Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta brought their southern notions and their southern concepts of time to LA. And apparently in LA no one is ever late.
Things begin with the ladies traveling via trains, planes, and hummer limos (but thankfully not on a platoon of Louwee VeeTAWN luggage) to NeNe Leakes' house in the Hollywood Hills. She must have rented Chateau Sheree, the LA Version because the road to get there is completely under construction and the limo driver informs them they can walk the rest of the way up.
NeNe has to drive down and get them in her SUV and the house turns out to be gorgeous. NeNe's is hosting a fabulous dinner party so she can introduce her Hollywood friends to her cast mates. She wants the ladies to arrive back at her house by 9pm sharp for a sit-down dinner, even though it's the day they landed and they have like six minutes to get ready and traverse down the hill on foot to meet their limo and schlep all across town. No one is thrilled.
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And there's one other snafu – Phaedra Parks missed her flight and hasn't even shown up yet. You know that really singes NeNe's hair that Phaedra couldn't even be bothered to make it out on time for NeNe's fabulous LA debut on the show. NeNe suggests the girls take some 5 Hour Energy or diet pills and get to grooming to be at her place on. time.
Phaedra shows up, exhausted, at around 9 and by the time everyone gets out of the house it's after 11. So being tragically late no one thought to call NeNe's and say 'Hey, We're running super late. Phaedra just got here we needed to settle in, take naps, etc…'
Instead Cynthia Bailey waits until they are in the car, at 11:30pm, to call NeNe's house. She is told "Uh – don't be drag-assing over here at this very discourteous hour because the door will not be open for your arrival.' Then NeNe slams down the phone. Apparently LA-NeNe forgets that Atlanta-NeNe has been late pleeeeaaaanty o times – including for the party Cynthia threw her at the beginning of the season!
Cynthia looks like she wants to cry. She fingers the friend contract folded in her clutch – worn and tattered from all the times she perused it -and starts to fret that NeNe will want to take back her half of their Best Friends Forever necklace. What if she becomes the next Kim Zolciak? The Wig didn't mean a fig.
Nevertheless they arrive. NeNe and Gregg are staring out the window waiting for the car to pull up. Couple of things: 1) I think this was all staged? Where are the other guests, the other ladies only spotted the caterers. 2) Why wouldn't anyone call sooner unless producers told them not to. 3) NeNe can abandon her other guests to go police the front door? And she won't let them inside cause it's too late, even though others are supposedly in there chowing down and hanging out? Am I confused?
So yes, the ladies arrive at 11:40 pm. NeNe and Gregg go outside and refuse to let them through the gate. I don't know where Kenya Moore's Security! was at this moment…
Kandi Burruss is pissed; she's hungry and when Kandi and her leopard print pants are hungry watch out. NeNe is saying all this stuff about how they're rude and Kenya is whining and sucking up, begging to be let in cause really she needs some validity.
Kandi just keeps wondering if she can have a to-go box like this is Jack In The Box. Gregg, feeling bad, brings out a cheese plate with some olives that had already been wrapped in saran wrap.
Why on earth did Kandi not snap with 'I wrote the song on being tardy for the party…' and then bust out with a musical rendition? Really? C'mon Bravo… lame!
I feel like NeNe was just trying to pull rank, like look bitches I am the star of this show and YOU – you're all in my shadow. In the shadow of my fabulous career, and fabulous house, and fabulous LA life and all you got is some Atlanta notoriety. This whole scene reeked of producer intervention.
Kenya tries to hug NeNe and snuggle against her like a cat rubs against its owners leg when it needs something and is begging for attention. Except my cat usually bites me at that moment, so that's probably a bad analogy.
NeNe apparently has a very big day on set coming up and needs her beauty rest. Where are the other guests again?
Although Kenya is being the new 'zen' her, she's still furious because NeNe has the dinner laid out on the fabulous dining room set Kenya loaned her. She bustles over the hedges and starts jumping up to look in the window. Kandi is right behind her. Then NeNe tells them to just go, shaking her head sadly, and pointing. She group hugs obligatorily, Phaedra makes some comment about thanks for nothing, and Cynthia lets the tears well in her eyes as she shuffles back to the limo.
Hey – at least they got to hit up Fat Burger, which frankly is so delicious I'd be happy to have skipped some poncey affair where they would be forced to talk about how amazing and successful NeNe was for hours as Cynthia glowed.
The next day Kenya is up at 6am to
stencil on her spraytan abs exercise and then decides to make breakfast for all the ladies. She explains she doesn't want a repeat of being rebuffed from somewhere important so she's going to play "The help" and cook for them. She explains numerous times that the only people who cook are, in fact, the help. Everyone else just goes to Trader Joes for readyheat meals. #wannaberichandimportantpeoeopleproblems
The ladies have to be at The Groundlings that afternoon for an improv class. Cynthia thinks Kenya is working the crop tops to prove to Phaedra that she's the real booty beauty queen and Phaedra is just some imposter. I think Phaedra couldn't care less as soon as she spied bacon, however.
Meanwhile Porsha Stewart can't push buttons on the Keurig and spends the entire morning staring at it wordless while shaking her head in confusion. Kenya comments on how Phaedra is acting as if nothing happened between them. And why not make the best of a bad situation and just try to get along? Apparently Kenya classifies that in the crazy category, and I classify that in the having manners category.
At The Groundlings they do some improv activities, NeNe stays home to make herself intentionally late and complain to Gregg about everyone else being Tardy For The Party. Gregg is skimming the pool and is like well, shit happens just don't let it ruin the week. So that's about that and then NeNe shows up an hour late to improv and misses all the activities.
Everyone else got to play fun games where they had to yell compliments at each other. Kenya told Phaedra she had bunions that were so big and beautiful it was all she could look at. Phaedra whips out the Home Depot receipt she found in Kenya's car and wordlessly handed it over. It was for silicone. Phaedra gestures to Kenya's butt and mouths: "Get a refund," before fishing a snack out of her purse. No ma'am she was not about to eat that diuretic laced scrambled egg mess Kenya severed for breakfast. Who has time for food poisoning?
I was unaware that to Kenya improv meant 'throwing shade' because she also had much to say about Porsha, which Porsha missed the irony of. She was also insulted that no one was impressed by her illustrious acting resume but they were gushing all over Cynthia's 20 second guest appearance on The Cosby Show. Kenya went home and stuck more pins in her RHOA cast voodoo doll and vowed to take them all down, one by one. No one messes with Miss WHO-S-A!
Then NeNe shows them around The New Normal set and has trouble driving the stretch golf cart around. NeNe's thong is also hanging out. Oops! Kenya gets relegated to the 'way back' seat because no one wants to sit by her so as NeNe pulls through the security gate it slams down on Kenya. It did little to knock her off her high horse. The crown remained figuratively ensconced on her lustrous hair. She does have beautiful hair.
All the ladies oooohed and aaaahed over NeNe's trailer and the set and it was cute. It was fun to see NeNe's workplace and no one was bickering or whining.
Then they went out to dinner at some fancy restaurant and NeNe tried to hook Kenya up with the owner, because restaurant owners get paid. Kenya demurred pretending to be embarrassed, but I could read the owners face. Courting Crazy does not pay off and it's a bad return on investment.
Over dinner the producers held up cue cards instructing the women to discuss every, single, awkward topic they could think of and the air was tense and filed with pathos. Everyone was looking around like, who did it? waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Kenya and Phaedra are conveniently seated next to each other not speaking, with Porsha directly across from Kenya. Someone asks about the donkey booty workout videos and Phaedra just stays mum, only saying she's not revealing the name of her project. Kenya says she's shooting hers next week and it should be released by December. And Phaedra just thankful the holy water and the taser are at the ready in her purse, which she has in her lap. One can never be too careful!
Then someone talks about not relying on a man for money and asks Porsha if she's OK basically not having a career and just being married to some rich guy. Porsha is happy with Kordell being king and making the rules for his kastle. Everyone keeps poking at her about it like, 'But don't you feel pathetic? You know he can just like leave you.' She tosses her hair around and smiles a lot. She's just happy Kordell let her out of the house for this trip!
Kandi reveals that Kim and Kroy stole her baby name since she always planned on naming her yet-to-be-conceived boy child Kash, which she told Kim, and lo-and-behold now Kim has baby Kash Kade. Kim claims that's not true and to prove it shares that she and Kroy even trademarked and got an LLC for the name! Good lord, Wig can find ways to waste money I never even knew existed! Proof, well Kim-style proof, below!
Kenya reveals tersely that she broke up with Walter and Cynthia wonders if he can still hang out with the other men? Everyone likes Walter much more than they like Kenya. He was at Kordell's birthday party, which Kenya was not invited to. Oops! 'He had soooo much fun! You should have seen it. He was really loving it. Too bad you missed all the fun! I'm so glad you introduced him to us,' Porsha trills. It's moments like this that make me think this girl is way, way smarter than she acts!
Kenya stomps away from the table and since no one else is speaking to her, NeNe is nudged by the producers to go and talk her down. "I am so sick of her," NeNe snaps.Co-sign! While NeNe is in the hallway trying to jab a furious Kenya with the tranquilizer, Phaedra reveals that Walter is quite the ladies man and has been with several of her younger friends.
Kenya is tantruming, whining about how she doesn't want to talk about it with people who aren't her friends and NeNe is like yeah, uhhh… my calamari is getting cold can we wrap this up. Just smile, nod, and eat something. Or have more wine! "Nooooooo," Kenya wails, 'Phaedra's been telling people I'm an alcoholic!' NeNe rolls her eyes for all of us and we're out.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DID NENE OVER-REACT TO THE LADIES BEING LATE OR SHOULD THEY HAVE BEEN ON TIME? DID KENYA DESERVE THE WALTER NONSENSE?
Things that confuse me: from Kim's instagram "Goes to show you I even created a LLC 323 days ago in Kashs name!"