Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was brought to you by the Bravo Home Shopping Network. We also learned a very good lesson about donkeys – they are stubborn. Very stubborn. And the more expensive the shoe, the more said donkey digs her heels in!
Things begin in normal land, or should I say New Normal land with NeNe Leakes and the family relocating to LA and their temporary home in the Hollywood Hills. Luckily Kenya Moore was on hand to loan NeNe some peeing cupid statues and other hideous faux Versailles pieces. What nothing reminiscent of Gone With The Wind? No massive draperies in velvet? No partially burned in the Civil War looking shabby chic dining room sets? No Rhett Butler portraits? #amateur.
So yeah, NeNe has arrived and she is ready to thrive!
Moving back to the land of ATL, Kandi Burruss is celebrating Todd's birthday by baking him a cake from scratch with her daughter Riley. Kandi was using cooking tools and clearly had a grasp of how they worked. I have to admit I swooned a little at the down-to-earth moment. Riley is talking about how she wants to move into the guest house when she gets older.
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Kandi explains she wants her daughter to know the value of a dollar and how one earns it through hard work. Essentially what Kandi is saying, is she doesn't want her daughter to turn into a certain wig we all know and love to hate!
Over at Kenya's house her aunt and cousin pay her a visit to help her get over Walter. Kenya is "cooking" and while Walter got Trader Joe's microwave re-heats the fam gets a "home cooked" meal of a bag of lettuce and some cut up watermelon. And I think that speaks volumes about the relationship she had with ol' Towing King.
I don't really remember what Kenya was saying cause I kinda blocked out while she was sounding normal – so boring – but she was yammering about Walter misleading her and being gay because he doesn't want to constantly be touching her butt or something and how she deserved better and really he wouldn't even let her steal his sperm because he kept insisting he would pour his own drinks and he never spent the night because he was afraid he'd never escape and how his family put his photo on a milk carton that said 'Have you seen this man?' when she kidnapped him and forced him to go to Anguilla and how he kept wearing DeKalb Towing polo shirts so people would know who he was… Yeah, it was boring.
I do have one question: why isn't Kenya's fabulous and gorgeous cousin, a legit ATL business woman and native, on the show instead? She seems interesting. Also Kenya's aunt is stunning. She needs to teach these HW a class in aging gracefully. I am fully shocked Bravo allowed a woman on one of these shows who has not been turned into an injected hunk of plastic. I wasn't aware that Andy Cohen knew that kind existed.
So then Kenya immediately throws down the tomato she was slicing and races over to the gym to "produce" Phaedra Parks and Apollo's Donkey Booty workout DVD. Kenya enthuses about how much work she's done on the project even though no contracts have been signed and no budgets have been discussed. Kenya has already "secured a distribution deal" which seems odd if they have no samples to show a company of what's to come.
Oh and here comes our sample - Phaedra doing the "Funky Donkey" or something which looks a lot like the Funky Chicken dance minus the "wing flaps" and includes a squatting pooping position. Not pretty. Apollo is standing there looking like he wants to interject but Phaedra warned him that she would taser him if he didn't just stand there and look pretty. The entire time Kenya is grinning and drooling at Apollo and I was worried she'd need a dental dam to catch all that saliva.
Then Kenya busts out with some diagrams of building the set and the budget and Phaedra is like, 'mmmm…kaaaaay, this is something to consider. Lemme just phone my attorney." Since Phaedra wants to see a variety of butts featured on the tape, they want to hire a casting agency. I don't know why they don't just call Dr. Booty… Or Alexis Bellino!
I'm confused about why these details weren't discussed earlier, but that would make boring TV, right? Personally I think Phaedra never had any intention of allowing Kenya to produce this thing but did it to appease the show.
In LA, NeNe is stressing out about her new fancy-pants job. She appeals to ex-husband/new boyfriend Gregg for support and they have a discussion about whether or not he will act as her chauffeur, masseuse, mommy to Brent, and purse carrying assistant for the duration of her tenure on network TV.
Ok – I love this NeNe, this savvy, mature, professional NeNe who appreciates her life and what she has. And I am happy to see Gregg and NeNe in a supportive, loving relationship. From no teef and a Home Depot Repo to The Golden Globes and an on-set trailer for NBC. Plonk, indeed!
Gregg drives her to the set and NeNe begins her first day at work. She is nervous but clearly proud. And we are too! Yay NeNe.
Back in ATL, Phaedra has done her due diligence about the costs of producing a workout video and both Kandi's boyfriend Todd and her attorney have advised her to stay far, far away from Kenya and her influence. It would seem that while Kenya has achieved a donkey booty (procured on the internet for $29.99 plus tax and S&H, also known as Spanx. Or is it Skweeze Couture?), she has not received the necessary clearance by a reputable psychiatric facility. Also, Walter faxed Phaedra the report he got from the P.I. he hired and at least one of Kenya's former "fiancés" has been listed as missing, last seen in Brazil at a butt injecting facility when she announced they were going to elope in the jungle…
Anyway, yeah – don't get in bed with Kenya less you want to be missing some sperm.
Kenya twirls in with some producer and starts the process of informing Phaedra that she is worth every cent, has been working on this for 6 weeks, and deserves 10% backend because she got the distribution deal. Meanwhile Phaedra's attorney is lurking outside the door like this is bad murder mystery starring Angela Lansbury. Murder She Wrote, anyone?
Kenya explains that she has produced many multi-million dollar films no one has seen nor heard of, most notably Phaedra, and therefore she usually gets 50% (!!!) for her services. Um… what services is she offering exactly? Because I don't think Phaedra is going to let Apollo participate.
Phaedra insists that because caviar doesn't need to be wasted on Ayden (or Kenya) and her donkey booty sells itself (here she does her own twirl to illustrate!) she do not need no Kenya influence, but they'll be in touch. Poor Apollo looked defeated, but Phaedra is right – she is both the brains and butt behind the business end of this deal and Apollo is the face.
Phaedra's attorney scuttles back in to basically say, 'Yeah, no contract for this wench with a booty bench. Let's do this deal cheap.' Meanwhile Obama is in the White House eating Chef Boyardee and Kenya is whining about how mama needs a new pair of $1000 shoes and Phaedra is trying to make her shop at Pay-Less so maybe she should just try and do her own Donkey Booty workout DVD. Oh lord… and this is the end of Kenya having any allies on this show.
Everybody knows… do not mess with Miss Parks' money, honey! Really, $1000 shoes – that's it? Everybody also knows fabulous people wear $2000 shoes – just ask NeNe! Kenya decides she is going to try and schmooze up Apollo behind Phaedra's back to save the deal.
Kordell and Porsha Stewart finally make an appearance. He brings her breakfast in bed, they discuss making twins again, she flashes a lot of upper thigh and I think I just saw porn on RHOA. Moving on…
Kandi is throwing a surprise party for Todd and flew his mom in secretly. She takes him on a tour of Atlanta via helicopter and they land at the party site where everyone has gathered.
Kenya arrives and is disappointed Phaedra is acting like everything is normal, which is called good manners, but that probably wasn't in the RHOA script where they were supposed to have drama at Todd's party. Thankfully Phaedra seems to be valuing real friendship over F-List celebrity and doesn't take the bait, so she is cordial and keeps her distance. Strike one! Kenya looks distraught and goes searching for other ways to fulfill her obligations.
When Todd walks in he is shocked, tells Kandi he "adores" her and then when he sees his mama he tears up. I like them together. Kandi explains that this is also their one-year anniversary and the anniversary of their first kiss.
Kenya is twirling around the party selling herself, announcing she was once Miss USA to Todd's mom who looks like she wants to escape, then she corners Apollo to try and wheedle him about the DVD and how they need to do business together. Apollo is agreeing with Kenya saying he thinks they should work together but he has to talk to his wife who is shooting death glares in Kenya's direction.
Apollo – no! Time OUT! Do not try and conspire with the enemy behind your wife's back, especially when your wife is Phaedra and she will make you pawn your TV to write her check. Phaedra immediately shuts down any Kenya-involved suggestions. Strike 2!
Then Kenya sidles up to Kandi and Todd to start prodding him about this DVD. Todd is a pro at deflecting HW drama
since he used to help stir it up behind the scenes and doesn't really engage. Kandi quickly reminds Kenya this is Todd's birthday and she better back away slowly before the lion cake comes to life and rips her mane off. Strike 3! Three strikes your out so Kenya just sits down to eat some cake.
Then Kandi lets Phaedra know what Kenya is up to and comments that she better stay away from her man, because Kandi is going to pull out more than a taser.
And finally, Cynthia Bailey gets her moment in the sun. After Kenya decided they should hire The Bailey Agency to cast the video and told Phaedra the deal is done, Phaedra posted a tweet about doing casting for a workout DVD. Unfortunately Cynthia had no idea this casting was happening and as she had not been paid or signed any contract she was not doing any work. Imagine that!
When Phaedra arrives, Cynthia spells it out right away. No contract, no services because this is a business. Everybody knows… do not mess with Miss Cynthia's money, honey! And Phaedra completely agrees. So casting was canceled.
And then Kenya and Phaedra go at about her fees. A series of butt innuendos are thrown about and I can't decide if it was intentional or subconscious, but they were hilarious.
Apparently Phaedra expected Kenya to do the business-y thing and negotiate the terms of the contract, not just throw a big ol' temper tantrum and twirl to the left, then the right, then prayer circle twirl around Apollo, and then all over Todd's nuts. It's called have your own attorney re-draft a contract and present it to Phaedra again.
“Honey, we are out of slavery, and this is the normal course of business — you negotiate," Phaedra informs us. Here's the deal – Phaedra should not be expecting work for free. It she IS expecting work for free, she needs to be up front about that. However, it seems that was never the intention. Kenya flounces out announcing she quits working with Phaedra, who stands up to yell you didn't quit I fired you! Ok, so that didn't exactly happen, but it might as well have.
Basically Phaedra sat there spelling it out and Kenya got ranty. Then she did this passive-aggressive completely ridiculous nonsense where she said good-bye to ladies, gentleman, and queens, hugged and kissed Cynthia, et al. and completely breezed by Phaedra. Cynthia graciously told Kenya she was no longer banned from The Bailey Agency and then Kenya stomped out and slammed the door.
Phaedra and Cynthia immediately burst out laughing and Cynthia said, 'See – I told you her ass was coochie-crack crazy! Better get that restraining order, girl…' Mmmmm-hmmmmm…
Next week: Kenya makes good on her threats to thieve the donkey booty video which we reported and everyone realizes the wrath of crazy is very real! Lifetime Movie time, here we go…
TELL US – TEAM PHAEDRA OR TEAM KENYA?