The doomed relationships of 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days hit critical mass last night, with some couples calling it quits, others revealing new secrets, and one couple even getting officially hitched. Yup, Karine signed up to be Mrs. Paul FOR REALS, you guys. And she doesn’t have anything to show for it except a blocked Instagram account, a few used up pregnancy tests, and 67 poop emoji pillows.
The moment Family Karine has been dreading is here: their beloved daughter will meet Paul and Siri at the altar to wed in holy matrimony. The day of the wedding, Karine is still nervous but committed her bad decisions. As Mother Karine cries by her side, Paul rides to the ceremony hall recounting his terrible relationships of yesteryear and hoping he doesn’t have a panic attack today. No running into the woods, Paul! BAD PAUL. Sit. Stay.
As Karine’s family and Paul assemble themselves in the most hideously grimy government building annex ever, Karine’s mother hugs her and begs her with her eyes to reconsider this disaster. “I wonder where Karine is?” asks Paul when 30 minutes go by. Well, Paul, Karine is in the back room bawling her eyes out right now because she’s marrying YOU. That’s where.
Finally, Karine shows up to seal her fate. And if she weren’t depressed enough already, she is forced to trade vows with Paul in his very halting Portuguese (but good for him for trying!) while a sea of sweating family members fan themselves on plastic chairs in the background. At least Paul has hosed himself off and oiled his suit for the special occasion.
In truth, Karine looks beautiful and (strangely) happy, so good for her! And Paul does look considerably less murdery in his suit and tie, so there’s that. At their party on a boat afterward, everyone has calmed down a bit, and even Mother and Father Karine toast to the newlyweds. Soon, they’ll be toasting something else…because rumor has it there’s a baby hairball on the way.
Hey, TLC – can we get some real answers on what the actual hell is going on with this couple? Pretty please? Because their situation continues to baffle me. As Rachel points out, Jon (despite being forgiven by Rachel for his 50-60 fights), can’t obtain an American visa. And Rachel, who shares custody of her eldest daughter with her ex, can’t move to England. “Our relationship is doomed to fail,” she admits.
So what’s a couple who has NO OPTIONS OF EVER BEING TOGETHER do? Well, they get engaged, that’s what! Yes, last night Jon took Rachel to a gorgeous cliff overlooking the ocean and, with baby Lucy strapped to him, got down on one knee to propose. Rachel cried, said yes, and….what the hell are they supposed to do now? They met, they karaoked, they traded felony records, and apparently now, they wait.
Oh – Jon also got to FaceTime with Father Rachel in a vain attempt to prove he’s not a psychopath. Unfortunately, he again refused to blink for the full ten minutes while doing so. Father Rachel was not impressed.
Tarik is in full mesh-shirt-makeup-mode as he runs back to his hotel to comfort Hazel. He assures her that Dean is just “overprotective,” not to mention inappropriate. But hey, Dean is also effective as hell. Because after a good night’s sleep, Tarik wonders what the real deal with this chick is after all? Does she still have a relationship with her ex? Is she still, for instance, communicating with him?
It turns out the answer is YES, she is. Hazel says her ex has some of her clothes and furniture, and he owes her money. Tarik doesn’t care about the money – he’ll give her the money! He just doesn’t want Hazel communicating with her ex anymore. Hazel demurely asks for forgiveness, swearing she won’t make the same mistake again. But when producers ask her if she’ll cut off contact with her ex, Hazel just shrugs and flatly says, “Maybe.” Oh, girrrrrrrrrrl. WE SEE YOU. #HazelGotGame
When they meet up with Dean later, after Tarik chokes down a rotten duck fetus, the couple tries to act as if Dean didn’t unleash the beast on them the night before. They also plan on ditching Brother Tarik for a couples’ getaway that Dean isn’t invited on. Dean’s like, Whatevs! I’ll just sit here on the curb and wipe sweat from my face for the next 48 hours. PEACE!
Before they part ways, Dean decides to throw a few more inappropriate comments out there for good measure. “Are you sure you’ll be enough woman for him?” he goads Hazel. “You know, in the bedroom?” Tarik is way too slow on
every possible level the uptake to come back at Dean with any meaningful clap backs, so he just sort of whines, then secretly complains to the cameras that Hazel hasn’t slept with him yet. Thus, we are assured that the pillow barrier is still in FULL effect!
At dinner, Angela wants assurance from Michael that she’s not too old and crusty for him. Thus, she asks him the question every blushing bride-to-be wants answers to: “Can you wipe my butt when I’m old?” At least Michael gets his measure of torture in, forcing Angela to eat cow hoof while she grills him. Touche’!
The truth is, Michael does want
a non hoochie under 50 years old kids, which there is no way in hell his grandmafriend can provide him, especially when Angela tells him that IVF costs tens of thousands. I mean, homegirl had to PAWN a $250 wedding band, right? Michael is in it to win it though, so he swears “it will all be okay, don’t worry about it.” He’s not about to risk his meal ticket over some trivial IVV and old-lady-ass-wiping details. This is music to Angela’s ears. “Can we hurry up and go have sex?” she guffaws, barely seconds after regurgitating her cow hoof.
But Michael’s assurances don’t mean as much when Angela discovers Michael’s IG account later, on which he follows “thousands of attractive women.” Angela, who we all realize has no idea how to use the Google machine (ex: “I don’t know your culture here!”), does know how to surreptitiously investigate Michael’s phone. You know – the phone which will spontaneously explode if Michael has a photo “of a white lady” on it? Yeah, that one.
When Angela confronts Michael about all of the sexy women he’s following on social media, he just says that he’s trying to be…um, sociable! Angela doesn’t like this, and her insecurities about being called “fat,” “masculine,” and “an elder” are already raging – with good reason. She calls her daughter, Scottie, later to confide in her. Scottie knows her mom is being scammed and is just surprised it’s taking this long for her to figure it out. Angela seems shocked at Scottie’s accusations that Michael is likely catfishing multiple women across the globe; she expected that the deep, meaningful Facebook message of “Hi” was meant for her eyes only.
Also, Angela tells cameras that there’s another secret she’s been keeping about Michael’s sketchy ways. She had forgiven him for it up til now, but is ready to bust that information out again since finding out about his social media ways. And next week, she plans to do just that. I CANNOT WAIT. (Meet me back here, ya’ll. I’ll bring the carton of cigs…)
Since Ricky has shacked up with Ximena, Melissa is just a distant memory. How the hell did Ricky and Ximena get so close so fast, producers wonder? Well, because Ricky has been LYING – AGAIN. Yup, he’s actually been in close contact with Ximena for quite some time, even sending her money now and then to help support her family. Ummmm…QUE?!?
In fact, Ximena naturally expected Ricky to come to Colombia for her – and only her – given the length and depth of their online relationship. This is why Ricky practically sh*ts his camo shorts when, during their first night of sextytimes together, he accidentally calls Ximena “Melissa.” OH SNAP.
He bumbles an awkward apology the next morning, which Ximena accepts all too readily. Then they go out to explore the city hand in hand – Ricky, Ximena, and The Fanny Pack Of Dreams together at long last.
Later on, Ricky admits he’s wary of Ximena’s motives too. Is she just with him because of his money? Or is it just because of his sweet Rambo gear, doo rag, and five-foot stature? He’s particularly wondering about Ximena’s financial situation, which he’s been aiding, especially after he discovered she got a nose job with the money he sent “for food.” UM, WHAT? Unrattled at his questioning, Ximena explains that her nose job was medically necessary, so she only used a small amount of money to cover what insurance didn’t handle. Poor, dumb Ricky seems happy with this ridiculous answer.
Only one more problem: Ricky needs to tell Ximena about Melissa, but he doesn’t have the balls to do it. After dancing and drinks later, he makes a super lame attempt at “honesty,” but decides to keep his secret just a little bit longer. Or at least until Ximena sleeps with him one more time. Ok guys, Ricky is THE WORST.
Speaking of the worst…we’ve saved the best for last! Because this week, Darcey and Jesse take the grand prize for the title of Supreme Crazies On My TV Screen. After the whole steak-on-da-bias debacle, Jesse throws a hissy fit on the porch, then deigns to rejoin Darcey and her daughters for the world’s most awkward dinner. Jesse refuses to eat, just staring at the pre-teens to his left and right who literally say out loud that they are more mature than these two so-called grownups.
Darcey tries to pretend that things are fine, but Jesse won’t let the steak thing go, even refusing to eat the blessed carrot cake he fawned all over earlier. After the girls leave, Darcey wonders WTF she’s actually doing with this dude? He’s awful. Full stop. And yo, he obviously burned off ALL of his bangs with a flat iron recently, which has warranted some sort of headband situation that is entirely unacceptable.
Sometime later, cameras are back in the house tracking Jesse and Darcey screaming at each other and running from room to room. In Blair Witch style footage, we hear Jesse shouting that Darcey “threw shoes at my head!” while Darcey follows him, yelling “No I did NOT!”
Apparently, Darcey stepped on one of Jesse’s precious white sneakers, causing him to rage about her “ruining” his things. She says she then tossed her own shoes at the floor near him, but Jesse claims a full-blown stiletto assault has taken place. “I’m calling the police!” he threatens. Then, as Darcey cries on a chair, wondering why she ever thought dating this dude was a good idea, Jesse storms out of the house with all of his belongings. Darcey, my love, why waste the stilettos? Don’t you know you need more extreme tools to expel this thing from your house? They include: 1) garlic, 2) sunlight, 3) a crucifix. YOU’RE WELCOME.
But it looks like she won’t need it after all because even when Jesse comes slinking back for one more sit-down with producers, Darcey seems done. As in D-O-N-E. Within seconds of their bickering in an interview, Jesse snaps, “Why don’t you just break up with me then?” When Darcey doesn’t cry and beg him to come back, Jesse takes that as his cue to leave. He’s been dumped! And it couldn’t have happened to a bigger douchebag. Smell ya later, psycho!
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: IS THIS THE END OF JESSE & DARCEY? ARE HAZEL AND XIMENA SCAMMING TARIK & RICKY MORE THAN THEY REALIZE? WHAT IS RACHEL’S PLAN? WHAT SECRET OF MICHAEL’S IS ANGELA GOING TO PUT ON BLAST NEXT WEEK?!?
Photo Credit: TLC