Last night on Real Housewives of New York, BookGate got "street", and thankfully no one was injured. And some other stuff happened. Finally.
We pickup where things left off at LuAnn de Lessep's BBQ. This season class with the countess means taking a backseat to drama and serving dessert while massive fighting occurs. And hats off (or should I say heads – heads bearing wigs) to LuAnn because in the midst of the melee she let them eat cakes. Yes, ladies, please this fighting is so gauche – literally where Heather Thomson is concerned – let's enjoy a nice tart instead. I've long been a fan of the mighty ego of LuAnn and this season she has truly reached her stride, she's let go of some of the pretense and she's more relaxed.
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So yes, LuAnn's Hamptons BBQ has turned into a shit-storm worthy of a Bad Boy party circa 2000. We've got Heather from the Hood going all gangsta on Amanda "Where My Bra Be At!?" Image Consultant and Aviva "I Be Like Slanderin' Yo!" Drescher over accusations that Carole "Sure, I'll Have Cake While Heather Soldiers For Me" Radziwill ghostwrote her book. (Is ghostwrote a word? It is now!). Aviva now has Reid on the case. Oh Reid… Reid of the plaid tucked-in button-downs and the dad-pants. Oh Reid – when you go hard, you just look like a silly old biddy. Anyway, Reid claims THREE WOMEN from Aviva's publishing house told them Carole used a ghostwriter.
Heather and Amanda get into a rowdy argument. Why Heather didn't just shank Amanda's boobs with a Yummie Tummie bra? Amanda tries to escape but drunkenly stumbles into a wall. LuAnn steers her towards the pie: carb-y, sober-up food. She's perfect for Harry – sloppy and floppy, just his type!
Avicious keeps saying she does not care if Carole wrote her book herself, but she does care; she's brought it up more times than Sonja Morgan has brought up her vaj. It makes Aviva feel justified in using a ghostwriter herself. Maybe the real-real scandal is CAROLE was Aviva's ghostwriter?! I don't care. I really don't but here's my final word on the matter: just because Aviva felt slighted by Carole does not mean she has the RIGHT to slander Carole's career and spread Avicious gossip.
Aviva gives a toast to women writing, "pen to paper." Which is a joke, because she wrote a long email and there were no pens or papers involved – only iPhones.
And ghostwriters. Carole refuses to toast. Somehow Heather and Aviva get into a massive screaming match that involves Brandi Glanville taking over Heather's body and spewing f-bombs left and right while LuAnn desperately tries to distract with cake, before finally throwing everyone out.
Oh and Avicious threatened to "defame" Heather's career next. The Real Housewives of The Hood: Holla!
The next day Sonja hosts a party. Because after one disastrous party it's always wise to invite the same people to another. At least Sonja had good food too. Sonja is highly affronted by Harry carrying-on with Aviva's minion, Ms Droopy Boobs of Image Consultancy. It is Sonja that should be showing Harry her toaster oven and to prove it she wears a boob-bearing swimsuit with cover-up and nothing else.
Harry drools on the eggs benedict – he's a traitor anyway, paling around with the likes of Amanda needs a lift. "Psychos are always good in bed," quips Sonja, explaining Harry. Explaining more of Harry than she intends to, explaining his marriage to Aviva, his bed-buddying with Amanda, and his clamoring with Sonja.
Missing something? Besides your pants…
Kristen Taekman is still in shock from the night before; her initiation into the ways of the Housewife are not going well. Aviva yammers on and on and on about her issues with Carole, until Sonja's tooth falls out and she has to rush to the bathroom with a few interns in tow to Polident it into place. Bravo doesn't offer dental insurance?
Back in the city, Sonja and Aviva get facials and talk about how Carole is a phony and a bad friend. While a Jason-slasher mask drips off her face, Aviva declares herself a victim of Carole and Heather's name-calling. Sonja's incessant sucking-up to Aviva in an effort to get close to Harry's dubin is annoying.
Meanwhile, Carole has the distinct honor of being crowned the Queen Of the Coney Island Parade which means she has to dress-up like a mermaid and ride and on a float. Carole takes Heather and Kristen to pick out costumes, which include a seashell bra that Kristen eschews as too racy. Instead she opts for a sequined one.
Missing something? Besides your tooth…
Sonja, on the other hand, is getting her costume made using items from her own dysfunctional closet. She decides on taping sheer scarves together and topping them off with a bathing suit and a red wig. She's going to play the part of "Red Sonja," jewel-eyed hustler using her feminine whiles to ease the thread-bare linings of her formerly glorious pocketbooks. Errr… wait – maybe that's her reality? Whatever — time to put the hoo-ha away!
Sonja purrs as she rolls around in her underpants with a feather boa while an intern rocks quietly in the corner whispering, "Mommy I'm sorry I tried to go to the big city. You were right. Folks ain't right out here." Pickles silently records the entire thing on her iPhone to add to her OSHA case.
Changing speed, Aviva has received an email from Becky, her former childhood friend, who was there the day she lost her leg. Apparently it was Becky who suggested they play on the hay baler which led to the accident. Becky is also the person who turned off the machine and went for help. Aviva is shocked to learn Becky has found her and they want to meet each other as adults. According to Aviva, not a day has gone by that Becky has not wondered how Aviva's life has been affected; on her wedding day, when she had a child – every minute of every day is dominated by thoughts about Aviva. Which makes Becky Aviva's perfect friend — all she thinks about is AVIVA!
While Aviva travels to the farm, the other ladies travel to a different type of farm. All dressed up as mermaids on hallucinogenics they parade to re-open Coney Island after Hurricane Sandy. Kristen and LuAnn get lost and end up on the wrong float and from there they meet-up with a late, falling apart, and once-again toothless Sonja. Yeppers, she's lost another bicuspid. According to Sonja, skin and bowel movements are an indicator of health. What about teeth?
Everyone gets drunk and rowdy and afterwards, Heather joins them on the beach where Carole reads a poem about their experience and dubs them the Sisterhood of The Mermaid Parade. It was all very sweet and fun and goofy.
Back at the farm, Aviva and Becky form the sisterhood of the missing leg and Aviva shows us that she has the capacity to act like a real-live girl. She's humble, earnest, and heartfelt discussing the traumatic event with Becky.
Becky has always felt responsible for suggesting they play on the machine. Aviva reminds Becky she actually saved her life and that a then 7-year-old Becky bears no blame. They hold hands and then travel to the barn where Aviva looks at the machine and compares it to her memory. In her mind the machine is huge, evil, and scary, but seeing it now as an adult Aviva, physically all grown up and mentally striving to get there, it looks "meek" and powerless.
Aviva stands on it, and for a second she realizes how strong she is. She steps off and asks Becky to turn it on just so she can hear it's rumbling which in her mind was deafening but in real-life it is simply a a gurgling drone. This is it, she wonders. This was all there was?
Aviva feels strong, centered, and thankful. And I like this human Aviva. Please stay! Avphobia no more!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WAS HEATHER OUT OF CONTROL OR JUSTIFIED? ARE YOU IMPRESSED THAT AVIVA CONFRONTED HER FEARS?
Sisterhood of the Mermaid Parade