First, Asa Soltan Rahmati and Reza Farahan promote themselves to king and queen of the group and act all That '70s Show funky crazy in the car. Asa better put her hands on the wheel of her Mercedes-Benz or she's going to have to demolish her house to afford a new car. #brokepeopleproblems Speaking of Asa's broke ass, she decides that this is the year of the Persian Pop Priestess, vowing to finally make money with her music. Please forgive me if I don't hold my breath.
Mercedes "MJ" Javid organizes a lunch date between Asa and Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi. Before Asa arrives, GG and MJ order drinks and appetizers. GG orders cheese fries, hummus with pita chips, the triple carne asada tacos, and a cocktail. Goodness gracious! Where does she put it all?
Once they're cocktailed up, GG asks MJ why she excluded her – instead of Asa – from her birthday party. MJ is surprised that GG even has to ask, saying, "You were the one who got physically violent with Asa. What about the fact that she doesn't feel physically safe?" GG tells MJ that she respects her decision, promises to get therapy, and hopes the upcoming trip to Cabo allows her the opportunity to mend broken relationships. Foreshadowing….
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MJ toasts to breakthroughs and therapy… and wonders why Asa isn't there yet. In the end, Asa bails on the fix-it lunch, explaining, "I def have put enough energy into my friendship with GG … You have to give love & respect to receive it. She doesn't deserve neither from me." MJ is mad and says she needs to "f-king get drunk" as a result.
So, apparently, Mike has invited GG to Cabo. And Reza is not happy about it, so he calls an "emergency family meeting" with Asa, Mike, and MJ. Mimosas not optional. Reza declares: he and Asa will not
play jump rope go to Mexico with GG at the playground. Mike is caught off guard and mostly silent. Asa rolls her eyes and makes faces.
When MJ gets defensive, Reza ends the discussion. He's all like, you either go to Cabo with Asa and me or you go to Cabo with GG. Not surprisingly, Mike votes against GG. To the camera, MJ complains about Asa and Reza appointing themselves "Mom and Dad" of this "family meeting." Exactly. I'm over their self-important attitudes…. I'd rather take my chances with GG and Crispy.
MJ eventually buckles under the pressure and toasts to no GG in Cabo. However, when Mike verbally includes Lilly Ghalichi and Sammy Younai, MJ freaks out. "F-k no! Are you guys on crack? No Lilly, no Lilly." To the camera, Reza is irritated by MJ's reaction, adding, "She's just going to have to get over it and get used to it, because Lilly is coming on this trip." What the hell? Why was it that MJ has to "get over" Lilly going to Mexico but Reza and Asa aren't forced to do the same with GG? For the record, I'm neither #TeamAsa nor #TeamGG. But I definitely cannot stand passive aggressive / sanctimonious hypocrites.
The spineless jellyfish (aka Mike) calls GG to tell her she has been uninvited. GG reminds them that she tried to make amends with Asa, to no avail, adding, "Shouldn't my friends be supportive and try to see a way past it as opposed to constantly excluding me from everything?"
GG, Leila, and Papa Gharachedaghi meet for lunch. Remember when GG said she'd like to cut Leila's face? Well, GG thinks Leila owes her an apology, and Daddy Dearest is there to "make her do that." Lo and behold, Leila blames her pregnancy hormones for her attitude that day and actually apologizes to GG… all while GG rolls her eyes and refuses to look at her sister. GG and Leila immediately start to argue about their hair extensions business. Poor Papa Gharachedaghi can't catch a break.
Let's pack for Cabo, shall we? Lilly whines about not being "a Mexico kind of girl" and puts each precious bikini in its own Ziploc baggie before she gently places them in her designer luggage. MJ shoves a heaping pile of her belongings into a bag.
Lilly, MJ, Reza, Sammy, Mike, and
Asa some fool wearing a hoodie and big-ass headphones (Is that you, Eminem?) find a tricked-out Mercedes-Benz bus waiting for them in Mexico. On the way to the resort, we learn Reza doesn't like dark man meat, Lilly doesn't like alcohol, Persian women call their sons doodool tala, which means golden penis, and MJ stores pictures of Sammy's penis on her phone.
Oh, how sweet, Lilly brought gifts to Mexico… a teeny-tiny swingerie bikini for Asa and a floral tunic for MJ. Subtle, no? Meanwhile, GG and her future ex-husband, Omid Kalantari, firm up the details for the hair extensions launch party. GG is on a mission to prove to both her sister and her dad that she can pull off this thing called life
as long as Daddy is paying.
That's great – GG is a big girl now – but this week's drama is in Cabo! According to Reza, Nikki Beach Club is Orange County hot mess, minus the hot and quadruple the mess. Lilly is all like, Toto,
I'm too fabulous for this drunken drunk fest I don't think we're in the South of France anymore. While Mike disses white people because they wear Speedo suits and wear fuzzy hats, Asa toasts to brown people.
Lilly bounces a tiny bit, attempting to have fun, but she looks completely disgusted. In other Lilly news, how does she not float away? I'm convinced that the only reason she willingly carries around so much extra hair is to balance out the boob weight… Ghalichi Glam? More like Ghalichi Got Balance.
There aren't many words to describe the debauchery that happens in Cabo. MJ said it best: "Everybody in Cabo getting tipsy… ra ra ra ra ra ra ra." It's raunchy. It's wet. It makes me realize I can no longer stand Lilly's snobby, condescending "I'm so above these people" attitude. She should have stayed home.
Cut to Reza adjusting MJ's boobs. Reza says they're too low. Clearly, MJ's barely-there red bathing suit just isn't up to the task, and she really needs to look into more supportive "cup size" suits. Instead, she lets Reza manhandle her boobs, pushing them left, right, up, and down, trying to make them look more like Lilly's floatation devices. Mike walks in and simply says, dude, that's how just how real boobs hang. Reza suggests duct tape to keep them in place.
It's time for dinner, but Mike is MIA. Asa, Reza, Sammy, Lilly, and MJ find him in his room, passed out from too much vodka. If I were as drunk/hungover as Mike looks and woke up to Reza hootting and hollering the way that he is, I'd lose my freaking mind. Mike wakes up from his nap and makes a beeline for the bathroom. Asa and MJ invited themselves into Mike's bathroom, where he's completely naked, and check out his doodool tala. MJ, the man meat connoisseur, reports back – Mike's bizzness is bigger than yours (to Sammy) and thicker than yours (to Reza)… and longer than both of y'alls… and Melissa just threw up in her mouth a little bit. Hello, boundaries! Hello, censor! Honestly! I need to scrub that visual comparison outta my brain!
Sammy, Reza, Asa, Lilly, and MJ go to dinner. Mike is out of order until further notice. MJ tells the group about her first therapy session. Lilly toasts to MJ. It's a very sweet gesture, but I also think it's an attempt to put an end to the heavy conversation. It almost works… but MJ goes right back to talking about her issues… and Reza is all like, this feels like death. To which MJ says, "It's not every day that I have therapy for the first time in my life; therefore, it's not every day that I sit at a table with friends and acquaintances (looking at you, Lilly) for me to share it." Lilly and Asa start to giggle. Lilly attacks MJ, saying she's fake and full of bulls-t, and, once again, Sammy is the voice of reason. I hate these people for making me type that TWICE this season.
Despite Reza's sanctimonious "I want all my friends to stop being negative
unless I'm bashing GG and get along minus GG" speech, Asa and MJ start to argue. When Asa implies MJ talks about Lilly to them, MJ demands to know when, at what time during what year in what minute… or something equally confusing… did she ever talk to her about Lilly. Asa answers, umm, chia pet! MJ looks at Reza, saying, "I've never said that to Asa, I said it to you." Asa is like, this has nothing to do with me! To which MJ says, "Then stay the f-k out of it … You're a liar … I'm disgusted by you."
Asa continues with her passive aggressive "who me?" act. When MJ pokes fun at her Persian Pop Priestess title, Asa accuses MJ of drinking and popping pills. In response to MJ's denial, Lilly jumps in with, "I saw you take an Ambien this morning!" MJ calls Asa a bitch and asks for an apology. Asa is like, What? What did I do? Why do I need to apologize? MJ walks away from the table.
But, through the bushes, MJ adds, "Asa, bad things are going to happen to people who talk shit out of their ass." Asa responds, "That's right, baby, so you better stop talking shit." While MJ continues to insult Asa, Lilly is all like, Asa is my hero! Gag me!
MJ pulls Reza aside. She tries to ask him to stand by her (and not Lilly and Asa) but he doesn't (ever) let her speak… which is so incredibly annoying… and then Asa invites herself into their private talk. MJ calls her a disgusting bitch and walks away.
Next week on Shahs of Sunet, Mike sobers up just in time to witness Reza digging through MJ's purse, looking for pills, and the
drama-free Cabo weekend gloriously continues.
TELL US – YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE TRIP TO CABO? ARE YOU TEAM ANYBODY AT THIS POINT?
Photo credit: Bravo