Oh Couples Therapy – Whew! Where does a girl begin breaking down this mess? I mean, I need therapy after watching it, but real therapy not of the Dr. Jenn Berman 'lemme stroke your F-list ego' variety.
Taylor Armstrong rendered me paralyzed by laughter for a full 10 minutes while I watched her epic meltdown over "pea green towels" and the lack of acceptable lattes at the mansion. And that's where we begin. With Taylor and John Bluher exercising their right to tantrum.
Taylor goes Oklahoma on Dr. Jenn's staff until they give her permission to call the doctor herself and complain. Immediately upon getting on the phone Taylor goes from OK to Hawaiian sunset as she calmly but snootily explains that filet mignon is a necessary requirement for her life. "I can't live like this," she whines. "It's like a joke." Yes – it is exactly like a joke except we're all laughing at you, not with you.
Lest Taylor forget about all her financial problems – lady you were hawking fake Birkins to pay for legal bills.
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Sada Bettencourt warns Taylor she doesn't want to embarrass herself on TV by acting like she's too good for everyone else. Clearly Sada has not been spending enough time perusing Taylor's Bravo archives, because that ship has done sailed! #100thousanddollarbirthdayparty
The next day in therapy Dr. Jenn takes Taylor to task - she never seen adult behavior like that before. Again, someone has NOT been watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills seasons 1 – 3! Taylor cries about how she shouldn't expected to survive on a diet of school cafeteria food quality.
Of course Taylor blames everything on John – if he weren't complaining about the heat in their room she would have never had a meltdown because it triggers her anxiety. "I've already had reality TV kill one person in my life," Taylor sobs. "Now my career is killing people around me again!" Dr. Jenn nods understandingly. I search desperately for the connection before deciding to consult my wine glass for answers. Surely it will help me make sense of this. Perhaps Taylor will become the reality television serial killer? Perhaps she should also quit reality TV and look for a new "career".
Ghostface and Kelsey are up next. Ghostface is still dealing with Kelsey's reveal that a past trauma forced her to turn to stripping to support her child. He's still stuck on the fact that it makes him look bad. Which is a laugh considering he's wearing a jacket from the Suzanne Sugarbaker Designing Women collection paired rather oddly with a penis-shaped hat.
Dr. Jenn reminds Ghost that strippers aren't prostitutes but he knows what goes on in the clubs. Giving yourself away there, Ghost! He basically says that he's not that serious about Kelsey. Poor Kelsey runs from the room crying where Dr. Jenn's partner in crime sits her down to figure out what she wants from this "relationship". She wants Ghost to love her and admit to the world he loves her. He… wants to bang her. I'm confused here: He came on a show called 'Couples Therapy' with a woman he claims he's using for sex.
Farrah Abraham is like totally offended by Ghost judging Kelsey. As a non-porn star who got a sex tape with a porn star leaked totally on accident, Farrah like doesn't want to be judged by her past and accused of being a porn star.
Farrah also relates to Kelsey because she is always catering to a man to try and make him love her. Farrah fails to realize that if she got a total lobotomy and underwent a serious personality transplant men might like her, until then – she's screwed
on film. Dr. Jenn agrees, because she tells Farrah she doesn't evaluate how she interacts with others.
Taylor is distraught because Farrah reminds her of herself as a young woman. Did Taylor make a sex tape too?! Then Taylor tells her all her business ventures seem like BS because she is trying too hard to seem important and successful.
Farrah does not like this. She does that dry whispery "cry" which sounds like my cat hacking up a hairball to convey her frustration. It's totally her prerogative to work suuuuper duuuuper hard not making sex tapes and writing Christian parenting books that teach us that Jesus does not want your three-year-old to have bushy eyebrows.
Taylor and Farrah literally are clones – it must be a science experiment the government is keeping from us because I am fully convinced they are the same person and this is going to turn into a soap opera any moment now.
Therapy is over, but the judging of Farrah has just begun! Over lunch of school cafeteria food, Whitney Mixter and Sada quiz Farrah about how said sex tape came to be. "We heard you made a porn," Sada probes. Totally stone faced, because her face moves less than Mt. Rushmore, Farrah insists that James Deen was no rent-a-peen, he was her boyfriend and he leaked the tape, which Vivid bought. But she can't discuss that because there's legal stuff happening. <side eye>.
When they remind her Vivid needs her permission to market the tape and that it's called "Teen Mom-something," Farrah is like, "I let them do that because I knew it was going to come out anyway." Something is not adding up, says Sada the Savvy, "I think Farrah just wants to be the next Kim Kardashian." Add that to already long and impressive resume!
Later Whitney and Sada peruse that so-called sex tape and discover it's a full-on porn replete with a backdoor storyline and Farrah acting every bit the adult entertainment star. Whitney needs to exit through the backdoor to vomit.
Speaking of backsides, we check in on Ghost and Kelsey and get a little footage of them canoodling with Ghost whispering that he loves her and she's his girl while he rubs her butt. Look, I'm all for tender moments but I'd rather see footage of how in the heck Kelsey manages to get the cockatoo hair-do than witness the butt-rub cam!
With Taylor's meltdown being yesterday's news, a new couple is arriving in the house. It's Jon Gosselin and his girlfriend Liz Jannetta. They are both wearing identical outfits: a droopy grey hoodie and ill-fitting ripped jeans. I can only tell them apart because one of them has some serious male pattern baldness. From the front it's all party at the frat house circa 2006 with spiky gelled bangs and from the back it's all Franciscan order monk.
Taylor is disgusted that Jon and Liz didn't dress up a little more to meet their housemates, she snarks about first impressions. This from the woman with two pool foodles stuffed into the front of her face masquerading as lips. Jon says he's met Taylor before at the Night of A Million Reality stars, she doesn't remember. A likely story…
they probably hooked up in the bathroom.
Liz and John head in to see Dr. Jenn. They reveal that they met in the parking lot of a bar and went home together that night. Nothing happened however, Jon just wanted to hug and soak in the warmth and love that was never there in his marriage. Liz seems just as much as a ball-buster as Kate, however so I sense a pattern in Jon!
Jon resents that Liz seems to be vaguely "star struck" and refers to him as "Jon Gosselin", which is not the real him. Dr. Jenn schools Liz for dismissing Jon's feelings. We end with Jon admitting he wants to marry Liz some day, but she's in it for the fame and not the Gosselin-lovin!
[Photo Credits: VH1]
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