This week's season finale of Teen Mom 3 features Mackenzie Douthit and Josh McKee, Briana DeJesus and Devoin Austin, and Katie Yeager and Joey Maes celebrating Gannon, Nova, and Molli's first birthdays. And Alex Sekella and Arabella go to Bermuda for a family vacation.
To kick things off, Mackenzie buys a pair of chaps for Gannon. Ha! Why not? Dressing the baby like an adult cowboy makes perfect sense when Mackenzie doesn't have a job, Josh doesn't have a job, and Gannon, despite winning the family IQ race, is too young to have a job.
An excited Mackenzie calls Josh to gush about her superfluous purchase. He accepts the call – listens – but rushes off the phone without ever expressing a single emotion. Phone calls are hard, y'all. Mackenzie's friend points out that Josh is barely alive, adding, "He needs to get
a pulse in touch with his feelings." Mackenzie says she totally heard excitement in Josh's voice.
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Gannon's birthday party reminds me of the movie Weekend at Bernie's. Josh is there – but he doesn't speak. Josh is propped up in a chair – but he never cracks a smile. Not even when his son smashes his first birthday cake. Josh is so far removed emotionally from this party/family he might as well be a corpse. A few days later, Mackenzie complains when Josh fails to send her a "good morning" text, which leads her to the conclusion that it's time for her and Josh to engage in "deep conversations" and "grown up love".
Briana rents a hall for Nova's first birthday party, presumably with Brittany or Mom's money, and decides to reach out to Devoin before the event. He visits, bringing a huge box of diapers, and manages to endure Bri's whiny voice and self-righteous attitude long enough to accept her invitation to Nova's party. He appreciates the gesture. They – gasp – act like adults.
Later, Briana defends her decision to include Devoin to her aunt, who proves that bitterness and cry baby tears run in the family. First aunt snarks about the diapers – not worth a party invitation. Briana agrees that Devoin hasn't done anything else the past year – while she's expertly held down the couch and secretly wooed boys with her big blue glasses – but she's open to a fresh start. Then aunts cries about what a great mother
Brittany Briana has become.
Katie insists she's feeling better about not being with Joey – but she wants to spend Molli's birthday weekend in Salt Lake City. With Joey. As a family. Like the good old days. Huh? This makes perfect sense to Katie – and she plans to run the idea by Joey just as soon as she can get him away from his new whore/bitch/slut of a girlfriend. Yes. Katie is clearly feeling much better about the breakup. #sarcasm
Joey shoots down Katie's idea. He says he doesn't want to fight, to which she says, "The only time we fight is when a third party is involved." Again – HUH? Katie cries in bed. Without Joey. Like yesterday when she wasn't feeling better.
Alex learns she's not going to graduate high school on time due to being two credits short. I understand her disappointment, especially if she thought she was on track, but she overreacts. Now she has to do the ENTIRE year AGAIN – blah, blah, blah – when attending summer school or earning the two credits in the fall and graduating in the winter is more likely.
Mom defuses the situation by surprising Alex with a family trip to Bermuda. Ha! Flunk out of high school? Eh, whatever. Let's go snorkeling!
A homeless Matt resurfaces while Alex is on vacation. He claims he was kicked out of the halfway house because a counselor didn't like him. Yeah, sure. Matt meets up with a friend, whose script prompts him to ask Matt what it feels like to be a dad. Seriously, MTV? Matt has no clue, of course, and shrugs off missing Arabella's first birthday. "She's got 99 more birthdays to come." Matt plans to reach out to Alex because he wants Arabella to know who he is.
Matt follows through – half way – after Alex comes home from Bermuda. He texts Alex, asking her to meet him at the park the next day, and she agrees. Sadly Matt never shows. Alex and Arabella enjoy their time at the park despite his absence. I'm proud of Alex's growth this season – and I wish her well.
Joey has a change of heart about going away for Molli's birthday. Much to Katie's delight. You can see on her face that she has high reconciliation hopes for the trip. A friend tells her to get those thoughts out of her head. "It's not working." So, the happy family is off to Salt Lake City, with one miserably baby in tow. Molli obviously remembers the last road trip with her parents because she screams – probably in protest – in the car. I'd be screaming too.
In the end, Katie and Joey manage a civil, pleasant lunch together for Molli's birthday. Did they need to travel out of state to do it? Probably not. But Joey wants Katie to know that she'll always be "Katie" to him. Katie returns the sentiment. Joey will always be "Joey" to her.
And I'll forever be grateful to MTV for capturing this profound moment on camera. My brain is numb.
Nova's birthday party is the same old, same old when it comes to the DeJesus family. Mom sets up. Briana sits on her ass and does nothing. Brittany entertains Nova. Briana sits on her ass and barks at people to bring Nova TO her when she gets fussy. Devoin admits he's made mistakes. Briana sits on her ass and preaches about acting like a grown up. I can't with this girl.
Josh agrees to couples therapy with Mackenzie – until he's actually IN the truck on the way TO couples therapy. Josh's reluctance brings out Mack's bratty side. Mackenzie takes his phone, challenging him about what she might find, which makes Josh pull his truck off the road to dump Mack.
Standing on the side of the road, Mackenzie cries, "If you love Gannon like I do, we'd work out. Do this for your son. It's for our family." Josh responds, "There's no family – there's you and Gannon and me and Gannon." Mackenzie clings to Josh – sobbing and begging him to love her. THE END.
So, that was fairly boring and anticlimactic for a season finale, no? I mean, we know Josh and Mackenzie are married with another baby on the way in real time. Considering how old this footage is and how much these young girls love to share on Twitter – epic fail, MTV.
I'm on the fence about wanting a second season with this group — I'm leaning towards no thank you. On one hand, I'll never understand how Josh and Mackenzie came to be married, so that'd be interesting to see. On the other hand, I could not care less about Briana, and I hope to never hear her whiny voice again. I don't really have a strong opinion about following Katie or Alex's stories going forward, but I wouldn't mind getting to know a less miserable Katie or following Alex and Matt as they begin to co-parent.
In a perfect world, I'd get a Teen Mom remix with Mackenzie with Gannon, new baby, and Josh's subtitles, Farrah Abraham with Sophia, Chelsea Houska with Aubree, and Ryan Edwards (no Maci necessary) with Bentley.
TELL US – YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE FINALE? THE ENTIRE SEASON? DO YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF TEEN MOM 3?
Photo credit: MTV