'Andy! Andy! Andy! Your mom's a liar, your dad's a coward, and I slept with them both – and Juicy, bitch! bleeep, bleeepetey, bleeep, bl-bleeep, bleep, c-word.' Oh was this Jerry Springer we watched last night or Real Housewives of New Jersey? I really couldn't tell because it was so embarrassing, disgusting, and low-brow.
Whatever happened last night, I am fed up. And I am incredibly horrified by the behavior I witnessed. There was once a time – long before many of you wee youngins were around – when grown women who were also possessors of the title "Housewives" behaved like grown women on TV.
And then this stuff started happening and the bottom dropped out. But to draw it out until people stoop to the lowest and expose their families as truly dysfunctional is not what Housewives was ever about. If I was interested in watching Intervention, I would! I'm not.
Frankly, I am bored with the over-blown drama, the orchestrated plots. The storylines that never reveal the true story but always read between the lines. And the lies. So tired of the lies.
And I'm really saddened this is what it's all become. So sit there, smug and manipulative in your $2000 suit, Andy Cohen, and continue acting like you're none the wiser and it's all a little game. Just keep sitting there like the king of fools.
So with a heavy-heart I begin this recap.
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First of all, love Teresa Giudice or hate her, I feel bad for her. It really was everyone vs. Teresa. I'm sure she's done a lot of horrible, vengeful, and self-absorbed things. But which is she: A diabolic she-witch capable of masterminding the destruction of four women's lives and a television show, Or too stupid to spell "napalm"? And for four people who claim they want nothing to do with her and she is dead to them why are they so obsessed with everything she does? They really do know more about Teresa than Juicy or her publicist do!
However, Teresa needs to STOP. LYING. Does this woman even know where the truth ends and the lies begin? Instead of asking her to define 'napalm,' Lauren Manzo should have asked her to define 'honesty.' Does Teresa seriously expect us to believe she writes her own blogs? Does she really need to continue lying about getting paid to be on tabloids? We don't care about that anymore than we care that Melissa Gorga was a dancer/stripper/ bartender in hotpants for one month/ one year/ 8 minutes/ six days at Lookers.
Just. Tell. The. Truth. And that doesn't just apply to Teresa – it includes all of them. Right, Tummy Tuck Manzo?
Second of all: Kathy Wakile's plastic surgery is not cute. The nose is OK, but the lips are dreadful and whoever styled that mop of a weave needs to be fired. I'm betting she went to the salon where Angelo does PR… They also do Kim D's hair. She looked like a contestant in one of those Mrs. New Jersey pageants.
Also not cute – calling her seventy something aunt and uncle a "liar" and a "coward." Teresa has maintained that Kathy is not as sweet and innocent as she seems. I think we just learned that underneath it all, she's just as much of a "Gorga" as Joe and Teresa!
Kathy was crossing both her fingers and toes that if she acted crassly enough she'd be renewed for next season. I mean she's a woman who never had a designer purse until she was 40 and her house is like so microscopic I forgot it existed. Girl's workin' hard for her money!
Jacqueline Laurita showed up, didn't get Melissa's memo not to wear red, and got in that classic little dig about how Teresa wore green with envy. Everything else she did was a hot mess of crazy – including swearing on her son's life. The one who has autism. She is willing to sacrifice his life for a woman she doesn't care about at all, by the way.
Caroline refuses to let Jacqueline speak. She refuses to let Jacqueline answer any questions for fear she won't adhere to the Caroline-approved message. Teresa comments that Kathy is Caroline's puppet. Teresa knows from experience, See: S1 & S2.
Finally after three seasons Caroline admits she had a tummy tuck. Which she apparently didn't think was a big deal to lie about since she didn't want it on camera. That doesn't bother me, but lambasting her daughter on national television for being fat while she herself got herself stapled, tucked, lapbanded, and surgically altered in order to look thinner. I think hypocrite is spelled: C-A-R-O-L-I-N-E! Maybe I should double-check the spelling with …
And Melissa. Oh Melissa. She's On Display, On Display – right where she wants to be. Sparkly eyeshadow and all. She and Teresa deserve each other. They are two peas in an oppressive, flammable polyester, sequined, self-absorbed, petty pod. Pretty is as pretty does, and petty is as petty does. I don't know what Poison Gorga ever did to get stuck with those two. He thought with the wrong head on one count and he was unlucky enough to be related to the other.
Also, I feel like I could almost see Melissa's hoo-ha up her skirt the entire reunion.
So what even happened last night? The appetizer was hate, the dessert was hate, and the main course was hate also. No happy endings (or tasting like fish) there! Good lord it was just shrieking and accusations.
Teresa maintains she never set up Melissa. Everyone else disagrees. Teresa says Jacqueline was too upset to attend last year's reunion because she ruined a family. Everyone else disagrees. Jacqs claims she has a recording implementing Teresa in the PFS set-up.
"Prove it, Bitch!" Teresa snaps, getting the in the first b-word of the night.
Where is the recording Jacqueline? Why does Jacqueline know so much secret information about Teresa? She's either a spy or #producers and Teresa is dropping hints about Jacqueline's secret friend. Teresa also thinks Jacqueline is behind the set-up.
Five minutes in I already want to go home. Gia and Milania's birthday party is discussed and Jacqueline throws in the comment that Teresa grabbed Melissa's arm at the party.
Andy asks Jacqueline about her bankruptcy. She lies about the circumstances and then accuses Teresa of shopping her way into bankruptcy. Why can't they both admit they did the same thing? Andy asks if Jacqueline has a "tweeting problem" and she admits she is “impulsive”. Teresa says Jacqs hides behind her computer to "tweet, tweet, tweet." Pretty much true!
Melissa and Teresa start carrying on about who lies more and how Melissa is manipulating Joey. Then Melissa calls Teresa a liar and says "that's why your family is a mess, because Miss Matriarch wrecks the family."
In the middle of all the screaming and carrying on, a montage of Nicholas was shown. I was shocked by how young Jacqueline looked in early footage. Nicholas deserved more respect than to be lumped in during this gross trainwreck.
In one of the only authentic moments of the show, Jacqueline bursts out crying and admits Nicholas has regressed and no longer says 'I love you." My heart broke. And I cried too. Teresa honestly looks sad and shocked. Teresa comments about Audriana and Nicholas. Caroline starts screaming that Teresa, in her Christmas pageant dress, isn't allowed to make this about her. And there goes one of the few nice moments…
Teresa and Jacqueline's friendship divorce is revisited. And that makes me sad. Jacqueline claims after they made-up on the Napa trip, when cameras weren't rolling, she over-heard Teresa telling Melissa that she hated Jacqueline and that everyone was jealous of her. Instead of APOLOGIZING, Teresa says Jacqueline should have knocked on the door and confronted her. She probably should have, but Teresa STILL owes her an apology!
Jacqueline believes their friendship fell apart once Teresa's family came on the show because Teresa stopped being a friend to Jacqueline during a difficult time and was too focused on "exposing" her family. Jacqueline insists Teresa told her Melissa was a stripper, Teresa denies it. Jacqueline loses it and says Teresa is "going to hell" for being a liar. Teresa really can't take accountability for anything.
Neither women believe they can rekindle their friendship. Fame has changed them both so much. And it's disappointing.
Lauren takes the stage to unveil her lap band results. Lauren does look fantastic – good for her! She apparently works out three hours a day and still diets. So… is that how it usually works? And who has three hours a day to exercise? I thought she had a job…
Andy asks Caroline if it was appropriate to call Lauren fat and an “asshole” on TV? Caroline blames the show for her behavior and gets defensive.
Caroline claims she used to be as thin as Melissa and therefore doesn’t understand Lauren’s struggle. Both Melissa and Teresa are looking at her like 'yeah right!' Caroline denies that her attitude contributed to Lauren's low self-esteem. That was a really palpable look Lauren gave Caroline over the weight discussion.
Teresa is asked if she thinks Caroline is a good mom, she says yes but before BLK and Cafface the didn't have J-O-Bs. True, true. Caroline blows up at Teresa and here it comes: "Blubber, blubber, and blubber," Teresa shrieks. Tummy Tuck exposure time! Caroline FIN-NA-LEE admits it!
Caroline says at least she hasn't had Botox, but Teresa advises that perhaps she should get some. Then Lauren accuses Teresa of making fat people kill themselves cause she's a "d*ckhead" who insults other's weight. Le sigh.
Lauren shoves Caroline back to scream at Teresa while Caroline beams at her daughter for becoming her mini-me. Lauren snaps that she feels bad for Teresa's daughters. And that, dearie, is a low-blow and it doesn't make you look better. I hate when they all bring up minor children – and the Manzos do this every. single. time.
Teresa says she'd like to see what her kids are like at twenty-something – and yeah, me too, actually. I bet Milania will be a bail bondsman. And Gabriella will definitely be a shrink.
Lauren wants to know if Teresa writes her own blogs, which Teresa insists she does. #liar. Lauren keeps demanding Teresa spell and define napalm. WHAT DOES NAPALM MEAN?! And can ANYONE spell it – apparently not? With that, the "new and improved" Lauren leaves the stage.
Melissa accuses Teresa of wearing a weave and Teresa claims Melissa copies her eyeshadow. Um… hello, didn't she know imitation is the sincerest form of flattery? And like, Teresa is the only person in the whole world who wears glitter eyeshadow. She has a patent on sparkly Barbie eyes and she'll cut any bitch who tries to jack it.
Teresa tells Jacqueline she is too "involved" with RHONJ and her and it is consuming her life. True! Tabloid-gate is visited and everyone accuses Teresa of lying and being fake. Jacqueline defends her story as positive and Teresa agrees. "That one was good," she condones, which for some reason made me burst out laughing in the middle of everyone screaming that she is using pity and her co-stars to sell magazines.
Caroline says Teresa "whored" out Gia in a tabloid for teens. Oy vey. That's below, by the way! Teresa wants to know why they are all so obsessed with her and want to be her. Um, I agree yes, everyone on this cast is way too obsessed with Teresa, but no one wants to be her. Or be married to Juicy!
Finally, we are reminded Kathy was even there and she comes in and out with a bang! Oh, Kathy… just wear a sign that reads "Puh-lease renew my contract."
Teresa and Kathy start arguing over who has the more desirable husband; which is a complete joke – jokier than cookbooks even – because no one would want either one of those lap band-needing louses.
Apparently Teresa wants to do a contest to see who can pick up more girls – and she openly admits Juicy would win. Hmm… Teresa calls Kathy “disgusting” and a "piece of shit" when Andy brings up Kathy's comments at Teresa's cookbook signing. Kathy insists she went to support Teresa. Teresa accuses Kathy of coming on the show to destroy her.
Kathy starts pointing at Teresa and Teresa tells her to stop or she'll sue her. Kathy says she should sue Teresa for grabbing her face in Napa. I think everyone should just sue each other into oblivion and give me all the money. I need it to pay for therapy and a vacation after this mess.
Kathy claims Teresa used to call her to complain about her in-laws. Teresa retaliates by saying Kathy's problems with her in-laws almost led to divorce! YIKES! Teresa says even her mom knows and Kathy loses it. "Your mother's a f–king liar too! Just like you!" she screams.
Teresa decides she'd rather sit by Caroline and Jacqueline than her so-called family and vacates the Gorgadicekile sofa in her pageant dress. She is shocked and it might be one of the more honest Teresa reactions we've ever seen. Caroline uses this moment to try and have a heart-to-heart with Teresa as even she recognized this has crossed the line into "insane." She tries to point out that the hurt Teresa feels is caused by being petty and refusing to stop yelling and listen.
Not stopping there, Kathy then goes after Teresa's dad and says he's a "coward" because he refused to speak to her after the Christening. Kathy says Teresa's mom told people she had lap band surgery. Is there anyone on RHONJ who hasn't had a lap band?!
Teresa just keeps saying "wooow…" Teresa then reveals that her dad was there for Kathy and Rosie more than their own dad, which really puts Kathy over the edge.
"You don't bring up my father," Kathy screams until Andy shushes her.
Backstage Rosie is having a meltdown. #storyline Gimme camera time you old troll! Teresa is confused about who is yelling and behaving like an escapee from the mental institute and threatening to kill her. I think Caroline just wasted her breath…
And that's it.
PS – Did Lauren spell napalm it with a 'q' as a joke? I'm so confused and I just need to lie down. Happy commenting.
PPS – Does anyone else think this cast is going to end up on one of those Dateline Real Life Mysteries? I'm scared.
[Photo Credit: NBC Media]
THOUGHTS? REACTIONS? PSYCHIATRIC INTERVENTIONS NEEDED? READY FOR PART TWO?
Gia gets her very own tabloid! Like mother, like daughter! [Credit: Gia Giudice's Facebook]