Everyone has returned safely and soundly from Jamaica. Well, safely if you don’t count gushing emotional wounds! But, at the very least, everyone is trying to move on from the traumatic trip by focusing on the positives in their lives. For Kim Fields that means doing what she does best: Keeping it professional.
After being re-inspired (HA!) by directing Cynthia Bailey‘s ‘mercial, Kim has a Skype meeting with Art, her longtime agent, to discuss the future of her directorial career. Art wants examples of Kim’s recent projects to use as a reel for other clients – including a new TV show. Please Lord do not tell me Kim is considering the CB Eyewear ‘mercial a legit indicator of her abilities!?
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Speaking of, Art cautiously asks Kim if she’s working on Kenya Moore‘s
failed sitcom Life Twirls On. Kim explains that she cannot work with someone who’s as insanely disrespectful as Kenya, so life will be twirling on without Kim’s involvement! Art, relieved, is like, “Oh good, ’cause Nabisco might wanna hire you!”
Cynthia Bailey Eyewear – providing the shade one face at at time!
Kandi Burruss is seven weeks away from her due date and visits Dr. Jackie for an ultrasound. Surprisingly Todd and Mama Joyce accompany her, and no, Dr. Jackie did not have to call security after their fighting caused the ultrasound machine to short-circuit and explode. Instead, Mama Joyce teased Todd about being short but seemed genuinely overjoyed by his presence. Uh… this is the woman who threw shoes in a bridal salon and tried to sabotage the wedding! Maybe Mama Joyce got a lobotomy while we were in Jamaica? Or maybe
Todd someone has been tucking some Wellbutrin into her fried chicken?
All’s well with baby Tucker, and with Big Mama K … until Dr. Jackie mentions that it’s still safe for Kandi and Todd to have sex and names all the acceptable third trimester positions. Mama Joyce grimaces while Todd dissolves into a puddle of big-headed embarrassment. Dr. Jackie then makes Todd feel worse when she asks him what “Push Present” he’s giving Kandi. Todd didn’t even know this was a thing! Dr. Jackie explains the standard is diamonds. Big ones. “Ones we can take from the bank to the pawn shop,” agrees an exuberant Mama Joyce, who also seems to be hinting that she should be getting a Pushed-The-Push Present. This family dynamic is getting all too We Need Dr. Phil for my taste!
Speaking of, Moore Manor is making progress-ish. There are walls. And hmmmm… places where electrical outlets may go. And bathrooms! And there is Matt, who is designing fire places and his own parking space – even if Kenya isn’t sure about how serious their relationship is. For once Kenya is taking things slow, yet Matt is
trying to jump start his 15 minutes of fame with a Bravolationship ready to move in! Remember when Kenya practically proposed to Walter with a fishing pole? Good times!
Aunt Lori stops by Moore Manor for a tour, aka to meet Matt. She’s surprised by how involved he’s been in developing the house, but also that Kenya hasn’t fired him for failing to meet her ridiculously high expectations, like gimme your sperm now or I’ll roofie you and siphon some out, or scarring him off with her krazy ass twirling on the edge of sanity. So far Krayonce has been able to keep things in the sane-lane, or Matt is overlooking it.
While Matt “checks out the garage” Kenya confesses to Aunt Lori that she’s not sure if Matt is the one, especially given his age and his meager career as a personal trainer, but he makes her feel valued and special. Aunt Lori encourages her to keep an open mind … if only she can figure out how to open the front door of Moore Manor first!
On one hand Kenya seems pretty happy with Matt. On the other hand she does claim to be an actress. I’m still conflicted about whether or not I feel this is Kenya twirling for a Bravo wedding spinoff (or at least a big ol’ Bravo wedding storyline next season to keep her on the show), and Matt is along for the ride, or they’re serious, but moving ‘fast’ in order to appease the Gods of Reality TV. Something seems up!
Later Matt takes Kenya on a date to THE MELTING POT (bwhahhaha!) where Kenya confesses to getting hormones and starting the process to harvest her eggs – after all, she’s no spring chicken! Over make-your-own Ahi Tuna, she straight up asks Matt when he’s ready for kids because she only has a year or two and the clock has practically run out of tick-tocks. Surprisingly Matt is not fending himself off with a fondue skewer, or desperately defending his own Mini Matt with a water glass, he’s embracing the, errrr, challenge of Kenya’s station in life.
Cynthia Bailey Eyewear – opening my eyes to suspicious behavior, one handsome face at a time!
Porsha Williams is launching Naked Lingerie. Instead of hiring Kim to direct a commercial, she’s doing a photo shoot, which includes Cynthia as one of the models.
Since this is Porsha, she really has no business strategy about her ideal consumer, what the lingerie is supposed to represent, and the body type the line will fit. Porsha’s heavily pregnant sister Lauren brings the Naked samples, then they conference call Porsha’s business manager, who asks very relevant questions about the future of the line. Porsha explains, “Nothing is set in see-ment.” I kept hearing her say “semen,” which kind of made sense, since it was lingerie, but seemed like a really gross direction.
Finally the business manager was like, “Do you mean, ‘Nothing is set in stone?'” Porsha and Lauren both yelled “YES!” like this was the great epiphany of their lives – a greater epiphany than Porsha [someday] realizing you don’t have to show all your bits and should leave some things to the imagination, like your dogs pooping all over your house, or being so desperate for a boyfriend you throw him a BabyMan shower three weeks into dating.
Lauren is on maternity leave by the time the photo shoot takes place, which means Porsha is forced to, like, run her own business, starting with the photo shoot. Which is like super hard given that nothing is set in “semen” – except the fantasies Naked Lingerie will hopefully generate that is!
Porsha spends so much time prancing around admiring herself in the mirror they start losing light for the photos, screwing up Cynthia’s prospective shot. Porsha admits it’s weird that a few months ago Cynthia was kicking her in the parts Naked barely covers, but today Cynthia is barely covered in Naked while modeling it!
Later Cynthia visits Kim’s office to preview the ‘mercial. It’s completely edited, except for the voice-over. Initially Cynthia wants Kim to provide the voice over, but then decides she wants a sexier sounding voice. While the editor is down in the sound room, Cynthia asks if Kim has recovered from being Krayonce’d and how Chris reacted to Kenya’s gay rumors. According to Kim, she and Chris laughed them off, but Kim has no plans to be friends with Kenya!
Then Cynthia mentions that she thinks she spies Kenya paddle-boating along the horizon in the ‘mercial…
Cynthia Bailey Eyewear – helping you see the bigger picture, one face at a time.
Finally, Phaedra visits Kandi to catch up. Their relationship has been up and down, but both believe they’ll weather Hurricane Apollo (or is it Todd?) and remain friends. Phaedra brings Kandi nipple butter, because she is not kidding when she said it’s a nursing necessity. Plus, it’s a better gift than Kegel balls or RiDICKulous!
Things are a bit strained, but Phaedra and Kandi quickly start dishing about the trip to Jamaica, especially NeNe Leakes‘ surprise appearance and Cynthia’s super awkward insistence that she and Kenya aren’t BFF. Kandi is shocked and weirded out by all of it.
Phaedra does not tell Kandi about her planned visit to Apollo because she’s tired of people in her business! “These women are more up in my business than my gynecologist is in my vagina!” Phaedra quips. Adding, “Unless you have a hand in raising these kids, I don’t give a rat’s patootie what you think of what I’m doing with my kids.”
Later Phaedra’s divorce attorney comes over, bringing Phaedra a menorah, to prep her for visiting Fort Dix. Apollo has moved to the cushiest of federal prisons, so Phaedra has decided to visit – after a year. Coincidentally this visit comes right on the heels of Phaedra filing for divorce and needing Apollo to sign the papers without contest…
Pastor Regina Belle accompanies Phaedra and the boys to Philadelphia, an hour outside of Fort Dix. Phaedra doesn’t tell Ayden and Dylan they’re here to see Apollo because she doesn’t want to upset them, if, for whatever reason, the visit doesn’t happen. Phaedra’s mother counsels her to be prepared for the aftermath and also asks her how she’s going to handle all the specifics. Phaedra, for once, has no answers and actually seems legitimately unsettled by the whole thing.
I really do not think this was an appropriate thing for Bravo to film – just my opinion. I know RHOA is supposed to represent ‘real life’ but because the children were involved, it was a little… “off” for me. Also, is Bravo becoming the Prison Spouse Channel now?
Phaedra, dressed in a fur cape(!), because everybody knows you should look like the undertaker of riches when you walk through the metal gates of federal penitentiary.
Cynthia Bailey Eyewear – helping you see the outside in, one face at a time!
In the car to Fort Dix Phaedra is anxious and the tension is palpable. Bravo cameras can’t go inside the prison, so the car, with Pastor Belle, waits outside. Two and a half hours later Phaedra and the boys return. Phaedra is unsettled, but thankfully the boys seem unfazed. Ayden was most unsettled because Apollo now has a Mohawk.
Apparently the visit was awkward and the boys were restless. Phaedra seemed upset that the boys had to endure the situation. Given how stressful and overwhelming the trip was, Phaedra isn’t sure when she’ll return, because she’s over the drama with Apollo.
Speaking in Mom-Code, which means saying a lot in shorthand words parents think kids can’t decipher – Phaedra informs her mom that Apollo has not changed at all. He also warned her he wouldn’t sign the divorce papers. Phaedra is frustrated because she has future plans – including remarrying … some day. “I’m ready to move on with my life,” she says simply. True love does not wait for the prison gates to re-open!
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[Photo Credit: Bravo]