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Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies competed for their country in the wine olympics. And it’s not surprising that the wino award went to Pinot Singer! In other news, Carole Radziwill still hates LuAnn de Lesseps! They’re so mature.

Things begin with Ramona hosting a post-London debriefing. She expects everyone will arrive and complain about the horror that is Heather Thomson. Pinot is pleasantly surprised to learn that instead everyone now hates LuAnn. Particularly Carole who is bristly over the fact that LuAnn tried to compare their books. No one even bought that horrible book Ramona reminds them.

Sonja Morgan is still bent out of shape that LuAnn is tall and enters the room first. Really? Is Height Gate going to become a thing?

Aviva Drescher arrives and shares that Ramona – and now Sonja are invited to Miami. And in a fun bravo manufactured coincidence Carole will also be there because some designer friend of her’s has an event or something. As a fun treat, Aviva reveals she has a geriatric gentleman just perfect for Sonja and as an added benefit he’s a viagra sex addict! ‘Oh, whooo is this charming man,’ Sonja purrs. ‘My father!’ Aviva announces. Oh that’s delightfully UN-awkward.

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Heather has arranged for some sort of branding expert to work with Sonja. Sonja arrives with luggage. Heather is concerned that Sonja never unpacked from London, has since been foreclosed on, and is now moving into her office.

Instead it’s just a toaster oven. Brunch on the go! Just kidding, although I do think Sonja‘s motto should be ‘Have toaster oven, will travel.’ Sonja is unimpressed with the branding expert once he admits he hasn’t even looked at her website and doesn’t seem to get the vibe of Sonja In The City.

Sonja rebuffs pretty much all of his suggestions, because she wants sexy! Nothing says sex appeal like a three-tiered toaster oven with crumb tray!

Eventually they come to some consensus about a font and Sonja is confused about how type-face is supposed to help catapult her into Bethenny category. She also hopes they can get that logo cracking in a week or so cause she has a toaster oven that’s ready for production!

Heather worries about who is running this circus. Pulling her business hat on (which looks nothing like the leopard print Grey Gardens number Sonja was sporting), Heather seems to be deducing that she shouldn’t be involved in this malarkey.

LuAnn and Jacques are hosing some sort of wine olympics. If you were envisioning crazy middle-aged ladies racing in heels while holding a full glass of vino, redirect yourself to the Summer By Bravo commercial. No, no these wine games have everything to do with palate and nothing at all to do with fun.

LuAnn blindfolds the ladies and has them do a taste test of some wine. They have to identify the flavor notes. Then they have to smell some stuff and taste the wine again.The trick: the secret wine is Ramona Pinot Grigio. Some wine nazi who takes herself way too seriously administers the test. LuAnn is not the wine nazi.

Heather tries the wine and is disgusted. LuAnn cackles like a witch in response. The song “Witchy Woman” starts playing through my head.

Next up is Ramona, who also doesn’t really love her own wine. Then she does all the sniffing of what I bet are Scentsy oils and miraculously loves the wine. Wine-amona is gloating something awful about how her nose is so amazing and she’s the best wine sniffer in all the world, when it gets revealed that she was bamboozled.

The wheels start turning in Ramona‘s head and she starts to realize LuAnn is out to destroy her. No one effs with Ramona’s wine.

LuAnn is laughing like this is just such a great fun trick. She claims Ramona had a blast. It is both underhanded and devious, and delightfully fun. This smells war for these two!

Moving on, Aviva and Reid hit Miami where they reside in a beautiful all-white apartment. Completing the portrait are two adorable children dressed all in white and their mother also dressed in white. Do we think Aviva is a neat-freak? I was very worried about her serving orange soup.

Aviva‘s father and Reid‘s mother show up for dinner. Papaviva, George, is rambunctious, rowdy, and always chasing tail. He looks exactly like an aging manwhore and his skin shockingly matched the color of the soup. Has he been canoodling with Dina Lohan – she is also that very same pumpkiny color.

Papaviva teases Reid’s mother relentlessly throughout dinner all the while throwing out sex comments and discarding Boca as “God’s waiting room.” Reid’s mother scarcely acknowledges him as Aviva blushes.

At one point he asks the very buttoned up Mrs. Drescher, the elder if she owns a vibrator and she quizzically asks ‘What’s that?’ Aviva no likey.

The next day after family fun, family torture occurs as Pinot and Mario darken the all-white doorway of Aviva‘s sandcastle in the sky. Aviva is fussing about; trying to minimize the things Ramona will complain about. She has chilled both champagne and RS Pinot – which we now know tastes like an awful combination of lime Gatorade and battery acid. I so cannot wait to review this swill for Booze N Books!

Ramona breezes in, ready to Turtle Time, ready to party, ready to relive her days as a sorority girl in the free-loving sixties. ‘I’m heaaaaaar,’ she bellows! She wants to start with wine AND champagne.

Ramona brandishes a thong bikini and tells Aviva to head down to the beach for the Over The Hill Girls Gone Wild shoot. After that it’s body shots and a wet t-shirt contest. TURTLE TIIIIME! Reid sternly tells Ramona they have rules. Ramona no likey. She doesn’t follow rules, she makes them (what rules? how not to behave? how to act like an ass well into your fifties?)!

Aviva smiles meekly and resumes her tour of the white rooms. Ramona has decided this apartment is proof that Aviva is lying about her fear of heights.

Pinot is disgusted to see family photos in the guest room. How is she supposed to make love with Aviva‘s family harassing her. She thinks framed photos only belong on the piano. She demands the photos be removed.

Meanwhile, Mario is trying to conceal the fact that he vomited on the white rug at the thought of ‘making love’ to Ramona. He distracts Aviva by asking about the photos and throws Ramona’s jacket over the puke.

See, Ramona often passes out from a combination of pinot and nervous exhaustion. She doesn’t remember things in the morning. Mario‘s been lying to her about their wild sex life all this time. His version of making love is putting up with her antics on a daily basis.*

Aviva is already annoyed by the complaining. Never a dull moment, she sighs.

Moving on, Carole is complaining about LuAnn. Oh, lulu. See way back in episode one or two when nearly everyone liked each other, Carole invited all the girls to a jewelry show hosted by friend Ranjana Khan. LuAnn loved the wares so much Carole gave her the pair from her goody bag, but that wasn’t enough for the insatiable LuAnn. She wanted more to fill her big pumpkin head. I guess now that her crown is gone there’s an awfully large vacancy. Anyway, LuAnn called the designer’s showroom for some additional goodies. That’s quite bold.

Carole is incensed that Lu would go behind her back to friend jump. And it doesn’t stop there! The husband of this designer happens to be design clothing worn by many famous women, such as Michelle Obama. Well, LuAnn is a countess so she’s practically in league with Mrs. O, right?  So she asked the designer if she could borrow some dresses. Carole considers this obvious social climbing a faux pas. She also considers the behavior odd and classless.

I consider it instructional. I’m going to waltz into Neimans and ask to borrow a dress. I’m going to tell them FORMER countess LuAnn told me it was well within the respective grounds of etiquette and she should know – after all she wrote a book! And when they decline knowledge of said practices, citing they have never read the book, well then I’ll have no recourse except to agree with them. Because really, no one did read that book. But they may have heard her songs courtesy of Anderson Cooper‘s mocking.

Apparently LuAnn believes whatever a countess wants, a countess gets. And so a dress shall be her’s! Bow down minions.

In other LuAnn news she was appalled when a minion called her eyebrows less than perfect. LuAnn and Heather have a frienemy date. It’s pretty obvious Heather doesn’t really care for LuAnn but is contractually obligated to be nice to her. LuAnn could care less about Heather because Heather is not LuAnn and LuAnn only cares about herself.

They decide to stop at Boom Boom Brows for an impromptu wax. This place is the hottest thing ever, but it’s completely empty and they have two open appointments on the rando? Uh huh #ProducerIntervention.

Anyway, the proprietress of Boom Boom examines LuAnn‘s brows and deduces they need help. LuAnn scoffs, recoils, and starts to remind the woman that SHE is royalty. Heather quickly intervenes and says wax me, bitch! LuAnn complains the entire time about the procedure and the redness of Heather’s skin following the wax.

Then LuAnn is forced by the producer (who reminds her they made a contract for TWO brow waxes to be demonstrated and sadly The Countess’ brows are the worse of the two and Madame Boom Boom needs to show her skills) to get waxed. LuAnn pointedly asks her to do ONE so she can examine the difference and proceeds to yelp and wail the entire time.

Afterwards, Heather seizes the moment to fill Lu in on some dishy gossip wrapped up in the pretense of an instructional message. She tells LuAnn shrimpy, but sexy, Sonja was bothered by LuAnn’s impressive height galloping past her when they entered places. Doesn’t LuAnn remember from elementary school picture day that the tall ones are always in the back!

Heather suggests LuAnn should be savvy of this upset and handle it in a passive aggressive but socially polite manner. “After you, Mrs. Morgan,” LuAnn should say. LuAnn cuts Heather some eyes through her red and painful brows, attempts to lift one through the searing inflamed skin, and consents that maybe she will allow it.

Heather then tries, in another round-a-bout way, to explain that Carole felt one-upped and frustrated by LuAnn as well. LuAnn dismisses all of Heather’s points as ridiculous and mistook them both for gossip. Which they were. It’s odd that Heather thought these were intimate and instructional moments on decorum when LuAnn thought they were just talking shit. I didn’t get it. I mean even the delivery was gossipy. It was in no way a heart-t0-heart, delivered kindly, about how LuAnn is offending people. Heather thinks LuAnn is being obtuse. “It went right over brows,” she guffaws.

Finally back in Miami Aviva and Reid are having dinner with Ramona and Mario at some famous restaurant. Ramona is wearing a skirt Mario’s 25-year-old mistress left at the beach house. When Ramona found it, Mario pretended it was a gift for his 50-something wife.* In fairness, it could have been Avery‘s. One thing is for certain – it is too young for Ramona.

Aviva looks appropriate. They head over to the classy restaurant and Ramona acts like she owns the place. Making all these ridiculous demands over the salad. Mentally everyone is screaming just get the damn lettuce and shut it. Mario suggests she have more pinot to distract her.

Ramona eats some cilantro and the reasons why Mario is not having sex with his wife are revealed. She has a complete O face over some leafy greens and an herb. Mario chokes back vomit and Aviva and Reid attempt to hide their disgust with pleasant conversation.

Aviva‘s father wanted her to try some famous kobe beef hot dog. It arrives, juts straight out over the sides of the plate and is basically the size of a small tree. Aviva is concerned. Ramona starts bellowing out some sex jokes about how Aviva really wants Reid later. This was totally a producer trick.

Speaking of dicks, Mario starts getting snarky about Jacques and the wine olympics. He does an aces Jacques impersonation and then Aviva, still desperate to endear herself to Ramona, suggests that LuAnn‘s trick was mean and spiteful. Ramona is on a rampage about how she wants to move past things with LuAnn, but Aviva starts reminding Ramona about how awful it all was and how LuAnn was messing with Ramona’s business. Ramona starts to get into a tizzy and is wailing and bejesusing.

Mario is also egging her on. Aviva claims she is just being a friend and not at all trying to make waves. Or shit stir. Well, if it smells funny and tastes funny, it probably is!

*This is purely the author’s opinion of course, and not based at all on any sort of factual knowledge!

WAS AVIVA STIRRING THE POT WITH RAMONA? WAS LUANN’S TRICK DIRTY OR ALL IN GOOD FUN? WILL YOU BUY A SONJA IN THE CITY TOASTER OVEN?

 

 

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