No. Recipes? Nope. A brewer? Nah. Austen’s mom is all, Get real, dude. She doesn’t want to hear anymore about this delusional crap until Austen has some big boy plans to back it up.

Back at Craig’s house, the camera crew are having a field day capturing the external filth that represents Craig’s internal turmoil. Even with a life coach coming over, Craig couldn’t be bothered to make the bed, sweep the floors, shove boxes out of the hallway, or throw dead mouse carcasses in the garbage. It’s called low expectations. Genius. Life Coach Lady shows up to ascertain what Craig’s damage is. Instead of looking around for 3 seconds and calling Craig an obvious hot mess, she proceeds to shower Craig with compliments. “You’re smart! You have great eye contact! You’re cute!” Um…is this broad looking for a new client or a second date? Doesn’t matter because Craig is thrilled to hear some positive affirmations after being criticized for so long. Whether he deserved that criticism doesn’t seem to cross his mind, however.

Out at dinner, Patricia Altshul, Whitney Smith, and Thomas Ravenel are discussing marriage. “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” bawls Thomas, supreme dragon master of cliched misogynistic phrases. Whitney laughs heartily at T-Rav’s pathetic attempt at humor, while Pat keeps it moving. She wants to know more about this Ashley person. As in: Is she of good breeding and healthy uterus? Thomas says he likes her, but finds her “lacking in couth.” Funny, because I find Thomas lacking in faces I’d like to NOT punch. (That made sense in my head, I swear.)

But anyway, Ashley is a thirsty, trifling so-and-so who everyone knows is just here for the cameras and dolla bills. Even T-Rav knows this. But he likes a woman who doesn’t have any power or choices, so she’ll fit the bill for now. At least Patricia realizes that Thomas is in no position to demand perfection from a partner, considering he is pond scum imperfect himself.

Southern Charm Recap: Pulp Fiction

After a quick moment of Chelsea and Austen golfing, we’re transported to the spa. Ahhhh. Cameran and Naomie are getting pedicures and talking about relationships. Naomie fills Cameran in on the Peyton situation, which is making the Craig situation even more stressful. She doesn’t want to be with Craig, but still has feelings for him. Even though she wants to be the “cool girl” about Craig moving on, she’s not. Especially because it involves Peyton. But Peyton will be at Shep’s upcoming Halloween party, so she’ll have to face her at least once. In an unfortunate wig.

Southern Charm Recap: Pulp Fiction

Fast forward to the night of Shep’s party, and who do we have here dressed up as a sexy green unicorn? It’s Peyton! And she’s with Austen…for now. As Thomas shaves his eyebrows <dry heave> and Craig affixes his Long John Silver hat to his head, Naomi, Kathryn, and Chelsea are discussing their game plan. Naomie plans to confront Peyton. She cares not about being labeled a psychopath! She shall scream at people in unicorn makeup! Mad respect for that, I guess.

Southern Charm Recap: Pulp Fiction

Even Kathryn has enough sense to talk Naomie off the psycho ledge, suggesting she not go CRAY within 4 minutes of getting to the party. Take your time girl. Take your tiiiiiiiime. Then Kathryn even maintains her cool after Thomas tells her he’s taking their children trick or treating WITH ASHLEY.

Southern Charm Recap: Pulp Fiction

“You can come,” Thomas chuckle/slurs, donning a skull and crossbones bandana on his ridiculous head. Kathryn just rolls her eyes and manages not to throat punch the father of her child – an effort in restraint for which she deserves a trophy.

Naomie finally makes her way over to Craig. Dressed as Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction, Naomie isn’t channeling her inner badass yet – she’s starting out soft. But as soon as Peyton comes on the scene, it’s straight past early Tarantino and right into Kill Bill territory. And of course, Peyton is Bill – she just doesn’t know it yet.

“So Peyton, why are you here?” snarks Naomie, who wonders what intentions Peyton has in Charleston, home of the world’s finest dog grooming establishments.

Southern Charm Recap: Pulp Fiction

After being accused of dating Shep, Austen, and Craig, Peyton defends that she doesn’t even know who the eff Craig is! She met him for fifteen minutes one time. Naomie’s PEG mode is in full effect though, so she’s not hearing any of this. She pops off about Peyton being a “thirsty b*tch and everyone knows it!” adding that she knows what Peyton’s up to. Peyton is dumbfounded, not realizing that Craig (one of many random pirates at this gathering) expressed interest in her at some point.

Southern Charm Recap: Pulp Fiction

After Peyton runs away in tears, Austen chases after her to calm her down. He doesn’t like to see a unicorn cry. He’s also shocked at Naomie’s viciousness, wondering just what Craig actually had to put up with for the past three years? (Is it three? It seems like three.) Back at the party, Naomie continues to call Peyton every name in the book while her friends silently back away from the crazy. She is out for blood. Dang!

Southern Charm Recap: Pulp Fiction

Austen comes back to talk Naomie off the ledge, but quickly he realizes there’s no point. When Craig approaches the clusterf**k, he sees that Naomie is clearly losing her sh*t in public. Somehow, this soothes his weary soul. At least it’s not behind closed doors, for once. Although he admits he was maybe-kinda-sorta a bit interested in Peyton, it’s nothing serious. And Naomie doesn’t want him anyway, so what gives?! Naomie can barely keep her wig on at this point, the rage is rising out of her head with such venomous force. So she just shouts at Craig and walks away, leaving him there with his single earring to contemplate his next move.

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, Jersey Shore, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!) – plus a dash of cults. Available on AcastStitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.

TELL US: HAS NAOMIE DONE LOST HER MARBLES? IS PEYTON AN OPPORTUNIST? CAN CRAIG TURN EVERYTHING AROUND WITH A LIFE COACH? IS KATHRYN THE MOST MATURE PERSON ON THIS SHOW NOW? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?

Photo Credit: Bravo

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