Dear ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,

Smearing a bunch of concealer on your lips is not cute – it's disturbing. Just as wearing "suntan" pantyhose is not cute. Why do you want to look lip-less? Especially when you've surgically enhanced them already?

I'm beginning to think that Bravo's wealthiest zip code is about to need a MAC Cosmetics intervention. Let's get the stars of RuPaul's Drag Race in there and show these girls how it's done. Adrienne Maloof, Yolanda Foster, and Taylor Armstrong – I am looking at you. 

On the bright note, Splits Richards only wore ONE caftan-y garment last night. That's like some kind of reality TV milestone, right?

Also what think you of the intros. I thought they were all cute, HOWEVER Taylor's about 'working too hard for this zip code' was not appropriate in my opinion. 

So let us begin… Lisa Vanderpump levitates above these ladies like the fabulous beacon of pink glow that she is. She is the goddess of this bunch, like Glenda The Good Witch on Wizard of Oz. And now she has moved to a fabulous new home – far more chic than her old overblown digs. That closet. Her glow-y, plush bedroom. I really wish Lisa would adopt me and then I could throw away all her pink satin blouses embellished by Pandora's bedazzler and we'd be one big happy, wine-sipping family. 


Unfortunately Brandi Glanville has beat me to the reisling. She has cozied up to Lisa in a way Taylor imagined she would and she has moved right in. Brandi gloats that she's the first of the RHOBH girls to see Lisa's new home. Apparently this is an honor of coveted distinction. 

She rolls into Lisa's house carting some present wrapped in a dollar store giftbag and cobbled together with a tacky pink bow. And she also opted to wear a low-cut, nipslip hazardous, backless jumpsuit that went up her butt. I love you girl, but that's too much tacky. Brandi does her 'I love Ken!' raunchy humor schtick – because it is a schtick just like this sudden friendship between Lisa and Brandi is.

Brandi hands off her totally garish present which consists of tequila in a gun-shaped bottled and a condom for your mattress. Lisa touches it gingerly, smiles wanly and wonders how long she has to keep up this charade. You know she immediately raced to get a paraffin wax manicure after Brandi left. Lisa does not do sex – with anyone. Or so she wants you to believe. She and Ken are too happy for such a sanitized union, although I appreciate Lisa's avoidance to speaking about it. 

Then Lisa and Brandi talk Adrienne. Following last year's reunion Lisa has ex-nayed Adrienne from the friend circle and because all's fair in friendship and Housewives she has opted to leave her off the guest list for the Villa Blanca anniversary fete!

Over at Splits' house swoony Mauricio comes home with a present for his oddly dressed wife. It's a Masserati! Bought with all the money he made selling Vanderpump property. Kyle is beside herself with glee – she's over driving a mom-mobile. I guess she's also over wanting a fifth baby. So she hops in her new wheels and cruises over to Kathy Hilton's house where a newly sober Kim Richards and daughter Kimberly are shopping in Kathy's living room for a prom dress. 

I'm glad Kathy finally appeared on RHOBH in order to promote her own boutique – none of the objects we saw were particularly attractive though! We'll get back to Sisters Richards drama in a minute. First let's talk Adrienne and Paul Nassif.

Paul and Adrienne, appearing normal, are meeting for dinner and Adrienne is annoyed that Paul exists. It was a little awkward seeing them together in light of all the recent drama. Their relationship has always been odd and with the very public divorce filled with horrible (and odd) accusations, it's even more uncomfortable to watch. 

In the middle of the the most tepid couples dinner ever, Ms. Taylor calls and after Paul "coincidentally" asks Adrienne to put it on speaker phone, Taylor asks Adrienne to come shopping with her to pick out an outfit for Lisa's party. The party Adrienne was NOT invited to – and didn't even know about. Oops! C'mon, tell me that wasn't producer driven?

Taylor's reason for needing help? She gained 10 lbs, can't fit into any of her cocktail dresses, can no longer afford a stylist, plus she and Adrienne have similar tastes in clothes. They do? Last time I checked Taylor wasn't dressing up like a Long Island mafia bride whose wardrobe is entirely composed of sequined spandex and gold lame? Yeah, so anyway, Adrienne agrees to go shopping. And Taylor sort of tries to make her nude-concealer smeared lips curve into a frown cause she feels bad that she spilled the beans on Lisa's party. 

And finally we meet Yolanda. Yolanda was once married to RHOBH extra Mohamed Hadid and is now married to musical god David Foster. She's an ex-model, a mom of three, and a demanding wife who requires daily reassurance via love notes. She seems alright if a little rigid and stiff. Yolanda also doesn't drink and seems very content with her life – and herself. 

Now back to those Richards! Kim looks fantastic – her skin looks so much younger. She's glowing and healthy. She reveals that her kids took her to rehab and she's glad she went. She's very close with Kathy, but her relationship with Kyle is still fractured and she's not ready to fully forgive. 

Unfortunately Kim is still awkward and nervous on camera as she rambles and makes goofy comments all through lunch. Then as they're doing the matronly dress fashion show under the pretense of Kimberly finding a prom dress, Splits waltzes in. SURPRISE! Kim does not look thrilled. Neither does Kathy. Or Kimberly for that matter. Kyle is obstreperous. She plops down and enthuses about how grown up Kimberly is and doesn't seem at all perturbed by the awkwardness. 

Then Kim says Kimberly's boyfriend – who is taking her to prom – is twenty, but they're saving themselves until marriage! BWAHAHA! Kyle is like, 'Uuuuuhhhhh… what? Seriously, Kim? Really, Kim? Gimme a mother-effing break.' and starts suggesting some choice "afterprom" activities will likely take place and they probably won't be of the dinner and stargazing variety. Kim is in disbelief. At her prom she got kissed for the first time! 

Apparently sobriety didn't make Kim less delusional. Her teen daughter is dating a twenty-year-old, but they're just holding hands… 

And since they are such very, very good friends Lisa is make her first ever pilgrimage to Brandi's house. What do you bet she was carrying a pearl-handled, diamond-studded pistol in her purse – just in case any ruffians tried to steal her Louboutins. Lisa gingerly walks up the walkway and I have to say, Brandi's house while cute and normal is ummm… different from the RHOBH standards we've become accustomed to. They sit there awkwardly drinking Perrier and Kyle calls with Portia on the phone. It was a little like they were waiting for the call… 

Portia is the cutest thing ever and she wants to invite all the ladies to her fourth birthday party this weekend. It's our first speaker phone invite of the season! I love those. 

Brandi says hello and Kyle compulsorily invites her. Lisa instructs Brandi to go and be nice. Unfortunately Portia is unable to get ahold of Aunt Kim – minus the booze she's still the same old girl, Kyle laments. These two have a ways to go to rebuild their relationship. 

Taylor and Adrienne meet up to go shopping and of course it's uncomfortable. Adrienne in general is the aloof Maloof and her friendship with Taylor is about as real as both their lips. Taylor really needs to rehire that stylist. The first thing she puts on is skirt shaped like a plastic bag complete with a drawstring waist, which will be good to accommodate her newly obese figure. If that's Taylor with 10 more lbs she needs to gain about 25 more. She does look good though. 

The ladies awkwardly shop. Adrienne is hurt that Lisa snubbed her and thinks it should all be in the past. She wants to move on. Taylor says she's rebuilding her life since losing Russell and everyday is a new day. Hopefully she's a happier girl this season. 

Adrienne reveals Paul wants to move half his practice to NYC and she wouldn't miss him at all if he was gone half the year. Yikes. These two – meaning Adrienne and Taylor – are already a hot mess this season. 

It's the night of Villa Blanca's big hurrah. And the entire staff is wearing next to nothing and angel wings? Nonetheless, it looks fabulous. Oh, Villa Blanca. So lovely, so elegant – too bad the people inside can't behave!

As the ladies filter in, Yolanda is very sweet to Kim and supports her by saying they can be in a "water club" together. Lisa seems glad to see Kim but poor Kim is a nervous wreck. I was kinda on the fence with Yolanda until that scene and then I realized she's probably a nice person who will hopefully remain above the trashy fray this season. She seems very self-aware. 

Brandi is introduced to Yolanda and makes her first gaff of the season. She immediately points out that Yolanda was once married to Mohamed and that she, Brandi, knows him because she's slept with everyone in Beverly Hills. That's a way to make a first impression! Lisa laughs awkwardly and wanders away. Yolanda practically ran. I was distracted by the SATC flower stapled to the side of Brandi's head. This cast! Please – a fashion intervention! 

Kyle accosts Kim to let her know about Portia's birthday. Kim is evasive saying she might be able to come, but maybe not, like she wants to but her kids are all home, but she really loves Portia and she wants to but she's moving just so busy, so maybe but don't count on her cause she wants to be there, but she just doesn't know if she can. Kim… stop.  Just show up at Portia's freaking party. Enough excuses.

Later the sisters resume bickering in the corner and Kyle wonders if the tension in their relationship will ever disappear. Apparently Kyle was mad at Kim over her drinking and it caused problems. But Kim is resentful over other things and that's still causing problems. I believe they will work it out with time. 

Taylor, wearing rainbow bright tights and some sort of glittery gray dress arrives and immediately clumps together with Kyle and Kim in the mean girls clique. Brandi comes up to say hello and Kim suddenly needs to find new BFF Yolanda. Brandi believes that Kim still blames her for her addiction issues and she is not taking responsibility for that. I appreciate this side of Brandi because underneath the trying too hard is a person who is smart and insightful. 

At that exact time Yolanda wanders over and she and Kyle discover they have the same birthday. Like, OMG! That's like the most exciting thing ever. Secret twins. Yay, the birthday club! They can go to Pizza Hut together and get free personal pan pizzas! They are both Capricorns. And poor Brandi is a Scorpio which explains her sleeping with everyone in BH. Kyle and Taylor both sneer disdainfully and announce they are not surprised by this admission and it's probably true. It probably IS true. 

In the middle of all of this, a very unwelcome arrival appears. Adrienne, begging for forgiveness from Lisa because she doesn't hold grudges, has sent flowers. Now, I say flowers, but it was really an entire dead tree with some oddly placed bouquets glommed on top of it – it looked like a habitat for gnomes. 

Lisa was not impressed but she was confused and slightly appalled. Quel uncouth. I kept waiting for something to jump out of that thing it was so big. Like it was a Trojan Horse (I'm using this analogy a lot lately for HW) and all the sudden killer Botox needles would descend upon the party. 

Aaaahhh… That awkward moment when you pillage the rainforest to send tree bark to a person who hates you at an event you aren't invited to. Talk about an enormous faux pas! 

And that's how things end, with Taylor and her BFF Dwight standing around the desiccated forest making fun of Adrienne and snickering at how ugly it is. The flowers matched Taylor's tights perfectly. Just keep drinking pretty cocktails Lisa – you can donate the "bouquet" to the arbor foundation tomorrow. 

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