Rob was the perfect guy for Scheana. He had a great house in Los Angeles, a vacation house in Big Bear, a job, and a famous model sister. He could also, say it with me now, HANG A TELEVISION IN SEVEN MINUTES. Scheana timed him, y’all! It doesn’t get much better than that, am I right? Sadly, Scheana and Rob ended their Harlequin Romance due to “tricky schedules”. Or maybe Rob just decided he couldn’t hang with a stage 11 clinger and a bunch of thirtysomething alcoholics with no viable life skills. So whatever happened to Rob? Did he willingly ease back into normal life? Is he suffering from PTSD? If the guy was smart, he voluntarily entered the witness protection program and changed his name.
Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was the prequel to the season finale, which means the bulk of the episode was spent finally FINALLY giving Scheana Marie some attention and something to do besides machine gun laughing at her own jokes. Of course Scheana wasted all this prime real estate on Marina del Rey whining about Adam Spott and going on a fake date to make him jealous which obviously backfired like a rusty pickup in a PCH traffic jam!
The other half of the episode was dedicated to Brittany Cartwright‘s family visiting from Kentucky for wedding dress shopping and giving Jax Taylor the third degree. If Jax gets out of this marriage alive he’s leaving with a rat tail, less than half of his savings, and a ripped plaid shirt wrapped around a cold beer can that he’s holding to his temple. Don’t fuck with no redneck daddies! (I’m from West Virginia so I know full well how this goes!)
I think we all know the ladies of Vanderpump Rules don’t always take kindly to the introduction of new “friends”. With the exception of Brittany Cartwright. But I think that’s because the ladies feel dating Jax Taylor is punishment enough.
One of the latest newcomers, Billie Lee, has fallen into the crosshairs of former queen bee Stassi Schroeder. (I say former because I feel the ladies have outgrown the hierarchy of their threesome) And in true Stassi fashion, she is not mincing words.
Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was all about redemption. In a Hollywood kinda way.
Stassi Schroeder is in peril. After years of having bad boyfriends and being able to blame, project and justify her own bad behavior as their fault for having worse behavior, she is now dating the man of her dreams and needs a bad girlfriend detox. Enter Beau Clark: someone who does everything Stassi demands of him, entertains her endlessly, cedes to her tantrums, and accepts that even when Stassi is wearing a mini skirt, she wears the pants. Basically she’s a queen dating the court jester.
But winter is coming and that winter is Stassi’s demand for unwavering sycophancy and the lashing of her evil tongue when Beau doesn’t capitulate. Last time it ended in eczema and tears, but what if someday Beau decides he can no longer take being a battered boyfriend, aka the future subject of a Lifetime Movie?
They could very easily change the name of Vanderpump Rules to Everybody Hates James. Oh, just kidding, the cast doesn’t want him to get any more attention than he already does. Ironically, the constant James Kennedy bashing just gets him more attention.
After getting disinvited from the cast trip to Mexico, James and his girlfriend Raquel Levissinvited cast members to a puppy pawty. Yes, that’s actually how they spelled it. It was actually a puppy shower, for a dog that’s already been born. Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright rejected Raquel’s invite to her face. And it was so awkward. Poor Raquel. No one wants to film with her go to her party.
And then we have the epitome of married bliss, Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney. What a perfect example of true unity, am I right? I picture them holding hands, happily skipping through a field of edibles wildflowers, and toasting each other on being the forefront of #relationshipgoals. So what is the secret to their love that shines so bright? I’m not entirely sure we want to know…
Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was one of the most boring and utterly pointless (re: contrived) episodes we’ve seen in a long time. Clearly this season is running out of steam if the major happenings are Raquel Leviss trying – and failing – to invite people to a “Puppy Shower” for her dog, or Lala Kent having a low-grade panic attack after too many edibles drinks in Mexico.
Like really, how many times can we watch Stassi Schroeder and Beau Clark have the same whiny crying fight with their puffy hung-over faces and snotty tears? UGH. How many times can we watch Katie Maloney make fun of Tom 2‘s dick. I mean, we get it – sometimes it’s invisible, other times hidden behind a mini bag of Lays Potato Chips. And honestly how many times can we watch James Kennedy grovel for acceptance and forgiveness? James let your self-esteem be like Tom 2’s peen – a grower, not a show-er.