Last night was the final episode of Real Housewives of Miami. It went the way all reunions go with cocktail dress clad and overly spray-tanned women screaming at each other over an utterly useless Andy Cohen. We were spared an Elaine Lancaster appearance. We were rewarded with a Mama Elsa appearance. And we all got tired of Ana Quincoces making herself sound silly by taking repeated jabs at Lea Black's age.
C'mon now – if you're gonna rip someone apart you have to be clever about it. (See: Leakes, NeNe, "Wigs" "Trashbox" "Close Your Legs To Married Men!") That's just elementary, like Housewives 101.
Things begin with a drama in review. And that unfortunate drama is Joe Francis and Joanna Krupa's reported unsavory past. Joanna clears up that she was never in Girls Gone Wild but instead hosted an infomercial with Snoop Dog. She also insists she did not "sleep" or "associate" with criminals.
Ana leaps in to accuse Lea of bringing Joe to the party as a "prop" to set Joanna up. Lea denies it, shrieking that Ana is making yet another false accusation and suggests Ana stick to cooking where hopefully she can keep her ingredients straighter than her facts. I wish Lea had said ingrediences.
Ana keeps speaking over everyone and answering for them. Annoying. Shht! The drama over the bitchslap, broom stick wielding, boob-exposing meltdown continues. Yes, let's talk about this some more. It was actually a productive conversation. Adriana de Moura apologized for smacking Joanna and she was disgusted for herself for getting physical. Apparently Adriana was depressed for days following the incident.
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Joanna admitted that her behavior was spurned by having too much to drink and that she seriously regrets stalking Adriana. "That night was from hell and I seriously wish it never happened," she explained.
Poor Fembot Fakenstein finally gets acknowledged and she is annoyed that everyone acted like trashy hookers on the Girls Gone Wild set when she was trying to like have a classy party to show off the amazing boob reproductions of her husband. And no one apologized for acting like it was their first time out of the house in years. She has a point. Even if your party is hedonist bedlam in theme, maybe the least people could do was keep their cleaning products to themselves.
Andy turns the accusation lasers onto Karent Sierra and how her interview about brainless botox whores started it all. Karent reiterates that the blogger said it not her (which the blogger has repeatedly confirmed and can be verified by reading the actual article), so shockingly Adriana actually apologizes.
Enough about this though – I'm over it. We saw your boobs and now there is nothing left to the imagination. Alls well that ends well – with an apology!
Joanna insists she was not a call girl and explains that photos were doctored making it look like she worked for an escort service. This also happens to Lisa. This is common? Joanna admits she was not proud of her tickle fetish video and it was a rookie mistake. "The only nudity I've ever done is for Playboy," Joanna maintains.
Lea decides this is the time to enact a new Housewife policy. If you're going to make accusations against other Housewives you should be "under oath" to protect the truth. Oh man would that be a game changer! Can you imagine if certain Housewives were forced to tell the truth (I am looking at you Kim Z, Teresa & Melissa, Taylor, and Gretchen!).
Ana, knowing this missile is directed at her, starts claiming Lea set up the whole Joanna vs. Joe debacle at Lisa's party. She insists Lea knew he was going to make those comments. Her basis for this belief: Joe Francis told her that.
I'd like to take this moment to discuss the phenomena that is Joe Francis. Every single Housewife on this show (save for Lea) calls him the biggest liar, famewhore, scheming criminal who wouldn't know the truth if it sucked his dick UNLESS he's having the conversation with them personally and imparting the wisdom of the ages, the facts of all facts. I mean c'mon – he's a swindler. A con-man and a liar. He's telling all of you what you want to hear in the hopes you'll pull a Krupa, aka sleep with him to get something you want. No wonder the man is successful in the exploitation business, he can manipulate women like no other!
<<THANK YOU JESUS FOR SPARING US A JOE FRANCIS APPEARANCE!>>
Later Karent reveals just why she quizzed Joe about his alleged hook-up with Joanna. Apparently Joanna KNEW Joe was coming to the party (this reeks of a producer set-up) and was complaining that he always tells people they slept together. Karent was wandering around the party looking for drama like she was on a scavenger hunt and the clue was "shit stir" when low and behold she overheard Joe telling people he got busy with Joanna!
Karent, out of the decency of her own heart, immediately reported back to Joanna, who instructed her to ask Joe if he slept with her. Karent exonerates herself from gossiping under the heading of "spreading information" and loyalty to Joanna.
So anyway, Ana is holding up Joe's account as truth and I'm laughing at the TV. Lea insists she had no idea Joe knew Joanna and then tells Ana she's the most boring person on the show. Ouch! But you know what: Truth hurts, dearie! But not as much as looking at those orange sparkle hooters waitress spraytanned legs for an hour!
Ana, who is in her late forties, tells Lea the show is not called "The Old & The Restless" and advises her to go home and take her geritol. Whatever points she has that are valid against Lea are quickly underscored by her cheap age comments. Andy snickers like a pathetic schoolgirl and everyone else grimaces.
At one point in the reunion Andy, puppetmaster extraordinaire of famewhore crazy, pipes up to inform the ladies that, "We should encourage restraint." Which is why he's always grinning manically while they peck at each other like Alfred Hitchcock's Birds, only with less rationale. That might just be the most ironic thing I've ever heard on a Real Housewives anything. Andy who made his money and fame counting on these women acting crazy and going overboard is recommending "restraint." And to you as well, sir!
Then Alexia Echevarria takes the sofa. She's wearing a witches Halloween costume and her boobs are literally exploding out of it like two poisoned apples. It didn't exactly go well with all the crying. I was so distracted by the get-up and worried the boobs would pop out that I sort of forgot what she was saying.
She discusses Frankie's progress and he is doing great which is wonderful news. Frankie is walking, talking, and will be starting school in the fall. Truly amazing.
Alexia also discusses Peter Rosello and the disturbing video of him assaulting a homeless person. Alexia does not condone Peter's actions but believes he snapped as a result of not dealing with his brother's accident. I know a lot of people perceived this as her defending Peter, but she is his mother. I think she is deeply upset and disappointed by his actions, but she still loves her son despite and wants to feel there is a reason he would behave so cruelly. For that I'm not going to judge too much.
Karent and Alexia then get into it over whether or not she was supportive and reached out. Apparently Rodolfo was visiting the hospital while he was maybe dating Karent. And Karent didn't call or text. Wait actually only once or twice. No she didn't, yes she did. So Alexia claims Karent never reached out then she did once or twice, but it didn't matter. I think this should be scrapped. Why would Alexia even care about this when her son was possibly dying? Seriously girls?
And of course that means it's time to talk about Rodolfo. Alexia put Rodolfo on the cover of Venue Magazine and apparently that makes her the carte blanche expert on his life. Actually it probably does since sleuthing gossip is a major part of the job.
Alexia explains her annoyance with Karent stems from social acquaintanceship gone wrong and because she needs "clarification" about the nature of Karent's relationship with Rodolfo. It would appear that the ladies – stemmed by Rodolfo's own gossiping – came to the conclusion that Karent and Rodolfo pulled a KenWalter and conspired together to act as a couple for the show.
And behind her back, Rodolfo was telling people (OK, Ana) that Karent was stalking him and using a close relationship with his mother and sister to trail him around Latin America (and Miami) pretending to be his girlfriend. He also apparently compared Karent to "Fatal Attraction" and used her obsessing to scare off another potential suitor, Ana, herself!
Ana understood that it wasn't possible that Karent and Rodolfo were an item because Mr. Telenovela Star likes younger women, not the over-the-hill ones like the 38-year-old Karent!
Alexia is asked about exposing Rodolfo's cheating. The intent behind the exposure is hotly debated and Lisa is accused of wanting to be in the middle.
Poor Lisa tries to get a word in edgewise and is forced to resort to screaming, jumping up and down, stamping her foot, and wailing that someone needs to pay attention to her right! now! They really did need to let poor Lisa speak. All the biddies on the other sofa were so busy trying to defend themselves and their malicious actions that no one was able to even comprehend what was going on. Ana and Alexia are so freaking so defensive.
In the next breath there is much debate of the possible gayness of Rodolfo and Alexia's husband. I'm confused; one minute Rodolfo is chasing the tail of the barely legal girls and the next he's a closeted homosexual using Karent as a dental bib?
There are also apparently circulations that Marysol Patton married Philippe "for the show," oh and Roy Black is subtly accused of being a cross dresser by Ana. The point is that there rumors about every marriage and not just Karent's, so why was Karent's relationship the subject of such hot debate? I mean we all know Joanna isn't the only pussy in Miami, right Romain!
Lea is upset about the rumor mongering. The words of the reunion are "gratuitous" "character assassination" and "false accusation." Marysol points out that it's exactly like when Lea made the "joke" that Marysol's marriage was a green card marriage. Lea says the reason everyone believes it's fake is because the day the S1 cameras stopped rolling Marysol's hubby left and she didn't hear from him for months! Yikes.
Marysol instead would prefer to believe her marriage was not a famewhore arrangement, but because she "sucks as a wife." Ok, Marysol – seriously? That's silly. Just admit you were bamboozled.
Then it's Fembot's turn to have her relationship/past question, most specifically what she was doing in Vegas before ol' Lenny Wonderboobs came along. And no she was not pulling a Jaq Laurita at the Twisty Nipple Cabaret, she was just a promotional model. Aaahhh… that's what they all say! Lea warns that "some people" might need to hire a PI to confirm this, right Ana?
Lisa also discusses her stint as a Playboy model. Fembot regrets her decision to take her panties off for a gagging geriatric Hugh Hefner, meanwhile it's the crowning achievement of Joanna's life. She couldn't be more proud of her tatas being on display. Well, hey – different strokes, right?
Alexia departs and is switched out with the magical Mama Elsa. Finally! We see a brief snippet of cut footage where a tipsy Marysol needs a bathroom break before she pees herself. I'm really surprised she didn't borrow a pair of Lea's depends. How did Ana miss that opportunity to insult Lea's extremely advanced age.
Speaking of elderly, Mama Elsa needs to school Miss Ana on those remarks. I hope she received some scathing phone calls as a result of the reunion comments.
Elsa says the energy in the room is very false and no one's true heart was in their statements. You mean, the apologies weren't sincere! Well, I never…
Elsa labels Joanna as a "fresh young woman with no respect for people." Yikes and warns her that she's a "good friend but a very bad enemy!" When Karent tries to defend Joanna insisting she never called a Elsa prostitute (she called her the devil) Elsa points a croney finger at Karent and snaps "I'm not talking to youuuuu number 3!" BWHAHAHA! Karent kept on smiling.
Elsa still loves Lea but she is disappointed by her comments towards Marysol. One person Elsa doesn't love is Thomas Kramer. They're so yesterdays news. As over as Madonna, whom Mama Elsa describes as not worth her time.
Andy asks Elsa about her plastic surgery. Elsa reveals that she got a bad face lift and the doctor botched the job. She thought about fixing it but is afraid.
Elsa denies calling Obama an "animal" claiming she loves Michelle. Elsa forgets things though. I mean she forgot she was married because her divorce is not final. Marysol had to remind her that she was still a Mrs.
As we end there is has been much hullabaloo about what exactly is behind all the venom Ana is lobbing at Lea. Now Lea commented on Ana's daughter's discussing anal sex with their parent's, saying it was "awkward." It was awkward and Lea probably shouldn't have said that. In response to this and some other jabs that were reportedly made around town Ana started looking for ways to discredit Lea as payback.
Allegedly the information in the folder she was passing around was tax documents from the Black Gala which allegedly exposed that Lea's organization doesn't raise nearly as much money as Lea portends it does. Ana was trying to expose that it was more of a vanity project to bolster Lea and Roy's reputation.
Bravo decided not to show the info because it allegedly could not be verified and because Lea and Roy raised serious objections citing the validity of their charity and how it could destroy the work it does for the community.
Also another bit of gossip: There was some speculation that Bravo removed the ladies reunion blogs as only Lea's was up. According to local entertainment writer Daisy Olivera some of the ladies refused to write blogs about the reunion!
"Sources tell me a few housewives chose not to write blogs about the reunion! #shellshocked? #PTSD lol," Daisy tweeted.
In the end Lea reminisces that people come into your life for a reason, a season, a lifetime and while she may be able to forgive she can't forget. She tears up and things end there on a sober note.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
SO – WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE SEASON? DO YOU THINK THEY'LL BE BACK FOR A S3? WHO CAME OUT ON TOP/ON BOTTOM DURING THE REUNION?