Last night’s 90 Day Fiance threw me for a loop. I found myself thinking, “Aww, these two are crazy kids just might make it!” more than once. WHO AM I? I don’t know if TLC is frauding us or not (hey – someone call Danielle to get her on the case), but there were more than a few tender moments this week that left me wistfully imagining that all might be okay in some of these fools’ lives. Then of course, Larissa and Leida landed, and we were immediately brought back to our senses. Thus, the trainwreck continues on its collision course, no matter how many beautiful vistas we see out the window on the way.
Before we get to those crazy chicks, let’s review the newest couples of the bunch: Steven & Olga Steven is a 23-year old beach bum who couch surfs at his friends’ houses and works as a waiter to support his skateboarding lifestyle. (Put that on a Tinder profile and watch the ladies swoon.) Although he made some dumb mistakes in the past, Steven says his days as a graffiti hooligan and ladies’ man are over. Why? Because he accidentally knocked up a Russian last summer! Natch.
Olga was visiting Ocean City, MD, for a few months when she met Steven, her summer romance. As it turns out, their three months of fun became a lifetime commitment when Olga found out she was pregnant. She’s been back in Russia for the duration of her pregnancy, but Steven plans to travel there to witness the birth of their child, and to see if they’re ready to commit to marriage. “I’ve got to grow up,” sighs Steven, who’s grandmother isn’t convinced that he’s ready to be in charge of a big boy bicycle, let alone a wife and baby.
Grandma is the only constant figure in Steven’s life, and she is touched to hear that Steven might name his son after his father (her son), who passed away when Steven was only seven years old. Aww. I love Steven for this! I love Grandma Steven too! I know, I know…our dreams of Steven being a sweet kid who’s “doing the right thing” will inevitably be crushed by TLC footage in a mere matter of weeks, but let’s bask in the glow of this tender moment while we can, people. WE NEED THIS.
After Steven calls Olga to check in, we see a final scene of Gram & Gramps dropping him off at the airport. They’re concerned about their clueless grandson flying to Russia – a country, as Grandma points out, the U.S. is having very troubled relations with at the moment. Also, Steven is just generally a hot mess, according to his family. But, hey, he’s got a camera crew with him who have literally lived through machete attacks and drunken Angela tirades in the past…so we’ll hope for the best?
It’s time for Jay to face the final interview for his K1 visa, so Ashley flies down to Jamaica for moral support – and to “get the D every day,” which is apparently all Jay has to offer in this relationship. Taking a page from Fanny Pack Ricky’s playbook, Jay has thrown cheesy rose petals all over the bed in preparation for Ashley’s arrival. He also tells us that Jamaican men are romantic, so the ladies can’t get enough of them. “We have a heavy sack,” Jay reports with a wink, which just caused me to stop typing, put my hand to my mouth, swallow the bile back down, and continue this recap in nauseated. THIS SHOW IS GIVING ME PTSD. (But I refuse to quit it – ever.)
Ashley even admits that she has to give Jay sex three times a day – but it’s all totally fine because that’s what keeps their relationship HAWT! Something tells me that this thrice per day sexytimes will not keep things afloat when Jay lands in Mechanicsburg, PA, and is assigned the role of stepfather/houseboy upon touchdown. (Hello, Luis and Molly 2.0!)
After they copulate enough times to lighten Jay’s sack to manageable levels, Jay heads out to his interview. He’s nervous because he’s had American girlfriends in the past, but wants us to know that this time it’s “real.” He also wants to make it clear that he would never marry someone “fat and slobby” just to get a green card. Apparently, immigration believes him because Jay returns from his interview with a smile on his face and the good news that he passed. Ashley throws her arms around him and they celebrate with a drink. He’s coming to America, ya’ll. Watch out, women of south central PA.
After Jonathan begs Fernanda to forgive him for panty-gate, she reluctantly decides to let it go. After all, who’s couch is she going to sleep on if not this dude’s? Also, Jonathan needs her to be cool because he’s about to introduce her to his circle of friends at a dinner party that night.
When they arrive, Fernanda is immediately intimidated by the stately home Jonathan’s friends own. But they turn out to be pretty lovely people who warmly welcome her into the fold, even though she can’t understand a lick of what they’re saying. Those North Carolina accents are beyond her translation skills!
Then, in a moment that makes me eternally pledge my love to Fernanda, she mimics them PERFECTLY for producers, following that up with calmly defending her home country of Mexico at the dinner table when the group discusses the border wall. Basically, everyone falls in love with her, probably more than they ever will with Jonathan, The Smarmy Realtor who keeps used thongs in his drawers. This girl might be young, she might be in a relationship with a total bro-douche, but damn! She’s kind of the best, right? GO FERNANDA!
So, if Fernanda is the best, then let’s all just go ahead and vote Leida as the worst…mmmkay? Because, yo – this chick be CRAY! I can’t even deal, and I’m not the one marrying her spoiled, entitled ass.
Eric is picking up Leida, her son Alessandro, and her AWFUL sister, Reina (sp?) in NYC because he wants to save the crushing disappointment of Baraboo, WI, for later. Upon arrival, Leida shows us what she’s made of immediately. Let’s just say that if Leida were a cocktail, its ingredients would be curdled milk shaken with strychnine and dusted with shards of glass. She goes down like a smoooooooth colonoscopy, people.
Anyway, Leida arrives. Eric manages to smile (at least a little) at seeing his bride-to-be, then throws Alessandro up on his shoulders to give him a tour of the airport. After initial greetings commence, Leida proceeds to b*tch at Eric for packing the bags into his trunk wrong, for taking them to a “cabin” in PA instead of staying in NYC, for the lowly state of their accommodations upon arrival, and for just generally existing. Eric hopes in vain that his lifestyle – which, by the way, is WAY more grim than this here cabin – is enough for Leida.
Eric also hopes that serving up breakfast burritos the next morning will save the day. Spoiler alert: THEY DO NOT. Leida and Reina sneer at the food laid out before them, with Leida outright commenting that she just thinks Eric should hire a maid to do this lowly work for them. Eric’s like, That will not be happening.
Sister Leida tells producers that if Eric can’t provide the lifestyle to which Leida has become accustomed, there is no way in hell she and her son will be staying. She also tells us that Leida is a nightmare to live with if she doesn’t get her way, which earns her some points for honesty. To further cement the point, we’re reminded that Leida’s parents will actually be flying into NYC soon to assess the situation. Thus, we shall prepare for the Indonesian Inquisition! Yo, Eric – are you ready to be boiled in a vat of oil and burned at the stake? Because this family is about to get all Game of Thrones on your sorry carcass.
Okay, let me preface this section of the recap by stating plainly that I LOVE ASUELU WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND BURNING SAMOAN SUNS. Seriously, this guy is bringing me pure joy every time he’s on screen, and I second the comments of that random woman in the airport: If it doesn’t work out with your
stink-faced girlfriend, call me. (Just don’t tell my husband.)
It’s the day of Asuelu’s arrival in LAX, and Kalani is excited to greet her baby daddy after spending months apart – especially as a single mom. Once she sees him, her eyes light up for a total of 5 seconds until Asuelu busts into a full – shirtless – traditional dance right there in Arrivals. Kalani is mortified by this public display of AWESOMENESS, practically pretending she doesn’t know him.
But Asuelu doesn’t care about embarrassing Kalani. He also doesn’t care about rubbing his naked midsection on the public floor of LAX. He’s just thrilled to be in a new country with the woman he loves, heading home to see his baby boy. Getting there is a bit hairy, however, considered Asuelu is freaked the hell out by LA freeways, not to mention Kalani’s 21st century ability to drive a motorized vehicle.
Back home at the Air B&B, Asuelu is awed by the “palace” Kalani has rented for them. We see photos of his home back in Samoa, which is a humble shack with no walls and a dirt floor. His life is going through a serious upgrade, and let’s just hope he’s in it for the right reasons. (Father Kalani suspects he’s not.)
Before Family Kalani can get all up in Asuelu’s loincloth, at least he’s allowed to have some sweet moments with his baby boy. Although baby Oliver cries when Asuelu holds him, Asuelo isn’t fazed. He’s just thrilled to be with him. Kalani is nervous about Asuelu not knowing the first thing about child-rearing – or life in the U.S. period. She’s hoping he’ll be a husband, father, provider, and teammate. Not sure Asuelu’s up to the task…but his child like enthusiasm is certainly a good sign. Or…maybe not? It’s too soon to tell. In the meantime, I HEART ASUELU! (And yes, I’m fully prepared to retract this statement at a later date. Like next week…)
It’s the day of Larissa’s arrival to the house of Colt and Mother Colt. And something tells me this BFF pair aren’t ready for the Brazilian Bomb that’s going to explode their entire codependent lives. As Mother Colt drives her dear boy home from work, they chuckle about how Larissa doesn’t really know anything about “the real Vegas.” Um, she also doesn’t know about 1) the three cats in prairie dresses, 2) Mother Colt’s desire to sit next to Colt for every meal until she takes her last breath, and 3) THE SLOT MACHINE BEHIND COLT’S CHAIR. (Can we discuss this? Wtf is going on, friends? Please explain.)
“I just don’t want to feel left out,” laments Mother Colt, who fully expects to be brought along on dates with her son and daughter-in-law…and sleep in their bed? Let’s assume YES. Larissa, you in danger girl!
When Colt picks up Larissa from the airport, we find out that Colt may actually be the one in danger. As soon as she marches her little pleather skirt and heels his way, she complains that he hasn’t brought her flowers. “Where are my flowers?” she keeps repeating, barely even bringing it in for a Duggar-style, side hug. DAYUM!
But Colt isn’t about to give in to Larissa’s demands, even when they pass a vending machine flower stand. “I’m not wasting $20 on flowers after what I paid for parking,” he deadpans, much to Larissa’s increasing irritation. After she’s loaded into Colt’s mommy-son vehicle, she finds out what else Colt refuses to pay for: AIR CONDITIONING. Come on, Colt! The flowers I get, but no AC in Las Vegas? That’s borderline abusive to any and all passengers. #WhatWouldYourCatsThink
As they drive in a 105-degree car through the dusty outskirts of Vegas, Larissa begins to panic. “This doesn’t look like my fantasy,” she complains, admitting she confused Vegas with New York, Hollywood, and Beverly Hills. Ummmmm, QUE? Also, she’s hot as balls, so her swamp ass situation is not helping her attitude. “Yeah, we’re in a desert,” says Colt. “Does Brazil have a desert?” “NO!” screams Larissa, who is likely developing a rash under that pleather situation.
Hilariously, Colt doesn’t even try to play it off like there’s any hope for Larissa’s dream. Instead he repeatedly reminds her that “this isn’t like the movies.” Well, unless the movies are about 4 millions tourists in stretch pants and fanny packs crowding around the “Welcome to Las Vegas” sign by the side of a filthy freeway to take selfies. In that case, then welcome to your dream, Larissa! Because that’s exactly what she gets when Colt drives her to the famous sign and stands awkwardly with her while she is slowly depressed to death before our very eyes.
“It’s not in my American dream,” sighs Larissa. “In future, I would not like to live here. In here is a nightmare!” Unaffected, Colt just laughs, because – DUDE – Larissa ain’t seen nothing yet. I mean, wait ‘til she gets a load of Mother Colt and the trio of bonnet-wearing cats waiting for her at home. Oh, TLC. We know you love us when we see storylines like this unfold. And all I have to say is…Bring. It. On.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: ARE ANY OF THESE COUPLES THE REAL DEAL? IS LARISSA GOING TO MAKE COLT’S LIFE A LIVING HELL?
Photo Credit: TLC