On last night’s Below Deck things got really really, REALLY deep. Like penetrating each other in the bunk beds deep and delving into people’s inner psychological matter deep. All the shenanigans make it hard to remember that just 3 days earlier Ashton Pienaar nearly died. He is still wearing the ankle brace to prove it!
With just 36 hours before the new charter arrives the crew heads out for a much-needed break from the close confines of My Stupida. Ashton is especially ready to let loose and be grateful for this amazing life he still gets to lead. Ashton and Ross Inia have evolved from crewmates to soulmates. They have a sweet moment where they discuss survival and friendship. The most detrimental thing they now have to face is Rhylee Gerber!
You know, sometimes when I write these recaps I literally stare at my computer and think “THERE ARE NO WORDS LEFT.” There are no words left to describe another incompetent, entitled, melodramatic, sloppy 3rd stew. There are no words left to describe Kate Chastain‘s withering bitchiness in reducing those chief stews – however, deserved or not – to the damp, used towels on the floor of the master suite in a super yacht boasting Golden Girls decor. There are no words left to describe how the primaries are the stars of a Made For TV movie about mob bosses masquerading as undertakers and literally the [wo]men in black.
Even their receding hairlines are dyed black even though black is a horrid color for them. Even though they are on a tropical island. Maybe it is a sign to every mosquito that you will DIE a lonely death, with no funeral, if you dare to bite here. Also, why was the only thing NOT black in their entire cabin a box labeled Strip Tease? And there are literally no words for the countless times I have had to bear witness to middle-aged women wearing string bikinis or crazy women penis fly-trapping unwitting douchelords.
RELATED: Below Deck Star Captain Lee Rosbach Says Rhylee Gerber Has Issues With Authority; Questions Laura Betancourt’s Constant Complaints
But I am a professional. Just like Captain Lee Rosbach expects. So, I guess I will have to find words.
Laura Betancourt is problematic. She says “sorry” with a long o for starters. But she doesn’t say sorry to Kate. To Kate, Laura says, “I don’t like you” and “You can’t do your job.” Also, I will spite you by leaving wet towels on the floor after telling you turndowns are complete. Basically, Laura is always, always, always talking louder, louDER, loUDER, lOUDER, LOUDER until even Ross, a person with the patience of a literal saint (or dead person), has to roll his eyes.
Laura basically likes to hear herself talk, however the only people interested in what she has to say are Adrian Martin and Ashton. Well, also Josiah Carter who seems to be eagerly clued into anything which could potentially cause drama with Kate.
Throughout dinner, Laura talks constantly. Kate is already annoyed. Then she snaps at Laura basically letting her know that no one cares what she thinks. After, Laura cries to Ashton about how Kate is publicly belittling her. In return, Ashton gives Laura some “tough love” about how she is making the decision to be affected.
When Laura isn’t playing Ashton, she’s flirting with Adrian; holding his hand, cooing over his food, and engaging in suggestive banter. Adrian is the lobster in the case at the supermarket, crawling around, unwittingly assuming that the giant hands reaching in will take him someplace nice. Laura is this hand of his doom. And with that hand, she takes his, swings lightly under the table. Then savagely bites the second Ashton shows his pearly whites and his empathetic listening ear.
RELATED: Below Deck Star Captain Lee Rosbach Would Have Fired Rhylee Gerber If He Saw Her Attitude Person; Calls Out New Stew Laura Betancourt For Her Constant Criticism
There are no such layered meanings in what Rhylee wants to do to Tyler Rowland. She does want to savage him. But Rhylee wants to savage any and every man one way or another. If she can’t join them she will destroy them. But in the meantime, she will continue to eviscerate Ross. Ross and Tyler are peeing adjacent to each other when Tyler asks if Rhylee is fair game. Poor, sweet, innocently stupid Ross tells him “Go for it man. You’ll be doing me a favor.” Apparently, Rhylee is peeing in the men’s room, or the walls between the two bathrooms are made from the tissues Laura was drying her eyes on. She overhears, unloads on Ross in front of everyone, and then storms off into the night (no one chases after her). And Laura thought KATE was belittling her!
Ross is so used to Rhylee’s outbursts that he just shrugs it off with a sigh. But it ruins the mood so everyone heads back to the boat where Rhylee beckons Tyler into her bed for some “cuddles.” Just a little first base action! That’s when Josiah thinks he overhears Laura saying she doesn’t like him and Kate. So he runs back to his master and tattles. Kate comes storming out to confront Laura, who sits there mouth agape, catching that mosquito that haunts her sleep. That mosquito named Kate. After another pep talk from Ashton, they spend the night in the crow’s nest making out and heavy petting. Meanwhile, Adrian fumes in his bunk bed and plots revenge.
RELATED: Below Deck Star Kate Chastain Says Ross Inia Tried To Kiss Her; Ross Downplays Hookup With Rhylee Gerber
Ross joins Kate and Josiah in their room as they bitch about how Laura is the problem, not them. I do think Laura is a problem. She is rudely critical of Kate, but Kate and Josiah had the same issues with Caroline Bedol which makes me wonder if perhaps, Kate and Josiah – or at least Kate – are contributing to the crazy affliction infecting the 3rds.
The next morning everyone is inventing stories to cover their hook-up tracks, while they prepare for the most demanding charter yet. Which is literally what they hype during every Below Deck episode. This time there are SIX co-primaries. Which is a fancy way of saying 6 friends split the trip 6 ways.
Laura seems to have no recollection of what caused the issues with Kate until she asks Josiah who reveals that perhaps his loose lips sunk this ship. Now he is worried about having to hold the hand of another unraveling third stew. He’d rather just get along to go along with Laura. Plus he’s starting to kind of like her. Laura decides to try and put it behind her and kill Kate with kindness. But Kate is the cockroach of the sea, and nothing kills her. Except for maybe a Cheeto overdose. Where does she get those in Tahiti?
Also, Adrian is pretending to like Laura while inwardly judging her and fuming that he lost out to Ashton. Needing a connection beyond hand holding, he calls his girlfriend for a little reminder of love vs. lust.
By the time the charter guests arrive everything is a big old mess and about the only thing functioning is Tyler’s dick. I cannot believe I just wrote that. See, I told you I am at a loss for words. Anyway, good for Ryhlee. And what’s good for Rhylee is good for everyone else because she is much easier to get along with after ‘cuddling’ with her roommate for two nights.
Rhylee is so relaxed she even apologizes to Ross for screaming at him in the bar. But then… But then… Ross and Ashton have to go and screw everything up by inviting Tyler to help out with the anchor drop. Something they have never included Rhylee in – even though she has seniority over Tyler. Um, perhaps, just perhaps it’s because Rhylee is CRAZY, RUDE, ABRASIVE, AND DOES NOT RESPECT OTHERS’ SENIORITY?! Like she said she likes to be the boss.
Kate is barely speaking to Laura and is so sick of her presence. She asks Rhylee to assist with lunch service while locking Laura in the laundry room. “Something stinks in here,” Laura whines. Pssst… I think it might be your attitude! Kate then sends her on a three-hour cruise with Ashton because she would rather clean than enjoy the fresh sea air and Tahitian views on a tender ride. That is when you know Kate has hit her rock bottom. The rock bottom where Ashton dropped the anchor on Rhylee’s respect for him and Ross.
The charter guests literally look like they stepped off the Sopranos. But they love Adrian’s food. Especially Ellen, the woman in black who is practically Rhylee in Tyler’s arms while Adrian describes the pasta dish he prepared for dinner. Quite a contrast from previous charter guests.
RELATED: Below Deck Star Captain Lee Rosbach Calls Out Rhylee Gerber For “Being Aggressive”; Believes Kate Chastain Over Caroline Bedol
All is going fairly uneventful until Kate puts Laura on turndowns and it goes more like turd-downs. After rushing through making the beds, she scurries up the stairs to assist with dinner service, because as a prior chief stew guest relationships are her strong suit. Now that she knows how to hold champagne flutes on a tray she wants to show off her newfound skill. Unfortunately, after the crappy turndowns from the previous charter, Kate goes down to check Laura’s work. Low and behold, she discovers towels all over the floors and toiletries not refreshed in the bathrooms. Kate doesn’t understand how Laura can criticize her standards when Laura’s standards are… well, dirty washcloths being used as carpeting.
While Laura and Kate are fighting over towels, Adrian and Ashton clean mussels together. Adrian warns Ashton that he will break Laura’s heart because he is all about the conquest, unlike Adrian who is all about the gentle massaging love of squeezing juicy papayas to make women feel like extra-special fruits of a tropical forest. Ommmmm… Adrian, stop being so pressed over Laura.
Understandably, Kate is now really, really questioning Laura’s resume (as are we all). She also assumes she has to train Laura on turndowns. So Kate brings Laura downstairs to go over all the things wrong with her work. Unfortunately, Kate’s attitude also came along for this little instructional session. Immediately Laura loses her giggly zen, and after first trying to blame guests for coming back downstairs after she finished turndowns, she freaked out on Kate for being uptight. “YOU NEED TO RELAX!” Laura shriek-wines, at Kate’s departing back.
RELATED: Below Deck Star Kate Chastain Upset Captain Lee Rosbach Questioned Her After Caroline Bedol Quit; Shades Rhylee Gerber
But Laura is not done. Oh, Laura is never done with speaking! Laura uses her words and then some, but she doesn’t use her brain along with her words. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have insisted on immediately speaking to Kate again. In the middle of dinner service no less! Kate does use her brain so she makes Laura come back downstairs, out of the guests’ earshot. Because Kate’s brain knows that Laura’s voice is loud and screechy in a normal conversation and it will be champagne flute shatteringly loud when she’s upset. Laura tells Kate she’s fake, a poor manager, disrespectful, and has low standards, and Laura is constantly cleaning up Kate’s messes. “You need to check yourself!” she rants as Kate looks on, impassively. Oh, Laura…
I think both Laura and Kate are in the wrong here. (I know! Sue me!) Laura sauntered onto this yacht, hoping to undermine Kate and show her up with her own mad skills. Now she is being spitefully sloppy about her job when she’s forced to perform as a third stew – which she clearly thinks is beneath her. I do think Laura knows how to do turndowns. I do not think Laura has ever been a chief stew on a mega-yacht.
Although I anticipate the receipts she will surely bring to the Below Deck reunion (if they exist). I also think Kate is a habitually condescending manager who routinely and constantly talks crap about her underlings and treats them as just that: underlings. Even Ross noticed, and Ross barely notices when Rhylee is beating him over the head with a tuna while calling him an asshole over the radio.
TELL US – TEAM LAURA OR TEAM KATE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]