Last night’s Secrets Revealed Part 2 was the final-final episode of a super lackluster season of Real Housewives Of New Jersey. And really, there wasn’t much to it!
Dina Manzo hires the Astro Twins (real names), who are Toni Collete look-a-likes, to read everyone’s astrology charts and tell their futures. They whip out an iPad and some of Gia’s 8th grade geometry homework and get to work!
I learned Teresa Giudice and I are both Gemini-risings. But other than both having brown hair and a couple kids, that’s where our similarities end. And don’t even ask how I know that I’m a Gemini-rising.
Amber Marchese is afraid to do the reading because she thinks astrology is against her religion, being that she’s a “devote” Catholic and all. Rosie Pierri tells Amber, her visible bra and giant cross necklace, that it’s fine – God won’t notice and neither will the Pope!
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Amber says she asked her priest, who told her astrology was bad, but then you know – peer pressure, OMIGAWD, peer pressure – so she gets read and is told she has trouble dealing with an Aries from her past. Camera pans to Melissa Gorga, aka the only Aries Amber knows!
Then Teresa gets futured, and I really applaud these Astros for knowing how to use Google, because they had her legal messes dialed. in. They told Teresa 2015 would be some serious changes, separation from the Juice, and downsizing (to a 8×8 cement cell) but she would get through it. Teresa is like uhhh… whaddyamean. I didn’t douse nutthin wrong. But then she starts tearing up and needs a drink. Fabellini – on the house!
Since Dina gave the Dumb 1 & Dumb 2 twins a glimpse of their future with astrology, they decided to repay her with a glimpse of her future by taking her to the porn shop to buy some lingerie for any future sex partners. Dina brought hand sanitizer, dish washing gloves, and grandma wrinkles shed skin to protect herself from touching any of the polyester red lace. Crotchless panties = friction. The twins, meanwhile, run around the store in various states of undress and then go around the store naming the dildos to various men of RHONJ. A pocket-peen gets labeled The Jim. Then they all pose for photos with a giant dildo, because who needs a man when you have plastic-fantastic right?! No.
Hopefully they didn’t try to take that thing to Florida with them – although it might have proven a good defense against gators (or Jim!) and it might have come in handy (see what I did there?! Gross!) when they spoofed Jim and Amber’s “Mortgage Now” commercial – which was slightly porny to begin with, replete with Amber husking at the camera over naughty teacher glasses that we should all get a mortgage today. Directed by Dina, Teressssa Aprea, Nicole, and Melissa do a killer knockoff about how Amber needs some new diamonds so buy a mortgage from daddy. There was rapping! Personally, I think it was only marginally worse than the original! *Hair Flip* Mortgage No!
People do weird things with their pets in Jersey. Weirder even than collecting hairless cats. Teresa, Teressssa, and Nicole Napolitano take their dawgs to get pedicures. Amid all the shrieking, squealing, and barking – none of which was coming from the dogs – I have no idea what happened, but it was something about cooking for your man being hot and spicy. All I know is if I ever declare bankruptcy I’m including dog pedicures in my necessary expenses list.
Amber and Jim will be pig-sitting his ex-wife’s pet pig. No, no – Jim isn’t the pig. It’s an actual pig, like oink-oink! Although I bet it has an IQ higher than 12! I guess the former Mrs. Marchese got used to living with pigs, given her marriage to Jim! Jim makes jokes about eating the pig until his daughter bursts into tears. Thank God he didn’t start making sausage jokes, however, because we had enough of those in porn store!
Nicole cooks dinner for Bawby and goes on and on and on and on about her fambly recipes and cooking with her grandma. “The most Italian thing about me is my cooking,” she tells us repeatedly amid squeals and cleavage. If we’re forced to suffer through another RHONJ Italian cookbook I’ll shove raw onions in my eye – while hanging out with Bawby. In the bathroom. While listening to a soundtrack of Amber, Teressa, and Nicole shrieking.
Dina and Lexi want to get mother/dawter nose jobs… lemme guess mother/dawter deviated septums!? They meet Kathy Wakile at her plastic surgeon’s office to get photos of their funky noses and zen-rationalize about how good self-esteem is totally related to the straightness of your nose. Good thing good self-esteem is not directly related to amount of white eyeliner, or Amber would be screwed!
Speaking of dawter issues, over at the Giudice’s mansion – which is collapsing in on itself with over-abundance of stolen marble – Milania is misbehaving! She raids Gia’s Caboodle and douses herself in bronzer. “You look orange!” Gia bellows – just like everyone else on RHONJ! While Gia and Milania wrestle, Teresa flips her hair over a frying pan of meatballs.
The Terrorizing Reign of Milania continues for the next 40 nights and 40 days; she won’t clean on Sunday, she insists the dog is escaping his cage and will eat the chickens, she pees her pants because she’s so distraught, she tries to run away, she tries to call CPS on herself citing that Gia forced her to wash her face after smearing foot lotion on it, she calls Teresa a “butthole” after escaping timeout in her bedroom by climbing out the window, and finally she tears off into the snowy wilderness on a four-wheeler – freedom at last! Her faux-fur coat whipping behind her in the wind, Milania knows the sweet sensation of escape! And escape she will – I hope she shows up on Andy Cohen‘s doorstep and demands he take her in. She can come to work with him everyday and be his bodyguard.
Man – I don’t care if she is sassy and naughty: Milania is my homegirl! Also, I nominate her to host all reunions from now until forever and then take over WWHL where she’ll build a pizza slingshot.
Teresa tells us no matter what, she hopes her dawters know how much she loves them. Look Tre – you’re not going away for life – it’s January-February-March (“Marta in Italian!”), April, May… alls the ways to like the next year. Let’s just hope Teresa can count to 15. And let’s just hope that when she returns Milania hasn’t made the house into a Hoarder haven for troll dolls while Juicy is chained in the basement making pizza out of chicken nuggets and gummy worms.
TELL US – SECRETS REVEALED: DID BRAVO LEAVE OUT THE GOOD STUFF? OR WAS THERE NO GOOD STUFF TO LEAVE OUT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]