Certain ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta need to read Secrets of A Southern Belle… – it should be required reading! But if everyone behaved civilly there wouldn't be any of that potent drama! Also, an evite does not an invitation make. When did the evite replace the speakerphone invite?! Technology sucks! Next we'll be tweet-viting.
Kenya Moore is throwing an "elegant Eyes Wide Shut" masquerade ball in the theme of shade. Because NeNe Leakes is furious with her for "ruining" her pillow talk nightmare, Kenya is returning the favor by setting NeNe up to ruin one of her parties. Kenya is sending out evites, she's planning the event with Marlo Hampton and she's decided to make NeNe the secret guest of honor by having the party actually be a charity auction where the proceeds benefit NeNe's favorite charity.
But – and here's the big BUTT – Kenya isn't going to bother to call NeNe on the phone to discuss how she's the guest of honor. "I'm gonna kill her with kindness," Kenya threatens, adding that she wants to mend things with NeNe because she used to look up to her as an "older sister". NeNe and Kenya are the same age (46 and 43).
Kenya and Marlo discuss her plan at Miss Lawrence's salon (I thought he lost his license?). Marlo warns Kenya that she's looking at months of the silent treatment out of NeNe after pillow talk. Kenya rubs her hands together, cackles her evil laugh, eyes flashing and bellows 'I know how to make a bitch squeal!' Eyes wide shut indeed.
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The next day those two show up at The Bailey Agency where Cynthia Bailey is helping Kenya cast eligible bachelors to be auctioned off. Kenya is clearly wearing a leftover from the Pilow Talk party because she had cleavage popping. This from Miss Say No To Coochie Crack. After Marlo grooms Kenya's hair chimpanzie-style while Cynthia looks on, shocked, the "bachelors" came out. I kept waiting for Walter Jackson to burst through the door, but nope. Only 6 lone losers. Kenya claims she advertised…
Meanwhile on the other side of town Kandi Burruss is still hosting auditions for her play. She has some real celebrities for the big roles and… Porsha Stewart, who wants a career other than
being the next Sheree Whitfield Housewifing, future bankruptcy-filer, and former gold digging divorcee. Porsha actually can sing but she apparently can't read because she kept flubbing the script, was TOTALLY unprepared, and ad-libbed about loving grilled hotdogs.
Despite all of that, she got the part. Porsha is soooooo excited to be playing "Jade" – or does she mean Jada?! Yes, she got the name of the character wrong. Then she has her attorney send Kandi a list of demands as if she's Mariah Carey. She needs only pink M&Ms and a separate dressing room for her dogs. And she's planning her future for winning all the awards – every single one of them: Tony, and Oscar, and that one lady… Emmy?
Next, Porsha invites all the ladies to roller derby practice because she thinks a fun bonding activity is in order. I am very surprised Kenya's derby moves did not include a twerk or a twirl. Kandi and Phaedra Parks opt out of skating and sit on the sidelines while Porsha and Cynthia fall on their faces constantly and mess up their plastic surgery.
After bashing people on skates, Kenya is feeling all warm and fuzzy so she apologizes for her role in the pillow talk explosion. Phaedra sat there expressionless when she should have taken that opportunity to apologize for Apollo's behavior! Despite her oversight (please re-read one of your chapters, Phae!) everyone leaves on good terms.
Unfortunately there is more drama in Kandi's life. Carmon lets Kandi know she received a threatening voice mail from Mama Joyce! Carmon discovered who exactly was spreading rumors about her and Todd around town (a couple known as Benny and Crystal) so Carmon confronted Crystal. When Joyce found out she left Carmon a expletive-filled message threatening to, among other things, "drag your a$$ up and down the damn street like you was a damn rag" and calling her a "lowdown heifer."
Wait, wait – that's not all! Joyce tried to hire Benny to get Todd drunk, set him up with other girls, and take photos Mama Joyce could show Kandi, thus proving Todd is bad news. Is Mama Joyce aware that blackmail, extortion, and threats are ILLEGAL? She better watch it or she's gonna be sharing a Real Housewives cell with Teresa and Phaedra. Bravo is gonna need their own WWHL jail pretty soon!
Kandi is speechless and shocked. Later she tells Todd what happens and Carmon confirms the events. A frustrated Todd points out to Kandi just how insane and disturbing this behavior is. He warns Kandi that if she doesn't set limits she is going to end up alone. Kandi starts sobbing as Todd and Carmon tell her she needs counseling. I'm glad they did an intervention because seriously Joyce is NOT. RIGHT.
Speaking of not right, NeNe and her new Kim Z wig discuss Kenya's party with Cynthia at Cynthia's sad little wannabe important office – meanwhile Peter drives a Bentley… NeNe says she never received an invitation – evite or otherwise – and she is shocked to know the party is supporting her charity and she is the guest of honor. NeNe thinks Kenya owes her a phone call. #cosign.
Over at Kenya's she's trying on showgirl costumes and doesn't understand why NeNe is so annoyed – everyone got their evites. She should know since she attached a read receipt to them, so duh! Apparently she can't bother to write NeNe a personalized email explaining that she'd like her to have a greater role in the party. That's apparently Cynthia's job. Cynthia is messy.
On the night of the party Kenya wears a massive mask containing every feather in the JoAnn Fabrics emporium along with red dominatrix gloves. Miss Lawrence came prepared by wearing a lamp-shade. None of the ladies came (except Lexis who came for the booze). After "a thousand" phone calls from Cynthia, NeNe arrived. Sans mask. But NeNe didn't need a mask because she was wearing a very angry face!
Kenya wore a mask to hide her obvious glee as she announces the party is in support of NeNe's charity and invites NeNe to come up and speak. Instead of doing what she should of done which was strut up there, put on her best actress-mode, and stealing the show from Krayonce with an awesome speech, NeNe did NeNe. She stomped up, glowering, and snarled into the mic, “It’s amazing how many good friends I have and don’t know about. I’d like to thank Saving Our Daughters which is ONE of many charities that I work with.” Then she stomped away, gathered up her Gregg on his leash and barked, "Let's go!"
Kenya giggled mercilessly as she started the auction to the 5 or 6 other women awkwardly assembled and pretending to be Atlanta's finest ladies. We all know Cynthia cast them to attend!
As NeNe storms off, Peter tosses back his drink and announces he's leaving too. He's disappointed that NeNe couldn't put on her gameface to show Kenya up – or at least twirl her into the pool – but instead let the charity suffer. As Cynthia stands lamely by (clutching her gold, plastic pearls) Peter and NeNe argue in the parking lot about whether or not she should be throwing a tantrum. NeNe instructs Peter to get back inside and bid on some of the gentlemen while Gregg delicately escorts her to the car and they drive away.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – TEAM NENE OR TEAM CYNTHIA? WILL KANDI PUT LIMITS ON MAMA JOYCE?