Kate Chastain Below Deck Drunk GuestOh my Below Deck where on earth do you find these people? I think it’s safe to say that Helen Hoey‘s friend Brandy is not just sipping on the al-al-al-alcohol, but adding in a little something extra. So that’s where chef Kevin Dobson‘s “extra” went!

Helen and Richard are back, pretending to be foodies who are rich and fabulous. They have brought with them a literal motley crew of cougars. Actually, I think these women were Motley Crue groupies back in the 80s. (Psssst… I think even Tommy Lee quit partying… Maybe?)

While Kate Chastain is conducting a boat tour that doubles as a sort of booze crawl, Brandy is literally passed out on a random sofa. Kevin keeps radioing to announce that lunch is ready. Yes, but Kevs, the guests – they’re not!

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Kate is showing remarkable composure in biting her tongue against all of Kevin’s eccentricities and hypocrisies, I might add.

Captain Lee Rosbach Below Deck

After the guests finish the tour, Helen and her friend Kelly slide onto the bridge to invite Captain Lee Rosbach to dinner. They really, really, really want him to be there. They really, really, really want to make an impression on him. This is evidenced by how many times Kelly stamped her fingerprints on Captain Lee’s ass. I’m surprised his wife Mary Ann doesn’t have an electric fencing installed in his dress shorts. He’s simply irresistible! If you’re simply desperate! 

Meanwhile there is more trouble for Abbi Murphy. Poor Abbi apparently never had walkie-talkies as a kid, a tragic by-product of being raised in the cell phone age. Therefore, understanding these complicated, fussy, retrograde electronics taxes almost all of her available brain cells. The entire time Captain Lee is attempting to communicate with the deck crew someone is holding down the button on their radio, creating a communication lockdown. Ashton Pienaar has to run over to Abbi and tell her to let it go, like Frozen, so they can move forward.

Once they manage to get out of the port, Captain Lee calls the entire deck crew to the bridge for yet another lecture on radio rules and safety. He keeps referring to Abbi as “hun” and is literally talking to her like a child, which I mean… if the shoe fits!

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Below Deck Abbi Murphy

Because Abbi also struggles to comprehend the labyrinthine of putting on a polo shirt! There’s, like, buttons. More than one! And the um, collar thing – does it go up… or down? Or halfway. And then there’s the head holes and the arm holes, and which goes where. And also like what does one do with the waistband? Does it go next to the pants parts? Or into it, or over it? Or does the radio go beside it or on top. How does one fit an earpiece around one’s massive enormous hair?

Abbi’s hair is basically another island in Thailand. Maybe Helen can have a seafood extravaganza on it!? Or use it as a net to catch some fish. The guests have already eaten some of it in their horseradish dip, and frankly, I’m sure Abbi’s shampoo combined with the sea air and salty sweat made a wonderful accompaniment to Kevin’s flavor profiles.

Abbi’s hair getting caught in things is precisely what Captain Lee is worried about when he instructs Ashton to talk to her about putting her hair up! Needless to say with all these little issues, Abbi is feeling bad about herself so her work begins to suffer more. She stops understanding basic instructions. She’s distracted, she’s wandering aimlessly, taking breaks that don’t belong to her, and forgetting what she’s supposed to be doing.

Later that night, Ashton gently asks if everything is OK after noticing that Abbi doesn’t seem like herself. He encourages her to stay positive and keep trying. After another pep talk from Tanner Sterback, Abbi realizes mistakes happen and at least she didn’t get scalped by an anchor chain in the learning curve!

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Drunk Guest Below Deck Brandy

Losing track of what’s going on seems to be a reoccurring problem on Valor. For instance Brandy: she doesn’t even know what planet she’s on! Brandy wakes up from her, uhhh, slumber to stumble around bellowing that she “pays for everything Jeff!” (who is Jeff?), and demands to know where the hell is she?  Clearly, being human trafficked by a sophisticated organization called the Blue Man Group. Brandy tumbles onto the tender in time for the afternoon’s entertainment of fishing for their supper. A supper with the theme of “Seafood Extravaganza!”

Chef Kevin Dobson Below Deck

Unfortunately, Kevin has drastically over-estimated the skills of these guests in presuming they will actually catch some fish, fish which he will then prepare for their dinner. Kevin was so ebulliently optimistic he didn’t even bother ordering any additional seafood. Because Kevin doesn’t seem to understand the “extra” in the extravaganza! “Extra” is kinda the operative word. As Kate explains, he’s only serving the “ganza.” As a result Kevin whips out some CANNED CRAB (who is he, Mila from Below Deck Med?!), frozen prawns, and a random pice of halibut that caught in Abbi’s hair when she was loading the tender. Captain Lee is unimpressed with these menu plans.

Courtney Skippon is appalled. As a bi-weekly seafood extravaganza partaker she is a consummate expert in the towering piles of aquatic life one is to selfishly expect in such ritual over-consuming. Who cares if the oceans are over-fished?!  Kevin’s flagrant disregard of such an important culinary experience renders him dead to her. Next, Courtney will be taking over the kitchen, as a third stews do on this show, to serve Kevin to guests on a platter and call it a Humanfish Extravaganza. Helen would so eat that right up!

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You know how Kevin told Kate he had a relative who went down cooking on the titanic…

Below Deck Fishing

Well, the guests did manage to catch one, lone slippery eel, but they tossed it back just about the time Brandy almost slipped through their fingers and fell off the boat. She literally came to tell Ashton and Brian de Saint Pern that she’s a single cougar, before literally falling off her seat. It’s like Weekend At Bernies, but at sea with Brandy. Seriously, though, why wouldn’t Kevin just call provisions when he realized his mistake? He had hours while the guests were out fishing and all he did was nervously titter about it while defrosting frozen shrimp. As a seasoned yacht chef, one just assumes he’d know better!

Kate smirks that now that Kevin is unprepared he’s suddenly decided a plated supper is the way to go so the guests don’t notice the lack of extra.

Luckily for Kevin, these guests were so drunk they couldn’t taste the difference between canned crab and the freshest thing to come out of the Atlantic seaboard, so they oohed and aaaahhhed, and also didn’t notice Captain Lee‘s raised eyebrows.  Just in case, though, Kate instructs Kevin to come out to the dinner table to explain his fantastic food to the guests. Obviously, Brandy slept through the entire meal. She’s on a passed out extravaganza!

As the guests head down to bed, Helen tells Kate they’d like a late breakfast around 10 or 11. I’m not sure if Kate didn’t communicate this to Kevin, or what, but the next morning everyone is up bright and early. Kevin is preparing a giant fry-up breakfast and Simone Mashile is running ragged trying to figure out how to make mimosas and coffee while the guests demand them constantly.

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Simone was getting it from both ends: the guests want their drinks and were literally following her into the kitchen to demand liquor. Meanwhile, Kevin was following Simone out of the kitchen to demand she get the table set and put out the food. Things got so harried that the deck crew was caught in the cross-fire and Abbi had to wakeup Kate for assistance.

Below Deck Simone Mashile

OK, so many thoughts here! Yes, Kevin is an over-reacting ass who overcomplicated the situation. Hemade things worse by yelling at Simone, treating her like an idiot, and insisting she do things his way instead of trying to diffuse the situation by pitching in. HOWEVER, what the hell kind of second stew on a super yacht can’t make a basic mimosa!?

If Kate knows Simone is so inexperienced with service and drinks that she can’t even work the juicer or the coffee maker without struggle and get the table set at the same time, she needs to have a second person on service. This is only the second charter, so I’m cutting Kate some slack. But, what is going on that Simone can’t do anything except laundry!? It was literally a Monty Python of breakfast service up there. The guests were even offering to service themselves.

Of course since Kevin failed in the basic responsibility of ordering fish for a seafood extravaganza, he really has NO PLACE instructing Kate or her stews on how to do their jobs and should worry about his own-damn-self. Something Captain Lee agrees with when a salty Kate runs up to tattle on him. Good for you, Kate.

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Kate Chastain Below Deck

Kate is not happy about being woken up early, without showering from the night before, to immediately rushing into rescuing service, but damn is Kate not a professional?! She whipped that disorganized breakfast mess into tip-top shape without breaking smile or a sweat. Within minutes, food was served, drinks were made, and Brandy was handily sat down somewhere to nod off in safety.

Back in the galley, Kate fumes that Kevin needs to mind his own beeswax. She wants him to keep his opinions and directives out of her service team. “I’m done being nice. It’s time to do me,” she warns. At least Kevin apologized to Simone for yelling at her.

Ashton Pineaar Below Deck

By the time the guests are ready to leave for the beach picnic, Ashton finds one of them passed out in the hallway.

He has to put her to bed. Then, he hops in the tender to carry all the supplies to a nearby inlet. In the hour it takes them to set up the tables, chairs, and table decor, the tide has changed. The tender gets stuck in the rocks. It requires a complicated pushing process from Ashton and Brian to finally dislodge it.

While they’re birthing a boat baby, Kate radioed Courtney and to have guests and food ready to come over. Therefore, food and alcohol is sitting in the sun while the boys struggle with the tender. Kevin is back in a tizzy about how disorganized service is.

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But alas everyone gets to the beach. Just as lunch is being served, Brandy nods off at the table and starts drooling on herself. Her friends kind of mop her up and push her to the side, but Tanner and Kate are seriously concerned. As a former life guard, Tanner knows this is not good. He has Brandy lie down on her side (in case she vomits), wraps her in towels and then puts a bag of ice on the back of her neck. Helen & Co. keep eating as Kate radios the boat to tell Captain Lee that Ashton and Brian will be bringing a passed out Brandy back in the kayak to get her out of the sun.

Below Deck Passed Out Drunk Guest

As Brandy is being pushed out to sea Helen’s friend demands that no one cries or feel sorry for Brandy. This leads me to believe there are some serious demons and dark times in this friend group. What is up with this woman?! Why would you bring someone like this on your trip? So irresponsible! She needs medical attention, and fast.

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[Photo Credits: Bravo]