Last night's Couples Therapy went like – Ghostface Killah went to the booty market, Kelsey Nykole stayed at home. Taylor Armstrong had fillers and vodka, Farrah Abraham had fillers and rum. And Jon Gosselin went boo hoo hoo all the way home. Only, the end is only wishful thinking on my part. Jon boohooed but never went home. Because, paycheck. The dude needs money to
pay child support buy hair gel and smokes.
From last week, Kelsey just stormed out of a therapy session she was sharing with Ghost and Latrice. So Taylor sniffs out the drama and follows Kelsey because the delusional fruitcake seems to think she's one of the therapists. Dr. Jenn Berman, who isn't much better than Taylor, appears and reminds Kelsey that she doesn't need crumbs of Ghost's love. Kelsey says she's done with him but wants to apologize to Latrice.
Kelsey doesn't have any reason to apologize, in my opinion, but she has more class and empathy in one of her hair folds than Ghost has in his entire body. She tells Latrice that she wouldn't have let Ghost into her world had she known she was his side piece, adding, "Not sure what Ghost has told you, but we was developing something." A devastated Latrice wonders if she will be able to trust Ghost after this. Huh? Really, girl?
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Ghostface thinks Kelsey just "fell for the kid too quick" because he's a moron. Kelsey repeats that she's done with Ghost, adding, "Miss Latrice, you can have him, honey. Him and all of his bullsh-it." Resident therapist Taylor tells us that she's concerned about Kelsey.
The couples take compatibility tests next. James Deen's peen wasn't available for the test, so Dr. Jenn has a special project planned for Farrah. She, who was "brave enough to do therapy all by herself," says Dr. Jenn. BWAHAHAHA. More like, famewhore enough to show up to couples therapy alone. Farrah gets to fill out an online dating profile – then pick a man and go on a date.
Dr. Jenn wants to see how Farrah acts around men. Um. Teen Mom says she traps them on a boat until they agree to marry her. Porn Backdoor Teen Mom shows she takes off her clothes for a paycheck. Couples Therapy says she can't pay someone to pretend to be her boyfriend. What more is there to see?
Jon has a stick up his vagina over the compatibility test. Then Ghost doesn't understand the difference between "dating" and "serious relationship" so he gets help. "I had a girlfriend. I cheated on her with Kelsey," he explains. Doctor of Love suggests he check dating.
Results time – Taylor and John Bluher are co-dependent. These two needy drama queens are compatible. Ghost and Kelsey share similar interests but want different relationships. Test says they're not compatible, and Kelsey is like, "Yeah, thanks for the reminder." Sada Bettencourt and Whitney Mixter each have issues with self-control but are compatible.
Farrah wants to get married. Period. Doctor of Love tells her maybe not lead with that, though, and Farrah rolls her eyes and dismisses her. "I don't want to waste my time going on a lot of dates," she says. "My eye is on the prize."
The things Jon and Liz Jannetta have in common – divorce, crap ton of kids holding them back, social drinkers, smokes like a chimney – actually work against them. Jon throws a hissy fit when their test comes back as incompatible.
Jon complains, smokes, whines, and accuses the show of trying to break up his relationship. Vicky Victim wants to call his manager and quit the evil reality TV show on VH1 that's just like the evil reality TV show on TLC. Because all of the reality TV shows are out to get Jon Gosselin. Boo. Hoo. Hoo.
Dr. Jenn follows the sounds of Jon's sobbing to confront him. Jon bitches. Liz starts to cry. Taylor says she feels tension and decides that Jon and Liz are not compatible. Oh for crying out loud, Taylor does realize she's not one of the therapists, right? #IdentitiesAreHard
Dr. Jenn gets all self-righteous over Jon's insinuation that Couples Therapy is fake. "I give my heart, my soul, my everything to the work that we do here, so for you to imply in any way that something here is not real, that's not cool," says the woman who knows Farrah is a total liar face but keeps up the charade for ratings. Yeah, take a seat, Dr. Jenn.
Moving on, Latrice asks to talk to Ghostface. "Go get your popcorn kid," he jokes. "Some big ass movie is about to f–king go down." Latrice asks Ghost to leave her alone so she can move on. He tries to make her feel guilty, but she stands her ground. Ghost asks for a hug on his way out. Latrice says no.
Farrah reveals VH1 can't get anyone to go on a date with her. Nobody wants to be "on TV" she says. HAHAHA. In L.A.? Really? "Whatever," she bitches. "F–k it. If you're not okay with TV, you're not ever going to be in my life."
Later, everyone gangs up on Jon about his not-so-nice girlfriend, Liz. Whitney and Sada show genuine concern, IMO, but Taylor and John just want camera time. Taylor says she doesn't like the way Liz treats Jon. And Sada adds, "She belittles you." Sadly, Jon doesn't have two brain cells to rub together, so he runs to Liz to tattle. Liz walks Jon, her submissive little boy, back to the group. "I'm going to be honest because I never lie," slurs Miss
Shana Hughes Taylor Armstrong. "He needs you to love him."
"Shoot me in the head now, please," Liz bemoans. "People are horrendous – absolutely f–king terrible. Everyone in the house, I f–king hate them."
TELL US – DO YOU THINK ANY OF THESE COUPLES ARE COMPATIBLE?
Photo Credit: VH1