Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta things continued to be down for our ladies as they dealt with family and marriage problems, divorce, eviction(!), surgery, and unemployment.
Things begin with Kandi Burruss talking to production partner Don Juan. Kandi has a brand new office and tells us she writes her best songs when going through complicated situations. And complicated is about to get more complicated as Don Juan has obviously been talking to Mama Joyce about Todd! `
Don is worried Kandi will let love get in the way of her seeing dollar signs and that her business will suffer. Ok – Poor Kandi! Seriously why is everyone all over this girl's bank account? Back off her, gold diggers! She needs to write a new version of No Scrubs!
Kandi discusses the situation with daughter Riley who reminds her mom that her marriage will have to come before her relationship with Joyce, who is either going to have to accept Todd or not! Watch Kandi write the best songs of her career and not give anyone a dime! #Scrubless
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Speaking of scrubbing, over at NeNe Leakes' now that she is back to being a housewife, Gregg is forcing her to do housework. In the middle of sweeping and complaining NeNe's agent calls to inform her that her role in Glee is up in the air, which is bad news considering The New Normal was canceled! Uh Oh! NeNe is going from cashing Trump checks to unemployment checks! Maybe she can sell off some of her Hermes wedding china…
Phaedra Parks and Apollo bicker constantly. Phaedra scheduled Mr. President's first photo shoot but Apollo didn't know and doesn't want to participate. Phaedra isn't worried because once the camera is on him Apollo comes alive and turns into a "lighter skinned Tyson Beckford."
The photographer waits while they argue, then Phaedra has a meltdown because her mom didn't prepare the bottle right. Later Phaedra recounts the story of Mr. President's birth and tells Ayden the doctors made a door to pull Mr. P out of and that she would have been pregnant longer if Apollo hadn't forced her to do a Donkey Booty Exercise Video. Le sigh…
Cynthia Bailey heads to the hospital to get her fibroids removed. At least she looks good… except in the bikini line area which she didn't know needed to be "brazilian-ed" before the procedure. The nurse crisply informs Cynthia they'll be performing a "quality check" on the lady regions. I wish they'd do a quality check on Peter, because the only uncomfortable growth Cynthia needs removed is him!
Back at home while Peter is supposed to be nursing his wife back to health he starts harassing Cynthia about when she'll be ready to have sex again cause she's been such a "mean" little wifey letting her bad moods, pain, and atrocious fattening eating habits get in the way of pleasuring him. Really, Peter, really!? Well Peter can't have his cake and eat it too – Cynthia has to work to pay their bills and therefore can't be his full-time sex slave.
Porsha Stewart is also learning an unfortunate lesson: when you marry for money, you earn every cent! Kordell sent all her stuff over to Porsha's mom in a bunch of boxes. Boxes which are poorly packed. Case in point: her wedding dress bustier is tossed carelessly in with a bunch of shoes and got damaged. Kordell also included their wedding album (which Porsha chops up with a steak knife).
Porsha freaks out about what a queeny-bitch Kordell is and how he needs to know "woman to woman" that she is done with his nonsense. She says he always wanted to dress her up like a Barbie.
I get it, Porsha is a woman scorned, but the whole disparaging Kordell with these tacky gay innuendos is weird to me. If you had such suspicions why go through with the marriage? Second of all, I don't like the notion of "outing" people. Move on with your dignity in tact – we all know she married Kordell for the fantasy that he'd provide her with a fabulous life.
Kandi pays a visit to Porsha and she is in the midst of some sort of breakdown. She just wants cloooosure, and the divorce feels like a death. And she just can't move on without mourning. Except Kordell has already closed the Barbie chapter, taped the box shut and donated her to goodwill with last season's Dream Wardrobe!
Kandi wonders if there was more to the story – like perhaps Kordell was beating Porsha. Porsha pauses and is like, 'Weeelllllll… define abuse. This one time he wouldn't let me get a second Benz…'
Maybe Kordell can help Kenya Moore with her moving issues – I hear from a little bird that the "woman" packs a good box. Krayonce has until 5 PM to get all three of her items out of the rental. Which means it's time for a stress-relieving twerk. Oh for the love craziness – do not twerk. Especially do not twerk as a woman in your mid-forties. Especially do not abuse your piano or you butt implants by twerking on said piano while singing a song about how fabulous you are. The Kenya Moore Variety Show needs to come to an end.
Kenya's cousin comes over to help, but she mostly hovers close to the wall and clutches her purse in fear. It was a reminiscent of Rocky Horror Picture show.
Kenya unleashes a heated soliloquy about how her landlady Conya is a desperate obsessed fangirl who wanted to be besties with her and when Conya didn't get included in Kenya's fabulous life she turned vindictive. One might say she's butt-hurt (har, har). Conya and Walter oughtta form a support group. Apparently Conya is just looking to sell more stories about Kenya to "blog magazines".
Kenya allegedly discovers Conya's Totally 80's wedding gown thrown in a box. And what's a beauty queen on bathsalts to do but put it on and twirl and twirl and twirl and twirl around in it while laughing manically. Poor Krayonce – that's the closest to walking down the aisle she ever got – and she was so dizzy at the end of it she didn't realize the cops were there to haul her away.
Did I mention Conya called the cops?! As Krayonce is packing the last of her items, Conya wants Kenya gone with the wind and they get into an argument. Conya says Kenya needed to be gone at 3PM, but Kenya says 5PM. If only she hadn't spent so much time on impromptu musical numbers…
Conya calls 9-1-1 and what happens is the shadiest, most hilarious 9-1-1 call EVER. When asked to describe Krayonce, Conya is like 'Describe Kenya Moore?!" in the most incredulous voice. Her description: "Tall with a weave. And contacts and implants." BWHAHA. Don't come for Conya unless she sends for you because otherwise she'll put you on blast to the Atlanta PD!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – KENYA VS. CONYA: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON? ARE PHAEDRA AND APOLLO HAVING SERIOUS MARITAL PROBLEMS? WILL MAMA JOYCE ACCEPT TODD?