Below Deck - Josiah Carter Gold Speedo

Below Deck Recap: All That Glitters Is Not Gold

On last night’s Below Deck Josiah Carter‘s childhood insecurities were triggered by demanding and flamboyant guests, and Rhylee Gerber and Tyler Rowland took their relationship next level!

After an entire season of Josiah flying under the radar, it was kinda nice to learn more about him.

Morning Afters on this show are always a shammy of shame. Except if you’re Rhylee and Tyler! I don’t know how anyone who spends like 2 hours a day cleaning and 8 hours a day screaming about how she’s being rejected from manual labor has any energy leftover to be sexing down Tyler, but Rhylee does. She has fought flounder with her barehands so clearly she is superhuman. After 3 solid days of hooking up, Rhylee and Tyler are basically levitating on the after-sex glow as they flirt through their chores.

Rhylee said she didn’t want anyone to know about sleeping with Tyler, but it’s written all over her face (And also his handprint is probably on her butt). Ross Inia doesn’t care what goes on behind closed doors, though, just so long as Rhylee’s good mood remains.

Rhylee Gerber & Laura Betancourt

Also Rhylee told Laura Betancourt, who immediately took advantage of her new friendship with Kate Chastain to repeat the salacious gossip that Rhylee and Tyler are morphing into Rhyler. “P in the V and it’s all on TV!” laughs Kate at the news. Laura is confused about how Rhylee could see him making out with other girls at the club, then sleep with him. Obviously she would never do that. She’s sore-ry but she has standards!

Kate is the only one who understands that Rhylee wanted to f–k Tyler MORE to “stake that claim.”

Kate Chastain & Laura Betancourt

Laura and Kate getting along is a wonderful, yet miraculous thing. Laura believes Kate took her constructive criticism to heart and is now “checking herself.” Kate thinks Laura has been chastened after her warning talk from Captain Lee, and is following the chain of command by doing better work. I say, You say sorry, I sore-ey let’s call the whole fight off. Kate’s forgiveness of Laura is cemented when she compliments her tablescape as “joyful,” and only rearranges 2 or 3 (or 4) floral effects before setting down the plates. Aqua Jesus does exist!

Ross Inia & Ashton Pineaar

As for Laura and Ashton Pineaar, well no more nookie was had. Laura explains to Kate that she won’t be his backup girl, but Kate predicts that before this charter is over Ashton will be crawling back, begging her forgiveness. For now he has no recollection about why she’s even upset until Ross explains that it’s basically because he was being a makeout “slut.”

So the new charter! Well, they are hellacious. Charley was on board last year and was only a 1/10 of the extra he was last night. Kate predicted they would be fun, a little crazy, but mostly standard. Until she spied the pack of wild gays, dressed to the nth in spandex, sequins, and tanning gel approaching the already tacky to the hilt yacht!

Josiah, however, knew this would be bad. The second he spots the preference sheet his childhood PTSD is triggered. In school he was made fun of for being gay; at the gay clubs he was made fun of for not being gay enough. Charley and his friends remind him of his early tormentors when he was struggling to come to terms with his sexuality. When they arrive onboard you can immediately sense Josiah’s discomfort, and things only get worse after they start demanding drinks and complaining. It’s almost a self-fulfilling prophecy as literally everything starts to go wrong!

Charley has self-proclaimed “good ‘dar” and also Diff Eyewear! So he he spots Josiah as a fellow gay, who is in peril and attempts to pull him out of his shell – with drink demands and snarky comments. Josiah prefers to hide in the cabin, cowering, and cleaning up the massive puddle of red wine that spilled when high winds pitched the boat (and it’s contents – including crew and guests) askew.

This means lunch is delayed. When it’s finally served, according to the preference sheet which stated these guests wished to avoid ALL sugar – except for the one found in alcohol – they complain about it not being filling enough. So Adrian Martin begins making a second lunch, consisting of a huge steak, but before he can finish searing they’re all scampering about, leaping off the side of the boat and demanding the slide. Which is perfect for Kate who was over these guests by the first (second) lunch. “Go bother the deckhands,” she orders.

Slides make Rhylee think of what Tyler did to her last night. So she doesn’t even pout when Ross asks him to help set it up instead of her. “Rhylee doesn’t want me to tell anybody, but we banged last night,” declares Tyler. “It’s pretty special to me.” Um actually you banged FIVE times because as Rhylee told Laura Tyler is a man of adrenaline. All. Night. Long. God – these two are so exhausting.

After a second lunch – one also filled with complaints – and more drinks, the guests are requesting a Gold Party for 9PM dinner. Dinner rolls around and only half the guests are dressed to disco, while the other half remain AWOL. This, of course, means dinner is delayed, much to the complaints of Charley and his fellow on-time guests. To amuse themselves while they wait, Charley hands Laura a gold spandex outfit that looks like a metallic condom and requests that Josiah wear it. He sneaks the top UNDER his uniform, and adds a pair of nerdy glasses to illustrate the dichotomy of his two words.

However by 10PM some guests are still missing so Josiah uses his golden shirt as  light for a search and rescue mission. He finds one guest literally passed out on the toilet wearing a pair of gold hot pants. I guess that espresso martini he ordered didn’t work! Josiah, Kate, and Laura sneak down to laugh and argue about waking the guests up before he falls and hits head on the marble surrounding the John. Eventually he wakes himself and they all freeze, caught in the act of indecent stewmanship. Despite tardiness dinner must always be served –  like this is a flamboyant neon neveau riche Downton Abbey. So 1 hour and 15 minutes after dinner was due to start everyone has mostly assembled, is wearing something gold, and is demanding drinks.

After the first course the guests immediately want the second, and like children are practically pounding on the table with their knives and forks. They are pacified when Adrian comes out to explain that all the food is gold to honor their party, but they are back to pissed when the sugar-free dessert is flavorless and boring.

Josiah Carter Gold Speedo

Josiah decides to redeem the crew’s opportunity for a good tip by taking off his uniform pants to reveal – duh, duh, duh: the gold briefs – plus a whole lotta package.

Kate is shocked and delighted. Was that speedo situation part of Josiah’s gold-star butler training?! The plan is for Josiah to go to the hot tub to serve a dessert shot to make up for Adrian’s healthy, disappointing dessert. Now looking like a stripper version of Puck from Mid-Summer Night’s Dream, he’s anxious about showing his body to these toned, toned, and botoxed guys. Rhylee literally shoved him forward. She probably threatened to start seducing him if he didn’t just get over his insecurities. Obviously the guests – especially Charley! – are thrilled with this new level of service.

Ashton Pineaar & Laura Betancourt

With the guests finally in bed, there is temporary peace. Kate was correct that Asthon would come crawling to Laura to apologize. If only to piss Adrian off by winning her back once again.

Tyler claims he’s being “professional” by sleeping in his own bed, but immediately fears Rhylee smothering him in his sleep and using his junk as fish bait, so he eventually crawls back down to her bunk.

When Laura finally gets into bed Adrian is there to tell her all about Josiah’s massive junk poking forth from the gold speedo. Laura apparently has a sixth sense about who has a big one, so she just knew Josiah would be packing underneath his prissy and demure demeanor. I presume she’s also had a sense about Ashton too? This prompts Adrian, always feeling jealous to ask, “What does your sixth sense tell you about my dick?” A: that it suffers from an inferiority complex which can’t be corrected by scrumptious shrimp skewers. Later Laura tells Rhylee that she’s uncomfortable with his inappropriate comments. Agreed! Sexually harassment is not zen, dude.

The next morning the guests wake up early so as not to miss a moment of drinking time. They start hitting the sauce the second breakfast is served and before 10am want to ride jet skis. Kate sends Ross down to explain the safety protocol, and he gets them life-jacketed up and reiterates that under no circumstances should the kill cord be removed. Famous last words, because within minutes two of these drunk guests are flying off the jet ski, which is still running at 80MPH in the, like the headless horseman of the Tahitian sea. And once again Rhylee is on the radio announcing “man overboard.” See Ross does give her the important jobs!