Sheesh was last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County a big ole snooze. When the most exciting thing that happens is Shannon Beador bending over on national TV (and I don’t think she was attempting the Legally Blonde Bend & Snap!) before wobbling her own self-described gut, you know it’s gonna be a good one!
Look, I feel for Gina Whatserfacernameo, but I am so tired of her talking about her divorce! I KNOW, I KNOW – getting divorced is traumatic, painful, and all-consuming, but we’re not connected to Gina or Mystery Meat Matt who just walked through our door, and yet every episode features Gina crying over how she knows she’s doing the right thing by ending her marriage, but yada, yada, yada…
First Gina goes to eat tacos with her parents and after they discuss how nice the weather is (Gina’s other favorite topic!), she cries about how she has this new friend Tamra Judge who has all these old friends who are also practically the same age as Gina’s parents, and who are making her feel real, real bad for getting a divorce. Dammit, Gina wants casseroles, not judgments. At least we learned that Gina isn’t completely flippant about the split! Despite acting like dumping her husband is no different than returning a shirt you’ve already worn to Target, she shares they’re going to get counseling for tips on how to best talk to their kids. That’s reassuring, although I’m not sure when this counseling could take place given that Matt only comes to the OC about one hour a month. Skype?
Meanwhile, Vicki Gunvalson conquers her fear of riding things to hop on the back of Steve’s Harley. I’m including Brooks in those “things.” Steve has always dreamed of owning a motorcycle so Vicki told him to go ahead, put it on her credit card – after all she’s got insurance on top of insurance because WOO HOO! if there’s one thing she’s good at it’s insuring people in case they die! She’s just not good at reassuring people. Predictably Vicki screams all the way to the biker bar about 15 minutes from her house, even though I bet Steve was only going like 15 MPH. It’s probably PTSD over the time Tamra nearly killed her in Glamis. As Vicki’s life flashes before her eyes she realizes 2 things: 1) Gina is wrong for leaving Matt; 2) If Steve doesn’t marry her right now he’ll be the one fearing for his life after she possesses the Harley by overflowing its tank with her love.
Over at Shannon’s she’s prepping to travel to Philly to unveil her prepared foods collection for QVC. It’s no brilliant idea like an affordable healthy food restaurant or anything, but it’s something to gain independence and confidence after David slashed that with a broken tortilla chip and crunched it into tiny shards of corn dust. WHICH HAS CALORIES. AND CARBS.
Tamra, Shannon’s oldest daughter Sophie, and about 15 pounds of vitamins are coming along for moral support. After Shannon portions the vitamins out into giant mountains of Vitamin C, probiotics, witch juice to keep the bad husbands away, portable Feng Shui potion no 9, lemon zinger snarcasm ointment, Spanx-i-colitis, anti-delusiant powder, and good old-fashioned valium. She probably also added a pocked-sized Dr. Moon to sit on her shoulder as the good angel wagging his finger against negative thoughts and bad eating, meanwhile, Tamra is the devil on Shannon’s other shoulder taunting her with all the things she shouldn’t do and warning her against all the ways this could go wrong. Also reminding her that David is driving his new 30-something girlfriend around in his brand new Porsche while complaining that he can’t afford alimony. And after she cut him a deal!!
Of course, there is the David factor. There’s always the David factor. There is no Shannon without the David factor! For instance, he lets the girls do and wear whatever they want leaving Shannon to be the bad mom who tells them no hoochie outfits or designer leather jackets.
Kelly Dodd‘s daughter Jolie is in musical theater and Kelly attends rehearsal smothering her every adolescent urge not to yell “DORK!” at the kids, which is ironic considering that Kelly is the one dressed like a majorette. Kelly has no idea what the appeal of jazz hands are because when she was in high school the theater geeks were the people she smashed into lockers. Jolie has probably figured out that jazz hands will distract Kelly from talking about her sex life and leave her in peace.
Emily Simpson is also boring. Despite almost dying as a result of miscarrying twins, and then relying on her sister to be her surrogate she still wants to unfreeze one of her remaining embryos to have a fourth kid. Um, why are none of these women yelling in her face that this is a bad idea – why are they so distracted by Gina’s divorce that Emily’s glaringly obviously bad decision is being overlooked?! Anyway, yes, Emily it’s a bad idea. You can’t even keep up with the kids you have – one of them pooped his pants, smearing it everywhere and you didn’t even notice until he told you. That’s probably why he always has pink eye, btw!
This happened, and I don’t understand why. And yes, that’s a photo of my TV.
Also what was that incredibly odd 50 foot bikini butt acting as a stage curtain to open Emily’s scene? This was right before she asked her kid where his pants were. Someone in Bravo editing is throwing some hella shade about how boring (or shitty) Emily is! Or they really like 1980’s TV. But (pun intended!) this is the era of Me Too, so objectifying women by turning them into empty sex objects to be ogled and gawked at is so not ok. Take 50 foot butt shit back to vintage Miami Vice episodes!
After this blissfully Shane-free episode, it’s back to Gina’s Divorce Saga. This time she meets with Vicki, who owes her an apology and if Gina is really extra-special lucky she might actually get it! For this coffee date, Gina has borrowed her accessories from Two Chainz and her pants from Fresh Prince Of Bel Air. It was not, as they say, her best look.
Vicki explains, “Gina cried at my house, I felt responsible… ” Which is good – CAUSE YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE, VICKTIM! You whacked her on the head with your bible. A bible that has a hole cut in the middle of it like a trick book because Vicki + Jesus = Saton is confusing!
According to Vicki hindsight has Donn looking pretty darn amazing and she regrets leaving for greener grass. That doesn’t stop her from telling Gina that it’s selfish to get a divorce because of how it will affect the children. Was Vicki thinking of Briana and Michael when she was emotionally cheating on Donn with Brooks? Yeah, didn’t think so! And then Gina, aged half of Vicki, interjects to explain that Vicki needs to stop whining over spilled wine and dead grass. Maybe leaving Donn wasn’t the best decision, but it’s long in the past now and presently Vicki has Steve, who pretends to like her, is the Insurance Queen Of The West Coast, and makes great casseroles. Speaking of, Gina would prefer them to Vicki’s open criticisms.
Gina Says Vicki Was “Beyond Hurtful” In Questioning Her Morality; Is Tired Of Having To Defend Herself
Since Gina figured out that flattery is the way to Vicki’s heart, she apologizes for saying Gina doesn’t have a moral compass – clearly, she does since she recognizes how amazing Vicki is! – and then sends her out the door with some iced tea until she has time to whip up a tuna noodle comfort food.
In Philadelphia Tamra and Shannon take Sophie to a bar – yep! – where Sophie shares the depths she’s willing to go to get her parents attention. Try stealing David’s new Porsche, crashing it into the garage, and then, after David took her car away, bragging that she’ll have it back within in the week by stealing her own keys. Obviously, David is distracted by his new 30-year-old girlfriend and Shannon is distracted by… Light reflected off crystals? Her blind rage at David’s continued existence?
QVC looks like a gorgeous and professional organization (true confession: Shawn Killinger is my girl!), but I find it very odd that they don’t require their ‘talent’ to thoroughly rehearse before going on TV LIVE. If there’s anyone who needs copious dress rehearsals it’s Shannon! Did they do no research?! Back in the OC Kelly hosts a viewing party for Shannon’s moment. Basically, this is just an excuse to drink wine in the middle of the day and mock Shannon in the company of others, so it doesn’t seem so mean. Kelly also styled Shannon for the spot, but as Tamra points out the blazer is too small.
Backstage Tamra and Sophia also mock Shannon as she tries to navigate working the microwave while garbling about how if you eat one of these sensible healthy meals during the week you can justify the ‘I HATE MY LIFE AND BASTARD EX-HUSBAND’ cocktails on the weekend. So a win-win and uh, yeah, cream cheese that oozes onto salmon – who doesn’t love that?! Shannon loves that! Shannon loves it so much that she bellows it during a live taping that interferes with the studio next door. Clearly, she doesn’t have a lot of bright spots in her life presently as illustrated by how Shannon managed to degrade and put herself down on national TV in only 8 minutes. Tamra did have a point that she should’ve focused on the positives, but cut a girl some slack – like Tamra could do any better! Who does she think she is, Heather Dubrow?!
After the segment, Vicki tries to order some meals but apparently the operators at QVC think “Vicki Gunvalson” is like way WAY too famous as an insurance super-star to really be calling them herself, so they hang up. When Kelly calls back doing her best impersonation of Brooks impersonating Vicki to try to use her credit card, the QVC operator again hangs up. So, someone at QVC is not a fan of the OG of the OC?!
Alls well that ends well though. The salmon or the shrimp with the oozy-boozy cream cheese (what is in that stuff) sells over 1,000 units in the first 8 minutes. No one but Tamra noticed that Shannon’s jacket was too tight – in fact, Kelly and Vicki thought she looked great. And most importantly Shannon is overjoyed and proud of herself. She feels a real sense of accomplishment in this first itty-bitty baby step of getting out from under David’s control. First Salmon, then the world!
Errrr…congrats Shannon (and I mean that sincerely, but maybe next time don’t bend over on TV to re-use the fork you dropped on the ground.) Also, I appreciate that this season these women are moving through problems, not dwelling on them, and largely having fun together.
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF SHANNON’S QVC APPEARANCE – WOULD YOU BUY HER FOOD? SHOULD GINA TAKE VICKI’S ADVICE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]