Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County a certain Heather Dubrow got a taste of her own medicine. No, I don't mean she was forced to wear Target clothing, I mean Tamra Barney shanked her with some petty, made up reasons to hate while at a party and Heather became the new Gretchen is the new Alexis. Stage an intervention to call someone fake, wind up in an intervention being told you're fake (and condescending!).
See, it's a dog eat dog world that Andy Cohen created and you have stab someone with storyline drama before they can stab you. Alas Heather considered Tamra her a 'real' friend. Boy was she wrong, because you can't teach an old dog new tricks. But at least Vicki Gunvalson behaved decently… for a change!
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Things begin with Tamra in the doctor's office begging him to make her look young. And this is the start of cat lady as we know it. Tamra confesses that Eddie wants her to layoff the botox, etc but if she does her face will fall apart. As opposed to what we're seeing now? Plastic witch mask with squinty whiteout eyes? Eddie is making a lot of sense this episode – more on that later.
Accompanying Tamra to the doctor is Ryan, who got some stuff tested after he confessed to illegally buying HGH to make his muscles get bigger (yet his brain got smaller and his hair line recede more). The doctor informs Ryan that as a result of his drug use he has cardiovascular issues and super high iron levels.
Tamra tries to squeeze tears out of the crafted-plastic slits she calls eyes, but they're pulled so tight her false eyelashes just tremble. Using a whisper-voice she croaks about how upset she is that Ryan is injecting stuff into his body so he can look better. Ahem… I think we call that irony. Cause you know, Botox meet HGH. Idiot meet dumbass.
Later Tamra tells Eddie that some of Ryan's health problems are just genetic, while the rest are the result of low self-esteem and wanting to look better without doing the work, hence the HGH. Basically, all things he inherited from his mother!
Shannon Beador is throwing a Christmas party with an unlimited budget to spend on Santas - and Lord knows free-range artisanal Santas cost a fortune! I mean, have you ever tracked down recycled polar bear fur to make a muff? I think not!
Despite telling us enthusiastically about her festive joy, Shannon snipes at David, complains about his mere existence, threatens to put coal in his stocking and then announces that she needs her $900 candles lit. Later David explains that happy couples make boy children, while unhappy ones make girl children. The Beadors have 3 girls. The proof is in the pudding pal!
Heather is still going on about being an ack-tress. She landed a guest spot on another sitcom I'm fairly certain no one watches, and she's also been guest co-hosting for Good Day LA. One of the regular hosts is going on maternity leave and they offer Heather a temporary job as co-host.
And off to the holiday party we all go! Shannon is doing cocktails outside and then dinner inside. There's peppermint cocktails. I want. Tamra arrives wearing what can only be described as a Halloween costume where the theme was aging Vegas showgirl. She added 80's hair. She really is desperate to prove she's not an old lady, isn't she? Sad.
Heather shows up and is surly that butlers wearing elf costumes didn't greet her at the door and she had to walk inside alone. Oh the horror! But the party is nice and everyone looked nice – even Vicki. Yes, I liked her dress. End times are upon us.
Then Shannon and Tamra scheme-up to cause some issues. Shannon tells Tamra about her meeting with Heather in which they decided if Shannon is ever annoyed with Heather for any reason she must bring it up immediately! No place is sacred. No event, no time, no reason. So be it!
Before dinner, in a completely contrived ball of BS nonsense that Bravo concocted, Heather pulls Tamra and Eddie aside with some exciting news: she landed the guest co-anchor job and is planning to feature CUT Fitness in one of her segments. I was all prepared for Tamra to gasp and announce that Good Day LA actually offered her that job and she has the emails to prove it, but instead she just stares ahead stone-faced (or maybe that was the Botox?) before announcing that her feelings are hurt because 5 months ago Heather did a co-hosting job there and that bitch allowed another gym to be part of the segment. Is Tamra capable of feeling hurt? I didn't know the devil had feelings…
Heather says that she told Tamra in advance another gym was being shown and she was sorry but didn't feel she should turn down the job at the expense of her own career. Heather assumed Tamra would be understanding, but instead she just held a grudge for half a year and decided to give Heather the bitch treatment for Christmas - all wrapped up in a cheap, tarty tinsel and bedexed with Wet-N-Wild liquid sheen white eyeliner.
Apparently Heather chose the competitor on purpose to try and sabotage Tamra's business. Heather assures Tamra she had no control as one-time guest host of the stories featured but Tamra keeps insisting it was intentional. Backing up Tamra's supposed claims is the fact that Terry texted Tamra to say he told Heather not to do the segment. Tamra took that to mean Terry told Heather not to take over Good Day LA, demand they feature a rival gym, then talk about how CUT is inferior because their juice machines leak and nobody wants to look like Tamra
and Ryan is buying HGH in the parking lot and tell all the executives they have absolutely NO say in the matter – oh and she's going to need Evian in glass bottles in her dressing room. And sugar-free pink M&Ms only.
Finally Eddie steps in to say Tamra is being ridiculous and he is thrilled that Heather wants to highlight CUT which will be a big boon to their business. And Tamra should be grateful. Instead, hoe, hoe, hoe – someone gets coal in her stocking. And there's no diamonds inside. You would think that would be the end of it, but nope!
While Heather is off talking Vicki down from the edge over Briana's move to Oklahoma (Vicki cries about losing her daughter as if she's moving to Africa and changing her name to Hakuna Matata), Tamra and Shannon complain to Lizzie Rovsek and Danielle Gregorio about how Heather intentionally tried to destroy Tamra's business and is a liar.
Apparently someone told Tamra that Heather was choosing the guests herself. She also had her stylist and her chef on. Oh – and that other gym that was featured? Heather works out there. Furthermore after Heather's hoedown when Heather discovered that Tamra and Shannon were hanging out, Heather demanded Tamra pick a side: either her or Shannon. Shannon is aghast that Heather would be so two-faced and duplicitous. Tamra suggests that maybe Shannon should make good on her promise and confront Heather about her annoyance before you know, it blows out of proportion.
Lizzie defends Heather because even IF Heather had another gym shown, now she's having CUT Fitness on, meaning Tamra should be grateful and let it go. Exactly. "Well my feelings are still hurt," Tamra sulks. See Tamra wanted to be featured FIRST. When Heather joins the conversation and an awkward silence befalls the room, Lizzie decides she'll just call Tamra and Shannon's bluff by announcing exactly what they were talking about! Well, well… that Lizzie is so not relying on her looks to get camera time and look at her whipping out the pageant girl tricks!
Heather is furious; she has always been a friend to Tamra, was a bridesmaid in her wedding, and would have absolutely nothing to gain by trying to piss Tamra off and she's never done anything shady to Tamra. "Until now," Tamra huffs. Heather and Tamra get into a snippy argument and then Shannon piles on to lecture Heather about being condescending. Can't Tamra just inhale some holiday spirit and remember that it's the thought that counts. I mean what exactly has she done for Heather, like ever? I mean I guess
Bravo she let Heather be part of her spinoff wedding.
Heather believes she got along fine with Shannon until Shannon started hanging out with Vicki and Tam. I have to say, I previously really liked Shannon, but I might agree with that statement. If Shannon and Heather just made peace the correct thing to do would be to stay out of Heather's issues with Tamra. And furthermore, Shannon is the hostess of this here zillion-dollar Christmas party and should have a little more class and decorum. I kept waiting for Money Can't Buy You Class to start playing.
Interestingly Vicki thinks Tamra should just focus on what a great opportunity Heather is offering. And you don't see Vicki getting her love tank panties in a bunch because Coto Insurance isn't making an appearance on Good Day LA!
Vicki goes to get Terry to save Heather from the werewolves in the form of Shannon and Tamra. But then Heather decides she's had enough and fakes a phone call from her son, who is calling to say he's sick. Heather and Terry make a big show about bustling out the door immediately to rescue their ailing son. It's 10:30 – way past Heather's bedtime! And she's had half a glass of sherry. Too wild for Fancy Pants! Vicki noticed Heather's cell phone screen never lit up when the supposed call came in, but you know – desperate times call for desperate measures and Heather is an actress by the way ('Agents – call me. Mother of sick child role – I'm perfect…').
As Vicki is leaving Tamra begs her to stay and then brings up the Heather nonsense again. Vicki tells Tamra she is on Heather's side of this argument – and that Tamra should just shut her Botox face and be grateful for this gift. You know, just because your friend owns a business, doesn't mean you must ONLY and tirelessly support their business. Sorry Tams. And this really is the lamest OC fight ever. Bring back Lauri Peterson!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DOES TAMRA HAVE A RIGHT TO BE MAD AT HEATHER?