Last night on Real Housewives of New York we celebrated the contrast between good and evil as if that isn’t the perpetual theme of these shows.
Carole Radziwill is turning 50 and wants to celebrate with an over-the-top party in the theme of Good vs. Evil,
or basically Ramona and Aviva vs. Carole. Carole enlists her bestie Heather Thomson to plan it but her list of demands is staggering. Things Carole wants for her birthday party: butterflies, chandeliers from her house hung up at the restaurant, headless mannequins, a snake charmer, shiny red apples, a psychic (are we sure she doesn’t mean a psychiatrist?), fire breathing dragons with angels on their wings, 30 dozen white rose petals, the 12 horsemen of the apocalypse, three french hens, and a partridge in a pear tree. Oh and 6 well behaved Housewives, but we all know that ain’t gonna happen!
Heather decides to just be in charge of the booze and hires a party planner stat.
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On the other side of delusional island, Sonja Morgan is adopting a dog with Harry to truly take their relationship from friends with benefits, to ‘Please Harry, pay for this dog for me because I want it but I no longer have that Morgan budget!’ Harry decides in order to be good dog parents they’ll need to take it out to restaurants, and on trips, and enroll it in etiquette classes and the right schools. Basically dog is doomed.
Kristen Taekman‘s husband Josh finally agreed to get counseling. Josh only wants to go so he can get confirmation that Kristen is a nagging shrew and he is justified in behaving like an arse. Kristen wears a ‘Love Me Tender’ shirt, while Josh wears the only thing in his wardrobe – an EBoost T-shirt. We get already Josh! Aaaahhh… the significance of these shirts in denoting the priorities of Kristen and Josh, basically love vs. money, or duh-duh-duuuuh: good vs. evil.
The counselor tells them to use “I Feel” statements and communicate without assigning blame or labels. Labels like EDouche? Josh repeats his mantra that Kristen doesn’t get what it’s like to run a very. important. business. and he needs to be locked to his phone because duh he’s. very. important. and. so. is. his. business.
Kristen wants Josh to communicate when he’s going to be late and needs to make a phone call. She feels like his family and wife are meaningless to him. Kristen says if Josh can’t communicate she at least deserves handbags out of the deal to carry around all her disappointments and sadness and couldvebeens had she run off with that Elvis impersonator in Vegas. And after ONE session they’re cured?
Aviva Drescher takes a break from behaving like a self-righteous lunatic to help a Boston Marathon bombing victim and amputee named Heather get fitted for a prosthesis. It’s refreshing to see Aviva acting like she has a heart instead of her usual Avicious routine – if we had only seen more of this Aviva and less of her shrieking insults and tongue kissing inhalers we might actually like her!
Ramona Singer‘s daughter Avery is fleeing the coop. She’s leaving home for college. However by the way Ramona was carrying on, crying and weeping in her widow’s weeds you might have thought Avery was going to University of The Moon to study the effects of psychosis in outer space. Is there a cure for Turtle Time?!
Ramona sniffles that she thinks Avery will be OK without her. I think Avery will be MORE than OK without Ramona – like I’m pretty sure she had Queen’s anthem “I Want To Break Free” playing on her iPod every single day of her adolescent life. Congrats Avery - it’s been awesome watching you grow up and even more awesome realizing you did not inherit any of your mother’s personality traits.
Sonja visits her mystic so he can read her tarot cards. Perhaps she should invest that money and time in a financial advisor instead? The mystic, a fey man who likely has earned his bread and butter claiming he can predict the future of wealthy dowagers and monied MILFS looking for an escape. After telling Sonja everything in her life will be great (her businesses will explode!), he makes the sign of the cross and flutters his hands near his flushed cheeks. “There’s a devil in disguise in your inner cricle,” he gasps. And the devil … is a brunette! Sonja confirms the devil’s name is not Carole, because really what kind of evil is named “Carole” – that’s the name of a 1950′s housewife or a jr. high biology teacher. No one diabolical is named “Carole” – no offense to any evil-wanting-to-do Caroles out there.
Sonja surmises that said devil must be LuAnn de Lesseps! However not a single blonde she knows is a natural blonde. Maybe if Sonja flings a glass of pinot at Ramona’s head she’ll discover that even Pinot has dark roots! Although Ramona isn’t exactly a devil in disguise…
At Carole’s party everyone is wearing either white or black. Carole, the birthday girl, wears bright red and looks fabulous. Unfortunately not everyone was feeling fabulous - LuAnn has the sniffles and the sads. She and Jacques brokeup, “We love each other, but not the relationship.” LuAnn is doesn’t gossip or place blame, but simply says she loves him but they went in different directions. Even Ramona was as sympathetic as Ramona is capable of being.
Harry, already a few pinots in, corners Sonja and tells her he wants a lifetime-ish of walks of shame from his place to hers, so he offers her a promise ring of sorts. ‘Tuesday nights are yours forever, baby,’ he slurs, ‘and I love ‘ya commando’. That ring was a gaudy thing that had to come from Claire’s Boutique or Ramona’s jewelry line. Sonja clutches it to her chest and smiles a girlish smile – does this mean she can stop hawking toaster ovens now?
LuAnn is emotional about Jacques, and apologizes for crying at Carole’s party. Have we ever seen Lu cry? The girls rally around her. Except Sonja. When she learns the news she’s furious … that she was the last to know! Sonja stomps over to LuAnn and yells at her for not being up front about all the problems with Jacques. There was Sonja going on and on about how LuAnn had the perfect life and it wasn’t even true – she was being jealous over nothing! Nice Sonja – way to make LuAnn’s breakup all about you. Ramona’s self-absorbed nature is definitely rubbing off!
Heather makes a hilarious toast to Carole. Afterwards she and LuAnn break into a song, that only needed a little autotune. Ramona doesn’t like the singing. Last week she was begging LuAnn to
embarrass herself sing – and this week Ramona doesn’t want to hear LuAnn sing? I can’t keep up!
Sonja gushes to Ramona that Harry like loves her, like he really, really loves her – and this ring Bravo paid him to give her is proof of that. And they got a dog, whom they named “Promises Fidelity Tremont-Morgan-Dubin”! It’s all coming true – Ramona’s eyes shine.
Now she won’t have to share Mario anymore.
But across the party, Harry of the Dubious Dubins, stumbles up to LuAnn to slur about how gorgeous she looks. LuAnn initially brushes him off and then… well I’m not sure what happened, but all the sudden LuAnn said, “I am single now. Let’s get out of here!” And they gone! It’s a good thing Sonja stashed that ring in her purse
(probably so she could pretend it got lost and hawk it).
I don’t know kids… this seems like tricky editing to me; like LuAnn wouldn’t be breaking up with Jacques in the afternoon and one-night-standing Commando-style with sleazy Harry in the evening. Although – they were in the garden of good and evil…
And the best part about this party there was NO Ramona Pinot being shoved down our throats and relentlessly advertised. Thank you Heather!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
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