Just in case The Real Housewives Of New York didn’t have enough tequila during the first night of their trip, Bethenny Frankel decides to free them from their resort habitat to drink straight from the agave fields in the town of Tequila itself! It’s like a Housewives birthright trip, wherein they head back to the ultimate power-source of all Bravo drama. Luann D’Agostino [de Lesseps], champ that she is, rallies from her multiple falls in time to partake, as does power-napping Dorinda Medley. The only question before Bethenny’s outing is this: Will Ramona Singer be murdered in her sleep by the house staff allowed to go?
The morning after Sonja Morgan and Ramona tore through rooms like Hurricane Crazy, the group awakens to a new day. Dorinda and Luann are practicing yoga on the patio while Carole Radziwill is inside demanding bean-free huevos rancheros. Luann is relieved to be alive, and without a scratch to boot! Tinsley Mortimer is giddy over the enormous bouquet of flowers delivered to her from new boyfriend, Scott. She’ll have to stick a pin in that joy for now, though, because there are fights to be had! Namely, between Ramona and Bethenny.
Bethenny asks to speak to Ramona alone, expressing her concerns over Ramona attending her tequila excursion. Ramona has no plans to apologize; she just wants things to go back to the way they were. If by “the way they were,” she means that she and Bethenny will hate each other silently, then okay! Let’s do that, please. Bethenny doesn’t understand why Ramona claims that it’s not a deep issue, when in fact she went for the jugular in the Berkshires. “You don’t like me!” accuses Bethenny, to which Ramona gives one of her classically mangled replies. “I don’t not not like you.” We’re left to decide what Ramona’s brain was doing there.
As the rest of the group goes surfing, Ramona, Sonja, and Tinsley stay behind to side eye each other. Well, most of the side eyeing is done by Sonja and Ramona, who think that Tinsley is a petulant child (yup) and that Bethenny is enabling her behavior (questionable). Tinsley finally walks over to discuss the Page Six story with Sonja, who continues to deny her involvement. Now, Tinsley wonders why Sonja didn’t at least deny the story before it was printed? I still wonder why Page Six is printing stories about has-been socialites not buying gifts for has-been Morgans! #SlowNewsDay
Having had enough of Tinsley’s whining, Sonja finally snaps that The NY Post is going to write about her whether she likes it or not, so “get used to it!” Plus, isn’t this chick ALL about being the talk of the town? Well, Ms. Mortimer, the town is a’talkin. And it’s certainly a step up from the stories being written about you in Palm Beach.
While these two bicker, Dorinda lives it up on her board. Carole tries not to drown as she watches Bethenny expertly conquer the waves. And Luann good-naturedly plays along. Bethenny jokes, “All that was missing were Ramona’s two flotation devices.”
Time for shopping! In the van on the way into town, Dorinda reminds Bethenny of how bummed Ramona will be to stay in her room grounded while the rest of the group goes to Tequila the next day. She correctly predicts that Bethenny will soften on her stance and allow Ramona to go. In an effort to do some softening up of her own, Ramona hams it up in the Mexican shops, trying on some sort of winged-nightmare of an ensemble, then buys it for Bethenny when her credit card comes up blocked.
Of course, Bethenny complains. But Sonja reminds her that “the moral of the story is you can never get rid of Singer!” Then Ramona buys everyone except Dorinda a bag to ensure her new role as a Generous Person (TM). Snubbing Dorinda, the person whose house she trashed just weeks prior, doesn’t seem to faze her. But I’d just like to know, WHAT IS SHE DOING BUYING BAGS WITHOUT DORINDA?!?!?
Back at the resort, Bethenny rethinks her icy stance against Ramona. She talks through the issue with Carole and Sonja in the hot tub, who look like they – along with the rest of humanity – just want this sh*t to end. Bethenny says she’ll invite Ramona to the excursion if she’s on her best behavior, which for her possibly means she won’t publicly urinate on anything. Sonja defends Ramona’s extra dose of crazy this year, claiming “when that woman’s getting banged, she’s happy.” She and Mario were like bunnies, according to Sonja, and Ramona hasn’t gotten her groove back since the divorce.
Hilariously, Ramona is in a hot tub just down yonder through the shrubs listening to the entire conversation. Or not. Then she takes her blow-out on a jog down the beach for everyone’s viewing pleasure! It’s essentially bow-legged Bo Derek on the run.
At sunset, Sonja tries to reason with Ramona out by the pool. Ramona cops to hurting Bethenny’s feelings, and – in a moment of rare lucidity – that it doesn’t matter whether she meant it or not. It hurt her, so she needs to apologize. Sonja praises Ramona’s new middle school maturity. Like an addict, Ramona has completed Step One! (Cue the Lion King music.) She admits she has a problem. Now what’s she gonna do about it?
At dinner later, Tinsley reads the now-published Page Six story on her phone. Having hoped that Sonja would’ve stopped the article (as if she has that power in the press), Tinsley is ready to have another one of her “Tinsley Tantrums,” as Sonja calls them. Everyone just wants Sonja to admit she planted the story, but she ain’t about to do that. Tinsley doesn’t even care if Sonja planted it herself though; she knows the press wouldn’t have picked it up if she hadn’t called her a bad house guest every second since she moved in.
Bethenny wonders when the circle jerk of these conversations will end, which causes Sonja to wonder what the heck a circle jerk is? So Carole explains it, heightening the gross-out factor at dinner once again. At least it breaks the ice and provides an opening for Dorinda to pass out gag gifts to the entire table, including “No One Cares” pills for Sonja. Lol! Dorinda for the win.
Back at the house, Bethenny reminds everyone (including Ramona, who is now invited) of the dress code for the next day. After the group disperses, Bethenny begs Ramona to not sh*t on her trip. “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” advises a teary Bethenny, who could also look into a mirror and repeat that mantra on a loop. Ramona swears she’ll be good as gold, and will keep her flotation devices tethered down.
It’s Tequila day! Sonja is ready to break her (alleged) ten-month dry spell because, well, Tequila! The ladies board two helicopters, which take them on a tour of the area. Ramona is grateful that Bethenny deigned to include her, and Sonja is thrilled that Frick didn’t have to get drunk today without Frack.
When they arrive at the tequila distillery, Ramona has some sort of pashmina/doo rag situation on her head, blessedly trading it for the cowboy hats passed out to all. Then the ladies partake in Skinnygirl margaritas while taking in a drumming/dance show. Much like an elementary school field trip, the group is led through the making of a product – from agave plant to factory floor to Skinnygirl bottle to blistering hangover. Ramona plays the redeemed detention kid with aplomb, kissing Bethenny’s derrière as much as possible at every opportunity. Dorinda can barely tamp down her gag reflex as she looks on in disgust.
As the group dons hard hats inside the factory, they toast by straight shooting tequila from horns hanging around their necks. For Ramona, it’s as close to a sexual encounter she’s gonna get, so she makes sure to enjoy it! Afterward, a dancing horse and children with flowers greet the ladies, possibly wondering why they’ve been forced into a gig at this liquor factory…?
Lunch comes next, with the tipsy group giggling and getting along – possibly due to the thousand tequilas already consumed. Ramona even toasts Bethenny, further cementing her new permanent residence in between her butt cheeks. (What’s the rent there like?) In any case, keep the booze coming! Because these broads are just pre-gaming for the inevitable group tattoos and girl-on-girl action later.
Back at the house, the drunken fun continues. As everyone jumps in pools and dances on tables and prepares to break ankles from impending rope-swing catastrophes, Sonja gets randy. And Luann knows what that means: She shall be molested. But rather than push a tongue-thrusting Sonja off of her, Luann knows one must use the Tai Chi: Go where the sloppy energy leads, grasshopper. Do not resist!
But it’s Ramona who does have to resist Sonja later when she decides it’s time to “therapize” her. Sonja dredges up all of the reasons Ramona should be pathetically sad right now: She lost the love of her life, she’s getting no sex, and Mario cheated on her for a looooooong time. OUCH. Bethenny joins this little suicide-inducing speech to shockingly come to Ramona’s defense. She’s like, WTF, Sonja?!
Alas, drunk Sonja has even less of a clue than sober Sonja, now demanding Ramona just admit she’s not happy! Ramona reacts by rage-screaming, “I’M HAPPPPPPYYYYYYYYY!” Which reminds me of George’s dad screaming, “SERENITY NOW!” on Seinfeld back in the day. In other words, I don’t think those words are supposed to sound like that.
Next week, it looks like the tequila-fueled madness continues, as does Sonja’s rather epic fall off the wagon. And the noble return of Slurinda is nearly upon us too! CLIIIIIIP!!! You know, I’m never a fan of the Ramonacoaster, but I am LOVING this Mexico ride. I don’t want to get off.
TELL US: ARE YOU GLAD BETHENNY INVITED RAMONA ON THE TEQUILA EXCURSION? CAN THEY MOVE PAST THEIR ISSUES, OR IS THIS A TEMPORARY TRUCE? IS SONJA HELPING OR HURTING RAMONA BY BRINGING UP THE PAST?
Photo Credit: Bravo
