Last night Hurricane Jim hit the shores of Florida (well Boca anyway) and he destroyed all Real Housewives Of New Jersey stars in his wake. Teresa Giudice must have had advance notice that dirty secrets were going to be strewn far and wide which is why she stayed home to color pitchurs, mispronounce her own last name, and respond to texes.
Things started out innocently enough. The Florida division of the RHONJ ladies went swampin’ in their most appropriate of appropriate boat shoes: high heels. Those twins – they sure know how to work a look. #sarcasm On the gator farm, Dina Manzo meets her future pet soulmate: a tailless baby alligator whom she smuggles into her purse and clutches for zen-renity (zen serenity) throughout the night’s escapades.
It is well known that Dina is psychic she feels something is about to rock this boat. And Dina has a little inkling its last name is “Marchese” and it has to do with this little secret she was tasked with guarding and protecting. As the group was about to find out, the gators were the least dangerous thing they were to encounter in Florida.
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The most dangerous was at home celebrating “Happy Hour” as they prepared to pack up all their nasty attitudes, and dirty rumors, and destructive information in a Faux-Vuitton suitcase. Amber Marchese spent a long time deciding between fitting the decimating secrets and the white eyeliner in her suitcase – luckily the secrets won out! As she fits them neatly in the corner next to her bikini, Jim warns her to keep her mouth shut and be the bigger person. Poor Jim should have taken his own advice. Alas, keeping your mouth shut is easier said than done like living within your means – another RHONJ problem!
When they “wemen” return from muddin’, or what they think is the only muddin’ they’ll do that day, Joe Gorga, and Bobby have arrived and they’re already hitting the booze. Bobby dry humps Nicole Napolitano and tosses her in the pool. Teresa Aprea is not impressed – she’s the classy twin.
In the leveraged to the ungodly hilt Giudice mansion, Teresa is communicating in her favorite medium: Crayola! She’s coloring with Audriana and the cameras while squealing over drawing a heart when Juicy comes in. Chris texted and Juicy wants to get together with the Lauritas. Teresa reveals that Jacqueline Laurita also sent her some tex-es. But Teresa explains after all the water under the bridge (re: the reunions) she can’t ever really trust Jacqueline again, but when someone tex-es Teresa she always tex-es back – even though she might not be able to read them! As evidenced by her stuttering attempt. I wonder if Teresa communicates only with picture texes?
Teresa and Joe go to dinner at his brother Pete’s – as in fraudulent license-felony Pete – where they discus the mystery of the Giudices only producing daughters – 10 girls, no boys. Actually 11, because Teresa hauls that Fabellini everywhere as if it’s her 5th kid. Hope she realizes she can’t bring it with her to prison! Over dinner Teresa mispronounces her own last name and Giudices seem so loving and close-knit. Joe’s father, Nono was there, and it was so sad seeing them all together knowing he has now passed. RIP and God Bless.
Also home in Jersey is Kathy Wakile, who is building her dream house with the help of Kevin Jonas. Rosie stops by to complain that she’ll never find love with the right woman. Then they all head over to Kathy’s for dinner, where they discuss how Rosie is loved and appreciated and important. The Wakiles trying to be the next Manzos – kids who never leave the house, thick as thieves, etc. Kathy is building a house big enough to accommodate them, their future spouses, her mama, and Richie’s mouth. Hey – she’s gotta stuff all those canoli somewhere!
Back in Florida, Amber arrives, or should I say: Jim arrives, and he brought Amber along with him. Amber makes Jim promise to be nice – and he starts out pleasantly enough. Dina shows Amber around and sits her down to discuss how the Victoria Gotti rumor is being handled. Amber reveals that she’s known the rumor for a month and it hasn’t been repeated yet, which is how she plans to keep it because she’s trying to move forward positively with the twins. Dina is feeling relieved. Meanwhile, inside, Hurricane Jim is brewing and mixing with alcohol.
Jim starts out by telling Nicole she’s a wonderful girl who deserves love and commitment. And by describing how when you meet the one you love, you know, which is why after 11 months Bobby should be ready to propose. Nicole, the twin wearing the Vegas showgirl costume, and Teressssa look pleasantly surprised. They like this Jim. This Jim is the calm before the storm.
Nicole, wearing her desperation on her bedazzled tube top, squeals at Bawby about getting married and having the wedding at Dunkin’ Donuts and how they can have an ice cawfee fountain spiked with Baileys. He responds by stomping out of the room, and locking himself in the bathroom, screaming that Nicole is “stupid.” Right. Nicole starts crying and Teresssssa chases after Bobby to pry him out of the bathroom.
Meanwhile, in the living room Jim approaches Category 4, or Threat Level Orange. Mysteriously he goes from Dr. Lovey-dovey to Mr. You Better Hyde. Dina, holding a box of desserts, is like ‘Ima just eat these pastries and find some zen.’ #NoDramaInTheCanoli.
I really don’t understand WTH happened here – sloppy editing – first Jim was all getting along and trying to be pleasant, and then boom! He and Bobby are fighting while the twins are yelling. Over what? I don’t get the timeline…
Whatever the case, Jim was about to kill two twins with one stone when he told a sniffling Nicole and shocked Teressssa that Bobby has told him a lot of things about their family. Oh yeah – Jim knows things
cause he works with the FEDS as a CIA agent. Amber starts screaming, crying, and begging Jim to stop because she wants all the “wemen” to rise up together! She storms out and is consoled by Dina, who decides that Amber is a sweet girl, but The Cancer she is truly battling is Jim. Amber then wails at Bobby, still in the bathroom, about how he has betrayed Jim. And hell hath no fury like a Jim scorned!
I feel like Bobby, Won’t You Please Come Out Of The Bathroom! should be the title of a children’s book about confronting your fears and listening to your mommy.
Jim informs Nicole that Bobby is a loser who will never commit because, lo and behold, he also has a lady on the side stashed in a condo. Oops! Nicole and Teressssa are reeling. Since Bobby refuses to stop pouting in the bathroom, Jim decides to make him man-up but Poison intervenes to simmer Jim down. When Poison is the voice of reason, you know all hell hath broken loose!
Finally someone pries Bobby out of the bathroom – was it Melissa Gorga? She knows about dealing with baby-men. Strangely Melissa was quite reasonable, reminding Bobby of the long friendship he has with Jim to put things behind them. She should know – see RHONJ S3 – 5, or Teresa Vs. Melissa: Reality TV’s Odyssey.
As Bobby and Jim prepare to face off, and Jim threatens that he knows something very, very detrimental to their family, the twins begin to panic. They totally, TOTALLY, know what the big rumor is about! Hurricane Jim certainly has an appetite for destruction! #NotTwinning
TELL US – WHO WAS THE BIGGER BABY: JIM OR BAWBY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]