Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Not much has changed since last season except for the fact that Lisa Vanderpump is being given the bitch edit. Or she's become a bitch? Or always was one? Whatever – things are odd so far!
Kyle Richards and Lisa spend the whole episode playing tit-for-tat and throwing shady covert digs at each other that are kind of diggy and kind of funny and definitely fake as the boobs in the ol' BH.
Things begin with Yolanda Foster chaperoning daughter GiGi's modeling shoot. GiGi is gorgeous and Yolanda could not be more proud. A fact she expresses by reminding GiGi that all the dieting and exercising has paid off. Yolanda is still rocking last season's outfit and the same set of natty extensions. You own a private plane – get better hair! I should cut the lady some slack, she has been battling lyme disease. 🙁
Not getting any slack from me is Kyle. Good ol' Splits! She's adding business woman to her resume because Kaftans Too For Me & You or whatever the H-E-Double-Hockeysticks her shop is called is now getting the attention of the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce. They want Kyle to join, presumably because the country club needs new robes and she has a bunch in stock.
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The Chamber president stops by the store to deliver a spiel about how Kyle should host the 100th anniversary of Beverly Hills. Her eyes glaze over as she lovingly strokes the edge of a schmatta. Then she decides in order to suck up to Lisa, she'll get SUR to cater it! Lisa comes over the next day to talk DWTS (of which she is unable to get through without swooning over Gleb.). She's apparently cheating on Ken with her wandering fantasies.
At Kyle's, Lisa reminds us all that those pesky Mauricio cheating rumors have been swirling again. He's been seen with a younger woman – perhaps it's Portia. <Tinkly laugh>. Lisa says she thinks the best way to dismiss rumors is to confront them head on and joke about them.
Either it's not a rumor that Mauricio steps out – or Kyle is tired of dodging bombs, because she is wholly offended by Lisa's "joke" especially since it was made in front of Portia. I don't know if I'd be mad, but then Lisa makes a snippy comment in the confessional about how she doesn't really consider Kyle a close friend. Kyle admits she doesn't feel that way about Lisa either. Lisa also doesn't consider Kaftans R Us to be a legit businesswoman so it's entirely laughable that she's in the Chamber of Commerce.
Whatever – let's talk about Brandi Glanville for a while. She is, after all, always desperate for attention! Brandi is pulling a "white Jeffersons" and movin' on up! And so is her hairline #TooManyFillers. Brandi is doing it with a real estate agent named JR and she's also moving to a swankier house which she declares is "starting fresh". Brandi's "starting fresh" obviously included fresh fillers, fresh botox, and fresh lip injections! Later she goes shopping with Yolanda who is still pissed that Kyle accused her of lying. She doesn't want to come to Kyle's party especially since she was invited by email and Kyle has yet to personally reach out despite her being sick.
I don't even know what to say about Kim "Rambles" Richards except if you turned "Kingsley" into a drinking game you'd be blacked out drunk by the time we got to Splits' party scene. Which would probably be a good thing because Kyle throws the worst parties ever. I mean no one ever has fun and everyone stands around awkwardly hating each other and binge eating Fat Burger while passive aggressively staring other people down. Well in this case everyone ate SUR and did this whole hyena laugh thing over every small thing even though nothing was funny.
Lisa suggests Kyle call Yolanda to reach out. Brandi suggests Yolanda come to the party if Kyle calls. No surprise Kyle calls and Yolanda is forced to come to the party. In a killer dress. Which is the best revenge because Kyle's dress looks like a too-tight bumblebee costume and is ridiculous.
This show is like a landmine. Everyone hates everyone and I don't know where to look! When Kyle spots Yolanda she groans and sighs about how she is forced to go over and say hello. Yolanda obviously saw Kyle's facial expression but remained composed. Later she begged Lisa not to leave her and they gently patted each other's butts. I'm sad about the impending doom that is coming to YoLisa. Sad that I think Lisa is gonna disappoint me this season. Anyone else?
At the party we meet new Housewives Joyce Giraud and Carlton Gebbia. They couldn't be more different. Joyce: Miss Pageant everything. Beyond insane beautiful. Has a naked room and brags about her husband running around with his floppy man bits hanging around. I predict she'll be most likely to hire strippers at a future event. I also predict that next season she and Kyle will hate each other after hair wars erupts and they end up helicopter ponytail whipping each other to death.
Carlton is an uptight Brit who practices magic. But not the David Copperfield kind, like the 'I'll put a spell on you' kind. She has three kids named Destiny, Mystery, and Cross. Cannot take a joke, does not want to see Joyce's hubby naked – particularly the dancing male member part. Gets snippy with Kyle for mentioning Lisa's nipple (which was a dig masked as a joke masked as a we're friends and everything's normal!). She already hates Joyce who has a better boob job and insulted the names she gave her kids. This oughtta be good. I especially anticipate the part where Carlton will put a spell on Joyce's master cleanse lemons which she got from Yolanda and then invite Alison DuBouis to a dinner party.
Anyway, Yolanda and Lisa both anticipate that Kyle and Joyce will not get along because as Yolanda smirks, Joyce has better hair. Waaaaay, way better
Japanese extensions hair! This precluded an elaborate dig-off.
Lisa: Joyce you have the most beautiful hair. You should do a Pantene commercial!
Kyle: Is Lisa implying I don't have the most beautiful hair in the world. I thought I SHOULD do a Pantene commercial. I use Pantene! Was that a dig?
Kyle: Lisa is intimidated by Yolanda, who you know is a liar. God knows it's true.
Kyle: Lisa was stroking my hair like she was petting a dog, which I know was fake and condescending, but I pretended to like it because I can be fake and condescending too. And I'm gonna win at fake and condescending!
Lisa: Kyle is really showing me who my friends are and she should let things go. Yolanda is not a liar. Kyle on the other hand…
Brandi: Scheana Marie Famewhore has a grey tooth! How'd that happen? Did she slip and fall in dog piss too? That's karma for being a homewrecking whore! Yep, Kyle broke a finger slipping in dog pee in her kitchen. So not shi-shi-shi! Which if we're talking karma should have been Mauricio since he's allegedly the cheater, right?!
Then Scheana rushes over to Lisa to tattle on Brandi over the grey/purple/broken – it looks totally normal! – tooth and Lisa is all like there-there. Go harass Kyle and suggest that her dress reminds you of a killer bee. When she gets confused, remind her that bees make honey. This party was like Clue who did it in what room with what weapon. In this case: Kyle, In the backyard, with the Faye Resnick designed dagger.
Back to Brandi however, Scheana has the dig of the night when she wonders if she should ask Brandi, "What happened to your face? Why doesn't it move?" ZIIIING! Zing like zima which I swear they were drinking in fancy wine glasses.
Oh what else happened at this party, apparently Scheana and Lisa have become BFF behind Brandi's back and Brandi is STILL TALKING ABOUT HER CHEATING EX. Seriously, I get it – it sucks, but she needs to stop milking this crap and move on. And Yolanda calls out Kyle for being all about Kyle. Pretty much. Kyle knows fake, alright! Herself!
Good lord – I feel like I'm recapping dodge ball.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHO WAS THROWING MORE DIGS: LISA OR KYLE? WAS LISA OUT OF LINE BRINGING UP THE MAURICIO GOSSIP TO KYLE OR WAS KYLE OVER-REACTING? CRAZIER NEW ADDITION: JOYCE OR CARLTON?