If we thought Love After Lockup’s premiere episode for Season Two was insane, then we had no idea what WEtv had up its sleeve. Because this week’s Love After Lockup was even better. By better, I mean crazier, messier, and even more whack. Everything we’re looking for in our favorite trash TV show!
Last week, we met three couples plus a thrupple. Yep, one of this season’s inmates, Michael, has TWO women on the outside waiting for him. Neither woman knows the other exists, which will make for an extremely interesting release day. Before we get to this epic disaster, let’s review the progression/regression of events in everyone else’s tale of prison romance.
It’s time for Lizzie’s release, so Scott, his son, Adam, and Lizzie’s daughter Jazmyne drive together to pick her up. And OH, what a scene it is. Here’s the highlights reel: Lizzie races from a car into Scott’s arms, toddler-jumps on him, knocks him flat into the ditch, dislodges one of his precious few remaining teeth from his mouth. Then, she squeals with delight as everyone scrambles around in the roadside dirt looking for it.
Also, Lizzie is a piece of trash for not greeting her daughter first, who has to wait until this ridiculousness is over to even get an awkward hug. Poor Jazmyne has been abandoned by her mother since she was nine years old. You can see the hope in her eyes immediately fade when Lizzie acts a fool straight outta the gate.
At least Lizzie admits she hasn’t been a mother to her daughter. She tells the camera that she’ll accept whatever kind of relationship Jazmyne is willing to give her now. As for Scott, Lizzie will continue to accept cash, Mastercard, Visa, and social security checks signed directly over to her name. THANKSABUNCH.
Scott’s son knows his dad is being conned, but what can he do? His father can’t even afford to replace a damn tooth after spending $90K on this broad. No one expects him to start making wise decisions anytime this century.
Caitlin is excited to pick Matt up from prison, even though she has to go on a road trip from hell with her “good friend” Kelly to get there. Kelly’s boyfriend is locked up too. In fact, he used to be “cellies” with Matt. Yep, that’s us, learning the lingo. <flicks hair> WE ARE DOING THIS TOGETHER, PEOPLE.
Kelly, The Hater, yells at Caitlin the entire drive about how SHE doesn’t understand real prison wife life. SHE only had to wait 6 months for Matt! Kelly has to wait four more years for her dude. Kelly is an angry elf. Don’t be like Kelly.
To be fair, Kelly does call Caitlin out on her extreme naivety. Caitlin has no frigging idea who Matt really is, or what she’s in for. She thinks life will be a fairytale as soon as her prince charming is released. However, the likelihood of this guy (who’s spent most of his adult life in and out of prison) being a safe bet is, well, zero.
Once Caitlin arrives at the prison the next day, she’s given the runaround about Matt’s release location and processing. We leave her here, driving around in circles, cursing the prison guards and the universe, until next week. Presumably, Matt finds his way to her vehicle by then. And, according to her, he’ll be greeted with a huge hug, kiss, and bonus ass-squeeze upon re-entry.
Oh, lord. I think we can all safely conclude that our boy Clint is a few fries short of a Happy Meal. This week, we’re given more proof of his inability to do life. First of all, Clint needs to be given a credit card, phone, plane tickets, a checklist of his own care-and-feeding, and big boy suit from Momma Clint (Alice) in order to pick up his prison boo, Tracie. His plans to marry her the DAY AFTER she’s released from prison are still in play too, despite his mother’s protests.
Momma Clint would rather he marry a random store attendant than a woman who’s been imprisoned for who-knows-how-what. Sadly, Clint still can’t figure Tracie’s actual crimes out. But Clint, their only child from hell, has to make his own decisions. One of his decisions has involved buying a 1-karat diamond ring for Tracie, even though he doesn’t have a pot to piss in.
As Clint embarks on the journey that will take him to his beloved, his father swings back the recliner to catch another episode of Dr. Phil. He looks forward to the episode featuring his offspring in about 6 months’ time. He also wonders whether Clint pinned a note to his shirt with the address of Tracie’s prison? Because Clint seems like the type who might accidentally human traffic himself into a Dateline story in 3 seconds flat.
We can’t be sure what the U.S. Marines did to Marcelino to make him the way he is, but let’s just be clear: They cannot be blamed for this mess. Marcelino is a self-described good looking guy who can get any woman he wants, but has chosen 1) celibacy and 2) online prison dating instead. Yes, we are supposed to believe these facts without question.
We’re also led to believe that Brittany, a four-time felon, is the love of Marcelino’s life. He wants to be the person who “saves” Brittany from her bad choices, and sees the “woman she could and should be.” I think Marcelino’s friend sums it up best when he describes his reaction to hearing this news: “Really, dude? REALLY?!?”
Also – can we discuss this throwback photo of Marcelino? I. Am. Shooketh.
Marcelino has been writing some rhymes in his free time in between visiting room hours. “When you remove the lust, you got the trust!” He thinks that, as a Marine, he can provide structure in Brittany’s life. And even though she’s had relationships with women on the inside, he somehow just knows that she’ll be true to him once she’s on the outside. Mmmkay.
Every Friday, Marcelino proves his devotion by standing by the romantic loops of barbed wire outside of Brittany’s prison to give her a call. Uh – just wondering, does Marcelino know that you don’t actually have to drive TO the prison to make a call to a prisoner? No matter! This dude has big plans. And taming Brittany is at the top of that list.
Megan & Michael…AND SARAH!
Ok, Love After Lockup, you’ve created a masterpiece of garbage with this storyline. I’m here for it. As if it wasn’t shocking enough to learn that Michael is engaged to Megan, the virgin, and Sarah, the mother of his child – we learn a new piece of vital information this week. Sarah is ALREADY LEGALLY MARRIED to him.
After trying on wedding dresses, Sarah finally confesses this secret to her friend as they discuss Michael’s release. She married him in prison because they didn’t want to wait, and he’s been making her lots of promises since then. He promises he’ll change his cheating ways, for one, and Sarah believes him.
Michael is a man of many promises, apparently, because he’s also been promising Megan the night of her life when she picks him up from prison. Megan can’t wait to give her virginity up to this man. He’s “the one,” she tells her friends as she tries on wedding gowns. She’s never felt so unconditionally loved and supported. She can’t wait to get married to the guy who’s making all of her dreams come true. I SH*T YOU NOT, these are the words coming out of this deluded woman’s mouth.
In fact, Megan is so convinced of her fairytale, she’s spent $12,000 on phone calls to Michael since she “met” him. This tells us two things: 1) Megan is obsessed with Michael, and 2) Megan needs a new phone plan.
The real question, however, is for Michael. What is this idiot’s long-range plan here? Because he’s gonna have some ‘splaining to do on release day! Why would he even sign up to be on Love After Lockup?
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THIS MICHAEL-MEGAN-SARAH DISASTER? WHEN ARE THESE WOMEN GOING TO DISCOVER THE TRUTH?!? WHICH LOVE AFTER LOCKUP COUPLE IS THE MOST ENTERTAINING TO WATCH? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF LOVE AFTER LOCKUP SEASON 2 SO FAR?
[Photo Credit: WEtv]