This week on Couples Therapy, the couples, plus lone bird Farrah Abraham, discuss dark moments from past relationships with Dr. Jenn Berman. Also, Farrah boohoos about her porn and annoys every human within an 18 mile radius, and Taylor Armstrong has a spoiled brat meltdown of epic proportions.
To kick things off, Dr. Jenn informs us that Farrah's life is chaotic. So I'd like to inform Dr. Jenn that Farrah's chaos has been meticulously planned out by Farrah the Famewhore. Hold the Fame. Meanwhile, Farrah complains to Taylor about being stood up by her boyfriend-for-hire, Brian Dawe. Farrah assumes Taylor couldn't possibly understand how hard her life is because her divorce was – and I quote – probably like so easy. "I filed for divorce, then I found him hanging," shares Taylor. "So not so easy." Farrah's like, fine your life is hard, I guess, but I'm done with you. Good night. Taylor tells the camera that Farrah is the most self-absorbed person she has ever met. #PotMeetKettle
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Dr. Jenn asks everyone to share their lowest relationship moments in group therapy. Taylor talks about Russell Armstrong and pretty much says their entire six years together was her lowest moment. Whitney Mixter and Sada Bettencourt argue about what to share or not share. Le sigh. Whitney talks about a time Sada got physical. Sada blames Whitney's mouth. Dr. Captain Obvious tells them they have communication issues.
Farrah mentions Derek's death, of course, then goes on to blame her mom for her pregnancy because she refused her Plan B. Cue the stank cry face,
tears, and obnoxious snot sniffs, and Farrah hisses, "It makes me sad." Dr. Jenn coddles Farrah, saying it's very sad her mother wasn't on her side, and Farrah instantly perks up. All smiles now, she says, "Yeah!"
Ghostface Killah reveals his first true love cheated on him, adding, "That is not a deep whatcahmacallit, but I threw up a guard. Females – I don't really trust 'em." His current female, Kelsey Nykole, shares a harrowing story about an ex who physically attacked her. She admits she turned to stripping after the attack. This is NEWS to Ghost – looks like he smells farts again.
After group, Ghost says to Kelsey, "You put me on blast. You just dropped a grenade in there real quick." She thinks her past shouldn't matter and calls him a hypocrite. Kelsey leaves the room in tears after Ghost says something about snagging other chicks. All alone, he mutters, "Strippers."
Kelsey and Ghostface meet with Dr. Jenn to talk about Stripper Gate. Ghost doesn't date strippers. Period. Dr. Jenn thinks he only sees women as black and white, as in, women to f–k and women to marry. Ghost says Kelsey's chances at a real thing with him are now as slim as a cigarette, adding, "I walk down the street standing next to her, a stripper, now I'm a joke." Dr. Jenn tells Ghost he's going to end up alone if he doesn't change his attitude.
Elsewhere, Farrah asks Sada and Whitney what they do, hoping they'll return the favor so she can talk about herself. They do. Bless their hearts. "Well, I guess I'm a TV personality, so I do all different shows," exaggerates Farrah. "I also am an author. Luckily my first book was a New York Times best-seller. Now I'm working on two other different books. My next trilogy – so three books – is an erotic sex novel. And then a Christian parenting book."
Parenting book by Farrah? Um. BWAHAHAHA. Call. 911. BWAHAHAHA. Can't. Breathe. What's next? Lips: Less is More by Taylor? These people slay me.
Whitney snarks, "That's a very broad spectrum," to which Farrah says, "Cause I'm Christian so hence that's why I would do it and I'm 22 so I can talk about sex." Why, of course. Silly Whitney. Farrah's still sharing her various delusions – but we're done listening. Been there. Done that.
It's time for Farrah to rudely talk over Dr. Jenn. So Farrah the Fibber says she wanted to be done with TV when Teen Mom ended. Dr. Jenn is like, so you made a sex tape? Farrah's disposition completely changes. Cue the fake tears, and she hisses, "Is there something wrong with me?" Well, says Dr. Jenn, you ARE the common denominator. Farrah turns up the dramatics.
Dr. Jenn feels sorry for Farrah, saying, "People know the teen mom Farrah and the sex tape Farrah, but they don't know the 22-year-old girl." Please. We know it ALL cause she NEVER stops TALKING.
Next, the couples, plus lone bird Farrah, head out for bowling, drinks, and dinner. Nobody cries under a table this season, but Taylor breaks out the splits (Shout out to Kyle Richards!) and Farrah puts a bad taste in everyone's mouth (Shout out to James Deen!). "We're having a little fun – and she's having a little more than everybody," says Kelsey about Taylor. "She's definitely a character with a little liquor in her system."
Farrah offends when she orders food ahead of everyone else. Channeling her inner Stephanie Tanner, Taylor is like, HOW RUDE! Whitney – my new favorite person ever – asks Farrah to talk more about her book plans. She does. Happily. Taylor makes fun of her "deep" and "broad" work. HEHE. To the camera, Farrah complains, "Taylor is drunk. I find it very hard to deal with a woman who is older than me being disrespectful and being rude about the work I do. I'm not talking about how old they are and the lack of things they've done."
Whitney: "Farrah's mind is weird as hell but funny as hell." #TrueStory
Back at the house, Taylor freaks out when the heat kicks on in her room. She storms off to find John, screaming, "Is that f–king heat that just came on in my room? I'm going to lose my f–king mind if that's f–king heat in my room. It's so f–king hot in my room." To the camera, Taylor explains, "I've been here for three days – the food sucks, the room sucks, I don't have my things. My home is beautiful. I like things the way I like them."
John finds a counselor. He is OBNOXIOUSLY rude with CRAZY eyes, yelling, "We're so pissed off about the f–king heat in our room." The poor counselor promises to look into it, and he barks, "You better get on it!" Taylor threatens to sue because she "doesn't live like this" and she's "very confused" and she's used to living "above this standard." When the counselor checks back to see if the heat's now off, Taylor says no and demands to talk to someone she knows. Counselor says she'll find someone, Taylor screams "GREAT! PERFECT!" and pushes a cameraman out of her way.
Side Note: Farrah informs us she will never be friends with Taylor. Because Farrah thinks we care about Farrah's opinion.
Counselor says she'll contact someone on Taylor's list of people she knows. "PHONE both of them right f–king now," she SCREAMS. "I'm about to walk out. RIGHT NOW!" The sane people are like, the f–k?!? Who is this woman?
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Photo Credit: VH1