On last night’s Below Deck there was a blast from the past when former Real Housewives of Orange County star Alexis Bellino was the charter guest. Guess who was nowhere to be found? JimBlob Bellino! Because Alexis was in Thailand to celebrate her divorce with new boyfriend Drew. Jesus Barbie take the wheel.
Also Rhylee Gerber did not get sacked! Despite Ashton Pienaar‘s attempted mutiny to have her fired, Captain Lee Rosbach saw through the BS to realize that Ashton needs to do his job as boson and work with his team.
Sadly for Rhylee not all victors get the spoils. Even though she kept her position the entire deck crew is now barely acknowledging her and keeping it at minimum civil. Plus Rhylee knows they all conspired to try and have her fired so even when they try to joke with her later she isn’t sure if it’s a dig or sincere sarcasm. But it has been well-established that all the men on this boat (except for Captain Lee) are complete and utter asses, and last night definitely reinforced it!
Ashton reinterprets Captain Lee‘s directive to communicate with Rhylee as continuing to make it known that he’s ‘tolerating her’, then passive-aggressively emotionally punishing her by essentially not speaking to her and giving her the worst tasks. Tasks which also isolate Rhylee from the remainder of the deck crew. Ashton justifies this as him finally treating Rhylee as the third deck hand that she is. Which, yes, she technically is, but that’s not what this is about. He’s out for revenge and to prove that she’s the problem by pushing her to a reaction. Rhylee, for her part, is trying to heed Captain Lee’s advice to bite her tongue and hold her temper, which means going into her room to eat dinner and cry. Yikes.
Um Rhylee is able to wrestle piranhas and rip the heads off giant catfish, clearly she can squash a little guppy like Ashton! Girl get your panties out of your bunch and turn them into a fishing net.
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Then there is Tanner Sterback. Tanner has decided it is time for him to collect on hooking up with Kate Chastain. Strangely, despite all that has happened, Kate is on board with all this. It’s been a stressful season and mama needs a mindless distraction in the form of a braindead overgrown jock! But surprise Ashton is up to his dirty tricks again! This time inviting Molly and Justine, two of the guests from the last charter, to meet them out on the town later that night. Why not Jamie?
Kevin Dobson is not excited that he’ll have to come face-to-face with the woman who insulted his manhood. Errrrrrr… I mean, eggs. Of course Ashton invited these girls without consulting any of his fellow crew and Kate is also annoyed that when she’s ‘off-duty’ she’ll be forced to interact with guests instead of getting the opportunity to ACT like the guests: drunk, sloppy, and spoiled. Even worse Tanner abandons her as soon as Justine shows him the slightest bit of interest. Molly and Justine were just trying to extend their 15 minutes!
Outside the bar Kate and Kevin commiserate about how annoying the situation is, then decide it’s time to cut Ashton off at the head by announcing it’s time to go back to the boat. Despite his minor indescretion Kate still hopes to hook up with Tanner, but he got so wasted that he completely passed out and didn’t even roll over when she tried to wake him up. Maybe he had performance anxiety? Also Kate is so lucky she dodged that beer goggle bullet.
Meanwhile, Brian de Saint Pern is all but confessing his love to Courtney Skippon, who continues to keep him at a cool distance the temperature of perfectly chilled sauvignon blanc. With just days to go before they have to get off the boat I was all prepared to see Courtney crack Brian’s little heart like a lobster tail, then suddenly the tables turn!
But first the return of Jesus Barbie! You can hear Alexis whooping all the way down the dock, and when she appears in all her glorious Jesus-blessed glory we never actually get a glimpse of her face because it is permanently attached to Drew’s lips. Alexis is literally jumping up and down screaming about how much she loves divorce, alternating that with begging Drew to marry her. God – save this woman from herself!
Alexis also pretends she and Drew are not fornicating in sin with premarital sex as she jokes that he has to sleep on the floor of the master suite. Not sky lounge?!
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Thankfully Alexis is so busy sucking face she doesn’t have time to suck as a charter guests, which leaves Courtney plenty of time to obsess about Brian. While they were both on break, in adjacent rooms from each other, Brian texted asking what she wanted to do post-charter. Courtney deflected back to him and he responded that they were just having a little fun. Instead of going to speak to Brian in person to figure out what’s going on, Courtney ran to Kate to complain. As she should. Unfortunately Kevin overheard, then turned around and told Brian that Courtney was telling everyone on board that he wants to dump her.
When Brian asks to speak with her later Courtney shows him the same disdain she shows the ironing board. Brian claims he’s concerned about potentially introducing Courtney to his daughter. Courtney says she doesn’t want to be distracted at work by having a serious conversation. Kate’s solution is to send Courtney on the excursion where she is forced to watch Alexis‘ disgusting displays of affection as a reminder for why staying single is legit. Meanwhile Brian complains to Ashton that Courtney was complaining about him to Kate. Um, the irony is not lost on me, like it’s lost on Brian, that he is a TOTAL AND UTTER HYPOCRITE! He is annoyed at Courtney for doing the very same thing he’s doing. Obviously Ashton blames Kate and claims she got involved, and seems to think it’s worse that Courtney went to her and no one else.
Meanwhile Rhylee is crying as she swabs down the hot tub. ALL. BY. HERSELF. Rhylee, girl, you should be glad you’re alone instead of forced to interact with the Douchebaggery Convention otherwise known as the rest of the deck crew. Courtney returns from the excursion in no better a mood and then is told that she and Simone Mashile will be handling the St. Patrick’s themed dinner all by themselves. Yes, when in Thailand do as Americans by celebrating the stupidest and most nonsensical holiday while you’re also on a cruise with your new boyfriend to celebrate your divorce. Exactly how long did Alexis wait to start dating? WWJD?! I guess she’s trying to avoid eating carbs by eating Drew’s face? Psssstttt… Kevin that’s paleo!
But at least Alexis is such a low-maintenance guest that Kate can even trust Simone with dinner service. Simone has suddenly realized that handing people cocktails is actually not that hard. You just smile, nod, and pass them a drink. It only took her 8 charters and several passive-aggressive arguments with Kate to realize how to do her job. So, go Simone!
Kate throws some green streamers on the table then retreats to the ironing board where she is interrupted by Tanner who is eager to set a time and place for their hookup. Kate wants to keep things casual. Like maybe they will, or maybe Tanner will get drunk again and they won’t. Hasn’t Kate learned from Simone’s mistakes that Tanner will kiss (and tell and tell and tell, and probably also call his mommy)? Maybe she doesn’t care?
The one bright spot on this charter is that Kevin is having back spasms and is in too much pain to be a dick about service. The next morning after preparing about a million different varieties of eggs for the guests Kevin falls over in pain in front of the stove and has to take a serious pain medication. Kevin isn’t sure he’ll be able to get through the charter. Luckily these OC fitness freaks probably would be perfectly fine eating nothing but raw vegetables and chicken breasts. Remember when Alexis had her phony anorexia freak out on a Real Housewives Of Orange County trip to Texas?
While Captain Lee is panicking over what to do if they need a replacement chef, Brian corners Courtney in her bunk to talk. Brian claims Courtney completely misinterpreted his intention. Which I’m not sure how that’s possible when he basically said their relationship was ‘just a little fun,’ then lectured her for going to Kate to discuss his personal business. Um first of all, why in the hell would you text something so serious in the first place? Second of all, how is it possible to misunderstand that text? Lastly, it’s Courtney’s business too so she can go to whomever she wants to make Brian look bad. He’s been acting all sweet and goofy, but now he’s showing his true colors and they are Ashton’s Spray Tan Orange.
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Courtney apologizes, but she should immediately take it back. She should also rescind any affection she has towards Brian and instead transfer that affection to champagne and the sweet smell of freedom that awaits her on the encroaching horizon when she will finally flee this toxic cesspool of a boat. After all, Brian was a confidante and friend during a heinous situation, and he was a good safe bet for an unsafe situation, but let that yachtmance stay on Valor.
TELL US – SHOULD RHYLEE HAVE GOTTEN FIRED? SHOULD KATE HOOK UP WITH TANNER? DO YOU WANT BRIAN AND COURTNEY TO STAY TOGETHER?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]