Last night reinforced an important lesson on Celebrity Apprentice, if you’re classy – reality TV is no place for you. Just a reminder: this recap, of course, contains spoilers so don’t read if you’ve been avoiding the internet like the plague for the last 24-hours.
The women’s team contains: Brandi (reality mega-villain and best selling tweeter about what she does with her twatter), Kenya Moore (Former Miss WHO-S-A, who had a Scepter App hidden her purse so not to violate the anti-props contract stipulations), Leeza Gibbons (talk show host), failed reality star Kate Gosselin (minus her 8 and the tumorous bunion known as Jon), Jamie Anderson (a former Olympic snowboarder with a long history of legal imbroglios who has the same plastic surgeon as Brandi – face. does. not. move.), Vivica A. Fox (hoping to resurrect her acting career by playing evil), Shawn Johnson (a former Olympic gold medalist who thinks social media usage qualifies as a legitimate career. Was she on DWTS?), and Keisha Knight Pulliam (formerly Rudy of The Cosby Show). The women’s team is infinitely more diabolical and interesting than the men’s team, but I suppose they came out and tried to play, so we have to talk about them.
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The men’s team features Geraldo Rivera (who tells us approximately every 5 seconds he was a war correspondent 500 years, although I should note he has NEVER survived a Real Housewives reunion, and is about to enter a whole different war territory), Ian Ziering (Ivanka was a huge 90210 fan and gushes over him), Lorenzo Lamas (has cult following and is Shayne Lamas‘ dad), Kevin Jonas (the most annoying of the former Jonas Brothers – and the least hot. I want Nick), Johnny Damon (former MLB player), Sig Hansen (who is on the Deadliest Catch – which is also the title of the Lifetime Movie about Kenya
or could be an unfortunate repercussion from dating Brandi), Gilbert Gottfried (comedian who I do not have patience for and it’s only been 1 episode), and Terrell Owens (reality TV veteran, formerly friends with Ocho-cheato). The mens team seem gobsmacked and overwhelmed, which is how Geraldo seizes control. The ladies get right to fighting.
The first challenge will be to make and sell pies at Pie Face (All NYC locations now closed. Hmmm). There must be one savory and one sweet pie and whomever raises the most dough (pun intended!) wins. As an additional challenge Cake Boss star Buddy will give $20,000 to whichever team has the tastiest pies. The teams withdraw to their quarters to choose names.
Kenya rises to the challenge of villain immediately. Brandi argues for Team Gold because people on the team have won gold medals, Kenya suggests Team Infinity. Kenya’s suggestion wins. “I create hit catchphrases,” Kenya brags, as if being the mastermind behind drunkenly yelling Gone With The Wind Fabulous during a disconnect from sanity is something to be proud of. As if creating catchphrases qualifies you as a business expert. If that’s the case, that catchphrases mean you can and will dominate over war correspondents and Emmy winners on CA, then I oughtta be cast, because hello – who coined Krayonce? That would be myself. I create hit catchphrases – it’s what I do. Donald – call me!
Kenya will be annoying. As in all things.
Keisha becomes the Project Manager, because she’s bamboozled and patsied into it. Keisha is over-whelmed from the get-go with Kenya patronizing her, making pointed suggestions, huffing around, and giving her icy eyes. Brandi and Sean are given social media detail to get followers into the store tomorrow. Meanwhile Kate, who’s an expert in cooking for large quantities of people who cannot stand her, is relegated to kitchen duty. She’s annoyed at being treated like the help.
The ladies decide to do a blueberry/pear pie, then for the savory a enchilada pie. Kate insists that people won’t know what an enchilada is. Not everyone is dumb enough to marry Jon – don’t assume we all suffer from low IQ and cultural diaspora. Kate argues with Keisha that it should be called Taco-pie, other than muttering complaints under her breath that is her only contribution to the challenge.
Over in the men’s group, Geraldo espouses hot air because hearing himself talk drowns out the sound of Gilbert talking or Kevin whining. He anoints the team Team Vortex, a catchy phrase he himself came up with because he himself is quite witty.
Scrambling for the bitch crown like it’s the bride’s bouquet at a wedding, are Geraldo and Kevin. Oh these two – Geraldo’s ego is so inflated it could fill an entire parade float at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade – I cannot wait until Krayonce takes her rusty booty queen crown and attempts to pop it. It will be nasty – the ooze of decades of self-promoted hubris will flow free and flood the streets, overtaking such sweet innocents as Sean who is otherwise occupied with tweeting. Kevin will be running around scooping it up, slathering it all over his body. He only wishes to be as arrogant, pompous and self-important as Geraldo, who has survived Bora Bora (the resort destination?!), Somalia, and getting punched in the face during a talk show segment. Geraldo has also appeared on Baywatch – an honor not even bestowed upon heart-throb Lorenzo. I smell sabotage – which we’ll get to later – it does not smell like flakey, buttery crust.
Geraldo vs. Krayonce is the ultimate battle of evil vs. shevil. Which I’m sure we’ll get to later!
Geraldo immediately steps into the role of Project Manager, because he is a natural leader. Case in point: he was doing mustaches before they were hipster. He patented the mustache. All those hipsters with their instagrandeur followers, are following him. All Herald Geraldo Of The Mustache. How dare they not recognize his greatness, canonize as the patron saint of mustache beer glasses (filled to the brim with PBR), and erect a statue of him in Park Slope. Geraldo has no time for such petty contrivances as pointing out their lack of respect for his pioneer-ism in the field of mustache grooming because “When you’re a war correspondent, you go to sleep knowing there’s going to be a battle.” And that battle is to make sure Gilbert babysits the balloons, and that your photo is the largest on the promotional material advertising the Pie Face challenge. That battle is also Kevin.
Ugh – Kevin so whiny; buzzing around trying to intimidate Geraldo with his comments about twitter and his pointed suggestions that the ego of Geraldo doesn’t even have to bother ignoring, let alone defending. “Kevin,” snaps Geraldo, “what is it you do, again? Have you stabbed a Mexican drug cartel member with a pair of mustache scissors? Oh you haven’t – then you best get in the kitchen and make me some pies.” Kevin huffs off, dabbing his eyes with a hanky stolen from Geraldo’s attaché case and vows to get him. He will write a ballad about being dismissed by Geraldo – it will shape him as a man. Kevin will make the best damn ice box cake in all of NYC, until Sig – cave-dweller who has never seen an oven before, lumbering around with his He-Man hair and person – burns all the crusts. BURNT CRUSTS! Is there any justice in the world for Kevin?!
Kevin and Geraldo are my favorite things on earth. Geraldo was born for reality TV. Geraldo is the bitch queen, to unseat all bitch queens, and no one must cross him. Kevin complains that Geraldo isn’t managing the team because he’s on the phone calling potential donors. He complains that Geraldo isn’t utilizing him because he has 42 zillion twitter followers he could be inviting to this event, but meanwhile he is reduced to kitchen troll – and GERALDO never even came downstairs to make sure Lorenzo added the salt to the low-fat chicken potpie!
Kevin announces that, as a highly trained by Disney social media expert, he will be bringing the numbers out in droves for a Jonas-touched pie. Kevin is very optimistic that his 14-year-old fans can hop in the car, drive to NYC, with their mommy’s credit card in tow to support him on CA. Gilbert is arranging for entertainment – including a Howard Stern impersonator. Geraldo is busy on the phone telling rambling soliloquy about his days lost in the Brazilian jungle with only a panther to guide him, a panther Geraldo was able to subdue with the threat of his mustache and the taste of his pies.
In the midst of pie making, Lorenzo did not secure any donors. Intentional? Geraldo forgot to micromanage the team to make sure they too were working the phones like a PBS pledge drive, promising a free gift in the form of burnt Jonas-touched pie in exchange for donation. Instead Geraldo made sure to approve the promotional flyer featuring a large photo of his own face, mustache gleaming and groomed to perfection. Look into my eyes, fall down the vortex of my amazingness, and most did. But not Kevin – he wore the special invisible glasses he got from Disney that prevented him from being seduced by any forces of evil.
Over on the women’s team, nothing much was happening. Four gals clicking away on their computers and phones, talking hashtags, while Kate muttered about the pies needing more cheesy filling. Just like at home. She did manage to steal away to call one donor, one donor who could bring big money, but he never arrived in time, prompting Kate to burst into tears. Where is Bodyguard Steve with the $10,000 check he promised – Kate needs comforting!
Kenya has been watching from the sidelines, watching as Keisha never once attempted to exploit her Cosby connections. In the van on the day of the challenge, she calls Keisha out for not asking Bill Cosby for a donation. Which knowing what we now know, made the exchange even ickier than the taco-chilada-cheesey-pie. The ladies realize they don’t have many big donations – and most of them don’t get big donors to come through in time. It’s mass disorganization, a lot of confusion, and the scene seemed mediocre.
Vivica gets annoyed that Keisha chooses to also work the registers to secure donations. Meanwhile Kenya has donated Claudia Jordan to the cause, and her contribution will be throwing a pie in Kenya’s face! Psych – because Kenya actually manages to wallop Brandi in the face instead. That’s about the only fun thing that happened on the women’s team. On the men’s team there is a line out the door, women came for days to see Johnny – not Kevin! The shame! – Gilbert brought entertainment, pies were sold, Geraldo stood in the center directing traffic like a commander of the troop, and announcing donation amounts. Kevin found this annoying – no one was paying attention to him in all the fuss! Geraldo was in his perfect element.
Buddy came through to test pies and denounced Lorenzo’s fare as salt-less (doesn’t Buddy know salt makes you retain water?! Lorenzo does!), and complains that the sweet option has a burned crust. Kevin sulks in the corner. Lorenzo suddenly realizes he never called any donors. Oops.
On the women’s team Buddy said the savory option was confusing with too many flavors, while the sweet one was really good.
In the boardroom, Kenya, Shawn, and Kate are salivating to throw Keisha under the bus. On the men’s team Kevin tries to railroad Geraldo into tripping up and admitting he barely led the team. Geraldo only notices Kevin because the buzzing in his ear reminded him of the mosquito attack he once faced on the battlefields of Beirut, and also that he needs to find his clippers to trim his ‘stache.
It turns out Lorenzo brought in only a measly $100, with Terrell only attracting a few hundred as well. Kevin complained that Geraldo didn’t know the exact figures, and this was proof-positive of his incompetence. Donald, Ivanka and Piers Morgan gasped audibly. Geraldo wonders who Donald is, exactly, turning towards Ian before realizing that can’t be right because he heard Donald was in his mid-70s and the man behind him looks a permanent 45, even in his Peach Pit days.
Regardless of Geraldo’s oversights and that Buddy found their pies the most inedible, they still managed to bring in twice as much as the women’s team. Which Sean expected, given that Kevin’s social media following is so great. Kevin blushes with pride. The only pie Buddy liked was Jamie’s blueberry-pear – that seems to override the fact that she didn’t bring in any donations to the team.
The ladies are trapped in the boardroom with Keisha being forced to defend her every move – particularly against Kenya who rails on her for not calling Cosby as a potential donor. Keisha explains that she hasn’t spoken to the man in years and didn’t feel right hitting him up for money. Everyone is disgusted by her ethics and derides her for letting the team down. Why wouldn’t Rudy be riding on coattails of her Cosby Show fame decades after, like Kenya continues to cling to that Miss WHO-S-A title?! Watching from the lobby, Geraldo comments “Imagine being married to Kenya – you’d be sleeping with your eyes open.” He was a war correspondent – he knows things about that; A flashback to his days in Mao Du Jong as a guest of the dark empress momentarily unsettles him. Good thing she liked a man with a mustache!
Vivica cries because Keisha was an amazing PM: she led them through the rubble, saved them, carried Kate on her back up the mountain, and the loss was not her fault! Vivica is apparently using CA to help her acting career – reality TV does not give out Academy Awards!
Brandi says Kate was useless – no money, she was lazy, plus Buddy hated her pie. Everyone disagrees with Brandi. Keisha decides to bring Kate and Jamie to the boardroom since they didn’t contribute financially. Ivanka, Donald, and Piers complain that although it was a fundraising challenge, Keisha brought the two people to the boardroom who contributed the most by baking the pies.
Kate pontificates in a whiny, condescending voice about how she tried sooooo hard for her team, she gave everything, and it is not fair – and on and on, pleading her case like her life would be spared by Donald. Given how desperate she is to be on reality TV, that’s pretty true that her life will be over when she’s fired, but I wanted reach through the TV and rip her Kim Zolciak wig off regardless. Kate + Hate reigns on!
In the end Keisha was fired. It was a shame, but she’s too nice and normal for this show. Keisha still feels she did a good job and it was just unfortunate that the did not raise enough money.
Celebrity Apprentice airs again tonight at 8/9c. And will move to its Monday nights permanently from now on.
TELL US – WAS KEISHA THE RIGHT PERSON TO FIRE? SO FAR, WHO IS THE BITCHIEST AND MOST ANNOYING?
[Photo Credits: NBC]