Wedding planner Diann Valentine served the drinks.
Let's jump right in and get the absolute worst of it out of the way. Andy insisted on rehashing the stripper drama. Of course. We saw it all play out on TV – a penis (not Eddie's) in Tamra's ear and a boob (not Tamra's) in Eddie's mouth – and my eyeballs will never be the same.
Andy begged for all the tacky (Tamra's specialty) details.
Eddie said he was "blown away" over the penis to his wife-to-be's ear. Tamra shrugged it off, saying she certainly didn't enjoy it, unlike Eddie in Vegas. I refuse to talk about Eddie's boner again. Let's just say that Tamra's opinion of the incident definitely has not changed.
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Moving on to Tamra and Eddie's truly stunning wedding, Tamra described the event as gorgeous. Eddie called it magical. I call it wasted on a mean and ungrateful person. Oh. Did I say that out loud?
Andy played a clip of Vicki Gunvalson's talking heads. First Vicki said she was "nervous" about Tamra's third wedding, adding, "I hope and pray there's no divorce." Then Vicki went on to say the "over the top" event was out of character for "mediocre" Tamra.
Tamra took the "mediocre" comment to mean that Vicki didn't think she could pull off such an elegant event. Tamra's classy reaction: "That sucks balls."
Next Tamra mentioned that her wedding cake cost $25,000. Oh. My. Gawd. Diann explained, the cake itself was "only" $2,500, but edible diamonds brought the price closer to what I'll be paying for my car over the next three years. Bravo described the cake as "a blinged out Rolex of a cake, covered in carefully placed edible diamonds, suspended from a swing of pearls."
Tamra went on to talk about Eddie's vows to her kids. Much to Tamra's dismay viewers did not get to see the vows on Tamra's OC Wedding, because ex-husband Simon wouldn't allow his kids to appear on the televised special.
Eddie said, "The special vows were just for the children so they know that I love them just as much as I love their mom." Tamra added, "It was a very special moment between him and the kids – such a beautiful moment and I'm bummed you didn't get to see it on the show." There's nothing wrong with some things remaining private. Oh, wait. This is Tamra. And Bravo. Nevermind.
When asked if he regrets making a big deal out of not inviting Jim and Alexis Bellino to the wedding, Eddie said, "No regrets."
"They're really nice people but the history behind my reservations for not having them there is that there's always drama," continued Eddie. "I really did not want any drama on our special day. I have nothing against them. I think they're really nice people and it turned out to be a beautiful day with them in it."
Last – but certainly not least – Tamra revealed that she and Eddie have made a sex tape. I need wine. I simply cannot process this news sober.
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Photo credit: Bravo