How did the biggest storyline on Real Housewives Of Orange County become whether or not it’s “concerning” that Emily Simpson‘s toadstool of a husband (Shoadstool) is controlling? Are they really breaking golf etiquette over a teetotaler with angst over women having fun? I mean, technically, no; technically what they’re really fighting over is Shannon Beador being a bad friend to Tamra Judge.
Which is karma considering all the years Tamra has been practicing a particular brand of bad religion on everyone. What they’re really fighting over is how Tamra is sick of being good. Even Vicki Gunvalson, desperate to become Mrs. Steve Stupendously Staid And Boring, is letting her down, but she’s not allowed to fight with Vicki anymore… And what is it they say: Well behaved women rarely make things fun?
Also, it is just like a Housewife to take an otherwise boring activity (golf), lace it with alcohol, and instead of trying to make it more enjoyable, make it SO MUCH WORSE by creating stupid arguments over stupid semantics. Although I suppose in Emily’s defense if she thought Shannon was insinuating that her husband, Shoadstool, was an abusive, fake vow renewelizing, tortilla chip taunting, hate text mongering, alimony withholding lunatic with an iron man triathlon complex, I’d probably want to nip that misconception in the bud too.
Shannon’s latest infraction against Tamra (and arguably her biggest) is to invite Steven, a hot trainer from a rival fitness center, to her house because gyms make her feel like a million of David’s eyes are staring her down; judging her. Even at the gym her best friend owns (which apparently David frequents…). In the ‘privacy’ of her own home, Steven makes Shannon do things with free weights and pretends it’s exercise. It’s more of therapy than it is working out. And it’s also the most action she’s gotten in years, probably.
Shannon’s goals are reasonable, “I want my stomach to go in further than my boobs,” she tells Ken Doll Steven. Adding, “I’m not ready to date because I’m not comfortable with my body.” Which is sad. On the positive – I love Shannon’s new white interview look. The hair was very “I Dream Of A Hot Man…”
Of course, now that Shannon has Steven trapped in her house, she’s never letting him go. Like the Steven King movie, Misery, which stars Kathy Bates as a romance novel fanatic who takes her search for love a liiiiitle too far. Shannon is putting those weights somewhere – hopefully, it’s not to pin her trainer in the Feng Shui approved sex corner, near the security sofa.
Since she’s supposed to be ‘The Good One’ this season, Tamra has to stop gossiping about what a douchebag Shane is until she actually meets the dude. I thought Tamra and Emily had known each other a long time – yet Tamra has never met her husband? Furthermore, how can Shober Shane, who attends dinner dressed like a Sunday school teacher, get through any type of Tamra outing without booze? His Mormon Jesus must be strong, that one. True to form the second mocktails are served Tamra immediately starts talking crap about Gina Kirschenheiter and is informed that no, Shane didn’t “throw her out,” but asked her to keep it down or leave.
Tamra comes away from dinner deciding that Shane is just Mr. Misunderstood, and then she decides it’s all Shannon’s fault.
Kelly Dodd has had a parenting revelation: if you send your kid to summer camp on a private plane she miiiiiight just develop an entitlement complex. Which manifests in insisting her mom buy a $4 million dollar house so Jolie never has to share a swimming pool. Or this could be how Jolie, by all accounts a sweet and very well-adjusted person, is reacting to the trauma of the divorce. Scratch that – what’s actually happening is that KELLY is projecting her own difficulty accepting newly reduced circumstances as being ‘Jolie’s problem’. That’s OK though because whatever the case they come up with a plan to handle ‘OC Problems’ which is good for everyone.
OC problems are when you grow up in a world so insular even the ‘poor people’ are actually affluent, and it’s time for Jolie to “get grounded” – and not just for private jet landing and take-off. “I need to get grounded myself,” acknowledges Kelly. Grounded like stay home and stop dating every Tom, Dick, and Harry who walks through the door of The Quiet Woman. Grounded like stop telling your pre-teen daughter about Tom’s Dick and Harry’s Hairy, and the hairy Vick misbehavior.
“I realize I have to reprogram myself, as well as Jolie,” recognizes Kelly, who decides to show her daughter a plastic spoon vs. a silver one by taking her to a soup kitchen to serve breakfast. How fun that Kelly dressed in a “homeless look” sweatshirt with ‘fashion’ holes and a fur-topped beanie for this occasion. Sigh.
After chopping onions and serving lunch, Jolie has an ah-ha moment though and is truly grateful for the eye-opening experience. Much better mother-daughter bonding than Kelly treating Jolie like a friend she confesses all her boy problems to! Good job, Kels.
Emily goes shopping with Gina and is all flustered because her Tesla ran out of charge and she’s stuck wearing a wrinkled denim shirt and looking literally no different than she looks when she tries.
Literally, the first words out of Gina’s mouth are how Shannon was “concerned” about Shane and implying that perhaps there were some strong parallels between the hated David Beador and the hatable Shane Simpson. Emily infers this to mean that Shannon believes Shane is abusive. Even though Gina makes it clear to explain that Shannon admitted she was probably projecting her own negative experiences onto Emily. Isn’t Emily an attorney? Shouldn’t she know the importance of semantics vs. intent, or is it because she’s personally invested in defending her husband she can’t be rational?
Over at Tamra’s she tells her mom that CBT Oil is healing her foot. I wish it would heal her personality. They do say marijuana is a miracle drug!
Tamra’s mom is dating a pothead plumber just when Tamra’s house of a thousand leaks actually needs a plumber! And speaking of illicit substances – does he have plumbers crack (I’ll be here all week folks!). And speaking of leaks, there’s none at Shannon’s house because her water got turned off over an unpaid bill! At 54 it’s apparently the first time Shannon has ever paid bills, and now that David is paying $22,000/month in alimony he took all the utilities out of his name. Shannon called Tamra in a complete panic about this, then Tamra learned about Steven…
Shannon is basically committing exercise adultery by going with a different gym to get her psychical needs and that’s not OK with Tamra. “I take a lot from Shannon – there’s a lot of dumping on me and telling me what’s going on and a lotta negativity, and I get off the phone and I’m drained,” she complains. What Shannon needs is a therapist – not Tamra with bible turned into a burn book. And what Tamra needs is for Shannon to pretend to care, just a little, about the issues in her life – like Eddie’s health.
These are the days of Orange County problems though – Tesla not having a full love tank on the way to a shopping date; wanting to water your garden with purified aqua when your alimony isn’t high enough, daughter so spoiled she needs her own private pool (filled with Evian), golf clubs you were gifted and feel obligated to use in exchange for an engagement ring…
Vicki is turning 105 going on 15 and wants to celebrate her birthday with a day full of all the things Steve wants Vicki to do – like golf! Vicki believes morphing into the type of woman Steve wants will get him to propose quicker. “I’m a marriage girl,” declares the twice-divorced Vicki, whose love tank needs a drip pan. Golf and the RHOC are two things that don’t go together at all. They might as well have done quantum physics, but Steve bought Vicki golf clubs, so… So here we are with the impossible task of trying to class these broads up. They should’ve just gone to mini golf in Vegas.
Tamra is wearing a Weekend At Bernie’s golf costume, while Gina is dressed like a golf stripper. Kelly is the only one who’s ever actually golfed before, so they basically spend the entire day getting drunker and drunker and drunker until they start fighting. Tamra complains that Steve has turned Vicki into a Stepford Wife, and apparently that’s too boring for her! After all – someone has to make Tamra look better. To add to the bizarreness of the day Tamra brought along breathalyzers because no drunk golf cart driving allowed.
Shannon drives the golf cart like it’s an ATV in the Glamis Dunes, while Vicki drives like someone in an assisted living community. Until she collapses, wasted, on the course after hole 3 and lets Tamra mount her to pour champagne down her throat. Tamicki can call their golf porn “Hole In One.”
Just when things are going OK, Emily confronts Shannon about allegedly calling Shane abusive. Which Shannon never said. Over lunch Shannon announces to the table – ahem Gina – that she would NEVER use that trigger word – after all, she knows firsthand what ALLEGATIONS can do to a marriage, but Gina is quick to dispel that she had anything to do with the misinformation.
Since Tamra is actually the one who kept actually stirring up speculation about Shane she quickly backpedals by claiming it’s “all a big, huge misunderstanding” caused by a game of telephone, and everyone just needs to back off Emily’s marriage. Tamra seemingly directs this criticism to Shannon, then argues that if Shannon understood what it was like to defend a marriage she loved, she’d keep her comments to herself. This is a looooow blow. Tamra knows firsthand that Shannon literally imploded doing just that.
After really being annoyed by Gina, I really liked her this episode. She called everyone out without drama. She articulated herself well, and accurately remembered all the she-said/she-said. Did she have flashcards? Also, instead of having a big messy argument with Emily at the table, pulled her aside to reiterate that as her friend she wasn’t trying to cause problems, but protect her and even when Emily tried to throw Gina’s absentee husband under the bus, Gina squashed immediately pointed out how underhanded that was, then demanded they give the metaphorical baby a pacifier and “put it to bed.” While Emily and Gina hugged and promised to be actual friends, back at the table Tamra started a big metaphorical fight with Shannon over nonsense instead of opening up about the real issues!
And so that’s how a fight between Gina, Emily, and the word “abuse,” became a fight between Tamra and Shannon over who is to blame for Eve eating the apple at Tanners and bringing down all of mankind. Only on Real Housewives! #OCProblems
Nothing about the semantics of this argument made sense – they were really arguing about emotions, and it was actually a rehashing of all the wounds Vicki inflicted upon both Tamra and Shannon’s marriages in previous seasons over unfounded accusations. Conveniently Vicki slipped away as things got hot, while Kelly stayed behind to alternately take sides.
Vicki doesn’t care about Shane. She wants to talk about insurance because when the fun bus crashes you want to be protected. Eventually, Shannon got so mad she ‘pulled a Shannon’ and stormed away, but as Tamra told Kelly “I don’t care.” Tamra is fed up with being the bigger person. Maybe she should be?
TELL US – IS SHANNON A BAD FRIEND TO TAMRA? ARE YOU LIKING GINA OR NOT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]