So let's talk about what happened. Andy Cohen has obviously been watching a lot of old episodes of 20/20 and he put on his hard-hitting interviewer costume to ask all the really deep questions we've been obsessively tweeting him for seasons. A sign of end times? Also everyone behaved like an adult for the most part. Probably because three-fourths of the people on that stage aren't coming back next season and had nothing to lose or gain. I personally enjoy Jacqueline Laurita much better when her sequins are flying out of her seat and shimmering with rage.
Was Kathy Wakile even there? I wouldn't have even noticed her except she was rocking a low-rent version of Melissa Gorga's blackout eyes that she was sporting all season. It was so much black she looked like a panda bear. Speaking of pandas, since the government shutdown I can't watch the baby panda cam on the National Zoo website. Get it together federal government! Get it together Kathy's makeup team!
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR THE REST!
Luckily for Kathy, Rosie Pierri was there to distract from her eye makeup. Oh Rosie, you and Juicy are a breath of fresh awesomeness to this show and although I try my hardest not to adore Juicy, I simply can't help it. Watching you two bear hug and cuddle, polyester cheap suit to polyester cheap suit made me think: fire these broads and just make this the Juicy & Rosie Show: Booze Is Thicker Than Blood.
Andy grills Caroline Manzo on her illustrious spawn calling fat girls "blow job queens" my lord is defensive not a good look for The Caroline! Her feathers were ruffled, seeing red, and flaming out of her bad dye-job. She starts making excuses for them. Then she doubles-down on the defensive when Andy enquires about her father-in-law's mysterious death. "I don't want to know," Caroline says shooting lasers out of her eyes. In case you didn't know, he reportedly had mafia connections and he was found murdered in the trunk of his car. It remains unsolved. Caroline quips that it ruined her birthday but Al got her a present anyway.
Then of course, we get to the real subject of the show: Gorgadice fighting. The Juicys attempt to reinvent the truth again claiming Juicy Joe never calls Teresa Giudice the c-word. Except for that one time it was caught on tape and shown on national TV. Yeah, but that was just one time they both say. And it was only one time they lied on a mortgage application too. #39Counts
Juicy can legally drive again. Melissa looks shifty-eyed. Melissa always looks shifty-eyed. Then we talk about Penny/Penelope/Whatser-face and Poison starts whining about how Teresa was spreading rumors and lies about Melissa. Oh for God's sake! Juicy speaks for all of us when he says they look like a "coupla jackasses" always believing this crap and Teresa is behind it. I agree – they want the camera time as much as Teresa does or else they'd stop whining and brining it up every hot second.
Teresa comments on how hurt she felt when they joined the show behind her back "to take me down and make me the villain." That's when the Poisons start with the victim act again. 'Waaaahhh… I'm a victim,' Again. Every. Single. Day. They need a Lifetime movie already! Poison tries to blame Teresa for his strained relationship with his parents but Teresa immediately rebuffs the notion saying that no parents want to choose between their children and it's not her fault.
Teresa says Poison has built a facade in his head about her being a bad person. I think she meant a facade ON his head. A facade in the form of Hair In A Can!
According to Poison they joined the show so "maybe" he could be "close to my sister". Yeah Melissa's J.Faux aspirations had nothing to do with it.The Poisons lie about as convincingly as Melissa sings. Too bad they can't autotune everything that comes out of their mouths.
Apparently Teresa didn't speak to him for two years (except when the cameras were on) and that she only signed the contract four hours before the christening happened which she only went to for camera time. So naturally Poison snapped and called her "garbage". It's her fault he looks like a maniac. OK – yeah, I do not believe his excuses for joining the show for one second. Also Poison looks like a maniac because that's how he acts and he probably acts that way because his true genetic component is gorilla not man.
Finally Rosie jumps in and tells Teresa and Melissa they are BOTH to blame and should just admit it. THANK YOU, ROSIE.
Moving on to 39 Counts! The sixth Housewife. She has the best hair. Hearing everyone discuss their reaction to the indictment was really sad. I feel like this is the first time we're seeing real emotions from the RHONJ crew. Especially Melissa! It felt so sincere and authentic, something I never thought would describe the sequin-encrusted people of this show.
Teresa repeats over and over that she doesn't understand how this happening "to us". I think I can explain: BECAUSE YOU BROKE THE LAW!
Andy asks Caroline if she thinks Teresa's desire for a lavish lifestyle drove Juicy to procure money illegally. Caroline tactfully answers that she can't answer that but admits Teresa likes nice things. "Everyone likes nice things," Teresa insists. Except most of us don't break the law to get them!
Jacqueline, whose xanax is working overtime this reunion (intravenous drip?), says that she is amazed by how strong Teresa has been through all of this and that she has a lot of support. Teresa, behaving like a real-life human person for the first time ever, admits it's been so hard. "If I fall apart, then the rest of my family is gonna fall apart."
We find out that Teresa and Joe knew the indictment was coming after the trip to Arizona and she told both Jacqueline and her brother ahead of time. Melissa started to cry thinking about the kids and carefully dabbed a tear away from around her false eyelashes. Poison admits he is depressed about the idea of his sister or brother-in-law going to jail. He was so heartbroken he didn't even know what to say to Juicy and couldn't face calling him. This whole scene seemed genuine and human. I kinda cried. The Giudices looked so scared. So raw.
And if only it could've ended there. But then Andy asked everyone if they had any regrets about the show. Teresa said she regrets ruining her relationship with Jacqueline and believes they are truly friends again. She totally ignored Melissa who was preening in anticipation for her big apology.
Melissa is STUMPED (her word) by what she could have done differently… ummm… maybe not come on this show with a negative agenda in the first place? Eventually she says she wished she had filmed more scenes with the kids and Teresa instead of scenes of her gyrating her hips or obsessing about stripper rumors. OK – I added that part.
And just when she had done so much good work convincing people that she wasn't a horrible heinous human being, Teresa's sedatives wore off and she started a big fight with Caroline over being called "superficial". "That hurt me." Did Teresa's body double leave the stage and the real Tre came out during a commercial break? Was this edited out of sequence? WTF?
A big argument erupts. Teresa lost me at "superficial". "You attacked me," Teresa protests. Oh Teresa – you are superficial. And you did wear a Christmas pageant dress. Let it go. Sometimes it's best to quit while you're ahead.
Like maybe only commit one count of mortgage fraud? And you don't have to say everything you think. Next season, I think Martha Stewart needs to be a guest at this thing to give some etiquette lessons. #MannersByBravo
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF SEASON 5? WERE YOU SURPRISED BY THE EMOTIONAL REUNION? WILL NEXT SEASON BE DIFFERENT?