Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: The Vows We Shouldn’t Keep

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was a lesson in marital “How Don’ts.” An exhibit of the worst kinds of marriages and men: The exes of Tamra Judge and Shannon Beador, the Davids, the Simons, and now the Shane’s Oh my! Emily Simpson may have joined this show thinking her quirkily unconventional G-Chat love story was a modern day romance of surrogacy and women who earn equally to men, but one wrong outburst and the house of Hallmark cards came crumbling down on national TV. Shane should’ve known better than to join this show – after all, he hates loud women.

While some of us (ahem, David) think Shannon is too much to handle, she’s just getting started! Which means launching a low-fat food business on QVC so we can all continue on the “weight journey” with her. If eating like Shannon gives you Shannon’s life, I’ll stick to eating cookies! 

Shannon invites Tamra, Emily, and Kelly Dodd over to watch her do a photoshoot for the packaging of her new TV dinner collection. Instead of Farm-to-table, it’s TV-to-Freezer! I just kept wanting this to be like the time Sonja Morgan enlisted Heather Thomson‘s help to launch her fantasy toaster oven with headless naked men and period dramas. Unfortunately, the most exciting thing that happened at Shannon’s shoot was Tamra, a one-wheeled, one-heeled wonder, cruising in on a scooter bearing a “Mas Tequilas” license plate. Why do I have a vision that in 20 years Tamra will be rolling into the casino; swapping this scooter for a rascal?

Shannon Beador photoshoot for QVC food

Of course, Shannon frets that the photos make it look like her gut is hanging over her down-sized quartz countertops. But that’s the point of this whole reinvention venture – it’s not just a weight journey, it’s a food journey! If Shannon can drag all of us along with her it’s like having a million diet buddies. Which is better than one Tamra. Shannon’s goal is for the next time a man says  “WOOOOW” when she takes her shirt off, it’s for a different reason. Self-esteem isn’t easy to come by, though, when David is sending her verbally abusive, hateful texts calling her a fat, lazy, and entitled, all while refusing to hire an attorney to avoid settling preliminary spousal support.

Since David endured “17 years of hell” being married to Shannon, he apparently believes he’s paid enough. So, that vow renewal… was that the year David had a temporary lobotomy? Emily, who is trying to emerge as the sanguine voice of reason – a non-uppity anathema to Heather Dubrow‘s elitist manner’s police, but a sane presence all the same – describes divorce as people at their emotional worst. Oh, honey, I have news for you-you’re wrong. Real Housewives reunions (or trips) is when people are at their emotional worst!

I don’t understand why Shannon didn’t serve her food for lunch. Why else have her ‘friends’ over during the photo shoot promoting her food company if not to promote the food! Maybe they were actually celebrating national blow job day. Except I feel like Kelly is the only one who will rise to that occasion. Shannon probably doesn’t know what a BJ is or David told her it’s when you lick guacamole off your finger while sitting in a hot tub, and Eddie’s heart can’t handle it so Tamra is off the hook. Plus Tamra shouldn’t risk anymore naked gymnastics. Shane probably doesn’t celebrate holidays because he’s bad at fun, or his hybrid cult-igion doesn’t allow it.

Tamra Judge

Since La Croix makes Housewives confessional Emily shares that Shane yelled at Gina Kirschenheiter for being unruly after the poker night and demanded Emily “get this chick” out of his house. Tamra is obviously overjoyed by this impending drama. Shane is crass and obnoxious. He was HOSTING. A. PARTY. Not a bar exam study group. I don’t like Gina. I find her and her one weird gray nail beyond tiresome, but Shane has no business screaming over the banister at her like she’s some wayward kid who refuses to go to bed. This red flags him as the new David… especially when Emily shares that Gina wanted to apologize but days later Shane is still too pissed to accept. Duuuuude.

Vicki Gunvalson gives advice

Vicki Gunvalson is hard at work celebrating national blow job day drinking fireballs after deciding she’s qualified to host a radio dating show. ‘VD: Vicki Dates’ will never take off, though, because the only advice Vicki offers is to give your man more blow jobs and all your problems will go away. With ideas like this it’s sort of amazing that she wound up with Brooks. It matters not that Michael and Steve are both in the room either. Vicki was really supposed to be recording a commercial for the new national franchise of Coto Insurance, but all Vicki’s roads lead to filling love tanks. Let’s just hope she doesn’t believe financial problems are also solved with blow jobs.

The Real Housewives live in a perpetual state of girl’s night out and girls fight out, which means everyone is meeting for drinks at some weird bar. Since Gina and Emily have potential drama to exploit they ride together.

Gina confronts Emily about Shane

Gina refuses to let “petty shit” ruin drinks and plans on squashing whatever issues exist with Emily and Shane. Shane, who Gina’s never even officially met, that is. “You do not wanna go into a group of women who alllllll have strong opinions, and bring your shit into there,” she explains. Still, however civilly, per the Bravo contract Gina and Emily gotta iron out their differences of opinion! With weird 80’s Made-For-TV music playing in the background (huh Bravo?) they hair-flip off in the limo, but this potential round withered like a d–k without a blowjob.

Emily Simpson defends her husband

Even after Gina heard from Tamra that Emily is spreading stories about how she plans to apologize to Shane for disturbing the peace in his home! Even after Gina declared SHE wants (and deserves) an apology from Shane who, despite being married to a party planner, doesn’t know how to host a party. Still no fight. Shane is an ass, and Kelly is correct – if my husband screamed at my friends I’d go Full-Scale Kelly Dodd psycho on him too. It’s wrong. What’s even more wrong is Emily choosing marriage bonds over girl code. How dare she! (sarcasm) She will not do well in this arena, although, as Kelly recognizes, it might be why Emily is still married.

Vicki and Kelly, now friends again (yay!), are shocked by Shane’s behavior and Emily’s permissiveness. They decide he just doesn’t understand fun because he’s Mormon. Obviously, they don’t trust people who don’t drink. I mean, Vicki breathes Fireball at business meetings and when Kelly gets a vitamin drip it’s actually filled with wine, because duh – grapes are healthy! “It’s hard enough being married,” sighs Kelly, one needs alcohol to cope.

Most of the women look superb at this drinks meet-up. Kelly is rocking a Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego hat and glasses combo, which was chic and mysterious. Tamra has this killer ponytail styled like an Arabian Stallion’s tail at a dressage show. Julius Michael you have outdone yourself! Emily’s bouffant blow-out was fantastic. Even Vicki had a great leather jacket.

We are granted a temporary reprieve from Shane because Tamra and Vicki surprised Shannon by hiring a matchmaker to give her the shove she needs to start dating again.

As ‘Bravo fabricated’ as it is, hiring a matchmaker is probably a prudent course of action because Shannon would get all confused on Tinder and swipe right when she meant left, then accidentally wind up ordering an Uber to transport a Russian hooker name Sergi, masquerading as a personal trainer specializing in the kegel dimension, over to casa de depression divorcee. Archie would end up in therapy and David would sue for custody of the Italian leather sectional citing emotional distress, with Shannon paying a portion of upkeep support. So yes, April, the matchmaker, was a wise choice – Shannon shall not be left to her own devices, even if she erroneously believes that dating services are for people who can’t find someone on their own. Oh, Shannon, that is so 1992! Get with the times.

Of course, April just so happened to be ‘waiting in the wings’ of the bar to launch into Operation Save Shannon (From Herself) immediately.

It’s interesting seeing the disparate journeys Kelly and Shannon’s singleness is taking. For instance who Kelly describes as the ideal date for Shannon: hot, rich, very sexually active, oh and also in love with her (this came last on the list). That is what Kelly wants for herself. Kelly is dating a bunch of nameless, faceless hotties titled The Milkman, The Lawyer, The Doctor who fulfill her physically but don’t demand any deeper emotional attachment. It’s because Michael was co-dependent, overbearing, and never wanted to have fun. Meanwhile, Shannon is afraid to start dating, but is craving a connection. She tells the matchmaker she won’t just randomly make out with a guy from a bar. David was distant – psychically, sexually, and emotionally – and Shannon is looking to be loved, but isn’t ready to believe she deserves it.

Tamra & Shannon

Emily leaves drinks early and provides Shane being home with all three kids as an excuse. Maybe she was actually trying to catch the matchmaker!? As soon as Emily’s back is turned the ladies all launch on Gina about what really happened after poker night. Did Shane turn into a gorilla and swing down from the banister before throwing her out on the lawn. Did he hoot and holler and kick up a fuss? Did he break his Mormonism to drop an F-Bomb. We could only hope!

Gina reveals that Emily was embarrassed and apologized for Shane “being a dick.” Which is not how she made it seem to the other women. Emily’s marriage is doomed. She has subjected herself to the wolf den and now Shane, for better or worse, is lumped into a psychotic husband pit alongside David and Simon, but I don’t think he’s a controlling monster like is being insinuated. At least not yet!

Shane’s approach is his undoing – like Gina expressed, if he had just come downstairs to explain that he had to get the kids to bed and could they quiet down, no one would’ve been scandalized (Except Tamra). Gina is willing to give Shane another chance – maybe we all should? Nah… we’re here to judge and judge harshly the sins of other’s paramours to detract from our own. Shane has icky hair and shuns alcohol – clearly, he is a bad influence.

Vicki & Tamra

Tamra is firmly in our camp – she leaps to suggesting that Emily is in a bad marriage and mentions it to Vicki while they’re having their eyebrows permanently tattooed. “Friendship brows,” Tamra dubs them. Tamra also has opinions about Gina’s marriage – like where is this husband and why doesn’t Gina have his face on a milk carton, because she has no idea where in LA he lives all while her kids have morphed into wild animals. Gina admits she’s never even seen his apartment. That is weird and highly suspicious. LA is basically ONE HOUR AWAY.

If you thought being compared to David or Simon was bad, wait until Gina gets a load of Vicki comparing her marriage to the doubts she ignored about Brooks. Vicki admits she’d have nanny cams “cemented to the wall” all over that apartment.

Kelly & The Milkman

We finally meet “The Milkman,” whose actual name is Frank, and he is actually a milkman in NYC! He is also hot and wearing shorts that give him the male version of cameltoe. He also has very defined calf muscles, which would probably give Eddie heart palpitations of jealousy. Frank and Kelly are essentially bi-coastal friends with benefits, with Frank also doubling as her therapist. And she could listen to him lackadaisically recite a list of his favorite Mexican food all day.

Shannon after court with David

On the day of court Shannon lies in bed with Archie until it’s time to leave, and her bad feelings turned out to be justified. Afterwards, Shannon calls Tamra in tears. David was ordered to pay Shannon $30,000 PER MONTH (!!!) and after court adjourned he confronted Shannon in the hallway, forcing Shannon’s attorney to scream for the bailiff. Shannon blames David’s anger on a desire to continue controlling her and the money. Shannon is not over him – she is still defending David and trying to appease him. Like deciding the awarded support was too high and asking the judge to lower it after his outburst! They agreed to David paying $22,500/month, because that’s bare minimum what Shannon needs to maintain her lifestyle. That poky little house? Her girl’s nights? Where is this money going?! Frozen food? David deserves it though, that’s for certain.

Tamra was a good friend here. A supportive listener, who asked the right amount of questions and the right ones. It was a contrast to the usual shit-stirring glee Tamra exhibits when she senses a friend in peril.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]