Briana DeJesus and Katie Yeager bring the drama and tears to Teen Mom 3 this week. First, a boy calls Briana's phone, and Roxanne and Brittany aren't having it. At. All. Then, Joey Maes reveals he's already hooking up with a new girl, and Katie sobs for days.
Briana talks to Jacob, the boy, behind her mom's back. Cue the scene where Mom reminds Briana – not so gently – that she has baby baggage. So, the eyebrows have spoken, Briana is nothing more than a girl with a baby. Proceed directly to the coven. Don't call Jacob. Don't collect $200.
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Next Jacob's blowing up Briana's phone at 11:30 at night. Now, if I was talking to a boy behind my mom's back in my day, you better believe my phone (ha! my own phone? as if!) would never leave my back pocket. And it'd still be set to silent. Briana? She leaves the room with her phone sitting six feet away from Mom. Jacob calls again. Mom blasts into Bri's room, turns on all the lights, and launches a full blown interrogation while Briana's trying to get Nova to sleep.
The next day, Mom directs Brittany to get on Briana's case about Jacob. Brit says he's bad news and a loser because he's not in school. Bitchy Brittany is in full effect, as is Crybaby Briana.
Alex learns that Matt McCann was kicked out of the hallway house he went to after rehab. No reason is given. Mom reminds Alex that she's
a raging lunatic unhappy when she has to deal with Matt. Alex agrees to avoid contact with Matt for Arabella's sake. Meanwhile, Alex finds out that Mr. Mini Golf has been "making plans" with other girls on Facebook, so she's done with him forever. I didn't realize they agreed to be exclusive.
Next a friend invites Alex to a concert. Alex calls her mom to ask if she'll watch Arabella so she can go out. Why bother? Nobody seems to be watching the baby now as she sleeps at the edge of a bed. GRRR! Mom agrees to babysit.
Mackenzie's mom is on her way out the door for a church trip. She's worried about leaving Gannon with Mack for nine days. Oh my. That makes two of us! Meanwhile Mackenzie says she hasn't heard from Josh for a week. Is this on top of last week's six days since the last Josh sighting? Poor Gannon!
A few days later, Josh calls Mackenzie to say he wants to see Gannon that evening. By golly, whatever the cowboy wants, the cowboy gets. Josh comes to Mack's house – and she's actually home! What a concept. Me? I would have put a nice, comfy metal chair on the front porch and taken my baby to the park for an hour. In reality, Josh says he wants to give it another shot, and all is right in Mackenzie's world again. Seriously? If Josh actually spent quality time with Gannon before he left again, I missed it.
It's been three days since Joey broke up with Katie – for good – and she's still crying in bed. Not that this looks much different from her nagging on the couch. "Everything hurts," she moans. "Every part of my body hurts."
Katie manages to get out of bed when Joey asks to talk to her. Well he brings her a letter. Katie hopes Joey wants to work things out, but he's actually there to tell her that he's seeing someone else. Katie goes into full victim mode, "Why do you want to hurt me so bad? Why do you hate me so much?" Joey tells Katie that he loves her, adding, "That's why I've been here for two years putting up with this – but we don't work together."
Katie - with Molli in a shaky car seat – takes off to Mom's house. She blames herself, and at 18, she swears off relationships for the rest of her life.
Briana agrees to go on a date with Jacob. Mom disapproves – shocker! – so Briana storms out of the room. Mom follows, sobbing about making sacrifices and better choices. Later, Briana cancels her date with Jacob when Mom and Brittany refuse to watch Nova, but they all continue to bitch about it. Briana gets snotty – figuratively and literally – and I seriously cannot stand her whiny voice. Nails. On. A. Chalkboard.
They're all insane. I think, the lovey-dovey girl-power facade that these three have been faking since week one is starting to wear thin, and we're finally seeing the real DeJesus family. Their interactions come across as unhealthy and dysfunctional. My heart breaks for Nova.
Katie and Joey meet up to talk about Molli and divide their belongings. Joey says, "I want just as equal rights to Molli as you," and Katie slams a door in his face. Joey continues, "I didn't leave you because some other girl makes me happy. I left you because you make me unhappy," and Katie slams a door in his face. These two are a mess.
Katie's mom steps in when Joey tries to leave with Molli. Katie's crying. Molli's crying. Joey kicks Mom out and she calls the police. Joey removes himself from the apartment so Katie can finish clearing out her things. She sadly leaves her engagement ring behind.
Alex and her friends go out for pizza after the (beyond horrible) concert. Alex says she feels free from Matt now, and she plans to enjoy it while it lasts.
Mackenzie informs her parents that she and Josh are now FBO – which means Facebook official – and they look crushed. "I don't like seeing you torn down," says Dad. "I don't like seeing you feeling unloved." When asked, Mackenzie can't bring herself to say she loves Josh, but she isn't ready to give up on their family.
Mackenzie rips a sleeping Gannon out of bed when Josh shows up at 10 at night. Her parents aren't pleased. Mackenzie tries to cartwheel her way out of a serious conversation – yes, seriously – but her parents don't let her off that easily. When Mack starts to lecture them about giving up on family, blah, blah, blah, they tell her to shut up. Thank you, Jesus.
Still, Mackenzie drags Gannon out of the house, and the poor baby cries in the back seat of Josh's truck while Mack stares off into space.
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