Luann and Bethenny

Last night’s Real Housewives Of New York left me feeling like Dorinda Medley! I watch this show! It’s supposed to be fun! None of you can “betave!” (And yes – I was swinging a vodka bottle as I ranted at the TV – ironically the TV, which can’t hear me, provided the same non-reaction as the Housewives who were physically standing right in front of Dorinda!)

Also, I’m just gonna say it – I’m tired of Bethenny Frankel. This is not HER show. That spinoff was CANCELLED. Time for Bethenny to recognize where she stands; maybe Bravo gives her special snowflake treatment, but she’s rolling in the same muck as all the other harridans she pretends to be above, and her despot tyrannical behavior is just annoying.

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Bethenny clearly attended the Lisa Rinna school of ‘owning it’ where the first Rule of Owning It is to pretend that your behavior was moored in some sort of greater life lesson to be internalized at a later date. And the second Rule of Owning It is to pontificate incessantly about how your rudeness or insults were done for the greater good of humanity, and therefore it’s acceptable. The third Rule of Owning It is to seek validation and acceptance for your behavior from your friends, whilst you wallow in self-pity over being the brave warrior who threw themselves on the stiletto heel and it had to be done. It’s a hard life for a televised martyr of her own mind’s making. So that’s what happened last night during Dorinda’s Nightmare On Christmas Tree Shop slaughter party. 

Jules

Of course in the midst of the middle-aged tantrums, Jules Wainstein was having a for-real crisis – her father was in the hospital, very ill, and about to undergo surgery. Why she was there is a mystery? Why she didn’t start stomping her feet all Housewifey and demand people pay attention to her before locking herself in a wallpapered closet to sob hysterically, is even more mysterious. Instead Jules, perfectionist and people- pleaser that she is, rallied, and even managed to bring board games for everyone to enjoy. Enjoy – ha! As if these biatches could enjoy anything! Jules – go home. You ain’t enjoying nothin’! Including, probably, Dorinda’s lasagna. 

This weekend began on the fray, with Ramona Singer miffed that Luann de Lesseps schtupped her formal fling (and didn’t tell her), and everyone on edge over Sonja Morgan‘s antics. So the atmosphere is a lot like whatever is coming out of Ramona’s dog’s butt. 

As soon as Bethenny arrives, any degree of pleasantry has gone asunder. Coco’s diarrhea is spreading and started coming out of Bethenny’s mouth.  Her target is Luann, ex-Countess, reformed hypocrite, former covert slut now brazenly embracing her liberally dating Samantha Jones. Luann is also possessor of the original Countess Coiffe. Luann will not stop mentioning that Bethenny stole her hair, knowing that it rankles Bethenny, so she just drops the little comments everywhere like Coco’s dropping dingleberries. Eventually even Ramona is even forced to admit it’s true that Bethenny’s hair looks like Luann’s. 

So things are off-kilter, and then walks Bethenny swinging the negative energy in her Skinnygirl tote bag. 

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Bethenny loves to shriek about the zero f–ks she gives, but she oughta Urban Dictionary that expression, because she’s misinterpreting it. When you are literally throwing a hysterical tantrum every 15 minutes you give ALL the f–ks.  And then you ate all of Jules and Carole Radziwill‘s f–ks too – which explains why they both slinking around basically invisible. If Bethenny truly gave no f–ks, she wouldn’t be foaming pinot grigio on Dorinda’s carpet because Luann snarked at her over hair, or Skinnygirl stuff which Bethenny knows is not true. So why so defensive? (Don’t worry Bethenny will have 52,000 excuses!).

Bethenny wouldn’t be skulking around the house looking for a fight, then barging into the kitchen to confront Luann AGAIN as if Luann doesn’t have a right to VENT her frustrations – something Bethenny was just doing upstairs – that her so-called friend (acquaintance? co-worker) calling her a slutty whore and “plastic f–k doll.” Bethenny rationalizes her own behaviors to death, but the only thing she gives no f–ks about is relationships to others. Yes, Bethenny had some good points that Luann is a hypocrite who doesn’t bother to ‘get it’ – and she totally did owe Ramona a phone call over Tom, no bones about that! 

Personally I LOVED how Luann mimicked Bethenny right to her face, drolly mocked her for screaming and raging, and then reminded Bethenny that since they aren’t friends – as Bethenny is so eager to point out – what exactly does Bethenny know about Luann’s life? So Bethenny’s arguments- based upon the words of Ramona and Sonja  two women Bethenny regularly calls stupid liars, are laughable. This was good work from the countess – steady and unflappable in the face of Bethany’s insults. Maybe Luann doesn’t feel defensive over who she is? 

Maybe the issue is that Bethenny has become a parody of herself, and basically a smarter version of Brandi Glanville – more caustic, slightly less unhinged with more social couth, and obviously MUCH more professionally successful. Yet Bethenny is that same unhappy, wounded, projecting woman who hides behind her “truth cannons” – like if I blow them up before they see me, I win by default! Bethenny loves to brag about the command she has over eviscerating people, smirking that “it won’t be pretty” when people try to come for her, but it’s a defense mechanism and a hollow boast. I think we all see Bethenny, but would prefer to look out the window at Dorinda’s gorgeous view than see her slut-shaming, threatening physical assault, lying, flinging spittle, and needing a rabies shot. Sit down, shut up, and do what Dorinda’s housekeeper suggested when she handed you that Easy Now tea. Too bad there’s no tea for SHUT THE F–K UP. 

Sonja

Meanwhile Sonja, erstwhile uninvited for being the elf who won’t stay off Bethenny’s shelf, is back in Manhattan getting Electroshock therapy on her crotch and having more fun. At least Sonja’s vag is all fresh and new as a daisy, whereas Luann’s is being dragged through Bethenny’s tunnel of self-loathing at the speed of 65MPH. 

Yes, Luann was stupid and dumb to even bring up the Skinnygirl. We all know Luann isn’t trying to take credit for Bethenny’s business, but Bethenny is so defensive.  She threatens to grab Luann by the neck and drag her out back (to rip off the hair Bethenny claims Luann SWF’d from her. UHHH), and then get all riled up on RAMONA’s behalf that Luann is dating Tom. Ramona says she and Tom went on 6 dates, Luann claims she had no idea, but then admits she did know Tom dated Ramona – she thought it was one date. Still, Girl Code – call your girl! 

According to lore – BETHENNY’S friend (Bethenny has those?) was in a bar and overheard Luann telling Tom that she was next in line after Ramona or something to that effect, and this helps form the basis of Bethenny’s assault that Luann is a phony hypocritical whorebag slut whose Lady Lu has a sign that reads “Open For Business – Come One, Come All”. Bethenny is even afraid to tell Luann who she’s dating because Luann will rush right over there and steal him. Therefore Bethenny’s vagina needs to enter the witness protection program – or is that Bethenny’s man? Which must explain why he’s invisible, right?! 

Bethenny must be sampling a lot of Tipsy Girl and the delusion is infused in the bubbles, because she keeps whining that Luann won’t let her speak or get a word din edgewise. Oh girl… all you do is speak and speak and speak and speak – LOUDLY. ALL THE TIME. 

As Bethenny is storming out, over her hopefully trademarked and patented countess haired shoulder, Luann snaps that she should have stayed in the city with Sonja who is “more decent and humble and lovely” than Bethenny will ever be. This provokes a whole new eruption of Bethenny’s wrath because apparently Luann is now to blame for Sonja’s drinking and dating dilemmas. “I’m sick of the way that you live,” seethes Bethenny. Luann, and the rest of us, surely wonder why Bethenny CARES how Luann lives? 

Then Carole arrives, and assumed the male voice she heard was John, not “LuMANN” – oh how clever. (sarcasm). I love how Bethenny and Carole insist they’re so supportive of women, yet they are the fist ones to slut-shame, appearance-shame, and any other kinds of shaming available. Someone get these two in Women’s Studies 101 at NYU! Good lord Taylor Swift is more pro-women than these two! Kim Kardashian‘s sex tape is more feminist than Carole and Bethenny’s abounding delusion. But it is ‘OK ’cause Luann called Carole a pedophile – supposedly – during Kristen’s Denim and Diamond’s party last season, and has only apologized like 3 or 4 times. Never sincerely. 

Carole scurries around complaining to Dorinda that she didn’t know Luann was coming – LIE – because she wouldn’t have come. And Carole blames LUANN for screaming at everyone and making everyone uncomfortable. Dorinda blankly asks Carole if she wants to stay in a hotel. 

Luann

After Bethenny screams that Luann f–ks married men, and 25-year-olds she steals from her friends, and Luann smirks that Bethenny should watch that face – yes, that face – the GUARANTEED TO BE SINGLE FOR LIFE face, Bethenny storms out (again) so Luann whines to Jules. Who is trying to call her AILING FATHER. Luann is all ‘But… But… she called me a slut! I can’t stay here! Oh your dad is sick – whatevs –  Bethenny called me a WHORE!’ Yeah, Luann – you’re not self-obsessed as Bethenny oh-so hypocritically mentioned. Dorinda claims she didn’t hear the argument, which must mean Dorinda needs a hearing check, right?! 

Ramona and Luann

Now listen I thought Luann not only held her own but really handed it to Bethenny by illustrating how unhinged Bethenny was, but then Luann proceeded to wander around the house awkwardly poking her head into rooms where the women were clustered like a dog waiting to be invited onto the bed. And clearly no one wanted her there. Finally Ramona resorted to joining Lu in the kitchen to let her decompress. Luann is pissed that she traveled all the way to the Berkshires believing it was Dorinda’s birthday, and she doesn’t understand why there’s a birthday cake made by Dorinda’s very-own mother when it’s not in fact Dorinda’s birthday. 

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At that moment the other women wander downstairs when Dorinda over-hears Luann talking about the cake she blows-up about how Luann is talking about her mother, and none of these women are appreciative of Dorinda’s efforts. Which was true. “I cooked! I decorated! I invited you all here! And if you can’t betave you can all just GO HOME!” rails Dorinda, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Ramona and Carole swoop in to try and comfort her but Luann keeps sidling up reminding Dorinda that Bethenny called her a slut – TIME AND PLACE CLASS WITH THE COUNTESS – TIME AND PLACE!  – until Ramona tells Luann to knock it off and stop. 

Dorinda melts down

Jules wonders if anyone wants to open presents or play a game. Not having a nanny is really bringing out Jules’ inner helicopter mommy! 

After her explosion Bethenny can’t get comfortable. Bethenny is more unsettled that Luann is acting like nothing happened. She claims she feels bad (she doesn’t) and that she actually likes Luann, but she had been bottling up all these thoughts and had to get them out,  but being the bearer of bad news doesn’t make Bethenny happy (it does). Instead of  Ramona telling Bethenny to have a Xanax and CALLLM DOWN!, she offers herbal tea. Which is just so not the Ramona I know and love. A Ramona without her Sonja is the truth hypocrite. The women are torn between wanting to comfort Bethenny, their coven leader, and feeling obligated to comfort Luann. Except Carole – she has other agendas, continuing to complain that Luann called her a pedophile and even worse that Luann had the audacity to invite her to her holiday party, without so much as an apology. 

And then everyone decides they need a nap. 

Ramona

For all the years of ‘therapy’ Bethenny has slavishly whored out on TV, she’s shown almost zero emotional growth – despite living through friendships failing, business mega-success and accompanying wealth, her father’s death, marriage, baby, divorce, custody battle, and professional flops, she’s right back where she started on RHONY, but emotionally it’s as if she never left. That’s what disappoints me. Even Ramona has learned some subtle degree of emotional intelligence. Like when she convinces Luann to apologize in an attempt to salvage the weekend.

Even though Ramona thinks these apologies will be sufficient (because this is Ramona we’re talking about!), and they’re so not, because they never will be (because it’s Luann, and we’re dealing with Bethenny and Carole here), Ramona recognized that as a friend to Luann, she should encourage her to be the bigger person and at least try. “You’re the countess,” Ramona purred, stroking Luann’s ego. Ramona was really proud that she taught Luann the ways of the Pinot Pology and is shocked that it doesn’t work. 

Dorinda Luann

Carole and Jules hide in Dorinda’s wallpapered coat closet (the sign of real wealth! haha), trying to eavesdrop because Carole is desperate to catch Luann talking shit about her behind-her-back. Which didn’t happen. Bethenny and Carole are summarily disgusted by Luann’s insincere apologies, because she doesn’t get it. I kinda think Luann does get it, with perennially akimbo flippancy (and matching hair flip): she wants to have fun, she doesn’t really care that much about these women, and she doesn’t subscribe to their opinions about her, so she’s only trying to make it right for the good of the group and her job. Although Luann is clearly upset about being targeted and excluded, and worried about becoming the “New Sonja so she has to grovel a bit. 

While Bethenny is upstairs getting more ego-stroking and telling Jules and Carole that she’s allergic to fish – especially lady fish – Luann is in the kitchen expressing her frustrations that Bethenny seems to be on a vendetta to target others. Of course Bethenny barges into the kitchen and immediately starts with Luann again. 

rhony-bethenny

Oh Bethenny, give it a rest! If I were Dorinda I would have taken my cake and run to a hotel – ALONE. 

TELL US – WHO WAS DORINDA’S WORST BEHAVED GUEST? IS RAMONA BEING A GOOD FRIEND TO LUANN OR UP TO NO GOOD? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

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